I've decided not to apply for the job.

There. I have said it out loud.

Since this job was posted, I've drooled over it, daydreamed about it and even had dreams where I was back in the classroom and lab. It felt right....and....it felt wrong. I know that doesn't make sense, but even though this is a position that I helped create several years ago (and I worked hard)...I know what saying yes would mean for me...and for my family.

I would spend countless hours planning lectures, grading papers and thinking about students. I would use my free time to work on lab manuals, try out new labs and generally speaking obsess about how much there is to know that I don't...so I would end up putting together a study plan for myself and I would likely sit in on lectures in the chemistry department.....again.

I know this because I am compulsive...and even though my house is a complete disaster area I can't explain why I'm so detail oriented at work...but I am.

This was part of my problem last time and I was only working part-time hours on-campus (though granted, I was trying to do a full-time job in those hours)..I was spending most of my hours away from work thinking about my students or the TAs or the labs. I did sit in on chem classes and....I did come in on weekends when I could have been home with the family to run labs, gather results, tweak solutions and try again. I'd make a great surgeon! :>

It was fun....more fun than loading the dishwasher...more fun that vacuuming the house...more fun that listening to the kids fight....but...I also remember the incredible feeling of relief that I had when I told the professor in charge of the main class that I would not be returning in the Fall a few years ago. Thomas was surprised...but I was literally elated after I told the professor and then got into my car.

Why relief?

No more running out the door before the kids were all on the bus or at preschool. Thomas stepped up to the plate and did fine...but it was stressful. No more daycare for Aidan, who at the time that I left was younger than Zoe. NO more grading papers, whining students who cared more about the grade than the learning...and no more department politics.

I do miss the job. If my life were different, I think it would be a great fit for me....but...my life isn't different.

This is the first time that I have made a significant decision about my career that has really been my choice. Thomas was 100% behind me. He was willing to do all morning drop-offs so that I could be at work in the morning and he was willing to get a nanny. This time...my choice is not dictated by his medical training, or his career needs....it is me.

This really has not been an easy decision for me either. I enjoyed the social contacts that I made in the department, loved learning how to teach (once I got past being terrified and staying up all night before my lectures to practice again and again and again). I feel really sad. I recognize that this job will be filled and likely will not become available again anytime soon.....but I am still closing this door with the hope that a window will open up somewhere. I am going to have to do something this Fall so that I can take some time for myself...but maybe I will just take a single class or hire a sitter twice a week to go write at Barnes and Nobles for a few hours.

Right now, I don't know how much Andrew and Amanda really *need* me...but...I need them. Yes, they could go to kidstop or I could hire a nanny...but after everything we've been through over the last few years, I have a need to be a part of their lives...even though I'm imperfect as a mom and despite the fact that some days I'm impatient and irritable. I want to be there not because I think that it is the best thing for them. Selfishly....it is the best thing for me. Wow.

Alex .... he has been begging me for some *special time* lately....and we've been so busy...and I've been so distracted....that even after he had asked me to spend some time with him I ended up talking him into going to KidStop so that I could take Andrew and Amanda across town to an activity with their friends and Aidan to the park. When I dropped him off, I didn't even realize how he felt...and then he just looked at me and said "you can just pick me up anytime, mom...I'll stay late. Just have a good day.". I am not meeting his needs right now. I took the older kids to their activities and had time to take Aidan and Zoe to the park while we waited before having to pick them up. I realized that I had taken Alex there because it was convenient for me...and he...he had realized it and he even tried to protect my feelings.

Zoe and Aidan ... they need me. Lately, I've been way too grouchy. Zoe didn't even want to come to me tonight after Thomas got home because I had been so irritable with her all day. I was too busy trying to do things that I wanted to do instead of paying attention to her...and she had sat on the floor next to me and cried. When we were all talking about the possibility of me going back to work in the Fall, Aidan made it clear that he didn't want to go to daycare. "But mom. You will pick me up late and I will be afraid. I just want to love you."

Oh honey..I just want to love you too......and I do....[/quote]