Am I crazy yet?

So, I have thought about starting a journal for a long time now, but well, just haven't...I think that it might be healthy to get out some of my thoughts though....

Where to start....

We have 3 boys and I love them all to pieces, it's busy and crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't change a thing!
So, after Alexander was born I had an IUD put in (SUPER fertile) to avoid any issues during DH's last year..anyway it fell out (gotta say that made me feel kinda "inadequate") and our OB gyn said that we couldn't get another reinserted until another month...we were really really careful that month becuase of our history ...plus DH has been studying every night and I go to bed so that I don't distract him. Anyway sex 2 times the entire month and we used protection. I go to call Ob last week and am SHOCKED when a pregnancy test comes back +.....No sleep for days and UBER stressed with a lot of tears, I have a repaired heart condition and have been admitted with all 3 kiddos, who is going to take care of 3 we currently have while I have to lay on my butt in hospital? We still don't know where we are going to fellowship yet, but know that it will be the month I would be due, blah blah blah. I started to bleed a little the next day and after seeing OB was told that it was a miscarriage, ..they suck!!! A LOT...so for the last week I have been crying about the baby that we won't have and really weren't planning on. DH is sweet and wonderful, but sooo doesn't get it. I finally talked to him last night (he hasn't been here when any of us have been awake for 6 days now) and his reply is that it was never a baby,. just a potential and why am I so upset, and I am doing this to myself and stop driving myself crazy...blah blah. Maybe I am crazy....at least now I know why I was so horrible about everything a few weeks ago....hormones.
Three of my really close friends are desperatly trying to have babies and have been for at least a year, I don't feel it is fair to talk to them about any of this and DH is bit useless on this front. I want to stop feeling guilty and upset, but haven't found the right path yet...maybe over Christmas.
Boys are excited about Christmas and baby is cute with the lights and "stuff" will be nice to spend some time with DH over the holidays, we need time to reconnect before the craziness of the final 6 months...I hope that I can be strong enough for all 5 of us....

Have decided that maybe I;m not crazy after all, just have a lot on my plate right now.
Am feeling a lot more at peace with the miscarriage situation. I spent some time soul searching and realized that guilt for not being excited about the baby was what I was struggling with. In some illogical part of my brain I was placing blame on myself for losing the baby. I know inmy head that I didn't cause it, but sometimes my heart tunes out.

I have been stressed about having to go back to work and leave the kiddos...shocking becuase I would never in a million years have guessed that I would want to do anything but my career (such as it is) anyway I suppose I can handle it for 5 months until we move wherever for DH's fellowship. I struggle though becuase we have almost 200,000 is debt now, so what difference would 5 months salary make? It is probably better anyway because it's gotta be hard for DH to study with the kiddos and I here. I worry that he feels so obligated to spend as much time with us as he can he won't spend enough time studying. I also think that he needs to do something (anything) for himself...he needs to go out with friends even once a month or go for a run or to the gym or whatever....he is always giving (I suppose I am too and what do I ever do for me? groceries, dishes, hah ha ) and it's got toget tiring after a while.
The baby woke up at 6:30 this morning screaming his head off, it was a new (and not so pleasant) cry...all 3 kids are coming down with something..YAY should be a fun weekend! It's actually supposed to be busy, but we'll have to see based on the munchkins. Tonight we are supposed to go to a black tie dinner party at one of my girlfriends houses which is nice becasue I find it easy to make DH's friends a priority and we NEED to have non medical people in our lives too, as a couple not just me. Tomorrow he will probably study while I do the mommy thing witht he big boys who just got their orange belts and the ceremony is tomorrow...DH will want to coem for sure. We have invited other friends over for a fondue tomorrow night as a joke Christmas dinner...I like this couple, but find him to be a bit of a chauvinist and disrespectful to her. She said that when they fight he threatens to leave her and move back where he is from...that would happen once in my house and that would be it!!! I can't/won't tolerate any kind of emotional manipulation...DH and I have only ever had one fight (3 weeks ago) and I said that "we deserve better than this life" blah blah...anyway DH barely spoke to me for over a week and even now things are still not quite "normal" he was devestated (I thought that he was a bit too sensetive about it) we really don't handle the fighting very well....don't get me wrong, we argue, but it never gets disrespectful. Anyway the male half of the couple coming over tomorrow is also very sarcastic, I hate nasty sarcasm and don't want my boys to think it is an acceptable form of communication and don't quite know the best way to approach the discussion with them...DH is pretty laid back about everything and thinks that it won't affect them negatively...hes probably right.
Sunday we have one of the fellows and his family coming over for brunch and then maybe a walk or something...super nice people and they are leaving to go back to the UK Jan 1st, he got a job!
So, I thought for some reason that it would be a good idea to make 5 Christmas stockings a week before Christmas....they are coming along well actually...beautiful green velveteen lightly quilted fabric...they are BIG!!! They will probably go to the kids waists..yikes! DH was shocked, but in our family growing up Santa brought us everything but one small gift which our parents gave us ...so we needed big stockings..DH was terrified about the size Anyway I need to find somewhere that monogramms today??? SHould be fun.
Well off to do the fun things like laundry and dishes while DS3 naps.

