Doctors can be such tools. I think I have had enough medical *help* from them now to make that statement!

This has been my crazy week! I continued having issues with shortness of breath that got worse (the rad onc said it could, right?!) Then I began having pleural pain and was sweating everytime I walked anywhere. When I was struggling to walk from Target around the corner to B. Dalton in the mall, I knew there was something wrong.

So...I went ahead and put in a call to the rad onc and he decided to have me come in for a visit. There, he promptly let me know that he "sees this kind of thing all of the time after treatment"...you know...people and their anxiety. Rolling Eyes I am not disregarding anxiety as an actual thing that happens after treatement...I do have some...but...this was more and I felt it quite strongly. He actually told me that he had "laid in bed" the night before trying to think about what could be wrong with me and that there was just "no medical explanation".....tool!

After a nice little condescending conversation he decided to do a CT to "rule out the medical" and told me ithe CT would come back clear and that I would see that after more of these clear CTs my symptoms would go away.

Oh, Thank you, medical Gawd. Rolling Eyes

Of course it wasnt clear...I had ground glass-like lesions throughout my right lung and one lesion that my regular oncologist (whom I like) called "peculiar"....and...off and running we were all over again. Thomas got so sick to his stomach and upset that he couldnt work and had to come home several hours early. The radiologist of course couldnt rule out relapse and so Thomas and I were fairly hysterical.

Then the rad onc called to tell us that he had seen the same lesions on my planning CT so there was nothing to worry about....and we calmed down...then the next day, the radiologist combed through the planning CT and announced that they were not there at planning....so they are new.


Diagnosis? Histoplasmosis? (fungal infection in the lungs...nice...)....We will do serology Monday and hope for antibodies and then fluconizole for 6 months...with a follow-up CT in 6 weeks. If there are no antibodies and the nodes grow we have to...biopsy. Hopefully that will not be necessary. I was told that they are 99.99% sure it is not lymphoma recurrence. All lesions but 1 are in the field of radiation and it would be an "impossibility".

The rad onc called back Thomas and sort-of apologized: "I really, really thought it was anxiety. I see that all of the time". Thomas responded "yah, well that really bit you in the ass, didnt it" meanie Sometimes I am just reminded of why I love Thomas so much meanie

Quite frankly, I have found the stress to be unbearable and I really am just no longer "in control" anymore when it comes to the kids. I hate that I have no patience or understanding anymore...I have screamed, called names Shocked , sworn...you name it...I feel like my crazy neighbor....really. I just dont know how to handle all of this fear and worry and stress anymore and then Andrew and Amanda add these pre-teen antics to the mix and Alex is running in and out of the house schlepping toads and dirt....I find myself constantly exploding and I dont know how to just relax and reign it all in. I am do disappointed in myself. This has turned out to be a terrible summer and I feel very strongly that it is mostly due to me and my inability to be....me. I have become a bad mother....and I dont know how to change it because the anxiety and stress levels are so high.

Dont laugh, but I am even considering homeschooling the kids just to have more time with them. I feel like such a failure this summer and I just desperately, desperately want to reconnect. I have no doubt though tha thomeschooling likely would not provide that connection for us. What am I going to do though? I hate that the schoolyear heaps on its own damned stress. I cant do more stress. I am quite honestly at my breaking point.

A huge part of the problem is indeed also crazy neighbor. Our babysitter called the police last time she was here again after said crazy neighbor stood on her porch smoking and screaming at my kids that I dont love them, dont care about them and she cant understand why a babysitter would even want to be around them. She then threatened my sitter and was screaming and swearing when the kids were on the street that they were stalking her and on her property....She then told the police that my daugther had beat up her daughter Rolling Eyes, that our sitter was smoking and swearing and they we were trespassing. For the love of Gawd almighty. bolt The only *good* thing to come out of this is that the neighbor who lives next to her on the other side approached me and asked if I was doing ok what with "crazy neighbor" and all. She basically told me she had seen all kinds of things and was so sorry for us. We had some other people over for a little mini-dinner party. They are colleagues of dh and also live in the neighborhood. They have been friends with crazy neighbors for 2 years and I was worried. Instead, they told us that they thought she is actively psychotic and have serious concerns and "we almost bought your house...we are so glad that we didnt."

Hey...it doesnt get quiet around here. What is up with that? I want to be bored...bored, bored, bored! I am ready to pack my bags and move into the country where I can be surrounded by deer and toads and friendly little field mice or something. meanie

I have also been busy getting the kids ready to go to TX...which has provided me with some entertaining emotional upheaveal....I was terrifeid of them flying and being so far away...but they left this am at 6.18 and apparently had a great flight. The ups and downs of trying to navigate a custody arrangement with my divorced parents nearly sent me to the psych ward this week. My dad didnt want to share once we agreed to let them come and he insisted that the only way that my mom would be allowed to see them was if I extended the kids trip...and on and on and on.....I nearly had a stroke over it all. Confused Then...he changed his mind, called my mom and gave her 2 days....and it was done. Rolling Eyes Embarassed

This week I hope to get the house clean, paint the laundry room and I might try Scarsdale for 1 week since I wont have to cook for anyone really except Thomas...and he can fend for himself meanie My weight loss is so frightfully slow that I am considering doing something to jumpstart it. It doesnt seem fair that I have cut my consumption down so dramatically and have seen such minimal results. Sure, I am losing about 2 pounds a week...but I am eating almost NOTHING.... Half the time I skip breakfast, I have a chicken salad for lunch and meat with veggie for dinner with no snacking. How can it be? Maybe I am just impatient though. I am an instant-gratification gal when it comes to dieting.

Anyway....I am really looking forward to a week of getting things done here and playing with Aidan and Zoe without having to chase after my pre-teens and my Toad-catcher.

Did I mention that Alex took a Toad with us in a teeny box to Kellys house? I dont know how the poor thing even survived the trip. I sent him to let it go at the park near her house and he said he had. At nearly midnight, Amanda came into my room and yelled "there is a toad in my bed". Sure enough...a toad! Sean had to watch me run out beside the house and let it go......

Ahhh...the Math family adventures.