It's -34F here right now with the wind chill factor figured into things. I'm not kidding. Sporting events like indoor ice hockey have been canceled because basically, people should just be staying indoors. But this morning when it was -40F with the wind chill....well, school was in session. It was deemed perfectly safe for children to stand at the bus stop. :huh: A friend of mine here who is also a teacher said sarcastically "well, any snow days DO cut into our summer vacation, you know" when I asked her why on earth they didn't just cancel school.

The wind was howling, and the the gate on our deck was beating up against the side of our house when my alarm went off....and I made the ultimate call. Screw it. I'm done with winter and driving kids all day long...at least for today! I called every single one of the kids in sick today and we played HOOKY. We surfed the web, watched TV, cleaned the house and now the kids are playing video games while I get dinner started.

I am seriously sick of winter here. I have nothing at all against the snow and cold, but -40F just puts me over the edge. It is too cold even go to the mall. I have no desire to bundle little ones and then pull out the buggy and push them through the freezing wind through the parking lot so that we can sit at the indoor play area. This is ridiculous.

Slowly, as my own personal fog has been lifting I have been realizing that the depression that I've experienced in recent times is less about me and more about my situation. Why? For starters, I don't just dislike cleaning...Over the years, I have grown to despise it with a venom that I otherwise only reserve for republican candidates. :> Nothing ticks me off more than having to do dishes 3 times a day or more....tripping over toys and crunched up Teddy Grahams after I have just vacuumed and cleaned a room....I can't think of many things in my day that I want to do less than laundry. Sitting down onto our loveseat that I just steamcleaned over the weekend and discovering that Zoe spilled her jogurt drink onto both cushions at some point during the day and it has dried up and crusted over makes me want to burst into hysterical sobs.

It's stupid, I know...but I hate cleaning....or better yet...I hate cleaning up the same flippin' things over and over and over and over again only to have them messed right back up in a scenario completely out of my control. Every job has it's scutwork, but come ON. My entire day is scutwork....

This weekend in a fit of lexapro-induced niceness, I cleaned up everyone's bedrooms. I spent over 2 hours in Amanda's room organizing books by size, hanging every stitch of clothing in her closet and cleaning out the dirt and junk. She was so thankful that she said "You must have worked so hard, mom. I promise to keep my room clean from now on."

I believed her.



Needless to say, somehow all of her clothes have jumped out of her closet and onto her floor and the books that I organized? Most of them are also on her floor. Please Gawd..explain this to me...I don't understand. :huh:

The thing is...I just don't enjoy the domestic life. I love my children, and I wouldn't change a thing in that regard...but I can not be a stay at home mom anymore. I really feel that I've reached a point in my life where I owe it to myself and my kids to be a happier person. I have spent my entire adulthood supporting Thomas in his career and doing my best to be there for my children. This has come though at the expense of my own personal happiness....My children make me happy...don't misunderstand...but I am not at a point in my life anymore where I can define myself by being the "dawkter's wife" or the "mom of five". In addition to being a wife and a mother, I'm also a person who needs to have some sort of life outside of laundry, vacuuming and driving.

And oh....it's supposed to be -46F tomorrow morning.