When School Hurts: Coping with playground bullies by Kristen Math

I heard the muffled sobs ascending up the stairs. The kids had been home from school for a half an hour and after eating a snack they had all gone their separate ways to color, play outside or read. I put down the laundry basket that I was carrying and walked down into the dining room. My ten year old son was sitting with his back to me. His shoulders heaved up and down; his face was buried in his hands. Within a few minutes, the story came spilling out. Children in his class had picked on him throughout the year, but the bullying had reached a feverish pitch.

Nothing could have prepared me for the shock of hearing what had happened that day. I listened as he told me about being kicked and hit, having soup thrown on him in the lunchroom and the accusations that he was gay. His classmates had thrown his crayons across the room so that he couldn’t participate in a group coloring project and had assured him in no uncertain terms that he was a ‘freak’. “I know I’m a freak, mommy,” he howled, with a sound that reverberated through my heart over and over again.

My son is not a freak. To the contrary, he is a warm, sensitive boy who runs into the house each day after school to find his 20 month old brother before even setting down his backpack. He’s good at math and prefers reading or the computer over any type of sport. The teasing began in physical education because of his lack of athletic agility. It gradually spread into the hallways and then the classroom. Too embarrassed to talk with his teacher about it, he had kept it to himself until it had become unbearable. When the issue of bullying first surfaced, I met with the teacher. I called him regularly and met with the principal. The response was lackluster at best. I heard things like “boys will be boys” or “I haven’t noticed any teasing – it must just be his perception”. Though I was promised action would be taken, none of these promises were honored. I was unsure of how to respond. I attempted to remain diplomatic and that afternoon while I held my devastated son, I realized it had been at the expense of his safety at school.

My son was unable to sleep for the first 5 weeks of summer. He often came into my room at 2am crying and fearful. As a result, he slept in his sleeping bag on our floor for most of the summer. It was distressing for all of us. Dealing with bullying swiftly and adamantly is the best way to prevent it from getting out of control. So what should you do? Here are some ideas.

Don’t Overreact

It’s hard not to. At times I was so upset about what happened that I couldn’t conceal how distressed I was. What your children really need though is your support and assurance that you are going to take action. Calmly listen and find out as many factual details as you can. Determine the names of children involved in the bullying as well as exactly what happened and where. Then outline exactly what you are going to do to take care of the problem…and follow through!

Meet with the Teacher … and the Principal

Your first line of defense is the classroom teacher. Make an appointment to come in and talk with them as soon as possible. Many teachers are willing to talk with you about the problems over the phone, but the less personal medium downplays the urgency of the situation. Come into the conversation with your expectations for how the bullying should be handled clearly outlined. Know the names of the offending children and the details surrounding the incident. Finally, be willing to hear whether or not your child is contributing to the teasing in any way.

It is important to be respectful towards the teacher, but it is also imperative that they understand that you have a ‘zero’ tolerance policy towards any teasing and that you are not afraid to remove your child from their classroom if something isn’t done.

If the teacher’s response is inadequate or the bullying continues, the next step is to meet with the principal. When my son’s art teacher informed me that kids were “just too sensitive” and that she had had a “silly” third grader burst into tears because a boy told her she was ugly, I knew it was time to move on to the principal.

Meeting with the head of the school can be intimidating and there is a certain trepidation that comes with going above the classroom teacher’s head. All I can say is…get over it. At the end of the day, the only thing that is important is your child’s safety. Be prepared to outline the situation and the steps that you have taken in order to get things under control.

During your meeting with the principal, find out the exact steps that will be taken to address the issue and then follow up to make sure that action has been taken. If I could go back and change one thing about my initial dealings with the school administrators, it’s that I was being too conciliatory. I wanted to appear diplomatic and like I was really willing to work with the system. Instead, I believe that my son’s problems were taken less seriously.

Keep a ‘Paper Trail’

Write down all of the events, names, dates and meetings in your planner or a notebook. This way you will not forget any of the details and if the bullying continues, you will have a record of what you have done to combat it. It’s important to be able to be specific about what has happened and who was involved. When I initially began speaking with the teacher, I didn’t even know the names of the children who had been involved in the bullying. I had to sit back down with my son and ask him to relive the events again so that I could report it properly. Later, when my talks with the teacher had proven ineffective, the principal wanted to know exactly what had been done. I wasn’t able to provide the dates that I had spoken with the teacher and had forgotten some of the details.

