Surviving Residency 101: By Elizabeth Corey
Residency was my introduction to the big world of Medicine. And if that weren’t challenging enough, my future husband and I had decided to give up our long-distance relationship of two years and move to wherever he matched, which turned out to be Milwaukee, Wisconsin. So it was new city, new climate, new home, new relationship and new life all at once. And it was tough, but not only did we survive, we decided to get married in the middle of all of it! Now, after a year of the ‘attending’ life, and hopefully a year wiser, I’ve thought of some things that kept me (sort of) sane that might make it easier for you to survive as well:
1. Make a life for yourself outside your spouse’s career. This is the one everyone agrees on, and for good reason. In some ways, residency is like a dress-rehearsal for the rest of your life. Nothing is as bad as the training years, but Medicine is always there. Sometimes you can make it sit in the back seat for a little while, but it’s always going to be in the car. And the more of a world you make of your own, the better you’ll be able to deal with your spouse’s career without resenting the spouse or the career.
2. Be future-focused. Make “it does get better” your mantra, and repeat it as needed. There is real life and real money at the end of the tunnel. I can prove it! Our house is gorgeous, it’s 5 minutes from his office, and most days we have lunch together. I’ve even been able to quit doing “day jobs” and pursue some of the things I’ve always wanted to do. He still does on-call nights, but mostly from home via phone, and life is a lot more ‘normal’ than I ever dreamed it would be during residency.
3. Do whatever works for you and your relationship, even if it seems crazy to people who don’t understand. Remember that no one who hasn’t gone through it themselves will be able to really understand what you’re going through…and that includes your parents, extended family and non-medical friends. For many months during the first year I drove 40 minutes each way to bring in take-out food and (hopefully) have dinner with my husband in the call room when he was on IM call. Sometimes I’d sit and read or chat with the other on-call residents for a couple of hours before he could get himself free, but I didn’t mind at all. I had all kinds of well-meaning people telling me this behavior wasn’t healthy, but it worked for us, and that was all that mattered.
4. Be kind to yourself. Maybe this should really be number one. Find some little things that cheer you up and you love to do and do them when the ‘alone’ times come around. There were lots of moments where residency was like the best parts of being single again (without the dating, of course). I watched foreign films, trashy TV and scary movies, went out with the girls, spent hours in the bathtub, read piles of books, wandered art museums, ate scorching hot Thai and Indian food, got acquainted with my cousin’s children, took a class on Amish culture at the University and taught English as a Second Language for a literacy program in the evenings. Having something to look forward to really helped.
5. Watch out for jealousy, insecurity, anger and “feeling like a martyr because he’s never there and you’re doing everything by yourself”. These emotions are all normal and healthy; it’s what you do about them that counts. The most important thing is to find someone to talk to about what you’re feeling. Talk to friends, family, a therapist, clergy, the Medical Spouse forum (we love to listen to people vent!), anyone you know will listen. Because the worst thing you can do is suffer in silence and let it damage your own health or your relationship. Remind yourself often why you love and admire your spouse and why you’re with them.
This is a hard life, and it’s not for everyone. The divorce rate for physicians is the highest of all the professions, and believe me, there have been days when I’ve understood why. No one expects you to be saintly and never complain. But remember too, that it’s also a wonderful life, and it’s a chance to be a part of something incredibly important. As the support system to your spouse, you are also involved in helping your spouse’s patients. The truth is 100% of us will need medical care at some time in our lives. And I know that when my or my family’s time comes, I want someone as dedicated and caring as my husband there to take care of us.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I attended a funeral for one of his patients, an elderly lady who had been admitted to the hospital one night when he was on call. She was accompanied by a large, loving family, who liked the care Mike was providing so much that they fired their primary doctor and took Mike on instead. He told the family pretty much what he tells all the families–that he would take care of her the same way he would his mother or grandmother. The family was really touched by this, especially when he went ahead and did just that. I know for sure that he went in to the hospital to see her every morning, even on his days off, and called in to the nursing staff every night to check on her. He also kept in close touch with the family; listening to their concerns and spent lots of extra time making sure they understood what was going in with her care. When she passed away, they made Mike an honorary pallbearer, and insisted that we sit with the family at the funeral, which is a very great honor here in the South. The family surrounded us and told me how grateful they were for the care he had given to her and to them, and how lucky I was to have such a wonderful husband. When the funeral was over, we walked to the car and sat in silence for a moment, stunned by what we’d just experienced. And I said, “So that’s why we do all this, why we put up with so much of the bad stuff.” Because what we do matters.
