The biopsy was unpleasant...though not completely miserable. They were able to numb up most of my chest..just between the ribs was a problem. I think the anticipation and stress was just overwhelming too...I cried during the last half of it..not because it was so awful...but because I just felt so awful.

The next afternoon, we saw the oncologist who had a tentative diagnosis of Large, Bulky B-Cell Lymphoma (mediastinal). Later mayo followed up with 'highly aggressive' and a bunch of other things that I don't understand.

I'm trying very hard not to google this or read too much...every time I do, I feel depressed.

I had to go in for a bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday (I think it was wednesday...actually, the days have all just blurred together). I was terrified...absolutely terrified. I took 2 percocets before I went and the doc used a massive dose of lidocaine...honestly...I felt almost nothing at all during the procedure. I was so relieved by the time it was nearly over that we were laughing and joking around. I practically lept from the bed I was so joyful when it was over. By the time I got home though, I was throwing up from the percocet.

Still, I hope to never go through it again..the anticipation is a killer. The bone marrow was clear.

Right now this has been given a Stage 1 diagnosis.
It is very large though and as a result I will need 6 cycles of CHOP-Rituxan followed by radiation.

In the meantime, the docs have met with perinatoligists from Mayo...the baby will probably do ok. The big concern is placental viability and fetal growth...so I'll be having weekly ultrasounds and be seeing my ob every 2 weeks.

I started taking prednisone on Thursday, but I feel no improvement (instant gratification gal that I am). I can't climb stairs, carry around my 2 year old, or bend over to pick something up without becoming short of breath or having difficulty catching my breath. It is terrifying...It is horrible to know that there is something there growing that I can't just remove or have removed. Sometimes I start to feel panicked and claustraphobic...like I need to run away from myself....

I can't sleep well at night because I'm afraid of something awful happening....I have to sleep sitting up on a pile of pillows because otherwise I just can't catch my breath...and it seems to have worsened this week. I don't know if it's because I've been diagnosed and I'm super-aware or if I'm really experiencing this.

I was supposed to being the rest of the chemo regimen on Monday, but that's been changed to Tuesday...and I just feel like I can't wait. I so desperately want to feel better...I so desperately want to be rid of this awful thing.

My husband goes from being hopeful (the doc told him I had an excellent chance of cure) to being devastated when he gets online and reads all kinds of articles etc. Tonight he came home from work depressed and sat alone in his office....and it made me feel more depressed.

I think the prednisone is making me feel depressed too. Only 2 days and I'm all puffy and I've gained 2 pounds...I'm taking 100mg a day, so that's a lot I guess.

I just feel exhausted and instead of feeling this joy over Christmas I feel....deflated.

None of my friends really call me anymore to just 'shoot the breeze'....I guess people don't know what to say, but I feel like not only has my life changed because of this horrible diagnosis and fear of not seeing my children grow up...now my friends don't know what to say to me.

Instead of feeling grateful for the community support I've received here through the schools, I'm feeling irritable....because I'm not good at accepting help. I am embarassed and don't feel worthy of all of the help that we have received...babysitting, food, etc....It is so great that everyone has pulled together for us and yet I feel embarassed and like I don't know how to pay people back. ...though I'm sure they are expecting nothing.

I feel like I have to be positive for my mom and brother (who have flown in from TX) and also for the kids....my daughter has been so depressed that I have really really worked at being positive for her. We even had an ultrasound today and she and I went and saw the baby....

I used to worry so much about the baby surviving...but now I have begun to realize that the baby may have a better long-term survival than...I will...and it's terrifying. I am terrified of dying...and I'm depressed at the idea that my children will grow up without me.

I don't know who to talk to....I talk to my husband but it just depresses him more....I know I need to get into some kind of counseling or something...right now, I'm just struggling to make it through a day...or up the stairs...counseling seems like way too much effort.

Christmas eve is tonight...I'm planning on being positive and hopeful....I know that it's important. I'm sure that I'll feel better after I've had the first round of chemo. Isn't that funny? I'm just so desperate to take ACTION....