It's February. I know...I have been terrible about updating my blog these past few months.

The truth is, immersing myself into the world of parenting teen-agers has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I feel comfortable mothering little ones...providing comfort, reading stories, going to parks and play areas...and if necessary time-outs. Teen-agers? Holy sheep shit and katy bar the doors!

What is even more difficult for me is trying to figure out what a good mom is and what exactly I should be doing. I thought I had that concept nailed down. Now I feel like I know nothing!

When the kids were all younger, I drew a lot of comparisons between myself and other moms and I developed an inner compass of what I thought was right. It was useful to me. I watched moms let their elementary school-aged children watch the HBO series Six Feet Under and new in my heart that that fell into the wrong category. I could pat myself on the back and feel that I was doing it right.

Way back when, my list was something like:

family bed: right
breast feeding: right
attachment parenting: right
stay at home mom: right
veggie/fruit at each meal: right
spanking: wrong

Of course there were more...but as my children got older and I looked around at my peers and my own life, my list sort of changed.

family bed: I don't know
breast feeding: or whatever you want
attachment parenting: what's that again?
stay at home mom: pass the valium (or rum and coke ... or both)
veggie/fruit at each meal: right
spanking:coulda, woulda, shoulda

The parents whose grade-schoolers were watching Six Feet Under, who were totally hands off when it came to parenting...whose 8th grader was allowed to pierce her EYEBROW....their kids are doing great in school, one has a college acceptance and the other is applying and has a great ACT score...

Where did I go wrong?

Don't misunderstand me. My teen-agers are basically good kids....well, that depends on the list I might make, I suppose!

Andrew is doing incredibly well in school this year. He is hovering around a 4.0 taking AP physics, AP Geometry (and scheduled to take pre-calc next year), German 3, you name it. Socially though, he is miserable. He blames it all on me: "If you hadn't married Papi, I would be happy. Papi isn't athletic and that's why I'm a geek. If you had forced me to be involved in sports as a child, I would have friends now. I hate you."

Every day of our lives for the last several months has been measured by how much Andrew hates me. It's not funny. It really hurts and I feel helpless. We are waiting for an appointment for him to talk with someone. In the meantime, he is taking private baseball lessons and we are doing everything we can to get him involved in athletic activities.

I have felt so defeated and sad that I have barely been able to focus on everything else.

Yesterday was Valentine's day. I did my usual card/chocolates and put them out for dinner. Andrew had a card waiting for me:

I may not tell you, Mama, quite as often as I should
To me you stand for everything that's nurturing and good.
When I remember growing up,
I see a picture of
A household filled with laughter, prayer, your home cooked meals, and love...

You've bolstered me and backed me every step along life's way. I may not tell you Mama, but I feel it every day.

He apparently needed 20 minutes to pick this card out and he told me "I mean it" when he gave it to me.

Every timeI read it, I cry...and I don't know why I'm crying...am I happy...am I sad...I don't know.

Amanda is having a super-fantastic-fabulous year (with the exception of schoolwork, of course!). I have had to stop answering our home phone because it rings non-stop for Amanda. She has more social engagements and friends than she ever has. This has fed her self-confidence and the eating issues are an absolute thing of the past. Her take on it is "I tried it, I didn't like it, I don't ever want to be hungry again."

Well, hallelujah....here I am though still nursing my feelings of failure...and she has moved on...and looks and feels great. Thomas and I continue to relive this summer and talk about what happened, what we could have done differently, and then worry aloud if we think she might have skipped a meal. "My God, you guys worry way too much. That was last year. Move ON" comes Amanda's reply.

Ok.

I'm happy that she is doing well socially. School, on the other hand, is a much bigger challenge. If I don't check her gradebook online daily and then bug her about grades and assignments, she slips behind.

This semester she got an A in choir, a B in social studies, a B in Language arts, a C in Science, a C in pre-algebra (which she is repeating...sigh) and a .... drumroll please .... D- in Spanish which she defended because "I don't want to speak spanish".

Right. uh. huh.

This whole log in and check grades, nag, check assignments thing is very foreign to me. Should I really be doing this for a child about to turn 14?

I keep reminding myself to count my blessings....and then I think back to the child who pierced her eyebrow at 13, was allowed to dress in black from head-to-toe and embrace her inner Goth...and I wonder how it is that she is going to college next year and Amanda seems to just be just getting by. I'm putting in the effort...why isn't it paying off?

So ... parenting the two older children really leaves me with nothing left to give, which is quite unfortunate because there are three other little ones vying for my attention.

Fortunately (or not so fortunately), Alex is our easy child. He gets A's, has lots of friends....How does Thomas put it? Third time was the charm? I wince when he says that, but somehow Alex did seem to get a mixture of traits that makes life easier for him. Unfortunately, it also means that he sometimes doesn't get the attention that I think he needs and deserves.

Both Alex and Aidan put themselves to bed at night! By 8:30, they are usually tucked into their beds. Wow.

Aidan is having a great Kindergarten year. He is reading chapter books and is much more interested in reading than any of the other kids ever where. He did try to go through is own little gangsta phase this year, but as his teacher said "it just didn't work for him. No one took him seriously and it ended in 2 weeks". Phew!

Zoe is settled into preschool and absolutely loves it. She wishes she could stay for lunch every day...but she comes home with me. At conferences last week, her teacher told me "Zoe is very self-confident. She is not afraid to say what she thinks."

Apparently, she arrived one day, washed her hands, and then headed out across the classroom to start an activity. One of the teachers began walking in the same direction. After about 2 seconds, Zoe stopped, turned around and said "Are you following me? Stop following me!" to the teacher and waited for her to respond.

Fortunately, the teachers take it all in stride and they laughed about it. She really is pretty outspoken though!

I am just pretty tired from trying so hard to manage all of the various ages and issues. Thomas has been helping me by trying to drive one group in the mornings, but it is dependent on his own schedule.

Which...sort of brings me around to the whole job issue.

The new CMS rules for changing consultation codes went into effect on Jan 1 of this year. This sort of got pushed through under the radar and it seems to have wide-reaching ramifications for us. Because ID is really a consult-based service and a large percentage of patients seen are medicare patients, the reduced billing codes are going to mean a significant pay cut for us. Also, in general there have been less patients recently. This has added a new level of stress for us as grown-ups...and we spend a lot of time each evening walking and talking about how to manage the changes.

I'm also taking a physics course this semester. I don't seem to have the space in my brain to relearn the material and my time feels like it is eaten up by a lot of more mundane tasks like driving kids to activities. So far it's going ok though....and I'm happy I'm doing it even though I can't be the most dedicated student. I get to go on-campus two mornings a week and be with other adults and it is an incredible breath of fresh air for me!

Well, that's my long, rambling update!