I was going to wait to update my blog until I brought little Miss Zoe home...I thought a 'homecoming' post would be the next one...but...apparently, it isn't. Confused

Last week, I kind of had a mini-meltdown after my NICU visit. The whole "feeding and growing" b.s. has definitley just gotten me down...First, they started her on the full bottles way too soon and there was a nurse there that would say "I got her to take the entire feed and she was still hungry" about 2 weeks ago...Honestly, at first I just thought that she was lying...then, as she indeed started taking more, I started thinking that they must think that I was lying about her not taking her feeds for me and having to be gavage fed...because the nurses were having more luck than I was....I began feeling hypersensitive (who ME? Rolling Eyes ) but I just kept plucking away at it. I asked the successful nurses for their tips...and it was pretty much...hold her completely away from your body so she doesn't get comfortable and fall asleep, massage her cheeks/chin and when all else fails, squeeze the nipple to squirt the milk into her mouth. Rolling Eyes

Every time Zoe seemed to be 'getting there' with her bottle feeding though, they were increasing her feed amount. So...for example, she would take 32ml of her 38ml feeding and would only have to be 'gavage' fed 6ml...and just as we were celebrating her getting closer, they'd up her feed amount.

Last week on Thursday was my breaking point. She was finally taking about 45 ml (which seems to be her personal best...though she now occasionally bottles 49 or 50...sucking and spitting most of it up though)....They increased her feeding amount from 50 ml to 56ml and I just lost it. It was too MUCH for her and they were forcing it into her tummy. One day I sat there while they gavage fed her the last 10ml of her feeding. The amount in the syringe decreased to 5ml then went up to 12ml...Zoe kept squeezing her tummy and forcing the milk back up into the syringe and after 40 minutes of this (YES, 40 MINUTES) of trying to force her to take the last 5ml, they just pushed it into her tummy and she moaned...I turned around and yelled at the nurse and then left the unit to get my head together.

I decided to visit the lactation consultant who has been helping me, but on the way there I just lost it and burst into sobs....The nurse manager for the unit took me to the lactation consultants office and I got it together so that I didn't seem like the complete nut that I am...but I had basically decided that I was...(OK....get out the haldol)...going to come and just take her home. I just know that if I could get her home and feed her on demand that she'd do better. Obviously, that wasn't a rational idea and no...I didn't end up trying (or I suppose I'd be writing from a jail cell somewhere in central mn Mr. Green ...which might not be so bad considering how shitty things are at home right now).

I talked to the neonatologist and he decided to lower her feeding to 50ml and said that if she lost weight we would increase the caloric content (not volume) of her feeding.

By this weekend, she was taking 48ml pretty regularly and I really thought I'd be taking her home tomorrow. We are at 1 month today...1 MONTH. She is 37 weeks/3 days now corrected. It is TIME for her to come HOME! Another neonatologist that saw her this w/e wrote in her chart on Sunday that she'd be home in the next couple of days!

I took her car seat in and she and it passed...she passed her hearing screen...we built her bed and bought newborn diapers etc....and then...I went in to the NICU today.

grrrrr

The doc from the weekend came to talk to me personally (ours is now on vacation)....because he "knew I'd be upset"...ya THINK!

She did not gain enough weight last week and is not growing enough. HE decided that instead of increasing caloric intake we are going to DECREASE caloric content and INCREASE the amount. Hey, dipshit...what part of "it is too much for her do you NOT understand??????" I have just had it! Noone here is consistent....I rarely see the same nurses because they work 12 hour shifts that rotate between days and nights, float peds and are always assigned to different 'pods' of babies. One nurse forcefeeds her, the next gavage feeds her for an entire feed if she 'seems sleepy'....good GOD! Do they HAVE a system? Do THEY???? I hate them...I do....I am back to contemplating just...taking her. Surely I can have her discharged against medical advice. It would embarass Thomas to tears, but...I don't care.

~sigh


And as to things at home...if Thomas and I aren't sending each other "I want a divorce" text messages, we're uttering it at each other under our breath.

It's all just too much.

The kids don't listen, the house is chaos and my mom leaves tomorrow....So now I'm trying to find daycare for Aidan and am trying to plan KidStop for Amanda and Alex.

I may be leaving Amanda in KidStop for the summer. Confession number 1 million...I can't deal with her anymore....I wish that I could, but she has become so outrageously difficult that now she will need therapy just to get over the trauma of how awful I have been to her lately.

She has treated my mother with horrible meanness and disrespect. Today was the tip of the iceberg for me...I can't even LOOK at my daughter anymore without screaming at the top of my lungs at her. She can be in KidStop or she'll end up in long-term therapy years down the road...I quite frankly don't even give a rip anymore how awful that confession sounds (though I might after I hit submit).

She tried out for a play today and got a great part. She was so excited and we were all so excited FOR her...she wanted this SO much and I wanted it so much for her...because she needs something positive.

She has treated my mom like dog poop for the last 5 weeks (thanks in part, I believe, to Thomas treating my mom like that) but after we picked her up from play practice today, my mom offered to take her on a clothing shopping spree to celebrate. (Amanda now refuses to wear most of her pants because they "touch" her butt Rolling Eyes ). Amanda refused to go the minute my mom left the room..was making faces at me, rolling her eyes that she didn't want to go, begging me not to force her to go with her *gasp* grandmother anywhere, etc.

So I pretty much told her that she was not participating in the play, that I don't like her anymore, that I'm apalled by her behavior and want nothing to do with it or her Shocked and sent her to her room. If she comes downstairs, I suggest someone dial 9-1-1 because one of us is not coming out of this house alive. I'm SICK of her sass, her rudeness to my mother and to me, and her spoiled brat attitude...I've absolutely had it.

This child will NOT survive adolescence in this house living with me...unless she changes fast. I refuse to do this anymore. It broke my heart for my mom...who has done everything to try and win Amanda over while she's been here. Amanda is just rude and inconsiderate..and it is completely unacceptable. I don't care what "stress" she has had going on...I don't.

My mom went to Kohl's by herself to take back the pants that she had bought for Amanda a couple of days ago that didn't fit...and I thought my head would explode...of course, I was screaming and yelling as both the Schwan's man and a neighbor rang the bell and I almost went to the door and said "leave me the fawk alone"...but I managed to control myself enough to be polite.

So yes, it's official...I've lost my damned mind....totally and completely lost it.

I sure hope my insurance will cover psych meds and therapy for this family....