So...current drama aside...who needs drama anyway ... my big issue that I was going to post about today is breastfeeding. I've been waiting and hoping that my milk would finally come in beyond the few dribbles that I've gotten....It has been so disappointing to me because I nursed all of my children and it was a way for me to bond with them and feel closer to them. For me, it became a symbol of womanhood and I would even go as far as to say that my inability to nurse Zoe has made me feel like less of a woman. Silly? perhaps...I have no doubt that all of my children would be perfectly fine if I had bottled from the beginning as I had initially planned when I was pregnant with my first. Had it not been for the midwives in Germany basically bringing baby in and latching him on repeatedly and gently showing me how to do it, I would have not breastfed...It's a strange thing for me to focus on right now, but my inability to produce milk and to interest the baby in even suckling/trying has been a trigger for me....I've cried more about this than I did over the cancer diagnosis ... perhaps it is that "tip of the iceberg" issue.

I thought I had come to terms with it finally. I'm no longer obsessing on it, pumping for extended periods and hoping, etc. Then, yesterday, I began passing large blood clots...I actually soaked through 3 pads in a matter of about 2 hours. I was in Target getting things for Amanda's birthday (she turned 10 yesterday) and I actually had to go and buy pads for myself...and thought I'd have to go up to a sales associate and ask for help. I thought I was hemmorhaging or something... Shocked Embarassed Sorry for the TMI.

I called my OB's office and the nurse told me that it might have been retained placenta. "Kris, I think your milk WILL come in now". The bleeding slowed to pretty much nothing within another hour and I....well...I started to rejoice. I was so excited that I had perhaps just had some retained placenta preventing me from feeding Zoe that I think I told every nurse on staff in the NICU. Rolling Eyes "my milk IS going to come in now" Rolling Eyes

It's been very hard for me there because the nurses rotate around a lot and float on peds and I rarely see the same nurse more than 2 days in a row. I'm constantly being asked if it is "safe" for me to attempt to nurse the baby because of the chemo. Then they are always asking me about the amount of milk I'm able to express (um...10 drops a breast Rolling Eyes )...then they have sometimes withdrawn the contents of her stomach through the NG tube after she has suckled for awhile to "see" if "mom has any milk". NOPE. None of this is done with malicious intent...they are extremely caring people and I know that they don't mean for me to feel badly...but...I feel like a failure. I have cried on more trips home than I care to mention.

When I woke up this morning, the first thing that I did was grab my breasts to see if...well...there was milk. After all....loss of the retained placenta would kick my body into motion.

I'm so sorry for anyone who is embarassed by this...particularly any men reading this. Hopefully, since you've all had children, you'll forgive my bluntness...or roll your eyes at my female obsessing and discussions of bodily functions. Mr. Green

I saw my OB today and he said he is "confident" that there was no retained placenta (so was the pathologist). Sad He said he was unable to really dilate my cervix because the anterior region of my uterus was so thin that he was afraid of tearing the uterus...he thinks it was just blood clots/tissue from the delivery...that means...no more milk.

I nearly cried when he said it and....I've allowed myself some gloom about it this afternoon....now I find myself hoping that he is wrong...wondering if won't still come....but I know really that it won't.

At the end of the day...big picture time...it doesn't matter. For the record, I'm not a nipple nazi...I don't think that you have to breastfeed your baby, and I don't look down my nose at moms that bottle (I don't even give it a second thought really). I'm only upset because it was so important to me.

In the grand scheme of things, it's an unimportant issue really.

Back to the important issue of the day...the PET scan.

I've decided that it really isn't the end of the world. Yes, it would have been nice to get an "all clear" before the radiation starts tomorrow...we would have all felt more confident and less afraid...but the truth is that I can't change it....and...it does not mean that I'm going to die and that this is the "end of the road"...it's just another bump on...a sort of bumpy road....and I'll keep moving forward. I don't have time to sit down and feel bad about it and I certainly don't intend to dwell on it....so...onward it is!


Oh...side issue...Aidan now calling himself "Aidan" instead of "Eeehan". When did HE start getting all grown up on me? He really seems so big to me now that Zoe is here....