It's been awhile since I've updated. We just have too much going on this summer and I don't seem to be able to find much time to get online. The kids are busy with activities and I'm either in the van driving them or getting them ready to go. We have soccer and Theater going on and then we're spending other days at the local beaches and parks after we do our german homeschooling stuff.

I'm very stressed right now with the upcoming PET scan looming larger and larger. Wednesday at 7am the games begin again. I've been trying to prepare myself emotionally, and am working really hard at relaxing and working on the kids and trying to bring us closer together again. It isn't easy. I'm struggling emotionally to cope with a friend who is now having to go for a bone marrow transplant after his chemo failed him. Quite honestly, I lack the courage to face that....and I don't know how he's managing it other than I assume he is simply putting one foot in front of the next to make it through each day. What choice does he have?

My mom called to tell me that she had been at a Nurse Practitioner convention for CME and had talked to an NP from MDAnderson who said that they have seen an increase in Primary Mediastinal Lymphoma in young pregnant women....They had cared for a few this past year or so Shocked She said "I don't want to frighten you, but" (you know that's bad news!)"the women had activity light up in their PET scans post-chemo and radiation, Kris". The women are on a "watch and wait" protocol at MDAnderson.

I know that we wouldn't be doing watch and wait here...I'm sure a positive pet scan means another biopsy(I shudder at the thought)...and could potentially mean more chemo and...a bone marrow transplant....and the idea absolutely brings me to my knees. Please God don't let me still be sick! Please! I'm absolutely terrified of the results!

Of course, the PET scan could be clear.....but I won't know until wed night or Thursday afternoon. For all I know, Wed. night we'll be partying it up around here! Smile

My dad said "I know it will be fine, Kris, because everyone we know is praying for you and everyone at our church and their churches. We have so many people praying for you that you will definitely be ok". I told him how wonderful I thought that was and not to minimize it...that..a lot of people were in that situation and still didn't get better...that sometimes God says "no" for reasons that maybe we don't understand...and that I am afraid. He understood. He is just scared too. We all want to know...but we don't want to know.

And you're not supposed to talk about this stuff....this is the part of having cancer that no one really wants to know about. People want to see you smiling and courageous...they want to talk about how strong you are and how you always have something positive to say. They don't want to see the reality though and...I don't blame them. It's uncomfortable. It's scarey...It's too close to home. Despite everything I've gone through, I struggle to talk with the friend I have who is going through the bone marrow transplant. It's easier for me to talk to his wife....I can read his mind...I know he's terrified of dying and I don't know what to say.

There are few real resources for people here to deal with it all. There are some support groups, but they are poorly advertised and not well attended. For the most part, people manage on their own...and I think most people do ok.

This is such a huge life-altering thing... I can imagine that my life will never be the same...and...I can also imagine that once I'm 'cured' it won't be politically correct to talk about this experience and the highs and lows. If I had been injured bunjee jumping and it changed my life for the better, people would want to hear about it...it would be "ok" to talk about. But cancer? I think people would rather you not talk about something like that.

There are many things in life that fit that bill. Most people have some sort of traumatic or difficult experiences in their lives that make them who they are. Often times it isn't ok to discuss even years after the fact because it makes other people feel too uncomfortable.

I have decided that I will definitely be pursuing a graduate degree in psychology when I am better...because I want to be able to listen to people when they need to talk about these life-altering events that they feel they have to keep bottled up...I want to help people to start putting their lives back together and to find hope.

Of course...I'll need to put our lives back together first. Wink

Amanda is up and down and up and down. We finally sat back and forth writing each other letters and she told me she is mad at me because I ruined everything...because of me, our family has struggled...I have been depressed and impatient, Thomas has been stressed out and worried...she has felt unloved and unhappy. The result? She is taking her pre-adolescent angst out on us. Not a day goes by that I don't hear "WhatEVer" 20 times...that she isn't stomping out of a room and being angry. She is hypersensitive and any comment sends her over the edge. It is very hard to live with and both Thomas and I are trying very hard to keep from completely losing it!

Crazy neighbor has stepped up her antics with accusations against Alex (age 7) and the rest of our kids that are completely out there. She has attempted to slander us to our neighbors and it has frankly been...a horrible time...a nightmare. When this all started, her boys came over to our house with the mom and we all sat down. The boys said that they had made up the story. Crazy neighbor was very upset when the boys didn't stick to their story at our house....and continued to tell the story to others and embellish it. When I refused to let our children play together anymore, she became irate with me on the phone and threatened to call the police...I told her I thought it was a great idea and that she should. She did....nothing happened.

Her boys were at a neighbor's house and that mom asked about everything going on. Again the boys said that it was made up....but the stories persist.

I don't know what possesses this woman to act this way. I now understand why she is on disability for mental health problems. Obviously, she is seriously disturbed. Despite knowing this, I'm a wreck. I can't sleep and I'm feeling very flushed and short of breath. I know that this is probably stress hormones, but the shortness of breath terrifies me and I find myself constantly obsessing and worrying about it.

Thomas is doing everything possible to help me relax. He sits outside with me while the kids are playing, plays soccer with us outside...hugs me, tells me how much he loves me....and it helps...but it doesn't take away the fact that I feel so betrayed and sad..that I am so sad for Alex...I'm afraid to be out in my backyard by myslef because she's such a loose cannon. Her son had Alex's Minnish Cap video game and he offered to return it. When she heard him say that she screamed "No you won't". The next morning, we found it ripped to shreds and thrown over the fence into our yard. She is scarey. I don't have the emotional reserves left to deal with it.

Zoe is doing well. She is up to 8 pounds 14 ounces...and is still struggling with anemia (hemoglobin 9.1)...so we're going to up the Iron. She is also constipated and is taking prune juice..so...she is stink....y! Laughing She's a super toot machine. Laughing

I have tons of pics to upload...I just have to find my cable...then I'm going to have a "catch up with our family" photo page!