the blah-g. until something exciting happens in my life....

I am starting this blog because I want to document this journey that I'm just beginning, I want to see if there's any change in my SO over time, and mostly I want to see how my own attitudes change over time.

Right now, I'm happy. Optimistic. I'm thrilled to begin a life with my SO. I'm strictly positive right now, and can't comprehend in my little head how life can bring me down in the gutters.

I'm head over heels in love. I wonder daily, what I did to deserve such an amazing man in my life.

You know when you're a little kid and at a sleepover at your best friend's house, and you're in the sleeping bag on the floor and you talk about who your dream guy is? Well, back in 6th grade, my dream guy was a blonde skateboarder with a bowl cut hairdo, who looked like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and would hold my hand and would pass me notes in class. Ten years later- my dream man is tall, dark and handsome, a cultured world traveler who loves to wine, dine, and shop but most importantly, above all, has God in his life and has a heart of pure gold. And this man loves me and considers himself to be blessed for having me in his life. It just blows my mind.

I also want to remember why I fell in love, why I want to be with him forever, why he gives me this euphoric feeling that I'm the luckiest girl. I want to be one of the "lucky" ones with the strong, successful, loving affectionate marriage although I know marriage has nothing to do with love but more with hard work, patience, communication, and support. So no matter how bad things might get, I want to look back and remind myself.

And I do want to work hard. I want to be a better person. I want to stay in shape, stay healthy, learn more, be the best mother I can be to his children. I want to be the best wife, keep the passion, I want to hold his hand even when we're both silver haired.

Life is not meant to be easy. Things will be hard. I can barely take care of myself right now and one day, god willing, I'll have a clan of mini-me's to raise and help shape into well adjusted little people. I just don't know what the future will bring, but I do know that I am blessed and lucky to have all that I do. I know the horrors of this world, I know what goes on a daily basis, and as long as I have my family, my lover, and a home, safe, warm, and very well fed (I love my food!) then everything is ok!

So, I'm a naive, lost, confused just graduated 23 y.o. dating a PGY-1 in general surgery who eventually wants to do plastics/reconstructive surgery. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my own life, but at least I have one thing figured out: my SO.

So far, so good! Let's see what happens!

Disclaimer: I know there are other people who are having a really, really difficult time in their lives. Whatever I say is not a slam against another person; I don't think I'm stronger, better, or that my relationship is better.

What I am saying, is how I feel at this point in my life. I will be candid and honest.

This is a documentation to see how residency will affect me and my life over time.

Dear SO:

I'm not very good at expressing things in a eloquent and precise manner, so I'll just keep this short and simple. This was another thing on my mind, after the mining conversation we had yesterday. I said that the trapped miners probably had to mine because they couldn't get other work, and you realized that you really are lucky. I wasn't myself yesterday because I had lots on my mind.

So here goes nothin:

Over the past few things, a few things happened and I came upon a few realizations. Naturally, I matured. I grew up, got a little smarter, my eyes opened up and I finally understood. I achieved a gratitude that will remain with me for the rest of my life. Being away from home, I realized how much I really have. I've never been to a third-world country (I think I would be blown away), but naturally I am also an immensely compassionate person, so it's easy for me to empathize with those who have little. I know how people's generosity feels and I want to pass that on to others (but, since I'm poor, I can't really). I also know what hard work is, because I see it in my parents every day. There are days that my dad is so sleep deprived that his head is dizzy and all he thinks about is sleep- but he has to work. When he has to wake up at 10:30pm, we turn on the lights and he gets up. He sits on the stairs for a little while and holds his head. He works overnight in probably 90degree temperature. They have fans, but he says it's just hot air blowing around. My dad is getting older, but he will work hard until he's 65- only then he can retire. And here's the thing- he will always make measly pay. His job will never have any prestige. His conditions will never get better.

So I sympathize with you that you have to work hard. I really truly do. I'm proud that you've worked so damn hard to get to where you are. I want to and will help you in any way that I can. I am supportive and flexible and understanding. I will never be mad that you're tired, or want to nap, or that you can't go out. I'm not resentful, I certainly don't see myself becoming bitter ever. SO, you have endless potential. This is not a fun time in your life, but it's only for a few years. You have such potential and opportunity for so much growth it's insane. You will be making a difference in people's lives! There are people out there who work the lowest of the lowest and mind numbing jobs because of their circumstances. Even the elderly gentleman who talked my ear off while I worked- he's 65 and poor because he watched over his dying dad for years. Now, he has to find a job and applied at Dick's sporting goods. He doesn't care what he does, he'll sweep their floors. And it just makes me sad because some people who are born into better families, in richer countries, who are smarter, who have better opportunities, will never have to do that kind of work. Cleaning toilets, houses, hotel rooms, sweeping floors, mining even- anything to make a living and support themselves and their families. My dad is a cog in the machine- that's it. He's not doing anything meaningful, he's not doing what he loves, his employers don't care about him (they're opening up another factory overseas for cheaper labor so his job security is compromised), and he has to do it because he has to support us. So my heart just aches because I wish I could make his life a little easier. Despite this, I know how lucky we are and I'm grateful for that. We have it GOOD compared to other families.