Ok, so only a few more sleeps until Santa comes, YAY!!!

DH is meeting with one of the medical companies this morning about sponsorship for fellowship...I was 100% dead set against it initally, but am maybe coming around a little bit now. reading some of the posts on line this week about drug companies etc has actually helped a lot. DH has more integrity and morals than anyone else I know and he is sure that he will use whatever product is best for the particular patiens regardless of who gave him what. I amstarting to get excited about fellowship, but would really like to know where we will be going....so would the boys. We met a great couple who are moving back to the UK and they did residency and fellowship in the UK and Edinburgh..those are 2 of the offers we have and would be my first choices...we both have UK passports as well as CDN so I could work if I want to (don't imagine that I will though) Pete and Markie will most likely need a lot of mommy those first few months for sure. We are one of the lucky ones who has never had to move yet...DH did undergrad, med school and residency all here.
I'm so PO;d at the post ofice right now, just got back and they sent my secret santa gift back becuase I didn't properly declare nuts....seriously!!! I did say that there was food (some homemade truffles) anyway I just ordered soemthing from the US to avoid any issues, but now it's not personal at all...shame on my government!!!
I think that I am dealing with the miscarriage OK, but now have it stuck in my head that I want another baby, now! DH and I talked last night (as he was starting to snore) and we agreed that it's probably better to wait, but I don't want a huge gap in between DS3....more thought needed me thinks.
DH is off now for 6 whole days for Christmas (other than rounding) YAY, it will be so great to have time as a family and guess what!!! We are going on a DATE tonight...actually just going to a movie to watch Casino Royale, but still time to cuddle.
Finally finished all 5 gigantic stockings I made for Christmas, I was pretty proud actually and am giving myself credit. (this is something I never do and am making an effort to start) will post a pic if I can figure out how.
Oh yeah, I am supposed to go back to work Feb 5th, we worked out that daycare was going to be 1300 dollars a month(900 for baby, 400 for bigboys after school) and work won't put me in territory becuase we are moving so there will be zero $$$ in commissions (I used to make ALL of our money in commissions) anyway I would have been going to work at a job I hate to walk away with 200/week....sooo YAY I'm going to get to stay home with the munchkins !!!!! Nothing could have made me happier for Christmas!
Off to try to get a quick shower while the baby naps and they boys are playong outside in the backyard!

Christmas....UGH!!!
I agreed to go to the IL's for Christmas...what the hell was I thinking??? packing up 3 kids and ALL of the gifts for everyone was bad enough, but the BIL and SIl were both there, the 2 dementia grannies, the creepy auntie who has eye troubles (they go in very different directions) and is uber wierd (she told everyone at SIL's wedding that the reason DH married me was becuase I looked so much like his sister)....trust me there is no flowers in the attic stuff there, the equally creepy great uncle and the MIL and FIL.....enough said!!!!! we rushed Christmas eve to see my family, rushed to pack up the gifts, rushed the drive there (and hour and a half at 8:00 at night with 3 tired,but very excited kidlets) rushed Christmas morrning, except that they have the everyone opens one gift at a time (which is great unless it takes 5 hours to do) the baby couldn't nap because they were all so bloody loud and it goes on and on....by Boxing day I would poked my eyeballs out if I didn't have an excuse to leave....Oh yeah as I'm leaving (with all 3 kids and ALLL of the presents) it starts to rain, the freezing kind!!!! It was the worst Christmas ever, but DH was great and I LOVED having time with him....we are going to take the big boys to a movie this afternoon and then we will see him sometime in June after his exam....Yay, the thought of it all being finished it wonderful, I can't wait...I think??? I just hope that I'm not building up unreasonable expectations about life after residency...
I was super proud of the boys through the holidays, they couldn't have been better...
well off to change a nasty daiper and the munchkin is trying to eat the computer cord

