I'm starting to figure out why Nanny Stella can whip a house into shape in 5 or 6 days. 1. She gets to watch and direct and 2. She gets weekends off! LOL

It's Friday and I'm already dropping the ball. I'm just tired and I feel like the more I do...well...the more I do. This week, I barely got a chance to just sit down and relax. What I realize is that every time I pop online, go to the bathroom...you name it...someone is in to something. So in the name of taking control, I could only check my email or the iMSN from my cell phone...in the car...It makes me feel even more isolated and alone.

It's very frustrating and I'm having one of those days where I just feel like giving up. It feels too hard to meet the needs of a 14 year old and a 3 year old at the same time....with different ages in the middle to complicate things. I'm feeling exhausted, irritable, frustrated and resentful today instead of loving and nurturing. =(

Early in the week, I followed all of the suggestions that I could glean from the show...and things were definitely running more smoothly. More smoothly to dh though means more time for him...more of the same...and gratitude that someone else is doing it and the house is less chaotic. It put a lot more work on my plate, I have been exhausted and despite all of my efforts I realize that the second that I back off, the inmates start to take control of this asylum again.

I actually feel so tired and disappointed in myself that I have been in tears most of today. When I get this way then I also start snapping and yelling at the kids. It becomes a vicious cycle. The cold hard truth is that I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed...and I know that even though dh worked the last 2 weekends straight that this weekend he will be focusing on his final push for the ID board recertification exam. He is also leaving Tuesday morning and will be spending the night in Minneapolis. It is a stressful way to spend the end of the school year for the kiddos.

It's just a bad day...tomorrow is a new one, I guess.

This is all on top of a doctor's appointment that I had yesterday that also felt like it didn't go as planned. I have discovered that I am becoming a little phobic about going in to the doctor. I don't know what is wrong with me....I went in and saw my internist and even though I'm fine to do coffee, visit her at her house or have her over here...in the atmosphere of her office I start feeling inferior and like I'm just a bother or something. I was a nervous wreck.

After some testing, she confirmed some of the concerns that I have been having over the last year...that I have peripheral neuropathy in my hands and feet. Vincristine? Idiopathic? Who knows. It's just another thing that makes me feel down lately.

I started on nortriptyline last night in an attempt to treat it and I woke up at 2:30 am thinking that I was projecting my dreams onto my eyelids in the form of hierogyliphics What a total and absolute freak-out moment that was! Until I shook myself awake and realized that this was probably just from starting this medication, I was scared to death.

I couldn't get out of bed this morning and Alex and Amanda basically were completely on their own. I feel terribly guilty, but I just couldn't get up.

Andrew finished school yesterday and missed his offical, formal graduation ceremony because he lost track of time while on a bike ride after school with his buddies. No one was answering cell phones while they drove around and he was shocked when he discovered how much time had gone by. I was so disappointed. I guess the graduation was more for me than him, but I feel like I missed out on one of our big milestones. It doesn't seem to bother him though.

Aidan had his last day of preschool today...and the freaky part of it? I didn't even know that today was his last day. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he brought out his Montessori shoes.

I am so OUT of it.

It's so odd, because I used to be so much more on top of things. Now, I feel like the world has pretty much taken over and I'm just swirling around in a giant vortex trying desperately got get a good foothold and get control. I have moments of it...but not enough.

This blog has taken me a good hour or so to write because everytime I open my laptop, Zoe jumps on the sofa and puts her foot in the computer, unplugs the cable...you name it. She is wanting my attention...It's time to unplug and tune back in.

I'll just make sure I get a good night's sleep and am ready to face tomorrow.