Don’t get me wrong…it’s beautiful this year, it really is. But…I’m kind of over it. I’m not sure if our prolonged and severe winter this year has anything to do with it, but I seem to be in a funk. I remember feeling…funkish lat year at this time too, so I’m sure that winter has something to do with it.


What makes this different is that I feel completely detached from my life. My camera is no longer my constant companion. I never did get my Christmas pictures up, Alex’s birthday has come and gone…and my motivation to post and update is just not there. I’m lonely most of the time and being home all day by myself with small children…well…I feel like I’m losing my mind. Most days, I simply have no adult conversation at all until Thomas gets home…and even then it is punctuated by the screams of teens, and the needs of the little ones.


Talking about it doesn’t help. I need change…I need social contacts…I need people in my life…and that just isn’t materializing right now. I already mentioned the ‘cackling hens’ and our falling out. I still think about the girls regularly and miss the good things in our relationships. I miss laughing together and the fact that they were relationships that I could count on…there was good and bad. I ask myself every day…was the bad unforgivable? Not really. Could I go back to those friendships? Probably. I miss our Wed. night outings…the routine…the feeling of belonging…I don’t know if it would be possible to rebuild in a different way. I considered sending out valentine’s cards to all of the girls as a test balloon…funny when you consider that they all were so quick to turn on me when things went sour…funny in a not so funny way. Why am I so willing to look past things like that? Because I’m lonely? Because I have such an intense need to connect? Because I have screwed up so many times in my own life and understand what it is like to make a mistake?


I don’t know. I just have to…walk away.
It just seems like I’ve hit this time in my life where I realize that what counts is not the degrees on the wall or the jobs that we have…it’s the people in our lives. The problem is that none of the people in my life have time for me. They are all so focused on themselves. Thomas tries…he understands as best he can…but he also has his patients and boards to think about. I’ve gotten so used to opening my mouth to finish a thought and having him dial the hospital operator and cut me off mid-sentence that I don’t even think about it anymore.


He doesn’t do it to be hurtful…it just is what it is…My dad only has time for me if it involves me listening to him complain or lecture me. My mom works all of the time because she is so disorganized and can’t pull things together. I say that with love…I do…but she is one of the few people that I know that can spend 8 hours seeing 4 patients. Again, I love her dearly…I support her with every fiber of who I am and I am very proud of her…but there are days that I just want to cry “what about me?”



I suppose my lab partner from Anatomy was the most honest: After a semester that we spent working together she said “Let’s get together and have a cup of coffee since we won’t ever see each other again after this.” What? We shared about our kids, our husbands and studied together…and she announced it was over when I thought we were just building a foundation. “Come on, we’re both busy. You have 5 kids, I have 4…we’ll never see each other again.”


sigh.


Everyone is so busy…their patients, their stress ….


I’m busy too, but I still have time in my life for people….I make time in my life for people….