So DH is gone back to work now...he actually went back yesterday, but it was a great day for call! He was in the OR until about 1:00 and there last case was cancelled (not enough beds in recovery) so he got home at 3:00 and only had a few pages in the night...he was so sweet he insisted on getting up with the baby at 2:30 am...he usually does, but I alwaysoverride him when he's on call.
Am going to take the big boys skating this afternoon to get them out of the house, but not sure what to do with the muchkin, am afraid that it might be too cold in the rink.
It was great (more like necessary) to have the opportunity to reconnect with DH over the holidays. I think it might even have been enough to "get us through" the next 5 months and final exams. UGH, I want to go into it with a positive attitude, but Grrr I think I know how crappy it is going to be. I'm fine (but sad) when DH isn't around and am capable of handling everything here. The most challenging part of it will be when DH starts to "withdraw" and become distant..I never get used to it and always take it personally..need to remember that it's NOT me. He is usually sooo loving and attentive that when he doesn't have it in him, I get antsy and nit picky...I will have to make a concious effort when I begin to feel this way to rethink why I am being an a**.
Am a bit bothered about something regarding to his parents..I suppose it was a matter of time until they did something annoying, but hate any kind of discontent. Christmas was horrible at his parents house, not their fault, but still. I suppose that I might have been a tad bit stressed, didn't say or do anything rude though. So when I left Boxing day (with all 3 kids and all of the presents) it started to freezing rain and I was bit pissy with DH (I was mad that he was going to let me drive 1.5 hours by myself with the kiddos) not anything much but just a little snappy. Ever since then they have been cold when I have spoken with them. 2 nights ago they called DH's cell phone, but he didn't answer it and they didn't call the house. So DH tells me last night that they have to drop off a letter and some other things for him. Problem is that DH is on call so that means that I need to be the one here...so why then I ask myself wouldn't they call me to arrange me being home...no time is given so I guess that means to just stay here??? I called this morning to ask them what time they would be here and they said around 1:30...still annoyed me that they didn't even call me and then I was expected to just be around. Yep I'm overreacting I'm sure!!!

And so it begins...the crazy studying!
I don't know why I dread the next 5 months so much, it's not like I haven't seen it coming. I think it might be because DH is NOT a studier, at all. Normally he can get away with reading 1 night a week so when he';s not at the hospital, he's all here. He always helps with the munchkins, dinner, dishes and anything else that needs to be done...no questions asked and with a smile. He's not stresed yet and Christmas was great, but I know it's just a matter of time. I NEED to make sure that on the days I feel lost and alone (not to mention stressed and confused) in the coming months I re read this blog....I love my husband to pieces and there has never been any question about him being my soulmate. He is attentive and sweet and my best friend...5 months are just a drop in the bucket and nothing in the grand scheme of things.
We had a family meeting last night with the big boys about DH needing to study and that he will be missing some things in the next few months. They were so incredibly sweet, they both offered to ask him questions like we do for their spelling tests...which brings me to quizzing him...I can't pronounce half of the words and feel like an idiot Why can't they name muscles and tendons "apple" or something Grrrr. I took medical terminology in 1st year university when I thoguht I might like to do medicine so that helps.
One of the 1st year residents wives just had a baby and she is really sweet...I am going to visit her this afternoon and looking forward to it. I can't believe it's almost a year since DS3 was born....
Ok, so I am totally a rambler, not used to seeing my thoughts on computer and never re read them in my journal, YIKES
Better go shower while the kiddo is still sleeping or it's another showerless day for me.

