Starting Over by Angela DeBernardo

It seemed like things were finally settling down for my little family. My husband had completed his nomadic years of medical training, gotten a good job and moved us all to a cute little village on the outskirts of an interesting city. After a predictable initial adjustment to the new area and new job, everyone in the family had made connections and found things to enjoy. I felt a deep satisfaction at a job well done as I retrieved the mail and found a birthday party invitation for each of my two children. My daughter opened her invitation and danced around in joy, chattering away about her half slumber party. It was at this time that I noticed the deafening silence from my son’s corner of the room. When I looked over at him questioningly, he dropped his invitation on the floor and said “Oh great. Another roller skating party.” Then he started to cry.

Every town has its own culture. In our new town, people skate. Roller-skating for toddlers is a standard community center offering. The schools host field trips to the roller rink in every grade. There are even blocked out “adult-only” skate times at the local rink. All this would be very interesting if we were just visiting, but we have moved here. Our woeful lack of roller-skating skills was just another sign that we did not belong. As my son stomped of to his room, I knew exactly how he felt.


Moving from place to place is a fact of life in the medical training process. Application to medical school brings a new city. Match Day tells you your new address. Advanced fellowship training must be obtained in the limited sites where it is available. This year, an unprecedented 22,221 medical school graduates matched into residencies throughout the U.S. At the end of June, most of them will be putting down roots in a new location, many with trailing spouses and children. Settling in to a new town is a long process. It takes time to make new friends and connections in the community. For medical families, these support systems are essential. So how do you get one started? Here are a few tips I have learned that help the process along.


Cop an Attitude

A good attitude, that is. Happiness is infectious. People like to be with other happy people. Remember that first impressions do count, so now is not the time to let loose with a sob story. You may be miserable on the inside, but on the outside it is time to smile. After you have made a few fair-weather friends, you can try to lean on them a little at a time. Gradual confidences build friendships.


Be Predictable
And patient. Give yourself a chance to get noticed. Show up at the same place, same time over and over and eventually someone is bound to introduce themselves. This technique works in many venues. Try it at a local jogging track or gym. If exercise is not your thing, it works equally well at the coffee shop, library and playground. The important part is the consistency. When I first moved to our new town, I jogged every night. On my third week in town, people started nodding and waving to me as I passed. That’s progress.


Find your Niche
People often bond over a shared hobby or activity. This can also reduce the stress of meeting people by putting the focus on something you already know how to do. Knitting circles, reading groups, cooking classes, geocaching clubs, scrapbooking hours, hiking, biking, running … the options are limitless. You can often find local groups from national web sites devoted to an activity. I have also found that the message boards at the library and coffee houses are filled with flyers for groups. Bookstores are a good resource for reading groups. The state park systems have many activities and information on sporting groups. If you don’t have a hobby to exploit, consider trying a new one. The one clear advantage of moving to a new place is that you get to re-invent yourself. Take advantage.


Like hobbies, causes are another common bond. Volunteering connects you with people who have similar values. Your new Chamber of Commerce might be able to give you information about local opportunities. If you are a parent, the PTO is always looking for help. Newspapers often have listings of volunteer spots in the area. Museums have training programs for docents -free, fun and educational. If you are religious, your new church will certainly offer social events and chances to help out. And there is always the hospital, if you haven’t gotten enough of the medical world!


Meet the Neighbors
Sometimes meeting new people is as easy as opening your front door. People like to know their neighbors. What type of relationship you ultimately hammer out depends on the situation, but it is unusual to encounter someone who doesn’t want to find out about the new folks on the block. Use your instant celebrity to hook up. This can be as easy as working in your yard or garden. Sometimes, I’ll read the newspaper on the front stoop. People coming and going from nearby houses almost always stop to say hi or at least nod. When our daughter started taking the bus to kindergarten, I noticed that another child waited for the bus a few houses down. Instead of letting our daughter wait on our front porch, we decided to regularly wait with our neighbor. The 5 minutes a day of chatting at the bus stop has grown into a real friendship. The important thing is to be visible in your neighborhood; people will come to you if they see that you are approachable. If all else fails, take a cue from the airlines and give out free drinks. It takes daring, but throwing a house warming party is a sure fire way to meet the locals.


I’m still getting used to my new town and I miss the friends I’ve left in other cities. Still, I know from past experience that the loneliness fades. It just takes time. Perhaps the most important advice about getting settled in a new place is to remember to take it easy on your family as they adapt. My son didn’t go to the roller skating party; after playing around briefly with the idea of clandestine lessons or a fake cast supplied by my husband, we made an excuse. I was fine with that. I did get him a pair of roller skates though, and as I write this he is stumbling around my living room. So when that next invitation arrives, we’ll be ready.