My grouchines continues.

Honestly...we survived residency, fellowship, two international moves and tons of 'regular' moves...but I just lately wonder if we Thomas and I can ... get through this anymore. Actually, lately, I'm wondering if I can just get through this anymore. I'm tired.

We have done fine until recently, but the 'novelty' of this whole cancer thing wore off a long time ago and it's gotten harder for me to function like I used to. Up until recently, I was still able to take care of things and...I had my mom or my dad/rose around to help...but the exhaustion is lasting longer as is the mental apathy I feel...sad, I know. It's just harder for me on all levels to rally myself...even though I know this next chemo is my last. I've been told to expect the tiredness to continue and that radiation can really exhaust you...also, I've been told to expect radiation to knock me down for the duration plus...another month.


I just am already dreading 4 weeks of radiation. I have woken up several nights worrying because of the location of the remaining tissue (between the lungs at the aortic...root?). I keep wondering what will happen if I breath during radiation if I'm supposed to be holding my breath or...ok...this is silly...if they tie you into some contraption to hold you still or if it is some claustrophobic tube structure or something. Obviously, I just need to get the first treatment over with so I know. I just keep worrying that they'll burn my lungs or my heart or my aorta or...I don't know. I know it seems ridiculous, but....it also feels plausible.

Also, the self-doubts have set in about handling a newborn with whatever issues may arise in terms of prematurity, etc....I can barely get things done around here now. It was a huge effort for me to fold two loads of laundry and load the dishwasher this morning. Rolling Eyes Maybe I'm just getting lazy and I'll actually rise to the occasion....I also probably won't be able to breastfeed and so I wonder how I'm going to manage multiple night-wakenings with a newborn with a teeny tummy. Breastfeeding is so frightfully easy! The milk is there, ready, the right temp/mixture. How am I going to make bottles in the middle of the night AND get the kids out the door to school AND function with a 2 year old and a newborn during the day? I'm afraid that I'm going to fall apart...I really am. Sadly, I might be falling apart already.

I've never worried like this before bringing a baby home...I always experienced the newborn stage as the easiest time of parenting....one of my favorite times, actually. I love nursing the baby, holding it during the day, bathing it..changing it...everything about mothering a newborn....Now...I just feel like I might be in over my head.

I feel tired all of the time...and then there is this blasted prednisone.
I woke up at 3.45am this morning and have been up since then. It's only noon, but it feels like nap time to me...except...thanks to the prednisone my eyeballs are practically glued open...though I feel exhausted.

Thomas just seems to not understand and he blames all of my irritibality, etc on the 'prednisone' . He doesn't see how he is contributing to the problem at all by having so little understanding. He jumps back and forth between being nice and being...well...aggressive. I know he's struggling too...and I don't blame him really. He has had to shoulder a lion's share of the responsibility over the last couple of weeks and things haven't let up much since I got home....

I just really don't know how much more of the stress any of us can really take anymore.

Funny...now that we're nearing the tail end of all of this, huh?