Yesterday sucked....sucked sucked sucked!!!!!
I had to go to the dentist yesterday am and it was ...well the dentist. I'm NOT a fan and came home with a brutal headache.
I got a final notice tax bill from the freaking Cdn gov't..UGH.
I hadn't filed for the last year because Iknow that I am going to owe them and as ridiculous as it sounds I hoped it would just filter for a year and then we could pay it during Dh's second fellowship. How Stupid of me to think that the govt would wait for thier stinking money. Although the years they owed me they were fine to wait 15 months!!! Anyway they reassesed their own assessment (WTF?) and it came back higher by over $3000.00, so now they say I owe them almost 6000 for 2004 and double that for 2005. Once I show them recpts it will total close to 7,000 plus 1200 interest. Grrr. I will have paid then 57% of my salary by the time it is said and done. I have already paid over 30,000 dollars..and for what??? We haven't even paid the rent yet and now have to take a loan to pay this bill....they want a minimum of 765/month and then interest will be crazy, they charge 33% interest...gross. We had just decided that Iwould stay home not go back to work becuase between taxes and daycare I would make 10.00/day. Now who knows???
Topped last nght off with a migraine and went to bed when DH got home at 7:45pm.
I feel better this morning, but am still bitter at the tax bill...can you tell?

Kids....great
DH......wonderful
Cdn govt....(*^%&*%

Can't even type more about it becuase I feel an anxiety attack coming on...

It was a great weekend...went to the theatre with one of the other "ortho wives" it was a great time. I'm really going to miss them all next year when we move for fellowship. We have become a pretty tight knit group of wives, it's nice now although I used to feel a tinsy bit like a stalker/loser in the beginning...thank goodness I seem to have pretty thick skin and can take rejection a bit.

I think that my problem is that I speak before thinking and don't have a great filter...trying really hard to work on this one.

Saturday am DH came to swimming lessons with the baby and I, SOO fun! Then I went to the spa and had a mani, pedi and massage. It was a gift certificate he gave me for mother's day and what better time to use it than on my BD weekend? I got home and DH had cleaned the entire house, bought me a new outift and cooked me fancy lobster dinner. He had invited a ton of our friends over for drinks and party...great fun!
Sunday he gave me a workout outfit for the gym and an ipod nano. Then we had Xander's BD party...he was so cute with the cake! It was amazing and probably the last time that we will get to spend that much time together for a bit. I tried to cherish every minute of it...I feel guilty, like he is trying to make me happy, but he needs to be studying..then I tell myself that he is a grown up and doesn't need me to tell him when to study. He is studying with the other guys in his year Monday nights and Thursday nights and then 1 more night through the week....I need to trust him!

My poor baby is sick...and on his BD too!
We have been incredibly lucky that neither one of the big boys have ever been sick with even the flu...good thing too, I'm a neurotic worrier about the munchkins!

Off to read to the big boys and then tuck them in bed....

So I have been managing to get to the gym every day for the last two weeks AND eating super carefully ( my friend is the mgr of LA weight loss and did a plan for me ) anyway my goal was to lose 20 lbs by September....do able I thought because I really don't even care about the number on the scale I just want to fit into my size 8 clothes again. It's now been 3 weeks and I have gained 3 pounds WTF??? I'm telling myself it's muscle

Fellowship is fast approaching and we still haven't confirmed the first one yet. We know that the second is in TO, but man I wish we could settle the first one....OK I'm being too patient, I wish DH would get his act together and take care of things. He is so amazing and I love and respect and admire him more than anyone...I can't say enough nice things about him (neither can anyone else for that matter UGH) but he is SUPER DUPER disorganized in "real life"(the part of life where I take care of everything) Oh yah, he's really messy too! I have to try to figure out why he is like this so that hopefully our boys will be a tinsy bit better in these areas. Not off to a great start considering DS1 forgets his homework every other day! BOYS.....
DS3 had to get his 1 yr needles yesterday, 4 of them...YIKES. He did really well though. He cried harder when I passed him to the Dr to weigh him than for the needle. I am looking forward to the "I only want mommy and NO ONE else" stage to pass. Poor DH, it crushes him.
Better go change the terribly foul diaper I now smell....

