Color of the day

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And my wall hanging is coming along. Hello hand sewing beads and little petals takes.... forever.... I'm oh only like 48 hours of straight sewing (or more) from being done... I think.







The petals were hand painted, the design is mine, and it is quite the labor of love, and I'm having a blast!

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It is now officially old. This embarkment on our "new life", called residency, I'm done with it. I'm am so done with it. But what do you do with something that is so hard, and then suck up another several years? I ... have ... no ... clue. Tomorrow, I was sappose to have a dinner w/my house with people from a club I've been in since we moved. No one is coming from the club, other than the gal who heads the club, and someone I've gotten to know some from my church. But I'm not even sure she is coming. This trying to make new friends bit isn't working. If fact if feels even more like a failure when I see people I've tried to connect with. And you know what really hits me in the gut? I put off leaving one night early to come home, so I didn't have to cancel the dinner. I could have had a little more time with my family, but I put it off for a night that was sappose to be fun. The kids and I are going home for the first time on saturday, and it is going to take every ounce of my being to get back on that plane and come back here. I am done with this, I want this over. I'm so glad I can support my husbands dream, but right now I feel like I'm just about one thread from really losing it. I hate having to fake being ok with this, I'm not anymore, I am not. It takes everything I can to hear someone tell me they miss me, cause I have to bite my cheek to keep my emotions in check for the moment so I don't break down. I can't break down, it's not good for anyone. But I'm kinda at that point where it is getting harder to conceal. And worse, I'm starting to resent deeply this whole experiance called medicine. I want out. eta, out of training, not my marriage, just wanted to clarify.

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So if you don't like something, change it. We are leaving tomorrow morning, and no penalty for changing flights, which made me happy. So I guess I need a hall pass.

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I went home last weekend, for the first time, and am off to Texas on tuesday with the kids. It's nice to get out, see people, and yet hard. I'm in an emotionally unstable place right now, and am fighting, and I mean fighting the feelings of just letting it all go to hell in a handbasket. This emotional ride I'm on, isn't me, and I feel offended at myself if truth be known, for being so weak and letting myself get so unglued. I've decided to fight harder, and really try - even maybe force? happiness. I know that's a clique but I'm trying to say, I'm gonna make something good, and push away the underlining unhappiness. I think therapitcally it is helpful, I think. I'm trying to deny my emotions, and push forward. Is this the way to do it? I have no clue, but the weeping woman, that woman, has to go away. Today was another failed attempt to meet up with some women at a movie therater, whom are also married to other residents but I had never met before other than a quick passing by. It was rather pointless, as they got there late, and seemed to want to leave afterwards, so I didn't even talk to them other than "Hello I'm Julie." All these attmepts to meet people, seem useless. And almost six months, of being here, it seems even more bleak to me, even more lonely, even more of a failure, even more - everything. But I refuse to give up, I have to get "me" back. Then again, I feel like what's the use of trying, I just waist time I could just be reading a book.

We had a good week though as a family. As I have decided to push for happy moments, we did achieve some. We had a dinner at a beautiful, and almost seemingly abandoned park. I made chili and we ate it, looking at all the golden oaks. DH put up christmas lights on the house, our first house, and it looks wonderful. Then I did what I said I wouldn't - I did another house project. I felt bad about leaving DH for Thanksgiving, even though he is working. So, I painted our bedroom while DH was on call (to surprise him), and decorated it, stayed up to 3 a.m. to get it done before he got home. He really wanted pictures up in the room, but I didn't want mess with it since we were going to paint it, so I felt it was time for us to have "our" space. Needless to say, he was indeed surprised, and he really liked it And today I made our first Thanksgiving dinner in our new home. We had all the fixings, and as I love to cook, it wasn't stressful to be in the kitchen for hours, it was theraputic. It is real enjoyment for me. So under lit candles we had our feast. I made sure there was enough for DH to have food while we are gone.

So all in all, things are good, but I'm in the mean time really searching for the good. Seek and ye shall find.

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So I already posted part of this in the health/fitness area, but I'm really trying to grap onto the positives, and focus on those to try to keep myself from getting to overwhelmed about residency:

Another positive, I had a nice Thanksgiving visit with my IL's - yep, I get along great with them! I know, I know, I'm really not trying to gloat My SIL got me a friends and family pass to Old Navy and I got some hot jeans (a little tighter than I would have bought, but I was talked into them by my SIL and MIL... so that's my excuse if anyone should say anything LOL) that actually fit (a BIG feat for me, they never fit completely right) , and a wool coat , peacoat style - very cute! I had no nice winter coat, I feel stupid in a ski jacket and a nice dress underneath! And... my parents gave DH and I some cash for Christmas to put towards a trip on our anniversary in February! We are so, so, soooo greatful, we really need to get away and get just some time to ourselves. The last time that truly happened was 3 years ago. We did do a side trip after one of DH's interviews last year, but we were to stressed about the match and all to 1. think of much else and 2. to really let our hair down and relax. So I'm excited to start planning our trip!

