March 15, 2007

Amanda has been out of school all week....and it's been a really interesting experience...

I called her in sick on Monday and then talked to the vice-principal (whom I've been dealing with all along). I explained to her that Amanda wasn't sick but that I felt the situation between the girls had become so escalated that I really needed to pull Amanda out of it...that she was begging not to be sent back into the middle of it and I felt that i needed to really listen to her cry for help.

The vice principal......agreed. She told me that ordinarily, they don't allow parents to do this, but that she was going to go with me on this one and see how we can work things out.

I've been knock-myself-out busy all week. We start out out each day with German and then move on to Language Arts...I've had her doing a mixture of the work that they are sending from school and my own....writing assignments...So far, I've had her write from the teacher's perspective...about wanting to become a teacher and how it feels to have these "girl wars" happening in the classroom...how she feels as a teacher...as well as writing as one of the girls that has been so nasty to her....In that paper she's had to write about that girl's life and how that girl really feels. Today, she has to write a letter of apology and forgiveness to that child. I told her she won't have to give it to that girl, but...I'm hoping that...she'll want to eventually.

My goal is to get her to see everyone else's feelings and not just focus on her own hurt.

We've done a lot of science and have focused on....the cell...seeing as I have realized that not doing science in a couple of years has actually made me forget everything else...and holy cow...I even have had to look things up for her. Where is my brain? In any case, we pulled out the microscope and have looked at hair fibers, cheek cells, onion cells and some odds and ends. She has made a cell using a plastic bag, petroleum jelly and some bobbles and...made one out of construction paper.

I....am exhausted. EXHAUSTED, I tell you.

We're trying to keep up with her homework assignments for school and quite frankly, I'm blown away at the level of work that she has to do and how well the teachers have taught them to do it...there really is a serious method to their madness. I have a newfound respect...
Amanda's behavior has changed completely since being home. Yesterday, even Andrew said "what's up with Amanda, Mom...she's so...nice...it's weird!"

Yes, she is...so nice. It's amazing. There has been no sass, no out bursts, no sadness, no yelling...she has been...(I know I'm jinxing myself) delightful. The more work that I give her to do, the more she just says "what's next, mom".

She told Thomas last night that she never wants to go back to school. "Mom is a good teacher. School is boring. Please don't make me go back."

And...I'm torn on the issue. I'm a perfectionist...and I don't think I am giving her what she gets at school...I'm not kidding....the more I try and teach the more I realize that I don't know 1. what I'm talking about

and 2. how to do it. Who KNEW that I couldn't remember how to find the circumference of a circle (C=d * pi ... just fyi) AND that just explaining what a radius and diameter are and giving her the formula/practice problems would bore here nearly into falling out of her chair.

:huh:

I'm....a bad teacher.....

This is hard!

I have the full backing of the middle school, which is really interesting. I've been completely upfront and honest with the vice principal and she told me she's behind me 100%. The first time I brought in the work Amadna's been doing to show her what we were doing she said "Kris, you don't have to prove anything to me...really...I mean it!"...and she did mean it.

It made me feel...well....good. She knows that I have Amanda's best interests at heart and that we're doing everything we can.

I met with a therapist and discussed it on Wednesday and the therapist's take on it was that this is a toxic situation of abuse between the girls and the best course of action IS to remove Amanda from the situation if it can' t be adequately worked out.

Are we going to keep homeschooling for the rest of the year? Honest moment...I don't know what I want. I feel selfish, but..I miss being able to get online and read what's going on here (isukisukisukisuk) and there is a part of me that kind of hopes that Amanda *gets* how much I love her and am willing to do for her and will want to go back to school on Monday(isukisukisukisuk).

At the same time, I'm enjoying our time together....I feel in a way that it is sort of healing for us both....I don't know what the right thing to do is...we have to decide by Monday....I don't want to be selfish...I want to do the right thing...

I'm feeling more even keel emotionally lately (which is a good thing!). My hormones are totally out of wack (2 periods in 3 weeks...sorry for the TMI) and I think that that really has kind of thrown me emotionally for a loop!

To top it off, my crazy neighbor's daughter's friends were talking yesterday at lunch and Andrew overheard that they are moving back. :thud: I'm hoping that this is just a rumor....Andrew broke it to me this morning and I admit feeling proccupied with the thought all day.

I had a horrible dream 3 weeks ago that her kids were standing in my kitchen and she had run screaming into her house and I actually *gulp* called her that morning once I got the kids off to school and sorted....I HAD to make sure she was staying there. She seemed sort of on the fence about her new life and said that as of April 1, they would be paying nearly $6000/mo for 2 mortgages and he's only earning 90,000 ....her kids were having terrible adjustment issues and her 7 year old child with the behavioral problems that had been hospitalized (psych) before they
moved had been running through the neighborhood screaming at his dad "you bitch, you a$$hole".

She thought it was funny...and that just really gets to me.

I realized at that moment that I'd finally found closure.....I was done with her...I could let go. I have not thought about her since then really and feel myself slowly unwinding. DH said "if she comes back, we' treat her like the crazy person that she is". Easy for him to say.

I hope...that this is all untrue....but I had this *feeling* from the very beginning. There house is still vacant and they never have showings...when we had the snow, there driveway had 3 feet of snow piled up in it for about 10 days until a neighbor used his snowblower to get rid of it....there was no way that they could have had a showing.

They have had a couple of people show up for open house, but the people leave pretty quickly.....

Who knows..........

Anyway...here are a couple of other pics of the kiddos:

Zoe enjoying a yummy snack (she's such a pig

)