Wow. It's been nearly two weeks since I last updated. I just can't find the time to get online and catch up with everyone lately...and my brother downloaded poker software to my laptop that has caused the computer to run at 80% physical memory (and sometimes more :badday: ).

The end of the holidays has meant...a return to the drive-a-thon otherwise known as "cart everyone to their respective schools" I can honestly say that having nearly two weeks off from the daily driving has made it much harder to get back into the swing of things.

The truth is that this is not sustainable over the long-term. Thomas and I have already conceded that if Amanda is able to continue to keep her grades up that she will be able to return to the public middle school next year. :huh: I think this school has served its' purpose well. She went from being on the bottom to making A's and B's (with a C in phys ed). Yeah, mid-terms!

We are also all in a slump. Andrew is constantly giving me his "I hate you for sending me to this new school" speech because he still doesn't have friends that he feels close to at the middle school. This has worsened as the school year has dragged on. sigh. Amanda harps about the catholic school every day: "I hate you too". Then they fight with each other. Frankly, I feel deflated. Instead of enjoying the time that I spend with them in the car (for endless hours each day) I want to just drop them off at the nearest greyhound bus stop and drive off as fast as I can. Obviously that isn't an option.

Things are just way too busy here...homework, kung fu, bathtime, bedtime, blah, blah, blah and we're about to add indoor soccer to the mix again. I seem to have lost myself in the process of taking care of everyone else. I got a new babysitter who started last week. She came from 8:30-11:30 Monday and Tuesday and instead of celebrating my new freedom, I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. :huh:

I simply had no one to call and invite for a quick morning out. I have realized lately that I'm unable to embrace most of my former friendships. I simply have been unable to return to my before cancer life...even though I really have tried. Yah, yah, I know...everyone else moved on instantly, why can't I? I don't know...call it trauma...Whatever the case may be, I feel like I'm alone even when I am sitting with another person or even a group of people....and that feeling has only deepened with the passage of time. This is how I feel online and in real life. I don't feel depressed about it...just that I don't really fit in anywhere right now in my life. I have plenty to keep me busy...but things are definitely not the same...in any realm of my life.

I have tried to focus more on the kids, but that is really hard with the teenage hormones, attitudes and moods breaking through each day. Instead of being cool, calm and collected like I always knew I'd be, I have turned into a bit of a screamer. I just can't listen to them complain all. day. long. I am working hard to inject some adventure into our lives though....Each weekend I have vowed to take the kids out and do something fun. Thomas gets that day to stay at home and read, play online or relax. This way, both of us get what we want. Here we are setting out on our way to the science museum last week....



For my kids, getting anywhere is 1/2 the fun. We packed up a picnic lunch, got everyone into the car and then before I even made it to the highway they had cracked open the picnic basket and were excitedly passing around the yummy treats. They had a great time going through the museum, but I'll confess here that my adventure mainly consisted of counting 1-2-3-4-5, 1-2-3-4-5 over and over again as I kept tabs on them.












Eventually, we ran into a situation where I hit 1,2,3,4.....1,2,3,FOUR....four, four, four....where is Aidan, where is Aidan...holy SHIT, where is AIDAN. Andrew, Amanda and I split up and I grabbed Alex and Zoe. We all met in the designated central spot, but there was no Aidan. Then I saw him standing there....sobbing hysterically. There were moms everywhere, and even a museum attendant nearby, but no one as much as glanced at him. (I assume they were counting too ). When I reached him, he fell into my arms with heartwrenching cries. He had decided to sneak back to the dinosaurs for one last look...and then realized that he was lost. "I thought you were gone forever mommy."

"No, honey, I'll never leave you."



I decided that my heart had had enough adventure for one day, so we packed it all up and headed back home. We stopped at a burger king for dinner and let Aidan and Zoe play until they were so tired that they dropped right off to sleep when we put them back in the car.

Phew![/quote]