I remember the first time that I held my firstborn daughter in my arms. I was exhausted from the 26 hours of labor and the long delivery. She was born with an apgar of 3 and was whisked off while they cleaned me up. I remember drifting in and out of consciousness as I tried to ward off sleep so that when they finally brought her to me I could hold her.

They woke me up to put her in my arms and I couldn't stay awake. I was terrified of dropping her because I kept falling asleep and then being jolted awake by my startle reflex. We were in Northern Ireland and instead of placing her in the baby bassinet and pushing her through the hospital corridor with me, they placed her in my arms while they pushed my bed back to the maternity ward.

I was crying. "Please, please someone take her. I'm going to drop her," I pleaded.

But I didn't drop her...we made it back to the floor and I dozed in and out of sleep with her laying soundly in my arms.

Through the years, I have continued to be afraid of dropping my firstborn baby girl. I have wanted to be the best mom that I could to make sure that nothing or no one ever harmed her. I know that I have continued to "doze off" at times as her mom, whether it was because I was wrapped up in Thomas' residency, nursing my own feelings and dealing with my own struggles or was simply busy....too busy to see certain things that should have been obvious...hoping that even though I wasn't awake every moment that she would still be nestled safely in my arms...

Last week, my startle reflex went into high gear...by Friday afternoon, the pediatrician was convinced that Amanda would have to be admitted to the medical floor because of her poor physical condition. Her bloodwork came back good enough to keep her home, but I was told to make an intake appointment at Methodist hospital in the Twin Cities...just in case...in case she can't get healthy enough fast enough. After reading her EKG, the pedi told Amanda that if she exercises at all she could induce a heart attack. She is on complete activity restriction.

I spent the weekend grappling with my own feelings of guilt and self-blame. I didn't mean to drop you, Amanda. I convinced myself that it was all ok. I didn't see some of the things that I should have until it was too late. I underestimated the effect of certain relationships on you. I was asleep sometimes when you needed me...but I'm awake now.

We spent the weekend together planning meals, talking and trying to connect about what has been causing her to restrict her eating so significantly. I took her out Saturday night for dinner, a movie and a night in a hotel where we did manicures, pedicures and watched more movies on pay-per-view. Then we did breakfast at IHOP.

This is the first time that I really began seeing my 13 year old daughter as a young woman with her own separate adult issues...This past year her first boyfriend (who was also her best friend) moved away without notice. One day he was in school and the next day he was gone after his family foreclosed on their home. She has been teased viciously at school again over her weight...even being told by some of the bitchiest, meanest asswipes of teen girls that she is fat when she is nothing but skin and bones. She has sat in her room at night feeling alone and sad...she worries about getting good grades, having a career, going through puberty, friendships, relationships with boys....she is not a little girl anymore...she has grown from the baby that I held in my arms ... what seems like just minutes ago.... to this beautiful young woman with her own separate life.

It is hard to let go a little when I feel like holding her so close to me. I can not protect her from all of the hurts in life....now I can only stand at her side and try to be the best support that I can.

Today was a good day. She went back to the psychologist, was weighed, and gained 3 pounds this weekend. That is huge. Her face has color again. She is motivated to get healthy and was willing and eager to talk about how she can get healthy quickly.

The therapist could not get over the change from last week. "Your daughter is very strong."

Yes, yes she is.