I've been such a jerk lately....both here online and at home in real life. I feel badly because I know I have alienated people. It has been a really long time since I have been in such a negative space and maintained it for this long......

It wasn't really our guests from the UK that set me off....(though it didn't help one bit)....Before they arrived, I started having some weird dizzy spells. I would be walking and realizing that I felt like I was tipping over to the right. I'm sure it was some kind of benign vertigo......because it eventually got better.....but in the back of my mind I was thinking "my God....I've had a rare CNS relapse". I know, I know...I should be over this. I AM over this. And yet I'm not. I have my 2 year since diagnosis check a little early at the end of Oct or beginning of Nov....at which point I will have a clean PET and they will say "for all practical purposes you are cured.". Statistically speaking...that is what is going to happen and I KNOW that...rationally. My heart is just slow to catch up.

The last week of our guests visit was punctuated by the stomach pains...which led to the ER trip...and in the back of my mind I had the "my god...what if it isn't my gall bladder." The clean x-ray relieved my mind until I realized that I had 2 clean x-rays when I was symptomatic before the bugger finally showed up.

The gall bladder issue subsided in time for me to get some sort of pinched nerve in my neck causing me headaches every day ....I am gobbling tylenol and will probably ruin my liver.

Of COURSE it is muscular...and yet I remember having a terrible shoulder ache/headache over Thanksgiving right before I was diagnosed...

Oh. My. Gawd.

I can't get over it.

I'm afraid that no one will understand me. I have days where I feel like I just can't even come back here to the iMSN because I feel that you all think that I should just be over it. I SHOULD. Why am I struggling right now? For the love of all that is holy...it is OVER.

But I feel so vulnerable.

My God...bad things happen every day to real people. Moms with little children really do die. It is horrible. Awful. It makes me so sad I feel like crying just writing about it.

This has all been punctuated by a few things.....Our new neighbor that moved across the street came over a few weeks ago into my backyard and then informed me that she "knew me" and had "taken care of me" (she is a nurse) when I was in the hospital. "You were very sick." "yes, I was." "You had cancer" "Yes, but everything is fine now."

changethesubjectchangethesubjectchangethesubject

Friday, Alex had a friend come over to play. His mom and I had chatted at the parent curriculum night and we really hit it off.

She called me back on Thurs. night "Kris, I feel so bad. I....knew you and I forgot all about it."

"Oh, please don't make me feel bad. Did we meet? I don't remember."

"Jarret and Alex were in 1st grade together" (gag, here it comes) "I did Alex' reading with him and I stayed with him after school if Elizabeth had a meeting and you were in the hospital/sick"
"Oh" (awkward as hell moment) "Thanks so much for all that you did"

(can I move now?)

The dad came and picked Jarret up.

"It's so great to see you again, Kris. You look so different with hair. I just remember you wearing that do-rag".

Ummm, what is a do-rag and why do people HAVE to keep bringing this up?

whywhywhywhy

Kelly, did I look that bad??????????????? I feel embarrassed.

"Do you remember that I was there a lot at lunchtime?"

"I'm sorry. I just don't remember. It was really an overwhelming time. I am so thankful for everything that you and your wife did to help us and I'm so glad that the boys could reconnect this year."

He looked disappointed. I just wanted him to leave...but he just wanted to stay and talk and marvel at Zoe.

I cried after he left.

It's over...can we all move ON?!

Can I move on? Can I ever stop being nervous or afraid...or feeling vulnerable? Everytime my children struggle I wonder "what if"...I know that Thomas would do the best that he could without me...but it wouldn't be enough. He isn't patient enough...he would trust the schools to take care of the issues....He would love them....but not be...me.

I find that I can't be *nice* to Thomas. Actually, I'm pretty unfriendly a lot of the time. I hate that I'm unable to just relax....and so a lot of nights he ends up downstairs watching tv by himself while I lay upstairs in bed and watch HGTV. Then I worry that we're growing apart...and that our marriage won't survive.

We've talked about it and he understands. He has the same fears even though we both totally know it's irrational. The chances of any kind of recurrence this far out are minimal....but what were the chances of getting that lymphoma while pregnant? That was pretty minimal too.

Why am I grieving all of this now? I don't know. I listen to Stevie Nicks and then the Dixie Chicks sing Landslide on repeat all day long.

Please forgive me for my rudeness lately. I promise to reign it in...and get myself together. I know that my stress is no excuse for lashing out...I am working on it...

Kris[/quote]