It feels like an eternity since I've updated my blog. So much has happened this past week. In keeping with my 'take control' of my life attitude, I made an appointment to go in and talk with my internist. One of the things that had really been bothering me was how my diagnosis came to be passed on to me.

I have a friendly relationship with my doctor...we're on a first name basis and I am usually scheduled to come in and see her at the end of the day because we tend to be...chatty. I enjoy her very much and I honestly...really care about her as a person. She has given me the impression that she feels the same way about me. Ahhh, how the boundaries can be blurred as a doctor's wife....

Once the kids got back to school, my mom left and my husband went back to work part-time, I began ruminating about the fact that she had been dishonest with me and that she had called me sounding panicked and upset to tell me about the mass...It was really a 2 minute phone call if that. I was mad that there was no follow-up. I started to feel betrayed.

When she came into the exam room she hugged me and then I laughed and told her we needed to 'talk'....I pretty much said "1. you lied to me, 2. you called me on the phone and told me I had a mass and you were upset and 3. you abandoned me after that". She talked about her feelings..how shocked she had been when she saw my x-ray and how she had wanted to believe that it was something benign related to pregnancy...and then...she started crying...and she told me, through tears, how much she cared about me and that she had cried that night and cried before she called me...and cried when she showed the x-ray to my husband down in the radiology department. She told me that she felt so hopeful for me now but that she had been so devastated initially. She told my husband "I really love your wife" and he had replied "me too"...and they had shared a moment, I guess.

I was really touched by how much she cared and I am so glad that I went in and talked with her about my feelings and listened to her point-of-view. I also felt so much happier and relieved when I left.

The rest of my week has been up and down. I have been tired...and...my hair started falling out. At first, it was not..from a place that I actually expected to lose hair. Shocked Though I coped with it by entertaining the thought of buying a bright purple shag pubic wig that I found online...I am planning on wearing it when I go in for my c-section. I can't wait to see the look on my OB's face.

The hair on my head started shedding a day later...and it was just a couple of hairs here and there. I have such thick hair that I started to believe that it was so 'strong' that I would keep it. The following day, I could run my fingers through my hair and pull out about 30 hairs by giving a gentle tug...it didn't hurt and it was really odd....Today, I got into the shower and when I went to shampoo my hair...half of my head pretty much landed on the drain. I couldn't believe it...Every time I put my hands through my hair, huge amounts came out. It was almost alarming because I couldn't seem to get the hair out of my fingers. I finally put some conditioner on to try and 'smooth' the rest...rinsed it carefully and got out. With a wet head, you can see through to my scalp in many places...and there are lots of bald spots. Once it dried, it fluffed up and looked much better...you wouldn't really notice unless you knew...I don't think...but...my husband thinks that the rest will be gone tomorrow.

It's a good thing I visited the 'wig lady' on Monday...Of course, I was so embarassed being there and so worried about inconveniencing her that I took a red-headed wig (to fulfill my hubby's fantasies) and didn't let her cut it or anything. "No, it's fine the way it is"...now I'm wishing that I had done something. I feel very self-conscious wearing it, so I doubt I will...excpet for limited times when hubby wants to see it [Roll Eyes]

I'll admit that I may not be up for it then either....I suddenly feel even more unattractive...and the reality of this illness is looming a little larger.

Today I also got bawled out by the Recess Attendant at my first grader's school. Since all of this started, he has become more and more reluctant to go to school. It started with a choking episode, but has blossomed into much more. We were having mornings of screaming, crying, tearing off clothes and hiding behind furniture. His teacher even drove out here and picked him up one morning. He kept telling me his day was too long and he missed me too much, so to get things going more smoothly, I started agreeing to go to recess and lunch with him every day. This has helped enormously. There is one attendant though who scowls when she sees me coming with my 2 year old. Today, when my 2 year old was playing on the equipment (with my almost 7 year old behind him and me standing on the ground in front of him) she came up and bawled me out telling me that this was unsafe and did the 'principal know' that I was coming every day with my 2 year old? I wanted to just scream "Do I LOOK like I want to be standing out here in 25 degree weather with a 2 year old and my first grader? Do you know he won't go to school because he's afraid something horrible will happen to his mom?" I just pretty much said nothing. Apparently, one of the other attendants overheard and went to my son's teacher about it...but it made me so mad!

I have had a lot of postive days where I've managed to get things done in the house, but it is very hard to stay at home and keep busy. I realize that my career issue is an integral part of who I am. I began searching the U of MN med school website again this week...and started that obsessive 'what do I need to do to apply' thinking. Does it ever stop????? DH basically said "if you beat this, you can do whatever you want, Kris"...and that scared me....if? IF? I, personally, refuse to consider any other alternative.

Which makes tomorrow loom even larger in my mind...I go in for bloodwork and a chest x-ray to see if this whole thing has started to 'work'...I feel anxious...I'm trying to throw a positive spin on it all...I notice a difference...I know it's helping...but until I actually hear the doctor say it, I'll be nervous.