I feel better today...and almost embarassed by my emotional outburst the other day. It is hard to feel so out-of-control. I'm used to being able to control a lot about my life and I'm not good at dealing with uncertainty. I know that there are really no guarantees for any of us that tomorrow will come...but this illness puts that into an all new light.

Cancer is something that happens to 'other people'...until a few weeks ago, if I had read a story like mine I would have been able to distance myself from it believing somehow that I am immune to something like this. Sure, you read about things like this in Ladies Home Journal and Good Housekeeping...but that's just so far removed from MY reality. After all, I have 4 children, I'm 35, I'm pregnant...what is the statistical chance of something like THAT happening. I've said things like that many times to myself simply because of my fear of becoming ill.

So yesterday, I decided to simply believe that things will be ok. I am feeling better, breathing better, I am young and able to tolerate the chemotherapy. Things will be ok. I went and bought some preemie clothes for the baby because I want to be positive that there WILL be a baby there to fill them soon. Instead of being anxious and afraid, I've decided to take control in the only way that I know how.

I was going to buy my daughter a wedding present to be able to give to her some day ... with the belief that I would be here to give it to her...but...that sort of freaked me out too much. It led me down the "maybe I should make a hope chest for each of my children with a card/gift for every event/birthday/holiday just in case" and that really wasn't the 'strength' that I was going for. I guess I need to take it one thing at a time!

I'm sure that I'll have more down days, but today is a good day.