I used to be so much better at updating here. Life has just gotten away from me what with my crazy 5 bambinos growing up so fast.

This really does seem to be our turn the corner year:

Andrew has really settled at school. Though he doesn't feel that he has the friendships there that he wishes he had, and it sometimes still frustrates him, for the most party he is almost ... happy at school. He is well-respected by his teachers and peers and continues to do well in his classes. This year, his goal is a 4.0 all year. If it wasn't for his band grade, I think he'd have it in the bag. His instrument was in the repair shop for 10 days because all of the pads were so worn that even some of the keys had shifted (ooops!). The band teacher would have no excuses. Apparently, we should have taken care of this in the summer. Oh well. Neither Andrew nor I knew that the pads were bad. Really....I'm kind of over teachers with God complexes who have so little compassion and understanding. In any case, Andrew also seems to be escaping from the grumpy, teenage mutant that has held him captive for two years or so. I've moved from cautious optimism to starting to believe that the changes are real ... for the most part. I guess he is just finally growing up. I wrote an article for the St. Cloud Times that came out a couple of weeks ago about whether or not I was a good enough mom, and hoping that I'm good enough for my kids. Andrew read it, turned to me and said "Mom, you are good enough!" Seriously, that saved me several years of therapy. I'm not kidding!

Amanda is being homeschooled this year. A lot of you know the story. The last two years with her have been crazy rocky and we have listened to more criticism and comments about our role in this from family and friends. At the end of last year, we had a meeting where the teachers told us that they believed she has a learning disability and that we needed to contact the high school early for testing in order to hit the ground running. We did. The high school blew us off. Then, as things started going downhill, I called again. The counselor assigned to her told us that in order to verify all of this, he would have to meet with the middle school team (do it, dumbass, it's your job!)...he just didn't feel it was worth the effort. When the collapse happened, he met with the high school teachers and they voted that Amanda has ADD and needed medication. thud. I'm so over it. Nothing I said made any difference because apparently, their medical degrees from K-mart were enough for them! Pulling her out to homeschool was the greatest risk that I have ever taken as a mom. I have felt nervous, uncertain and like I'm floundering a lot of the time. My daughter has gone from being insecure, self-loathing, self-doubting, moody, sassy and almost unbearable to friendly, easy-going, likeable and happy. This is proof to me that we made the right choice. She was texting my dad last night about how happy she is and how much she likes homeschooling and he called me to tell me that he had been wrong when he came out and blamed everything on me! LOL I'll take it, even though I'm pretty much over being criticized or judged by anyone. I find that people tend to be very judgmental about a lot of things ... until the shit hits the fan for them ... at which point they sort of get it because they need that understanding themselves. It's the human condition though. We have all been there.

Alex is having a good year. He's still a lazy reader, but he loves going to school with Andrew. He has made a lot of friends and is doing ok academically. Just ok...not rockstar ok, but B's. I'll take it, because I know how hard life is for Andrew. Alex started the violin this year, which he is rocking! I love listening to him play. He is also playing the drums, which...yah...I don't like listening to! LOL He puts a lot of energy right now into writing stories as well as drawing sketches of things to build. Maybe he'll be an architect someday? He is talking lately about being an author. I told him that it would be super-duper helpful for him to be a good reader first! LOL He just rolled his eyes. Ahhh, one step at a time.

Mr. Aidan is in first grade now, which is just unbelievable to me. He also just celebrated his SEVENTH birthday. Holy Buckets. He is having a really good year in terms of his academics. He got into the highest reading group and a pull-out accelerated math group. All that being said, he's still a little (ok a lot) immature and he kind of bounces around the classroom and doesn't always seem to want to settle in and do work. He is also into wrestling at recess which is a huge no-no...but he doesn't want to rein it in! So far, his teacher has told me it is not outside of the realm of normal little boy behavior...but it's hard for me that he is such a Tasmanian devil in the classroom and I can't do much except let the teacher crack her whip.

Zoe is 4 1/2 now. This kills me. My baby isn't a baby anymore and she refuses to be called little. She says she is BIG. She still believes that she is a princess, still wears princess dresses to school, but refuses to wear hair pretties and cries hysterically about having her hair brushed. Yesterday, she even wore her flannel pajama bottoms to school under her dress because she loved the beautiful kitty cats and I couldn't get her to remove them. So....I'm sure the preschool isn't one bit surprised and that they will be applauding when Zoe graduates from their Kindergarten program .... but hey ... there are so many real things to deal with that I don't mind that she felt beautiful in her flannel kitty cat pants and striped Gymboree dress! If they are judging us ... well ... did I mention that I couldn't care less? lol

40 has been good to me for the most part. I think it has brought me peace in many areas of my life. First, I feel like I have lived long enough to have an opinion about things. I also have enough experience at this point to realize that we all make mistakes, that no one is perfect and that everyone really will live through their own struggles with their marriages and children. It feels good to slowly unwind myself from the years of guilt at not being perfect and fear of judgment from others. People judge...it's life...move on....

I also have been experiencing a lot of health problems and it has taken me some time to really be able to find a more peaceful place with that. Right now, there is debate about whether or not what I'm experiencing is an unexpected off-treatment worsening of vincristine neuropathy or just a new problem. All I know is that my neuropathy has progressed in my arms and legs and that the trigeminal neuraliga (also neuropathy) now includes visible changes on my tongue as well as some changes to my vocal cords that were visible during a laryngoscopy. I have also begun experiencing periods of heart arrhythmias which may or may not have anything to do with the above.....I'm being followed on these issues, so I feel like I am doing what I can for right now to take care of things.

I know that that particular news sounds like a terrible update, but it isn't. It was a couple of months ago when I was angry and frustrated and feeling...pissed off at the world. It has all forced me to slow down though and reevaluate my life and my thought processes. I don't feel that deep anger and sadness anymore. I feel ok with it. I'm taking more time with the kids, I've modified some of my plans for the future, and I'm really at a good place. So...it's actually all good.

Who have I missed? Ahhh, Thomas. He is Mr. Vacation this year. After so many years of not taking time off, he's been taking off a lot more. He is trying really hard to help with morning drop-offs and generally speaking is more ... relaxed. Only you guys will get this, but he attended Aidan's birthday party last weekend. I think it's the first kids birthday party he has gone to in 8 years!!!!!!! He has always had to work or do something...It was pretty darned amazing to me. He also went walking around the neighborhood with me on Halloween this year when I took Aidan and Zoe Trick-or-Treating. Ummm...this is the first time EVER that he has done this since we had children. Ever. I know you guys get it. Maybe I'll have pictures of him camping in the pop-up next summer .... naaah, I don't thinks so! LOL

Kris