So I've found my one "me" thing since we moved - spinning. I never got to do it before because the gym we went to (which was really inexpensive), didn't include classes w/the membership. Now just the kids and I have a membership to the YMCA, and I ***heart*** the spin classes! So whenever I'm pissed about a schedule issue, I just tear up that bike harder

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I got my first doll dress up on Etsy for sale http://www.ColorWithStitches.etsy.com

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Another week gone by in the seasonal whirlwind called December. Good things to report though I got to have time to be creative, and made a journal for a baby shower, made another dress for my etsy account - http://www.ColorWithStitches.etsy.com Next I've got some hemming to do, and some curtains to make. DH and I went on a date, and had some yummy Indian food the Lily recommended. Needless to say, my own search for a coffee/dessert place didn't do so well - we passed by and decided it didn't look like a date spot - so LOL picked up the kids, got dessert at the grocery store, put the kids down, and shared it over wine. My grandma has her birthday today - 89! She is the only real mother figure I've had, I spent most of my happy moments as a child in my grandparents home. When my dad was a single parent, my grandma watched me, cared for me, taught me love in her very tender care. I hate being away from her, and not being able to hug her on her birthday. She sends me this very touching e-mails on how she misses me, and it kills me to the core. My grandpa is 93, and has prostate cancer. His health is really going down. He stopped treatments earlier in the year, but is bleeding so bad that he is going back under surgery next week - and at his age, the risk of him not making it out of the OR is very high. But if he doesn't do the surgury the blood will pool and well... anyway not good. Regardless he will not live much longer, and it pains me to be away from my family in such a time of need, and precious time left together. This will kill my grandma when he passes, they have been married for close to 60 years. I worry that it will literally kill her. Ok enough sad stuff I said there were good things about this week.

So here is the journal I made:

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YEAH, I talked to the principal, and she said as long as I kept things confidential, I could talk to the Special Ed teacher for the inclusionary kindergarten class about volunteering in her class. I just got done talking to her for over an hour, and she is so sweet and excited for me to help! This is something I've been looking to do for YEARS now, and FINALLY I get to do it. I can't tell you how silly excited I am!!! This to me starts the REAL beginning, the first marker of my education!!! Now I just have to wait until the fall 08 class list comes out to sign up for my first classes since... 2001 ( Lord, please help me learn how to study again!)

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Seven times. That is how many times my daughter threw up between 10 pm and 3 am. And... I went threw almost every towel that was clean for her to throw up on. Poor thing was terrified of the vomit and was totally out of it. Let me tell you, washing your daughter - twice - in the middle of the night to get vomit out of her hair - sucks. DH was working 7p-7a. I had her sleep with me, cause I knew she would absolutely lose it if I left her in our room to clean up her bed that was totally covered. I can't tell you how grossed out it made me knowing that stuff was sitting in her room, but was is a mama alone to do? So after a night of very little sleep, she just couldn't settle down well - at all and woke up frequently crying - what did I have to do? Leave DD w/DH in our bed (with fresh linens ) with her parent - Elmo - so I could take DS to school. Oh what else sucked? That day she lost Meow Meow (her total lovie and absolute best friend) and I called the school and Kohls - the only places we went - all day to see if he is found, as I didn't realize we didn't have him till we got home. So there is my poor baby, vomitting in the middle of the night, begging for Meow Meow - and I am feeling like the worst mama in the world for not keeping track of her best friend, and she really needed him last night... sigh. I called Kohls for the what eighth time this morning and THEY HAD HIM!!! I left Elmo, oh and dad, to watch over DD as I ran DS to school and picked up Meow Meow. By the time I came home the video was just over, and there was DD banging and screaming on the door for me, and DH was out like a zombie, poor guy was ooouuuutttt. Good news, she is better today, happy to have Meow Meow again and... I am having my well deserved glass of wine, alone of course, but hey things are looking up so, cheers

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Well it's been a while since I've updated... so here's what I've been up to

My DS had his sixth birthday in March. We had a space party. I went... overboard, which I am cursed to always do LOL. I made planets and hung them up all over. I made the kids a space ship to play in, which I didn't get pics of until they damaged it some, all in fun of course We had a rocket pinata, and played various games, including those rockets you jump on that shoot up like 200+ feet in the air - BIG HIT.

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more of the party

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Then I made my sister a purse for her birthday. It's a Amy Butler pattern, called the Frenchy Bag
made with Heather Baily's fabric Fresh Cut, and ... get this the brown is a cut up linen table clothe. I don't like to waist any good fabric!

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My next find was not fabric, but a wall hanging. I've been looking for over a year for the right thing to put under my shelf. This shelf is where I can change decor for the seasons, and I love playing with what is up there. So at the fab antique shop that it is encouraged to haggle - MY kind of shop, I got this metal wall hanging for $13. Then I found some old glass door knobs there too which I used to hang it up with. They were $2 each - my decoration $15+ tax I love it, the metal is brushed with blue, though you can't really see it. That makes it look really good with the blue walls, or at least I think it looks good

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Then for Mother's Day I made the grandma's sachets to put rice packs into. I used April Cornell fabric, which is their style. I added this fun fabric with words like family, retreat, harmony which I though was fitting.