When Nothing Works

If, despite your best efforts, the bullying continues, insist on a meeting with the parents of the children doing the bullying and the principal. If the principal refuses, take your complaints (and notebook of your efforts) directly to the school superintendent and the parents yourself. It sounds intimidating, but at the end of the day, if your child was doing the bullying, you would want to know. Many parents are likely unaware of their children’s behavior and an embarrassing conversation may be enough to swing things back the other way.

I met with our principal and he appeared to take things very seriously. He wrote notes on his legal pad and asked lots of questions. He assured me that he would ‘take charge’. When I got up to shake his hand, I was shocked to discover that the ‘notes’ that he had written were actually just doodles. It turned out that the swift action with the students involved simply warning them not to “do it again”. There were no calls home to parents or serious consequences despite the repeated problems and serious nature of what was going on. We ended up taking our son out of school after the last incident and refused to return him until appropriate action was taken.

You may also need to explore other schools in the area to give your child a fresh start or consider homeschooling for the rest of the school year.

Helping Your Child Learn To Cope With Bullying

The most heart-wrenching issues associated with bullying are the depression and self-doubt that children have when they are being teased. There are no easy answers for how to best handle the emotional issues. Here is what’s worked for our family:

1. Provide reassurance:

Reassure your child that the bully’s comments are incorrect and that it is the child doing the teasing that has the problem. My son found comfort in the idea that bullies are often insecure and unhappy and that making fun of other people makes them feel better about themselves.

1. Don’t tell them to ‘ignore it’:

This puts an unfair pressure on the child. Most children don’t have the emotional maturity to be able to pretend like the teasing isn’t bothering them. It also places the responsibility for stopping the bullying on the child, and when it doesn’t work (it rarely does), they will feel like they have failed.

1. Address issues honestly:

If your child is being teased for their lack of ability to play ice hockey or leap tall buildings in a single bound, don’t gloss over it if they want to talk about it. My first response to my son when he complained that the bully was right about his awkwardness in gym class was to tell him that it wasn’t true. He turned to me and told me point blank that he knew that I was being dishonest…and he was right. I wanted to spare his feelings. The result, though, is that he felt that I would not be honest with him. Point out that everyone has different talents and abilities and then give attention to what your child excels at.

1. Help your child get involved in activities with kids that share their interests:

Give your child the opportunity to ‘hang out’ with others who enjoy the same kind of activities. This could mean getting them involved in a local chess club, band or drama club. They have the opportunity to shine and to realize that there are other children just like them.

1. Encourage your child to speak to an adult

Let them know that they can come to you or any of their teachers if the bullying continues. Children often fear that the teasing will escalate if they ‘tattle’ but more often than not, teasing stops when dedicated adults get involved.

1. Get counseling

If your child becomes depressed, fearful or anxious and is afraid to go to school consider getting them counseling to deal with their feelings. Unfortunately, many children who are bullied suffer from bouts of depression and low self-esteem and may develop adjustment difficulties. Getting help sooner rather than later is important.

As the new school year approached this Fall, we faced a difficult decision about whether or not to allow our son to start Middle School in the same district, to send him to a new school, or to homeschool. He had finally settled back into sleeping in his own bed, and as the long days of summer began to shorten, I was the one spending sleepless nights pacing the house. I desperately wanted to do what was right for him. Our son begged to be allowed to start Middle School and so I made an appointment to meet with the new principal. This time, I went prepared. I outlined exactly what happened starting with the beginning of the school year, and I left out nothing. The principal also came to our meeting prepared. He had discovered the complaint that we had filed with the Superintendent and had already come up with a plan of action. He had also chosen the most nurturing 5^th grade teacher for our son. I left the meeting feeling confident that this would be a good year…and it has been. Our son is thriving. He’s playing Saxophone in the school band, is competing in the Academic Triathlon and is making his best grades ever. He comes home each day now with a smile on his face.