Andrew and Aidan have been out of school for the last ten days or so....now we're in the final countdown. Tomorrow is the last day of school for Amanda and Alex...phew! No more early mornings, homework, planners, reading minutes or other stuff to stand in the way of life. Andrew already has our trip to Edmonton, Alberta planned and routed. I have ordered the books from AAA too so that I make sure that we see everything there is to see. Who knows when we'll be able to make the trip back.

I'd like to leave this weekend, but....

wait for it....


The van is in the shop yet again.

Yes. I got a flat tire a couple of weeks ago on a day when I was finishing up driving Andrew out to his school. I didn't notice the flat tire until I was home and ultimately, I had to pull over and call AAA to come out. We took the van to Sears where they discovered that I had a broken "ball joint". They were unable to fix it and told me that it was perfectly safe to drive...just to drive short distances until I got it fixed.

Yesterday morning we brought it in to the dealer. They immediately pointed out that part of the axel is broken...some sort of a "rod" on both sides. They told us that not only will it cost nearly $1000 to fix but that they don't have the part and under NO circumstances can I pick the van up. Why? They said it was so unsafe to drive that anytime I took a corner, my front tire could have popped off. Also, my air conditioning is broken and will need to be fixed. The entire compressor is gone...it will be at least $1000. The dealer quoted us $2000 but a little mom and pop shop said he thought he could do it for $1000 with after market parts.

The big question in our mind, of course is when do we stop investing in the van? It's paid off...I love it...so I guess we'll just keep it up until the wheels fall off. Apparently, we were close to that point the last couple of weeks.

Beyond that, life continues to present me with challenges and I have reached a point where I just don't know how to meet them head on anymore.

So...I'll just blurt it out here. (I posted it in the private forums but deleted it because my sarcasm serves no useful purpose.). Tomorrow I turn 39.....and before we can go to Space Aliens to *celebrate*, I am taking my 13 year old daughter to the adolescent specialty center (behavioral health) to have her official intake for anorexia.



In the past six months, she has lost 7 pounds and grown an inch and half. She refuses to eat anything that has any sugar, fat or more than 100 calories in it.

How did we get to this place?

I. Don't. Know.

It isn't something I saw coming or ever imagined that we would have to deal with as a family.

Last week, she burst into tears and sat in my lap crying because she doesn't like the middle school and all of the social pressure she is under there (after begging me to send her back there this year). She said she has no friends, has to sit at the table with the "losers" and that the "popular girls" are mean to her. She said that she was depressed and that the joy was gone from her life.

She told me that if she eats anything that brings her pleasure she feels guilty. I had baked her favorite banana muffins and after eating one, she refused any more....because she was so afraid it would make her fat...and more unpopular....



I have cried so many tears over the last few weeks over how overwhelmed I'm feeling with all of this. I have spoken multiple times with the pediatrician that we recently switched to for her, behavioral health and my mom and Thomas. I have been buying diet Sierra Mist and regular Sierra Mist and then standing in the parking lot at the grocery store pouring out the diet and refilling the diet containers with regular...and then re-sealing the lids with super glue. I have done the same with the no fat pringles.....throwing out the olestra-filled snacks, replacing them with the regular ones and then regluing the aluminum foil lids.

I have felt consumed with worry...and...my feelings of inadequacy....and I have to say this, as terrible as it will sound: I am angry. I am angry with my daughter. She is snotty and sarcastic with me and no matter what I do, it does not measure up to her standards.
I feel like I have tried so hard as a mom to meet my chidren where they are at in their lives and try to help solve the problems they were having. I have tried to really be there for them and listen....and to advocate on their behalf. I have given and given and...it isn't enough.

I went walking with a mom of 4 today who has 3 grown children and 1 teen-ager at home. I have always considered her to be a "bad" mom. Isn't that terrible of me? The reason behind this is that she shared with me that when her daughter (now 23) was 14, she called the police and told them that her mom abused her. This mom lost custody of the 14 year old at the time, had to go to court-mandated counseling and the child was in foster care for a year.

Slowly, through time, it came out that the 14 year old had been abusing drugs. Ultimately, she confessed to having made it up and was returned to the custody of the mom. This mom told me that as a result of all of that, they moved from their home in the Twin Cities out to Sartell to start over and....she went to work full-time because she just couldn't handle not getting a break anymore.

I had no understanding for that mom. I admit that I totally sat in judgment of her. I pretty much believed that there must be truth to what the daughter said. It's even more ironic that now she and her 23 year old daughter are very, very close.

Now, I am sitting in the same judgment over myself and it feels bad....terrible. I am going over every choice, every decision, every harsh word....and instead of being able to be patient with my daughter, my other children, Thomas and myself I have become unbearable to be around over the last few days.

I have yelled at Amanda instead of embracing her...I have shouted at her in anger and frustration over her not eating...the situation has come to a nasty head. We aren't even really speaking anymore. Since...for all practical purposes I am the adult here, I will have to remedy this...

I had bought her a silver heart necklace a few days ago to give her as encouragement...it is still sitting in a drawer in my kitchen. As the situation became more intense the moment was lost.

I don't know how to get it back. It all boiled over again last night when I made a nice dinner for the family (I have been trying to make something new and interesting every night). For Amanda's meal, I made home-made german noodles with an almond cream sauce (also home-made)....with a fresh salad. She took one look at it, decided she didn't like it (because she thought it would be too fattening) and made herself a bean burger and a small portion of mac and cheese instead.

I just lost it....and it went downhill from there.....

I need to get a grip, but it i shard because I am so afraid for her...and angry...and because deep in my heart that nagging feeling of failure and inadequacy keeps pulling me down into a dark place.

Think of us tomorrow at 1pm.