Grrr another late night...Dh is practicing for oral boards and probably won't get home until 11:00 or later. He was studying last night and before that was away at a conference in Whistler...I'm surpisingly Ok with it all..maybe because I know that there is no other choice. I can't wait until the final exams are done though. The big boysa re great and being sweet about it all. I asked Mark yesterday what he thought we should do for Valentine's day and he said that DH and I should have a "lovey picnic" on the living room floor while he and Peter watch Xander....sooo cute!

Have been going to the gym every morning and have a great routine now...stil pretty piss*( about the fact that I keep gaining weight, but I think that things are fitting better so it might be muscle....

Last night was great....poor DS3 still has a fever and although he is better than he was still not in a good place! Last Thursday while DH was away at a course in Whistler DS3 woke up at 3:00 am with a fever of 104 and then proceeded to have febrile seizures (I had NO idea what was happening) anyway with some Tylenol he seemed bettter...next morning he was fine until late afternoon when it started again. I took him in to see hte Dr and his fever was 104.3 and he had a seizure in the office...turned out that he had a horrible ear infection and it was so bad that we have to have his hearing checked ...Very stressful week and of course DH wasn't here! I took him in again last night becuase he has been soo cranky for the last few days...his ear is almost better, but is cutting 3 teeth. I was relieved to hear it.

The boys and I are so lucky to have DH...I feel grateful that after this many years I still love and admire him more than anyone else in the world. He is an amazing husband, dad and Dr. He seems to balance everything better than anyone else I know. Must be his super laid back nature. He was so sweet on Valentine's day...he bought me homemade chocolates from a lady at the hospital and the proceeds go to the Childrens Wish foundation...plus he brought me roses and apologized for doing so...super cute! He knows how I feel about roses in general (kind of feel like they belong at funerals) and Valentine's day seems worse considering what happens with the prices...he just wanted to do something traditional and beautiful one time

We cuddled and watched Grey's Anatomy last night...he wasn't even annoying and telling me what was unrealistic and/or wrong! I asked him ortho questions after, but can barely pronounce half of the words so I doubt that I was really that helpful.

We invited friends over for dinner (her BD) and DH is going to take the night off from studying YAY!!! Better go clean up, pretty messy right now....

I need to start this entry with a great big URGGGGHHHHHH!
DH and I sat down last night and tried to firm out fellowship details. It seems that we are now going to do 3 instead of 2...the time will be the same but it will mean an extra move (BIG one) not only will be live in 3 different continents in 3 years, he will have no time in between so I am on my own in the flying/setting up with the 3 kiddos. I know he feels bad so I didn't show how overwhelmed I felt. I am a bit worried about the boys too....I will probably have to homeschool for 6 months and quite frankly that terrifies me. I worry about them in general as well...they have a ton of great friends here, LOVE their karate, sing in an honor choir and swim competitively..I know they will be fine in the end. maybe it's really me who is scared? I have always lived here and have always been surrounded by friends and family????
Gotta run, screaming babe

OMG I have been awful at posting in my blog!
I think that I have been waging a bit of a battle with depression, but am not really sure...I have never suffered from it before,but I haven't been my usual self. Uber pressure about Mike's final exams and he has been lucky to be home for dinner once a week. I find it hard to keep being happy and upbeat, he is exhausted and entirely disconnected The boys are great and oh so easy, but I feel that I have been really unfair to them in all of this. They had so much of my attention for so log The baby has turned into this crazy, busy demanding person who requires every second of every day. The poor boys have been forced to take a backseat. I think that if we were staying I might consider getting a part time job just to see other grown ups. It would help to keep the lonlies at bay. I have been sleeping terribly and am exhausted in the morning...that's somewhat new. I also only want to eat crappy foods which is also new (I suffer from normal cravings usually, but not in these quantities) I stopped going to the gym 2 weeks ago. I was so pissed off that I had been going for 3 months faithfully and eating SUPER carefully and didn't even lose 1 pound! GRRRR

So now that I recognize the issue, I had my blood checked (thyroid was WAYYY off) started again at the gym and am forcing myself to plan to do things with friends. I can't wait until this crap (being 2 months until boards) is done.....

On a happier note we have finalized moving to Australia in June and will be there for 11 months, then on to Itlay for a month and then Toronto for a year. Hmmmm, somthing tells me that I already wrote that?

