We are finally entering the final week of my mil's visit. I admit that I have a lot of mixed feelings about how this particular visit has gone. It has been a real struggle for me to maintain a positive attitude, and quite frankly, I haven't been able to do it this time. We have had several smaller *disagreements* and one larger one where I really let go of my sanity. I'll spare everyone the details of my most recent temper-tantrum. I'm sure that the legendary tale of my behavior will be echoing through all of the little German town in about a week.
Sadly, I really didn't put my best foot forward for most of this visit, which is different than how I usually conduct myself. I was upset about her visit before she even arrived because of the fact that it was booked for a month and intersected with the end of the school year etc. It is difficult to have a houseguest for an extended period of time, and I don't understand the logic that because the ticket is expensive, she should stay as long as possible so that it is *worth it*. It isn't worth it when everyone feels unhappy...and with everyone, I include her. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for a 66 year old woman to come and live with a family that is very different from her own....with different values and problems. She has walked into a situation that she can't escape from for a month and she doesn't have anyone to talk to besides us....which makes things very difficult for her...and for us. To top it off, Thomas and I have been struggling with our own issues and unhappiness this past year and we aren't really in a place to...play host....right now. We have 5 busy kids who are sometimes fabulous and sometimes downright terrors...and that's just the reality of our life. Our lives aren't always organized or tied up into a neat little package....with a family of 7 comes chaos. It's just part of the deal.

My mil had a hard life and she has come to terms with her life by organizing and cleaning. It is what she does. It is who she is. She copes with the disorganization around her by decluttering, arranging, sanitizing and scrubbing... and I believe that she also enjoys it. I understand her and I respect that this is how she copes with her life and her feelings.

My life has been difficult too. I didn't grow up in post WW-II Germany, but I have had my share of hard knocks that are also not insignifcant. I cope with those experiences and my life in general by throwing myself into gardening, craft projects and scrapbooking. I don't always finish what I start, I have several projects going on at one time and...I'm disorganized.....but it is how I find peace and happiness in my own life.

And right now, I am really searching to redefine who I am and what my *center of gravity* really is. I am needing a lot of alone time to sort through my feelings about my life and how I want to live. I am in desperate need of solitude and affirmations and instead right now, I am living in an environment of criticism and negative comparison.

I know that my sil is a fabulous cook because I've heard it over and over again...After seeing pics of easter egg coloring in our house this year, my mil shared with me that my sil had saved onion peels all year to dye eggs naturally. She had come over and they had attached daisies to plain eggs...then boiled them in the onion water and removed the daisies to have "eggs that were just almost too beautiful to eat".

Saving onion peels for a year to boil them to make a natural coloring for hardboiled eggs? Seriously, how can I ever compete with that? I can't....and I don't want to. I have 5 children. They'll just have to live with the little tablets that dissolve in vinegar.

The comparisons though already set up an artificial distance between my sil and I though.

I have listened to weeks of how everyone else raises their children and what they wouldn't allow. I've not actually heard a compliment about any of my children...just the negative....and it is really unfortunate. I know that she loves our children and that she loves us...but it would be nice to hear the good from time-to-time. We all need to feel loved and nurtured.

I do a fair amount of sewing and my biggest source of sewing pride this year was finishing the quilt I started for Zoe when she and I began our chemo together. My mil had visited before I had finished it and had kind of poo-pooed it. "Why did you start this? You will never finish it...just don't bother"....When I showed her the finished product and the fun Link and Mario blankets that I made for the kids I didn't even get a nod of the head over them....but she has gone on about how talented one of her younger friends is and how she taught herself to sew and makes the most lovely costumes for her children. Of course she had to launch into that story because I told her how much Aidan enjoys wearing different costumes each day and how I get them at the second hand store.

No matter how hard I try, I can't win...and I think this visit I decided that because I can't win...I won't try.

But that isn't working either because I feel very badly about how I've behaved. I have lashed out at everyone, but especially Thomas. I have allowed myself to be miserable and negative and angry...and I don't feel good about myself.

At the same time...my husband and mil share in the responsibility here.

I told dh last night that we have to cut back to 2-week visits...even if that means she comes 3 times a year for shorter stints instead of 2 tmes/year for a long time. Ultimately, I want to be able to enjoy the time with her and...I want her to have fun. She deserves to have a relationship with her grandchildren and Thomas... We'll just have to find a way to work it all out.[/quote]