I feel like I never update anymore. As much as I enjoy blogging and writing I just don't seem to have the opportunity lately like I have in the past. It feels like I have so much to do with the house and the kids. I thought that once my semester ended (I took two courses which ended early) that I would have more time. I even hired a babysitter for two mornings a week. Still...I just can't seem to get the time. As I type though, the kids are all sleeping, Thomas is downstairs studying for his ID boards , and I....am leaving the dishes sit in the sink for a few minutes to try and catch up!

I can't even remember where I left off and now I'm too lazy to go back and see, so I'll offer up a quick recap of life over the last few months.

I took medical terminology and readings in biology this semester in the online format. Both courses were taught by professors that I worked with in the past and I let the stress get to me at first. Ultimately, I feel like I figured out how to balance the kids and my own needs and ended on a high note for myself personally and grade-wise. Together, with Thomas, I have decided to continue taking courses but am going to do it online. I have nothing to prove. I already have my degree and now is not going to be the time for me to go back and do something professionally. The classes will offer me a refresher and will ultimately help me no matter where I end up. I found a university offering some good chemistry courses for credit in an online format and I'm tackling those next. I might as well dust off the cobwebs.

Life with the kids is tricky.

Andrew has been very difficult. I know that in the past I have touched on some of it...but his behavior is negatively affecting the entire dynamic of our household. To quote my mom yesterday "What happened to sweet, sweet, Andrew?"

I don't know.

I really don't.

At some level, I feel like such a failure. At another level, I feel angry because he is the child that I have truly poured myself into the most. He had the advantage of my young mommying years when I had themes of the week in our house and was so much more hands on. I feel like I have worked so hard to give him everything that I can emotionally, physically and in helping him with social and academic issues. To him, I am the "bitch".

It is shocking, upsetting and disappointing. He refuses to get out of bed many days for school and is angry with both Thomas and I because he has no friends at the school he has been going to for 2 years. He completely overidealizes the local schools now and has forgotten many of the things that happened. He wants to come back. He told me that I ruined his junior high years and have robbed him of all happiness in his life. I don't know what to do...truly.

His awkwardness and difficulties will not go away if we return him to the public schools and I fear that he will be ridiculed and fall through the cracks again. He, on the other hand, has determined to get himself kicked out of the school he goes to now...hence the refusal to get out of bed.

It's hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. Most days start out with me feeling upset and angry and it's not a good way to begin things.

Amanda has turned an incredible corner this year. She is...absolutely lovely to have around. We cook together almost every night and have really nice conversations about her friendships and life. I truly enjoy her company now most of the time. It is a gift...really.

Alex is Mr. Laid back and...ahem...lazy when it comes to school work. He is very social and tends to run out the door when he gets home and will play with the boys in the neighborhood until dinner time. They are back to riding bikes and building teepees ... and the turtle hunting is in its early stages as well.

Aidan is a bit more of a challenge simply because he gets home from school and then wants to run outside and play too. I'm torn. He's only 5 1/2. If it were up to me, I'd let him go, but the neighbors all...well...they have their opinions. They still sit outside in portable chairs to watch their 8 year olds play...so how can I possibly allow Aidan to go out. It's a big issue in my mind and I find myself endlessly frustrated by chasing him around...Thomas tells me to get over it and let him be a child. I don't know.

Zoe is so high maintenance that it is a real challenge. Take tonight, for instance. I finished making dinner and walked into the living room to get something. When I returned to the kitchen 2 minutes later, she had scooted over the bar stool for our center island to the sink, turned on the water, and flooded the sink and our wood floors. I couldn't believe it. Everything was soaked. My whole day is like that with her because she is into things. Not 15 minutes goes by without the sound of glass breaking (really!) or her climbing on or coloring all over something!

I have to admit that my exhaustion led me to depression...and I started not being able to handle things well. I started yelling at her or ignoring things and feeling really upset...so I hired a babysitter for 2 mornings a week. It has most definitely helped! I take the two mornings and get coffee for myself or go to the mall. It's starting to make a difference for me.

Summer is around the corner too....not close enough around the corner because these 50F temperatures are really getting me down now...but it's getting there!

I am planning our trips and am hoping to go with the kids to Wyoming with Amanda's best friend, Phedon, for a week. My big plan though is to drive to the Northwest territories....It would be a huge trip and one that would not be sanctioned by my spouse because of the distance. Maybe I could talk him into going?

You only live once...I want to drive as far North as I can! I had such a great time in Canada this summer. If that doesn't end up being a viable option I'm working on an acceptable (and not so crazy) Canada option that would be doable!

Final news? I already mentioned in a previous blog that Zoe turned 3. We had a really great day that started with a breakfast birthday party at a friend's house and ended at Space Aliens. Then, Amanda turned 13 yesterday. Great Scott...where do the years go?

It's been awhile since I've posted any pictures really....so if anyone is still reading this, here they are:
Attached Files