Poor Markie had his tonsils and adenoids removed last week and after an unberable hospital stay (and only 2 nights there) he is starting to feel a tinsy bit better. I was shocked at the mother in the room next to us...so much so that I caused a bit of a scene by "mentioning' it to the head nuse. The little girl was 11 and had refused to drink at home so she had to be re admitted. The mom was yelling and swearing (really!) at her and was so mean that when Mark heard her, he started to cry and kept asking me why mommies would do that. It broke my heart and I had to make sure that it was dealt with. I think that DH was worried (but agreed we had to do something) about the sit as it is the hospital he work at.

Seeing that I managed to figure out how to post photos I think that to prove to Ladybug that I have 3 kidlets I shall try to post one.

DH is gone to a peds review in Montreal for 5 days and so I have a TV all to myself (this is me trying to look at the bright side of things) I rented "Daughters of Afghanistan" heard it was good, but disturbing...just what I need

Off to eat my fav Mocha yogurt and try not to be too lonely!

The baby and I a few months ago


Xander at 11 months


Markie post tonsil and adenoid fairy visit


The older parts of the fam

Ok, so DH is gone to Calgary for his final review and everything goes to hell! Seriously, I just don't get it...when he's here he's so sweet and will help whenever I need him to (not very often though) but the second he gets on th pllan, POOF!

I got maybe an hour of sleep last night and am too tired to even cry right now (but that's about all I feel like doing) poor muffin is teething and has a nasty diaper rash and can't seem to sleep...I'm spoiled with him and the sleeping. The big boys were as slow as molassas this morning and I was so tired and frusterated I yelled at Pete (I never yell, in fact he literally jumped....this led to me feeling like the worst parent on the planet) and it's snowing..again! For pity's sake it's April already. Oh yah, I have a brutal UTI too...my back aches and head aches and I have a fever of 102 and boo hoo for me. I want my hunny back and I want cuddles and him to rub my hair! (yep, I sound like one of the kiddos)

And then there was the lady at Starbucks this morning who royally made my day. First she looked at Xander and told me how completly adorbale he was...Ok so far! Next she felt the need to comment on how HUGE he was (not too inappropriate, he is 29 lbs and wearing a size 3 at 14.5 months) it went right to the jugular from there though..."oh, I see he STILL has a bottle" (it was in the diaper bag) I kind of did my little speech about kids finding comfort whereever they need to and that being OK. So at this point, I haven't slept, he hasn't slept..we are both tired and cranky (plus my girlfriend who I was meeting for coffee was 20 minutes late) and he is squirming to get down from my lap. It's then she says in a LOUD voice "Oh my heavens he CAN"T walk yet!" Like he is a terrible leper with the skin rotting off of his face..at this point I was PO'd and said nope, but we still love him anyway and promptly burst into tears. As the conversation had occured Xander had been chewing on his favourite pumpkin loaf..... he now chose this moment to spit it out (totally chewed up) onto the table ... she took off in a hurry.

All in all a pretty crappy morning!

Tomorrow HAS to be better .......

Ok, so exactly 1 week from now.....DH will be finished the first of the 3 final board exams!!! YIPPEEEEEE

Things are OK here although I feel that it has all been a little too sane so far. DH hasn't shown one bit of stress yet and is still as amazing as ever! Takes time to play with the boys (itsy bitsy amounts,but still) and cuddle me

I am a little frazzled with the selling of furniture (except the stuff we "need" until June) trying to find a place to live, schoolsfor the kids, banking, tickets, etc etc. It still feels fun and happy so OK

Baby is sick AGAIN GRRRR, what I wouldn't give for a full nights sleep. Somewhere over the rainbow...they sleep

I am going to take the kiddos to the IL's this weekend so DH will have the house to himself...

Off to try to catch some zzzzz's before the monster wakes up snuffling and coughing!

Kisses to my sweetie (can you tell how proud of him I am, sickening huh?)
who will be up until 1:00 or so (and still gets up at 6:30 with babe so that I can sleep until 8:00 (after being up in the night) Ahhhh all is well...did I truly just put that on paper??? Tomorrow I will be writing that all hell broke loose....YIKES