A year ago today, I was getting ready to go in for another of my twice weekly ultrasounds. I had just started my 33rd week of pregnancy. My mom had arrived to help me before Zoe was born and I was complaining about having to go in for yet another ultrasound appointment....it felt like every time I went in they found something....and I argued that I was just not going to go back to see the doctor until my 36th week when we had to deliver early so that I could start radiation.

During the appointment, they discovered that my amniotic fluid was 3.o. It had been a week since my last chemotherapy and I was just bottoming out. I was sent in to see the doctor who informed me that I needed to drive directly to the hospital. I was not to drive home...not to go anywhere...I needed to be admitted and the baby would be delivered in a few hours when he was finished with clinic.

I decided that it couldn't be too urgent because I had heard it all before...the panic, the upset...and it was always a false alarm. So being the dutiful patient that I was, I headed over to Crafts Direct to get more thread to work on Zoe's blanket that I was cross-stitching. After all, I knew that I would be in the hospital for 3 days following a c-section and I wanted the chance to work on it. Also, I think I had convinced myself that it wasn't really going to happen. I had been admitted at around 27 weeks and had spent the week waiting to have her...and it had also been a false alarm.

As I walked through the store I noticed that I was leaking fluid. I paid and headed home as fast as I could because I knew that my mom would need the van. By the time I got home, I was passing old blood and tissue...I was literally gripped with terror. How could I have NOT gone in to the hospital just as I had been told.

Until I was admitted and the tests confirmed that the baby was ok, I was convinced that I had lost her.

April 17, 2006:

Waiting for the doctor to come in to take me to the OR. My face is bloated from all of the predinisone...my hair...a victim of the chemo.....This is what it came down to in the end....me at my most vulnerable...my face swollen, mouth sores, sores on my tongue...:


Zoe Christine Math was born sometime right around 3pm....


Our miracle....the baby that we didn't know would be ours:



And already it has been a year. All day today I agonized over the details of this same day last year...played back old tapes in my mind and tried to capture each moment over again....

Today...she is 1 year old. Happy Birthday, baby girl.....




First, we went to see the doctor who delivered her....


Then we headed over to the NICU to drop off chocolates for the nurses and new preemie clothes for a needy mom. Zoe got to see her doctor and some of the nurses...they were all very happy to see her looking so good...and were thrilled with my curly hair!

Here she is standing in front of the NICU:


A reunion with old friends...

Then we went to Alex's Choir Concert....




Alex stepped up as the narrator for "Pizza Pizza Daddy-O" and made us all proud with his singing and dancing. The second graders ended with "Puff The Magic Dragon"....and I choked back the tears.....It was a hard day for me...visiting with my OB...being back up at the NICU after so much time. It brought back a flood of feelings that I hadn't anticipated...and I didn't really know what to do with them.

After the concert, we carried on our family tradition of Space Aliens...












Then home we went...but before bed...Zoe and Mommy 1 year later...



And today...I also finally finished the blanket that I started for Zoe the day that I began my first chemo....it was a symbolic gesture of closure....we have survived....life goes on.....





A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant's rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened Jackie Paper came no more
and Puff that Mighty Dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave
So Puff that Mighty Dragon silently slipped into his cave.

Life...is one hell of a journey. Hold onto each other and enjoy the ride.....[/quote]