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First, there were renewed rounds of x-rays....the machine seemed very close to me and I started feeling anxious: "What if the machine breaks and falls on me" kind of thinking. Rolling Eyes It occurred to me while I was laying there with these things rotating around me that after the MRI's, PET scan and radiation I don't ever want to be buried in a coffin. (morbid thought, I know) I started to feel like the walls were closing in on me...wondered if the ceiling might fall down around me Rolling Eyes I just kept reminding myself that it was anxiety and ... it passed before I knew it. When I got up and got dressed though I was flushed all the way up my chest and face from nervousness.
I have tons of black marks all over my chest and sides...they will be tattooing little black dots on me next week. I asked them for a fairy princess tattoo, but...they don't take requests.
On the humiliating side of my day...The rad onc took me in his office and explained he could only do 17 rounds of radiation instead of 20. Why? If you are on the heavy side, sit with me and have a good sob...if not...well....I hate you temporarily. I asked why the 17 rounds instead of the 20 and he said "I don't know how to say this to you...well...um....thinner people have a larger lung volume and..." I interrupted him..."that's ok, I get the picture" and cracked a few jokes to change the subject. He laughed with me and then just explained that I had a smaller lung volume due to my weight. Great. He also mentioned my PET scan...to me, it sounded like he thought it was still active tumor cells....but he also said that they respond very well to radiation.
Then I went over to the onc side to show some pics of the baby to the nurse who had administered my chemo nearly every time. She also had a primary mediastinal lymphoma 19 years ago and survived and went on to have 4 girls....today was her day off, but one of the other nurses came out "Oh, KRIS.....Brenda will be so upset that she missed you! I have to call her immediately and tell her. She told me yesterday that she saw you two days ago at Coborn's and you looked like you were "really close"...she said after seeing you that it must be any day now".
"Ummm....I had the baby 2 weeks ago...but...I'll file that away in the recesses of my mind" I joked. The nurse turned red. "I'm soooo sorry".
"It's alright...no problem."
chocolate chip cookies anyone?
Here I am doing sooo well with my eating...I can't believe how disciplined I am and how well I'm doing with single portion sizes and no snacking...and in two weeks I've lost and gained 1/2 pound over and over again.
What is UP with that? There is part of me that feels like just giving up....I'm eating literally 1/3 of what I used to eat and I'm NOT losing weight.
There truly is no justice.