It's been a hard couple of weeks....I'm not sure why. I'm just now starting to pick myself back up.

I really loved the build-up to the holidays this year. I strolled through shopping malls with a smile on my face, cried when it snowed , or when I thought about how the boys would react when they opened the wii, and I even invited people over for New Years. I worked on Andrew and Alex's quilts and got Mario done and Link *almost* done...pieced and pinned...just not quilted/sewn ...by Christmas.

But....

A lot of things dragged me down. At the sign of the first dusting of snow I burst into tears and couldn't stop. I remembered that I almost cancelled my dr's appointment last year because it was snowing so hard while I was driving there. Then the next day, after finding out that I had a tumor, I remember walking through the fresh snow holding hands with dh and feeling an odd somber stillness.

I took a gift and xmas card to my ob and to the oncology nurses right before Christmas. I started sweating when I got up to the OB clinic. I felt sick to my stomach and at first I didn't recognize that this was a stress reaction. I kept walking through the clinic until I got to the cancer center. As I wound through the hallways I realized that my heart was pounding in my chest....I was sweating and nauseated. I handed over my card and store bought cookies (ummm, yah, I had to throw out all of my baked goods...so I'm going to do something special for my cookie buddies this year that doesn't include...me actually baking something...I know, I know... )

Thomas dragged me down too. With the impending PET scan on Dec. 27th, he became angrier and more difficult. His anger was explosive and mean and we all began reacting to his outbursts. He has always had difficulty dealing with emotional stress, and this really sent him towards the edge. He was mean to the dog, to me, to the kids...it was lousy. We even talked about separating. It was...terrible.

In the middle of it all, my brother and my mom came to visit. My brother...well...he's 33, works temporary jobs...has long hair...wears black....you get the picture. I love him because he's my brother, but other than that...I have a very, very difficult time being around him. I found it stressful to have him around because he 1. knows everything and 2. I feel angry with him that he hasn't made more out of his life and still acts so much like a teen-ager.

My mom...well...again...I love her dearly...but...she just drove me crazy this visit. It started out on Christmas morning. I was really excited because I bought my mom a pda zire22. It's the cheapest that they make, but I figured that my mom isn't very tech-oriented and needed to start simple....plus...I didn't have the money for the next most expensive pda. I downloaded a ton of free medical software bundles onto CDs and wrapped them up separately as gifts from the kids. Santa gave her an extra stylus package and a carrying case for her PDA.

I was so excited.

She opened it and said "oh". "I already have one. You know that. I told you that."

So...the story unraveled that she basically bought a top-of-the line pda 3 YEARS ago for $350 plus an additiona $100 for a medical bundle and NEVER GOT the thing to WORK. NEVER. It is still sitting unused in her cupboard somewhere because she never got the product registration code. Supposedly, she emailed someone about it once, but "got busy" and forgot.

OK...come on. If I spent over $400 for something like that, I'd make sure I got it to work in the first hour I had it in my grubby little hands. So...she went on and on about "should I keep the pda you gave me" or "should I try and get the product registration code?" (ummm, good luck with that!). Then she went on about how she is going to ask for a refund

<------- I mean this in the most loving way possible, of course.

I pressed her about it later in the week and she basically made me feel like I had dementia or something since I didn't know she had one already.

In any case...she's going to return the one I got her...with all of the stuff that goes along with it.

I was really wound up tight before the PET scan and I didn't even realize it. After it was over, I called dh from my cell phone so that he'd check the results...they're pretty much read immediately and are on the electronic medical records system. I told him I was sitting in the van in the parking lot waiting for him to call me back. I waited an HOUR and played solitaire on my pda. He didn't call me back. I was afraid to call him then. I knew the results were in and that he would have called me back if it was ok. I started crying. I didn't know what to think...but I had to leave and take my brother out to the airport in Minneapolis.

Thomas finally called while he was on his way home and I was getting everything packed into the car to tell me the scan looked good. He hadn't called me earlier because...he couldn't force himself to go and look at the results. He was too afraid.

Finding out that the scan was clean was unbelievable to us both. For the first time in a year, I also allowed myself the thought that I wasn't going to die. I know that sounds silly, espeically to all of the onc spouses out there. 80% cure rate...those are good odds....but it's also a 20% chance of not being cured and....well...it's hard not to worry...it just IS....especially because Aidan and Zoe are so little.

I feel so emotional about this. Obviously, it's fabulous news. I feel like stones have literally fallen from my heart....and I'm also allowing myself to grieve a little for this last year. Thank God everything looks good. I feel so blessed.

We also had the computer issues that had to be straightened out and then I logged on here and saw all of the messages and I felt....like people were mad at me for not posting immediately. It's my problem...so I hope no one here will take it personally. I just started feeling like I couldn't keep up with everything anymore.

The computer story is interesting though. We have gotten intermittant web access for months now and at times our server has told us there is an IP conflict...we couldn't get online multiple times/day and our access was slow. My brother was convinced that our neighbors were stealing our internet because we didn't have a secure server. Before he left, he set up a secure server without, of course, letting us in on the passwords we needed to set it up from our computers

Since we have that squared away though, our internet access has been rippin' and we haven't had any downtime at all!

In any case, I don't mean to sound down-in-the dumps. The holidays were good despite all of the stress....the kids make it magical for me. I had a lot going on emotionally and with family issues, but I made a conserted effort to enjoy my decorations, the beautiful weather and the kids every single day.

Sometimes life can really throw us curve-balls....and it takes a lot of work to get things going in the right direction again.....I feel like 2007 is going to be a good year....

Happy New Year everyone!

kris