One thing that I have learned about myself over the past few years, is that fundamentally I am an optimistic person. Things don't really get to me, I don't find many situations to be dire, I just don't find things to be "big deals." My point is, that things aren't really that bad, and compared to what is going on in this world, things will never be 'that bad'. That doesn't mean your grueling schedule is any less valid- I will never know the life of a resident, I don't know how you feel at work, I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes and I never will. So I hope you don't think I'm insensitive, because actually I'm super sensitive (I'm totally being super-girl right now and I know it), and I do care about how you feel and want to do what I can to lessen whatever bad things you feel.

Um, so I think that's it. You can complain all you want to me. I will still love you and try to understand you, but I think you're one of the luckiest guys I know- so I will sympathize (really!) but where I come from, I know how blessed you really are and I hope you don't forget.

Kare

I wrote that email to my SO because I had so much on my mind that particular evening. We spent the whole day with his parents look for a car- since he was in an accident and rolled and totalled his little Accord. How he escaped the crushed vehicle without a scratch is beyond me. GOD is truly watching over him. So it was a long day driving from dealership to dealership, and his mom told me about the miners trapped underground, probably with no hope for survival. And I thought, what if that was your dad? Or husband? Brother? Fiance? Because to someone, it is. And the sad part, is that for some of those men, it was the only job they could get. And later on my SO says, "I was thinking about the miners conversation, and I realize I live a privelaged life. I'm not going to complain anymore." I wanted to cry.

It's the second month into residency. The first month things went very smoothly. Although he was on call every third day, we still got to spend lots of time together. I thought, "...is this it?? It's too good to be true, when is it going to bog us down?" Some days I didn't see him, but post call, we got to spend all day together. And some days, all we did was meet at the gym, work out, get food, then go our seperate ways.

This month however, I heard more complaints. He mentioned a few times about quitting (how serious he was, I do not know). He hates the rotation, he says he doesn't learn anything, he works 14 days in a row, he gets yelled at because by his superiors and older residents who are stressed out, bitter, tired. SO is such a kind and, I think, sensitive person that it was really getting to him. And you know what? We have a long damn road ahead of us. No one said this was easy. And as he said, "shit rolls downhills." So no one wants to be at the bottom of the hill.

I can't say I got tired of him complaining, because I support him 100%. I just wanted him to be reminded that he lives a privelaged life. He does. He has gifts and talents and he is doing what he loves. How many people would kill for that? So he complains because he works a lot- but he's a doctor. He's not working three shitty jobs just to pay the mortgage on his condo.

So I think what overall makes me a happier person, is having gratitude. I am so damn grateful that I have this beautiful person in my life. I am thankful that he appreciates me, listens to me, is nice to me. I think what helps is knowing how things can really be in my life- I'm not battered, beaten, homeless. And considering how my ex treated me- verbally, emotionally abusive, spitting in my face and kicking me out in the middle of the night, threatening to call the police on me if I didn't leave OUR apartment that we shared, throwing me down on the bed, swearing at me, screaming at me in fits of rage, bringing me down to be a depressed, pathetic little girl- I am grateful when my SO does even the smallest things for me. Because I know that he doesn't HAVE to but he DOES.

Re: the rest is still unwritten

:banghead:

Last night I locked my keys in my car. I left them in the ignition actually.

I was waiting in front of SO's condo for him to get back to the gym, and we were going to go grocery shopping to cook dinner together. I got so excited that he had arrived that I just jumped out of my car and shut the door, and as soon as I sat down in his car, I said wait. I did not just do that. Did I? I DID!

So we spent TWO HOURS literally, in the freezing cold trying everything- wedge my door open, fashion a hook out of a hanger, trying to get the handle, the power locks, called the cops, tried all doors. Who knew it was so difficult to break into a car? :huh:

Anyway, I felt AWFUL because I ruined our night and SO was stuck in the cold trying to fix my stupid mistake. I started to cry, but SO was so reassuring. He said I was being too hard on myself. He wouldn't quit, even when I wanted us to go inside. I said I'd pay for a towing service, but he wouldn't let me because it's so much money and he would keep trying. Eventually the police came and we called AAA and I got my keys.

So dinner was ruined, and I was really bummed. We didn't have much in the fridge but SO started to whip something up for us. He made us a grilled turkey sandwich, which we split because there wasn't enough turkey, and he cut me up some apples.

Even though he had to wake up at 4am, he never made me feel bad that he had to be up til 11pm . He never expressed resentment or anger that he had to be out in the cold for 2 hours. He even fed me and we drank tea together to warm ourselves up.

I just feel so blessed and so lucky to have him in my life. I cannot imagine living without him.

Re: the blah-g. (until something exciting happens in my life....

My mom just told me that my grandma in Poland fell and knocked her head on something when she was trying to get to bed. She was lying in her blood for three hours before someone got to her. The ambulance came and now she's in the hospital. My grandma's whole left side is bruised and she's very weak, and can barely talk. She's 88. My mom said that she has to prepare herself to go to Poland because she might get that "call" any day now.

I'm really sad about that. Sad that the next time my mom will see her mom will be at her funeral. Sad that the last time my mom went to visit, she had to say her goodbyes knowing that that's most likely the last time they'll ever embrace, smile, cry together. I can't imagine that.

I'm sad that I never knew my grandma. Sad that I only met her once. Sad that I'll never see her again.