It's been awhile since I've updated. So much has happened and there have been so many times that I wanted to pop in here and touch base with everyone! It's been a really up and down 8 days...

Zoe has continued to do well in the NICU. They are continuing to wean her from the isolette and hopefully she'll be taking a bottle soon....I say bottle because...my milk never really came in. cry This was a very hard thing for me to accept. I nursed Andrew and Amanda for ~1 year, but....I nursed Alex for (*gulp*) 3 years and Aidan up until the day that I took my first chemo (he was 2). It is something that has always been very important to me and when I never experienced 'engorgement', etc I kept hoping that it would come "tomorrow"...but....tomorrow really just brought a little colustrum and eventualy about 10 drops of breastmilk/breast after 20 minutes of pumping. At first, I cried about it a lot (postpartum hormones and all). DH didn't really understand..."She is healthy, we have a POSITIVE outcome...if this is the worst thing to come from your lymphoma, then OH WELL". I told him that I felt like an impotent man Rolling Eyes ( I know...OH, the melodrama...but in my heart, there is a part of me that grieves and feels like a real failure). I had a morning where I woke up crying...and other mornings where I woke up grabbing my breasts to see if 'finally' there was something there. It all seems very silly...but I'll just shove it off on my heightened emotional post-partum self. My OB listened, comforted me and then basically told me that this was mother nature's way of saying "no more". He refused to prescribe reglan for me, but he didn't rule it out for another day....I have been really impressed by him! I'm...glad...that things worked out the way that they did.

Recently, he asked me to come back and see him for a 2 week follow-up and then suggested that I could return to the other OB for my 6 week and continuing care. I told him that I was so happy with the care that he had given me and for being such a calming force that I wanted to continue on with him now as my ob/gyn....he said he'd be "honored". So...now...I officially have a male ob...it's really funny that I have spent the last 18 years of my life avoiding male ob docs and now I feel so comfortable with him....I wonder why I ever made such a big deal about it all now. Rolling Eyes

Thomas has delt with all of the stress of my being in the hospital and then driving back and forth between home and the hospital in a rather...pitiful manner....he is angry, exhausted and in short...totally in the dog house...and yet, I understand that he is just at the end of his rope. My mom is here helping, but she has limitations due to her own health issues and has been struggling to help with the kids as much as he would like. At the same time though, he is rude to her, arrogant, makes unfriendly comments Rolling Eyes and has basically put her on the defensive even though she just wants to connect with him and help. I should be mad at him because he's been such a jerk, but I just can't be....he's just totally overwhelmed and I know that he is struggling to cope...

The kids are equally stressed out. Yesterday, Andrew nearly cried when he had to go to boyscouts. "I never see you..please don't make me go". His ride was literally at the door. I told him I'd have dinner (I'd just gotten home from bathing Zoe) and then meet him at the meeting. Then, I came home to pick up Thomas (who spazzed out over the fact that I worte a $75 check to boyscouts and ended up screaming at me...I left him at home) and then drive back to the hospital for the 9pm feeding. Amanda has become even more moody and anxious. We had to take her to the pedi two weeks ago because she was having .... anxiety attacks Sad ... now she seems to be worse. She made herself a waffle yesterday and put Nutella on it...then she thought a bug got into it and spent nearly 2 HOURS coughing and gagging. She scared my mother to death..... Alex seems to actually be hanging in there the best...but Aidan demands that I feed him Milk Bobies (bottle) everytime I'm home...and...I have to hold him as if he were a baby.

They have told me 1-2 more weekss of NICU...and I'm just...I'm exhausted. Then I have a "friend" (term used loosely) who has constantly called me for help with her website for school. She actually managed to talk the administration at the Uni into paying her to develop a website for a program she helps with....for 3 paid credit hours as a full professor...then she promptly called me for *help* because she has no idea of how to build a website. She came during my chemo sessions asking for *help*, called me during chemo for *help* (I actually spent an hour during one chemo talking her though something)...when she found out that there was no internet access in my chemo room she asked me to meet her the day before chemo to *help* and I spent ~4 hours *helping* aka. doing.

So...she never finished her website because she expects ME to do the work. Here I am a week post-partum, and I was sitting in the NICU with Zoe and the nurse's phone rang....it was HER calling me.

"Kris, it's kind of eery that I can track you down anywhere, isn't it?". Ummm, yes, it's actually getting to be fatal attraction eery now!!!! She told me she'd talked to my mom who said I was up at the NICU and that I am sick with a fever and..."I have a huge favor to ask of you". Fortuitously, at that time my cell phone rang. I was waiting for a call back from my OB because I have developed a fever that I've held on to for two days (another long story)....so...I had to hang up....

I'm just shocked at the nerve of people....I know that she was still moaning and carrying on weeks after she had surgery a year ago...and...I'm a TAD busy right now...I'm really sorry that she can't finish her website ...NOT!

The end of this rambling blog entry finds me back in the hospital...with endometritis. Sad I had some problems after delivery with having no flow at all....After 2 days I had to submit to a fairly aggressive uterine massage to get things working...My OB has stopped by the NICU several times and has been telling me to take it easy and check for fever...he was concerned by the two pelvic ultrasounds that I had. We thought I'd turned the corner on it all and then Last night I developed a temp of 100.4...not too high, but I was supposed to call for anything above 100. This morning it was 100.6 and when I checked in it was 101.

I got to see my dh's partner first ( Rolling Eyes Yeah, now his partner knows how fat I am because he's had the thrill of examining me. Confused ) His partner basically told me that I didn't look sick and that he thought I'd be discharged in the morning.....he wasn't concerned.

Then my OB came in and did a pelvic exam, expressed quite a bit of concern.

My blood results came back and apparently, my CRP (something reactive protein...I'm waaaay too lazy now to look it up) was 15.8 and normal is something like .8 .... which means...I do indeed have a problem.

Now I'm on an every 6 hour antibiotic pump and...if it's not better in 2 days then I'll need a D&C....not the end of the world...

I missed Alex's first choir concert tonight...and...the kids came to vist and pretty much tore up the room here after it was all over. bolt

They took a chest x-ray and there is still an abnormality and Thomas is just absolutely freaking out.

I soooo want this to be over. I just want to wake up and have this all have just been a bad dream!!!!