I suppose I should recognize my current state of mind as being a result of coming out of my winter hibernation and trying to crawl through the end of the school year. For some reason, this year just feels more intense than other years though.

I am the kind of crabby that screams or at the very minimum .


I woke up this morning and thought "do I have to get up? Do I HAVE to do this AGAIN?" Ultimately, we all know that the answer is...yes...yes, Kris, you do.

I got up and started the drill.

"Rise and Shine".


right.

Alex and Amanda got up and started getting ready, as they do every morning. Though I am incredibly thankful that they are *easy*, the tattered pieces of ripped up Oatmeal packets, spilled cereal and milk and the last minute quest for shoes has gotten annoying.

Andrew...well...we all know the drill with Andrew. Though he opened his eyes and acknowledged me each time that I came into his room, he later had no recollection of it. 10 minutes turned into 20 and I finally just gave up.

I grabbed my cup of coffee and sat on the sofa and stared out at the new leaves budding on the neighbor's tree.

Is this all there is?

We have no family around...to help and...also, to just bring joy (or at a mimimum...entertainment...) to life in general. Let's face it...as dysfunctional as our families can be, they are our families. Sure, my dad got stumbling down drunk, passed out, and then urinated all over the kids playground equipment 2 years ago at Thanksgiving...but...it was one of the most fun Thanksgivings I've had.


I considered the fact that I needed to keep moving and get Aidan and Zoe up and ready, but I couldn't force myself.

I don't want to do this job anymore. Not like this.

This isn't about not loving my children or...the fact that I have five. There isn't one child that I would give back. I don't regret my children. It isn't about the fact that being a parent is one of the hardest things that I have ever done.

It is about the fact that I had no idea that a child could suck my eyeballs out through my navel and make me want to drive my van full-speed into the pond.

No...it isn't even about that. After all, the teen-age years are supposed to be hard and I have become immune to the:

"what are you going to do to wake me up better so I'm not late anymore"
(light a fire under your bed?)

"you are so stupid"
(I'm starting to think that about some of my choices too)

"you're just crazy" (oh, honey....like a fox..you wanna push me a little further and see just HOW crazy?").

Yes, adolescence screams BOARDING SCHOOL to me. I can own up to that.

What makes me most unhappy is not my children though...it is other parents...

You know...the same parents who confess that they left their 14 year old in charge of their 11 year old for an entire WEEK while they went to Hawaii but then want to talk to you about how to do things better as a mom...

Or, hmmmm....the perfect cul-de-sac mom who told her husband to get bent last year because she was so stressed and overwhelmed by her 17, 12 and 9 year olds ... the same one who walked out to her car and then drove to her mother's house for a week and left her pharmacist husband to find childcare at the last minute....but stands around and talks about me behind my back because I let my 5 year old ride his bike all through the neighborhood without sitting outside and watching him.

No..the absolute BEST story is that of the psychologist here locally who specializes in children with ... issues. We bumped into each other and were just chatting about how we couldn't wait for school to end. I asked her how work was and she made the comment that every parent thinks that their child is a "genius" yet half of them are idiots.

(I thought that was part of my job...you know...to love my kid fiercely and fight for them...MAN...if the mom can't look at her flawed child and think they're wonderful, the kid is in trouble...but I digress).

She went on to talk about the fact that 1/2 of her consultations for ADHD involved bad parents and not sick kids.

I just nodded and listened. She kept on...and started complaining that her 3rd grader was taking his Iowa Test and wasn't focused enough. She sat him down and told him that she would get results of his test broken down by area before summer (a lie) and that if he screwed up on any part of it, she would force him into tutoring all summer instead of his fun activities.

Wow...that sounds healthy...and she's evaluating OTHER parents and their kids?

I left the exchange feeling bad. It's ok to freak out about kid stuff...it's ok to make parenting mistakes. It is NOT ok to freak out about kid stuff, make parenting mistakes AND stand in judgment of other parents.

I have learned a lot through my years as a mom, but the critical, nasty, judgment of other parents is what has made the strongest impression on me.

When I lived in Northern Ireland, being a mom was so much different. Of course, I only had one child, but everyone around me had at least three. They were so laid back with their children and with each other. There was no cattiness. They seemed to just get it differently than we do here.

Back then, I was the judgmental one, though it took me years to finally admit it to myself.

I watched them let their children make mud pies, feed them microwave french fries and jump off of sofa cushions with the smug thought that clearly....these parents might want to start looking into drug treatment facilities early to get on the waiting list.

I kept my thoughts to myself....mostly....but I didn't get it.

My best friend at the time had 5 children. Her house was always a disaster and she made no apologies. The kids ate microwave french fries and fought endlessly. Her dining room furniture was mismatched because the teen-age boys had jumped on them too hard and broken them...they had replaced them with boot and bonnet sale finds.

I was judgmental. I admit it. I thought her kids were going to end up on some N. Ireland version of "the UK's Most Wanted", become drug addicted or worse.

Every single one of them has gone on to college. Most have graduated and have successful careers. The youngest is still in college.

Boy was I wrong...about her kids...and about mine.

I really thought I had it all figured out when it came to parenting. Thomas and I were simply not going to make the mistakes that our parents had made. We were going to make every effort to do things right. Right as judged by the child-experts at the time who advocated the family bed and attachment parenting. It cracks me up that by the time I made it to baby #5 the right way (as pronounced by said experts) is to let the kids cry it out in their beds at night.

It's enough to make your head spin.

Parenting is hard....and we're all on this wild ride together. Is it really that outrageous for me to suggest that we all quit judging each other and start recognizing that we're all struggling through the best that we can...we will all make mistakes, have moments of great success, fail miserably and have every experience inbetween! Why hide it?

Why do we talk about cotton onesies, private preschool programs and sign our kids up for more activities than we can stand driving them too? What makes us feel like the more that we GIVE our children, the better we will be perceived? How is it that gossiping about other parents helps us rise a notch on the social ladder...

It's exhausting. Why do we do this to ourselves?