Home, home, home I came...to fighting kids, grumpy spouse and overwhelmed mom. Why did I want to come home? No..I'm so glad I'm here, but...

I have spent all afternoon disciplining my daughter (NOT how I wanted to spend the day with her, but she has become so mean-spirited and rude that I can't stand it anymore.) Today when I got home, she came downstairs and said hi and grabbed some toilet paper (a long stream of it) to wipe her nose and then intentionally tossed it on the floor. My mom said "Amanda, pick that up" and she thought I couldn't hear...so...Amanda turned to my mom and said "I didn't do that (boldfaced lie)...don't you go blaming people for things that they didn't do" in the rudest most ridiculous tone of voice ever. This is how it has been with her and it is...awful.

I feel for my daughter. Her 10th bday is coming up and she planned this big party and then when it came down to inviting someone...she couldn't think of a friend to invite Shocked cry She said she has no friends and really....she's miserable and very lonely. The girls at school are being so mean to her...they're such...snobs. Our nextdoor neighbor invited her to spend the night a week ago. They had a great time and Amanda was sooo happy and full of smiles. Then, the girl completely ignored her and even *dissed* her at school...and she just came unraveled. It's not right that girls are such little bitches at such an early age. I want to go over and just rip every hair out of her little head. Shocked

I understand that Amanda's under stress, but her behavior has gone way too far....at dinner, she refused to eat because I wouldn't let her eat Ramen soup (again). She has been living on ramen soup and waffles. She's a vegetarian but won't eat anything healthy. We had prepared potatoes, veggies and applesauce for her and when she didn't get her way, she stomped up to my room. After dinner I came up and she was laying on my bed watching a movie. I told her her behavior was completely unacceptable, that despite the fact that I understand that she is stressed out that I won't tolerate it anymore. I made her go to her room for the rest of the night and left her plate out to be reheated if she got hungry. 2 hours later, I went up and told her that if she wanted to come down (yes, I was feeling wimpy) that she had to apologize to my mother for her rudeness. She flipped her head around, ignored me and just kept reading a book. So...I left it at that.

Then, of course, Thomas intervened a half an hour later. She found out that he was going to the grocery store and begged for him to come upstairs. Suddenly, she was downstairs spelling S*O*R*R*Y out to my mom. Thomas insited that she SAY it and as soon as she did (and NOT with much genuine meaning), he let her 1. come with him and 2. informed me that she could eat something else. Embarassed Can I kill him now? As usual, I am the bad guy. They are home from the store and she's cheerfully talking with him/hanging out with him. It makes me feel badly about myself and my mothering.

In the meantime, I had talked to Andrew who was near tears all afternoon saying that Thomas is too hard on him (true) and that no one has been nice to him for awhile. To top it off, with all of the stress going on here, we got him to school late a few days and he got 3 days of detention during lunch that they wouldn't let him out of...there are NO excuses here for 3 tardees...Then, after I listened to him and we talked for a half an hour and I got him to play with our other boys and eventake a bath with them, he marched into Amanda's room and told her "You're ugly and you have no friends" to retaliate for how awful she has been to him. Sad Apparently, as soon as he was feeling good and laughing/feeling connected with his other siblings again, he felt free to take his frustration out on Amanda...so...I made him apologize for that.

~sigh

I've lost control of my family.....How could things have deteriorated this much over the last few months and how on EARTH will I get things back under control with everything going on?

Thomas is grouchy, my mom is exhausted and needs some time for herself because quite frankly, Thomas has been a real butthead to her. He doesn't let her do things and then complains that she doesn't do anything. He complains because she doesn't get up and help him get the kids out the door in the morning but doesn't give her credit for watching them all day long. Yes, my mom isn't perfect, but...good LORD.

Anytime they have a conversation, it ends with him being rude to her...I'm sure Amanda sees this and thinks it is permission to be rude to her too! Example of rudeness: My mom is a nurse practitioner and currently does geriatrics out of a passion for working with the elderly. She cared for my grandmother as she died from Alzheimer's disease and she just ... cares about the elderly. My husband knows this and yet he says to her "geriatrics should be completely eliminated.....these people just need to be allowed to die ...who would want to do geriatrics" etc etc. Every day that I've been in the hospital I've had to listen to some little juicy tidbit from my mom after everyone went upstairs....

MUST everything that dh thinks come through his mouth? Does he NOT have a filter?

I understand that HE is under stress....but...come ON! Does her really think I will EVER host his mother now? EVER? He has also been frightfully rude to me in front of my mother because he's "stressed". Please....cry me a river. Rolling Eyes

He is also really, really pushing the "my mom is coming" thing. I have pretty much laughed in his face and told him "let me know when hell freezes over...then you can book her ticket". I told him it may be years before I'd be willing to host her and then he went on about how SHE wants to see the baby. Quite frankly, I don't care if she ever sees me or my children again and I don't give a rip about some kind of grandmother rights or letting my kids build a relationship with her or whatever...
Basically, I told him if his mom comes in the summer, I'll pack up the kids and head to TX and....I will. Won't he be surprised.

Maybe I will find forgiveness for her as I continue on this journey, but something that I've been realizing is that it is actually ok to...decide to say "NO".

Friends of ours (also colleagues of Thomas) disappeared from our lives after my diagnosis. I wanted to forgive them for a long time....if they would just...call or contact me somehow.....after awhile though, I was just so hurt and angry and I decided it was OK to walk away from those people and choose not to let them back into my life when it was convenient/"safe" for them. When I decided that, I actually let go of my anger.

Funny thing....I caught one of these people coming in to see Zoe on 2 different occasions. She's a pediatrician, so she was able to come and go in the NICU. I put her name on the "can't visit" list because it really ticked me off that she would ignore me and then come in and see the baby. When she was told that she couldn't visit anymore, she came to me and told me how sorry she was about not contacting me before. We had this sort of...hell-come-to jesus moment in the middle of the NICU where I basically said "how could you have abandoned me at that time in my life" and she apologized and explained.....

So...I forgive her...

Hmmm....please don't tell me there is hope for my mil....I really don't want to have her around anymore.

What's good?

A lot.

Zoe graduated today from the isolette to a "big girl bed". You GO GIRL!
Alex had a great day at school, Aidan is thrilled to see me, I get to sleep in my own bed without someone waking me up every couple of hours for temp/blood pressure monitoring, etc and

this may seem silly...

but I'm actually eating for 1...for the first time in years. I'm eating like a normal person and I feel really good about it. I made a choice about my health and feeling better about myself and I've stuck to it since Zoe was born...that's....9 days...

I'm really happy about that.

The sun will come out tomorrow...I know it...if it doesn't, I'll have to light a bonfire in my backyard or something to trick myself!