The summer between my junior and senior year of highschool, I agreed to be a *nanny* for the family that I had babysat for all year. I loved the two little boys and for the first two weeks, things went really well. Then, the mom and her sister asked if I would babysit for an entire weekend while they went on a girl's retreat. I readily agreed...imagining how I would spend the whopping $100 that I would earn for babysitting 4 children for 3 days and 2 nights.

The first night was fun...but after that, it became more and more of a challenge. By the end of the weekend, I was absolutely spent. I quit my nanny job within an hour of coming home from my babysitting marathon and to make matters worse...the $100 check that I received bounced....twice.....

I happily got a job framing pictures as a local frame shop and babysat occasionally on weekends.

"It is," I figured "easier to manage when you are watching your own children and you have an emotional investment."



Fast forward to this morning. I was exhausted. Zoe didn't fall asleep last night until late and then she slept restlessly. I woke up to take her to physical therapy feeling like I hadn't slept all night....and wishing I could just hit the snooze button and sneak in another hour or two....Instead, I headed out the door and woke Thomas as I left, "don't forget to take Aidan to soccer.". This is his morning to do the soccer dad thing because of the time conflict with physical therapy. I got back and the morning breakfast routine started...little kids first...big kids next...and no sooner did I have the kitchen cleaned up when it was already time for Zoe (who was exhausting me with her whining and crying) to have lunch. Despite the fact that my cleaning lady came on Monday, and...I had finished the job yesterday evening by cleaning out drawers and cupboards, the kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off in it. And....to add insult to injury, the laundry (5 loads of it) that I had washed, dried and so meticulously folded) was all laying toppled over and spread out across the living room floor thanks to my 3 year old.

sigh.

The doorbell rang. My cleaning lady had come for her check. She had to step over the mess.

fabulous.

Zoe was crying in her highchair and I got her settled with food, fed Aidan and managed to start getting the kitchen cleaned up....when I noticed that finally...Zoe was looking like she would fall asleep. I carried her upstairs and for the first time.....ever...she laid down in her crib without complaining, took her bottle and drifted off into sleep. I couldn't believe my luck. Usually, any semblance of naptime has to happen in the car where she falls asleep without realizing that she is...or else a lot of screaming and crying is involved.

I tiptoed downstairs and looked at the kitchen. Hmmmm....catch up on my blogs or....clean the kitchen. Hmmmmmm. I opted for the obvious....I uploaded pictures and started to take some time for me.

Here is where we stop and insert laughing hysterically smileys..... Lest you think that I was actually able to sit down on my sofa with my lovely new laptop and sip mid-day margaritas while I ate bon bons and played online, let me paint you a picture of what really happened.

I sat down and pulled my laptop up onto the sofa and noticed two figures sneaking down the stairs. My daughter had invited a friend over without asking me and they had changed into their swimming suits and were heading out the door. I decided to address it later out of desperation for a moment to myself before cleaning the kitchen....I turned my attention back to the photos in my camera and tried to get them uploaded. My new laptop has different software installed and so this isn't as straightfoward to me as it used to be.

My 12 year old sauntered over and kicked his feet up onto the last remaining vestages of folded clothing to complain about how bored he was.....my 8 year old got into the refrigerator and made himself yet another bowl of cereal...and then I heard a crash....My daughter and her friend had come back into the house and were sneaking in the kitchen and they knocked over and broke a glass on the floor. To say I was getting impatient at this point is an understatement. I just wanted to upload my pictures and catch up on my blogs...is it too much to ask? The phone rang and Andrew's friend's mom said she was on her way to pick Andrew up. I let him know and then asked Amanda to clean up her mess....at which point I heard hysterical shrieks from both girls (who tend to exaagerate about well.....everything). "Amanda is bleeding all over the floor".

damnit.

The doorbell rang. It was the mom to pick up Andrew who still had not put on his socks or shoes and was dilly-dallying about coming downstairs and leaving. I knew I should have voted for the "clean the kitchen" option instead of loading the pictures, but I was just so desperate for a few minutes for ME. I invited the mom in and the girls continued to carry on about Amanda's bloody foot.

I couldn't hide my irritation.

The mom and I walked into my bomb of a kitchen only to discover pools of blood all over. To say this mom was shocked would not be doing the description of her any justice...but I have to admit being pretty surprised too. The cut on Amanda's foot just wasn't that big or that deep.....I can't imagine why she bled so much.

While we waited for Andrew though, the mom and I cleaned the glass up off of my floor.

Crazy neighbor does NOT have to move back from TX. I have effectively replaced her.

It's been a long week! My dad came up for a surprise Father's Day weekend visit to watch Andrew march in the marching band and spend Father's day with us.




It was great to have him here, but it certainly added another kink to the already overloaded schedule of things to do when I had to get him back to the aiport Monday afternoon. After a loooong day of driving (a total of about 4 hours) I arrived back at the house. Within 2 hours, I was back on the road again...this time to the emergency room. Andrew was riding his bike and hit a pole with his left arm...then fell off of his bike and slammed is left arm onto the cement.

The verdict?

Broken.



So his last week of summer marching band will be punctuated by him marching without an instrument. He can't play video games or even play on the computer really right now. Since Monday, I think I have heard "I'm bored" about 500 times. I can't wait until he gets his permanent cast on Thursday so that he will hopefully be more comfortable. Hopefully, he can have a waterproof one.....

ugh.

