This morning, I got up early, made myself a pot of coffee and sat down at the computer to do some writing. Thomas had the day off and the kids finished German Camp at 6pm, so I wanted to take a few minutes to myself. At 8.30am, the doorbell rang. I was in my PJ's, so I snuck into the laundry room, threw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt and opened the door.

It was the floor guys. We were told that they would start doing the floors on Monday. Apparently, they decided to rip out all of our floors today though and forgot to tell us. They basically told me that they would be back in 30 minutes and that I need to clear out the kitchen/dining area, living room and Thomas' office. I woke up Thomas and we got to work moving furniture and clearing out rooms as fast as we could. Well, I say we, but...I moved the piano myself, both big book cases and got both sofas to the garage all on my own....while....he cleared out the mountain of books from his bookshelves and pulled the papers out of his desk drawers. To be fair though, he did help get the kitchen table out onto the deck.

It was really an exhausting experience.

The floor people returned 30 minutes later and started tearing out flooring. It was a huge struggle to keep Aidan and Zoe out of their way. We tried going upstairs with them, but Aidan was so curious about all of the work going on that he kept sneaking down the stairs. After calling the pet spa to get the dog baorded early, we decided to leave with the kids and go out to lunch.

Instead of enjoying ourselves though, the conversation went something like this:

Thomas: "Why don't you ever finish what you start? You were going to do so many things this week. What did you actually accomplish?"

Me: Are you kidding me? I put in all of the bushes, spread out 30 bags of mulch, cleaned up the back garden, replanted in the front garden.... I completely cleaned out both the van and the garage...and I almost finished repainting the boys' room.

Thomas: Yah, "almost"...Almost isn't finished. Why do you start so many different projects that you don't finish? Living with you is terrible!

Me: What did YOU accomplish this week? Are you seriously freaking out like this because I didn't get the laundry folded? I worked my ass off taking care of the kids and doing the landscaping. I was able to work outside with the kids because they got to play too...I couldn't paint with them in the room. It was hard to get things finished in the house with them because I didn't have Andrew, Amanda or Alex to help out. What did YOU do though? Please...share your list....

Thomas: I WORKED.

Me: I WORKED TOO.

Thomas: No you didn't. You love doing landscaping. It's fun to you. That is not work. My work brings in money.

Me: Are you KIDDING ME? Are you trying to tell me that carrying 30 pound bags of sand, 30 bags of mulch, spreading them, digging holes for trees and bushes isn't work? I have added monetary value to this house. They call it sweat equity. You enjoy treating patients and solving complex problems...does this mean that you didn't work all week either?

Thomas: Shut Up.

Translation: I won. Ahhhh, we do so well under stress!

But it brings me to my second topic:

The lack of appreciation that I am shown for what I do. I feel like I give endlessly but that no one really gives back...if that makes sense. This has definitely contributed to my unhappiness as a sahm. During the school year, I get up earlier than DH to get the kids out the door to school and I spent all day taking care of Aidan and Zoe and I feel like I rarely get a break. In the summer, the kids are there all of the time. I love being here for them, but at the same time, I am so busy running them to activities, picking up their friends or dropping them off places that I don't even have time to get online and catch up on emails or private messages. I haven't been able to work on MDFamily or do much writing. I feel like I've been tipped off center.

I so desperately crave some professional satisfaction for myself. It isn't because I don't love my children. I adore them. I love being a mom. But...I don't believe that being a mom means that I have to give up who I am. I used to believe that...but I don't anymore.

I decided to pursue the University job that I discovered had been posted. I called the professor that I started with years ago. He is now the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences. Today he called me back and said "Kris, this is the position that you and I created together". He then went on to say that he was unsure of whether or not he could serve as a reference for me because he makes the ultimate decision about who gets hired....but...he said that he was going go look into being allowed to do it anyway and call me back. The professor that I worked for contacted me and said I could use him as a reference too.

It is a real possibility that if I apply for this position that I could.....get it.....which.....is both exciting and scarey at the same time.

The problem? I don't know if I can leave Aidan and Zoe. I think Aidan would have a blast, actually. He is already going to go to 5 day a week preschool in the Fall and extending the day wouldn't be terribly traumatic for him. He is really ready, I think. But Zoe? She is just....a baby....At 16 months, she is the little princess that follows me through the house all day long....the idea of not being there for her all of the time breaks my heart....and yet....I'm also unhappy more often than I'm willing to admit because I'm so lonely and...I get no time at all for me.

I am so conflicted.

Though the position is listed as full-time, I feel fairly confident that it wouldn't be a 40 hour/week full-time.......

Thomas has told me that if I don't apply, I can never complain again about having a career. He insists that since his mornings are more flexible that he'll drop off Andrew and Aidan. My friends, who I thought would support my "maybe I shouldn't apply..this really isn't the right time" have said "Of course you are going to apply".



In the midst of all of these thoughts swirling around in my head, and in the aftermath of our morning of stress, we picked up the kids from German camp. After the activities, we got into the van to head home....and they fought, screamed and yelled at each other the whole way home. Amanda scratched Alex, Alex cried hysterically, Andrew and Amanda picked on each other......to me, it was like being thrown into a bucket of ice water after spending a week in a lovely sauna.

Trust me when I say that I didn't win the mom of the year award today.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better though. I think I just need a good night's sleep.[/quote]