How Smart Are They Anyway by Jennifer Patel

They’re supposed to be smart, right?

So why are we their brains for anything outside of the hospital (or clinic)?Our dawkter spouses can cure diseases, but they cannot begin to comprehend the trek a towel makes from a wet heap on the floor to its magical state of cleanliness in the linen closet.These are thoroughly educated people who can learn complicated medical concepts, but cannot accurately estimate that if they start a 3 hour procedure at 4PM, they will not, in fact, make the recital at 6:30PM.We could fall back on the old axiom that super-smart people usually lack “common sense” – but it’s not really true.Their jobs require deductive logic that uses the same kind of reasoning as “common sense”, yet when it comes to “common” things … well, there’s not so much sense floating around.

In my house, my husband seems to think that time I spend grocery shopping or going to a dentist appointment is my “me” time if he’s home with the kids.Since when does buying milk or having your teeth cleaned count as something personally fulfilling?In a related issue, we frequently talk (ok, we argue) about how much money is spent by me as compared to money spent by him.Considering that I do all of the grocery shopping, bill paying, prescription getting, home maintenance arranging …. of course I spend the bulk of the money!And on the grand scale of what money is spent on, if I need a new bra,I don’t think that will be the tipping point in our financial ruin.We could possibly look towards your medical school debt for a clue.A common theme I’ve found in conversations with other medical spouses: a certain lack of ability on the dawkter’s part to comprehend the “big picture” where finances are concerned.As medical spouses we tend to take on the bulk of the marital responsibility – so often times family finances seem to magically take care of themselves (as do so many other things in a dawkter’s life).Knowing that a paycheck was recently deposited is all the good dawkter needs to feel assured that money is available to spend.I’ve learned that my husband really has no idea how much things cost.He’ll drop me a “courtesy” call to let me know he spent $500 on new clothes, and wonder why I’m irate – after all, we “just got paid”.When he does sneak a peak at the electric bill,  he is outraged (as if it’s the first time he’s seen such a thing), and spends the next week snapping about lights being left on (while wearing the new clothes).I’m no genius, nor am I a mathematician, but my guess is flipping a few switches off and living in a dimmer world will NOT pay for your new pants.

My all-time favorite display of “smarts” comes in the relationship department.It seems to me that those of the dawkter persuasion are even MORE clueless about the “give” portion of the “give and take” that marriage requires.They are busy people with very little flexibility in their schedules — after all, we can’t dictate when someone has appendicitis or a baby will be born.It stands to reason that most tasks involved in cohabitating will fall to the non-medical person (read: person with the less important career).We often move for them, but wouldn’t dream to ask them to move for us – changing mid-stream in medical school or residency is not looked upon favorably.If there are children involved, the bulk of responsibility (sick kids, doctor’s appointments, school meetings) are handled by the non-medical parent.These are truths that are inherently understood when we move to the next level of commitment with our medical spouses.What we don’t realize is that keeping the “spark” going will mostly fall to us as well.If our dawkter has free time to spend with us, we’d better re-arrange our schedule so we’re free then, too. How about romantic spontaneity?Spontan-what-it-ty?Some might think that hoping for a romantic evening around my birthday wasn’t hoping for spontaneity … but it would have been in my book.Still, the idea of a surprise didn’t hit him … after all, he doesn’t know the babysitter’s phone number.This from a man who can look at a little piece of glass smudged with bodily fluid and tell you what is causing your pain.Still, he can’t work around that ONE stumbling block to planning an evening out with his wife.

I honestly believe that their professional calling is so strong they feel they must give themselves entirely to it.In the early years, the process requires it.Medical school, internship, residency and fellowship are not places where one can negotiate a schedule, or say “my family comes first”.In this perverse world that is seen as a sign of weakness.In most other professions, it’s understood that you are employed as an ends to a means.In the real world you work to earn a paycheck, with which you pay for your life.In the medical world it’s almost as though you get the paycheck because they have to pay you – legally – but medicine should be enough to satisfy your life.The pay goes up substantially once you’ve finished training — but for many years you using much of that money to pay for the privilege of medical school, and that pesky “life” you insisted on pursuing during training.In our life, I’ve learned that part of what drew him to me is an understanding that I COULD handle everything.He would never say it – or even admit to it – but it’s true.It must be one of the subconscious deciding factors when dawkters choose their partners — or at least the partners that make it for the long haul.We must be resourceful, intelligent, and nurturing (to the point we can handle all of their familial responsibilities).These dawkters seem to select a mate who will compensate for all of their shortcomings – natural and career-created.And we fall for it!

I guess they are smart.