We also had a professional home inspection of our kitchen repair job done. We have been very dissatisfied with it because it is obvious that there was damage. The repair was poorly done. Beyond the fact that it looks bad, the floor by the stove and fridge squeaks terribly when you walk over it.

Inspectors opinion? Floor must be repaired...it is a liability to our home.

So besides broken arms we are also dealing with the former contracters, our home insurance that initially paid for the repairs and our frazzled nerves.

The rollercoaster ride continues with my tween daughter....one day I am the "worst mother in the world" and I "ruin her life" and "ruin this family's happiness".

sigh.

The next day I'm golden....for at least part of the day anyway.

Since I have nothing but long expanses of time in front of me each day, I find myself going back through the years to figure out where I have failed...was it the post-partum depression, dh's residency and fellowship...is it because I spent too much time online when she was little because I was so lonely and frustrated? All of the above, I'm sure...but it does me no good to go back and relive it all and beat myself up for not being that paradigm of perfection that June Cleaver pioneered. It is what it is. Each day I vow to put a new foot forward and each day I am greeted with the sass and pouting that I am slowly learning is simply the norm for girls her age.

Alex has been attending KidStop two full days each week. It didn't take long this summer for him to wear me down into signing him up. He misses his friends from school and our schedules are just so crazy here at home that I really can't have one of his buddies over for an all day playdate. I'm just too busy.....and truthfully...I'm just too overwhelmed. I can handle the older children having friends over because they are big enough to self-regulate and for the most part I don't have to intervene, make snacks etc..... Alex has a fabulous time at KidStop. All of his friends are there and he rotates throgh activities every 45 minutes....there is soccer, basketball, stratego, bingo, checkers, and the coveted "drip, drip, splash" for him to do....when I come to pick him up at 5.30, he begs for another 15 minutes.

I'm really not sure of what to think about that. Here I am, a sahm, and my 8 year old is so much happier being at KidStop. I don't blame him though. There are so many scheduled outings and fun things to do...if I were a kid, I would want to go to KidStop! There are always friends to play with and there is such a wide variety of things to do. Alex is such an easy-going, friendly kid...the director of KidStop stopped me the other day to tell me how happy she was that he was joining the summer KidStop because he is so happy and friendly and he plays with so many different children.

It all leaves me wondering what on earth I was thinking way back when when I was embracing the "I am my kid's mom" movement. < Come on...you know what I'm talking about....that old black and white assertion that in order to be a "good" mom you have to eat, sleep and breathe your children...that taking care of yourself is tantamount to child abuse...that if you want to work or have a life outside of your home you shouldn't have had children.

sigh.

What's up with how extreme we are about everything? Is there really no middle ground?

I bought into that mentality for a long time, because I wanted to be the best mom that I could possibly be. I tried desperately to ignore my own needs that nagged me awake in the middle of the night...then I felt frightfully guilty for taking a class a semester or working part-part-time. How dare I have....wants or needs that didn't involve taking care of my little ones.

What's funny about that is that when I quit my two-morning-a-week teaching job a few years ago because it was becoming too much to handle both the job and family, the people that were most upset about it were my children...my oldest daughter (then 8) in particular. "So you aren't going to be a teacher anymore, mom? But I like you being a teacher."

My mom worked full-time for most of the time that I was growing up. I *survived* all kinds of childcare options and really...I had a great time. I never resented my mom for working or felt that she was abandoning or neglecting me. I was proud of her....I still am proud of all that she has accomplished.

When I look at myself though, I see someone who has really let herself go. I am 37 years old and I recently realized that in 13 years, I'll be 50. FIFTY. Now, I know that I'm ahead of myself, but I have to say that the 13 years since I got pregnant with Andrew have absolutely flown by. Some people my age are feeling that biological clock go tick-tock and are panicking that they need to to make a decision about having children. For me, the issue is career. tick tock. tick tock.

What does that have to do with my summer so far? Nothing. And Everything.

I guess I just have realized that my children would have grown up and been happy if I had been sending them to KidStop all along. Maybe they would even be happier because they wouldn't have had to be around my.....unhappiness or depression at feeling lonely and at times...well...resentful for what I gave up. Don't get me wrong...I love my children fiercely and wouldn't change a thing about having our big family if I had the chance to go back and do it over...I just might have....added a little more balance to my own life earlier....without feeling guilty...without rushing around to do things as quickly as possible in order to limit how long my children were away from me....I would have focused more on creating happiness for myself instead of working so hard (and failing) to be something that I am not.

I really have struggled to find happiness for years and I have often wondered what on earth is wrong with me that I can't simply settle down and embrace my life. I am truly blessed and I really love being a mom.

DH summed it up for me the other day beautifully though....."If I had to do what you do every day, I would run away....and never look back". I know what he means. My days are very lonely.....Andrew and Amanda are now off doing their own things most of the day..which, btw, is not how I intended our "family summer" to be. Alex is happy with KidStop or playing outside looking for turtles, toads and insects....and Aidan and Zoe are needy, needy, needy. There is no one to talk to.....and my big decisions are usually "can I throw in a load of laundry before I take the kids to x, y or z... Many days go by and the only conversation I have had is an argument with my tween daughter (and I'm sure that she has plenty more arguments saved up for later!).

I am torn. I want to be here for these times. I want to watch my children enjoy their summer. I love watching them swim, play and have fun!









I just also need to find a way to build some of that fun into my own life too. I wouldn't want to miss out on these memories for the world...but...is there a frame shop hiring?[/quote]