October 25, 2006

I've been missing in action for awhile...I guess I'm just needing time to myself to contemplate this last year and find my center again. I don't feel depressed or upset...just a bit out-of-sorts.

Truth be told, it all started with the articles that came about our family. I haven't been able to really move past them, as odd as it sounds. In all honesty, I haven't ever read the articles from start to finish. Each time I start reading I get angry and flushed. I get angry about the pictures (particularly the one chosen for the front page on the first story), angry about what was revealed, angry about what I revealed, angry that the OB that delivered me wasn't mentioned, angry that things aren't portrayed the way that I would have portrayed them. I criticize the author's writing style, criticize myself for blogging and then sharing those particular exerpts with the journalist. Angry.

Hmmmm.

I saw my therapist right after the articles came out and she thought that they were good. Before she could even get the words out of her mouth though, I completely discounted the stories and expressed my outrage. Basically, she listened and then told me that her perception was different and that just maybe I was having to face some emotions that I hadn't allowed myself for this past year. She told me she kind of expected it....that I've been too "upbeat" about the whole thing.

Alright, I admit that there is truth to that. I bounced around here like nothing was wrong and just tried to keep moving forward. At one point, my dad yelled at me when he was here "Would you sto acting like everything is normal? Nothing is normal". I said "Would you prefer I go up and lay in bed with the blinds ulled? Would that make you feel better?"

The honest truth is that when you're going through a life-threatening illness, you can't allow yourself to be down. I made a choice to harness my positive energy and to move forward. I had moments of weakness and I was able to express my fear and sometimes my sadness when I blogged. It was enough for me. My positive attitude when I walked out of the front door every day helped me to survive. I would rather laugh than cry, joke than be serious, smile than frown. That's who I am most of the time now.

Those that know me in real life are aware of this.

So I guess I am slowly taking a peek at my feelings from this past year...and it is uncomfortable.

What's odd is that I recently saw a commercial about cancer and how 1 in 3 or 4 people has someone in their life close to them who has cancer or has fought it. I actually thought "we don't know anyone".

We don't KNOW anyone????

Earth to Kristen.

Obviously, denial has worked it's magic on me!

So...coming to terms with this last year is weighing on my mind.

The other thing bothering me also is related. This experience has had some rather profound effects on how I feel about myself, my happiness personally and professionally and what I will and won't tolerate in my own home now.

Thomas and I have locked horns now on many occasions becuase I simply won't tolerate certain behaviors. He can be impatient (very) especially with Andrew and I have pretty much laid down the law with this. I refuse to back down.

I am working very hard at being more kind, patient and attentive with the kids. You only live once....each day needs to count...and I've put dh on notice that live has changed and he had better get with the program. Obviously...there is some conflict.

I've also become forcused on my happiness...me...me,me,me. Sure, I've lamented my lack of career or lack of time/focus for myself and then swept in with the whole "sacrifices of motherhood" bit many times in the past. I've been a bit more open with some people about my real feelings, but for the most part I think that I just resigned myself to having my children and husband's happiness be the most important thing.

And that's over. I've decided that I will do something to carve my own professional niche...whatever that may be.

Pretty much, I've laid down the law with the kids too. I did it nicely, in a "you guys are growing up and becoming so responsible and I'm so proud of you" kind of a way...but....I've let them know that they will no longer come to the table and eat...then walk away leaving the mess for me to clean..that I won't be coming to their rooms to pick up dirty laundry...etc.

I let everyone know that I don't know for sure what will be happening, but that I'll likely be going back to school soon....

The kids were excited. "You deserve it, Mom", Andrew said.

Of course, a few days later we were in the van and the kids asked me what I wanted to study. I said that I didn't know and I asked them what they saw me as becoming...I got answers ranging from "you should become a firefighter to a 'talking doctor'". The only one who didn't pipe in with twenty different suggestions was Andrew. I finally turned back and said "what do you think, Andrew?". He said, "I think you should just be a mom. That's what I see you as....as a mom. You're a great mom. You're my mom."

I was stunned into silence. And nearly broke into hysterical sobs right there! Of course I love being a mom...I love my children dearly. I do not want to sacrifice any part of their happiness. But I also need to find a way to balance their happiness with my own.

How did it get to this point?

Little things.

The kids have told me on several occasions how lucky I am to not have to "work". "Your job is so easy, mom."

Gee, I'm glad that I make cleaning the house, cooking, putting away laundry, diapering babies, playing with toddlers, helping with homework and getting kids into bed look....effortless.

Then there is the old friend who had disappeared out of my life when I got sick last year and then reappeared with her post-partum depression. I took care of her, met with her almost daily to walk...and forgave the fact that because of what was going on in her own life she simply hadn't been able to be a part of my life last year. Water under the bridge.

After a couple of weeks, she went back to work. She was supposed to come over after her first 1/2 day. I cleaned up, made a pot of coffee and put out some snacks and waited....and waited...and waited. She never showed up and never called. It's been weeks and I never heard from her again. Typical, typical, typical....doctor. It has made me so sick of being the good dawkter's wife.

I'm always the afterthought and despite walking with them in the mornings, going to their pampered chef parties, etc I will always be just "Tom's wife".

Another friend who also disappeared rather suspiciously last year (with the "I know how you like your privacy" excuse) showed back up in full force a couple of months ago. She had lost her job and suddenly found herself in the 'unenviable role' of being a sahm. We've had some fun get-togethers and chats...but they almost always precede the "hey, can you watch my daughter for me tomorrow while I go on a job interview" thing. I know that she's not just using me for that....but it is hard to look past it sometimes.

Then there is the colleague from the U where I was working who badgered me all year last year to fix her website, teach her class etc while I was undergoing chemo etc. She tried to get me to do computer-related stuff for her while I was actually in the chair having chemo, visited me in the hospital to harrass me and after Zoe was born she started calling all around the hospital to "find me" saying "Hey, I'm stalking you...look, I know this is really crappy timing, but I realllllly need a favor".

I've avoided her for awhile.

She called me recently to tell me that she had a mass in her chest...she'd had a CT and had seen it herself and it was "at least 3x5 cm. I couldn't help but be concerned even though I still felt angry with her. It turned out that there was no mass....that there was a slight protrusion of the thyroid and the docs thought it was a thyroid goiter. She made it out to be the end of the world or something. They decided to biopsy it to be sure, but the doc was certain it was a goiter. So...I called her back after the biopsy on several occasions to find out if she was ok.

She never returned my call.

She had been annoyed that I had *snubbed* her when I was running back and forth to the NICU and was admitted for endometritis, blah, blah, blah....not just annoyed, but really angry. She didn't care that she had done nothing but use me and try and get me to do her work for her while I was at my sickest...it was all about her.

I am just beside myself that SHE is now avoiding ME.

My mom is coming tomorrow for a few days. Andrew has a part in the 6th grade play. (When I called him my little thespian he screamed "omg, that is disgusting, why did you say that"

). Then my mil is coming on Nov. 5th. We have compromised and she will only be staying 17 days. DH also took a week off.

I've let him know that I've already packed a bag for myself, Zoe and Aidan and that if he steps out of line with her here and doesn't back me up that I'm taking Kelly up on her gracious offer to host us.....

This time....he knows I mean it too.

To end this on a happy note...here's what I've been doing with my spare time lately: Until last week, our living room and entry were white walls and completely barren of any candles/pictures/decorating of any kind.

After a binge at TJ Max and a really careful paint job, here's the entryway: