blog is a funny word

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

Today is Mac's last day taking call for a month. The end of yet another rotation... And now he's starting ENT, which is what he's planning to spend his career in... We'll see how it goes.

Today is also, perhaps, the last nice day of the year. It's crisp, but it's not too cool. The kids are outside playing. They are throwing around the hopelessly broken outside toys that have yet to be thrown away. Junk is always so much more fun to play with than the new stuff.

Yesterday I think I got absolutely nothing done. Mac even took the kids to a park. And so what did I do? Laundry. I'm so lame. I have a million things I would like to do, but I just can't take the steps I need to take to be able to do these things. The only "work surface" I have is my kitchen table, which is kinda always being used for something. So, I would have to clear off the table, do my stuff, clean up my stuff, get dinner, clear off the table, get my stuff, do my stuff, etc., etc., etc. In my next home I'm going to have my own little (big) office space where I can set out my stuff and not have to clear it all away every 2 or 3 hours!

Then today we had church. This new church is just starting into a capital campaign. I understand it's necessary, and I'm happy that they are building a new church, but we just went through a capital campaign at our old church... I am tired of it. I can muster no enthusiasm... Oh well. I found it a little depressing when the preacher asked us to compare where we are in our lives to where we were growing up-- the assumption being that we are all wealthier than we were then. I grew up in a 6000 sq ft house with a swimming pool, my own bathroom, a rec room, and a kids' car. Also, my parents didn't want us kids to work because they wanted us to have free schedules for school work and extra curriculars. And those pesky vacations to Europe. Also, we didn't have to worry about paying for college- they had it covered. I'm not unhappy currently, but I fully realize that my kids and my husband and I will never have the same stuff I had growing up. That was my *pinnacle* of materialism, I suppose. So, the illustration fell flat for me. It would've meant something to Mac, I suppose, since he grew up in poverty and filth, but since he was working, I guess we'll never know. I did think it was telling that a couple of other ladies were laughing hysterically during that part of the sermon-- I guess they are not in a better *financial* place than during their childhood either. It was a bit odd to see them laughing and carrying on-- they were front and center. But, they regained composure after a while.

Anyway.... That was my day!

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

Yesterday.... was bad. Just bad. Can't we go through 1/7 of a week without someone getting grounded? Luke was driving me absolutely nuts with his baby obsession. I can not stand it anymore. He walks around the house saying, "I a baby." And if I call him by any other name, I get yelled at. "NO, I a BABY!". This has been going on for about 10 days, and yesterday I sort of lost it and told him that he is not a baby and that if he wants to be a baby he needs to go to have a nap because babies have naps all the time. And then he curled up in the fetal position. He's so sensitive, and I suck. I don't know what's wrong, or why he's being a bit "regressive" right now, but I just need to let him be. Most of the time I can do it, but it is like nails on a chalkboard to hear him whining that over and over.

Then the twins, which I also posted somewhere, are back at the stealing shenanigans. Enough already. They are barely 6, they do not get it, of course we don't condone dishonesty, but stop calling them thieves. They are not enjoying school this year. It is really sad. Tomorrow I go to volunteer in the classroom, which I haven't been able to do yet because of Luke's schedule. I am hoping to get some type of postive vibe from their teacher. So far I don't like her. I don't understand why she has all these treats and stuff out there within easy reach of the kids, and then they take stuff, and she flips out and lectures them on stealing. I don't know why she would leave things out. I just don't get it. The kids don't get it. Mac is no help.

Now for a only tangentially relevent story: This school is very quick to criminalize kids. I was shocked and concerned with Kate in 3rd grade when the teacher told me that she was a "bully". I researched it on line and talked to some child psychologists who told me that this was very serious, and that she may need to go to a special school. And, does she have any anger issues? Is she trying to hurt herself? Does she hurt animals? Small children? Well, after all this incredible stress and anxiety, the rest of the story came out. Three little pricks (boys) in her class decided to tell their moms that they were being bullied at school and were afraid to go to class. They were so clever. The moms called the teacher and told her that these 3 boys were so scared to go to school that they were crying and actually getting physically sick. The bully? My daughter Kate. Granted, she did not like these 3 boys and they did on occasion partake in annoying recess tattle taling games. And these boys did sometimes take her jacket from her and run around with it on the playground. And they did call Kate's friends names and make them cry, but Kate thought that she shouldn't tell on them because that was just lame. Anyway...

So when I was called into the conference with the teacher (a special conference- we're talking she was on the point of expulsion) about the bullying, the teacher told me it was 3 boys who made the accusation. I told the teacher that I would do what I could with Kate on my end. BTW, the teacher admitted that there was no physical abuse going on, Kate was just psychologically damaging these kids. Kate wracked her brain for about 3 hours trying to figure out whom she was bullying. She finally came up with a boy who may have thought Kate was bullying him. She had to line up behind him to walk to the cafeteria and what not (they have assigned places in line), and he would shuffle his feet so she sometimes would run into the back of his feet. The teacher saw her doing this and yelled at her for "kicking him". She seriously had no idea. So she went to school the next day and apologized to this boy, and told him that she hoped he was OK and that she was sorry he was so upset about her running into him, and that she'd be sure to stay at least 3 feet away from him. He looked at her like she was an alien. So, she said, aren't you the boy who complained about me? He was like, "whatever". It wasn't him. It was 3 other boys who were just playing a joke. Which someone with common sense would understand. But the school system doesn't allow for common sense. And certainly not among the ranks of teachers...

So, the point of that rambling story is that I'm not impressed anymore. You may call it stealing, I call it kids taking a tantalizing item that is right in front of them, ready to be admired up close. I call it developmentally appropriate. They need to learn that some things don't belong to them, and that they need to ask before helping themselves, but isn't there a better way? It is unrealistic for the teacher to ascribe an anti-social behavior (stealing) to 6-year olds when she is setting them up. Would you yell at your dog for taking the doggie treat without sitting first, if the doggie treat was put right in front of him and he wasn't even told "leave it" in the first place??? So, I don't care. She can call it stealing, but I'm not gonna play gestapo anymore. This school is just ridiculous with the "behavior" grading system anyway. Leave that stuff up to me, the responsible parent who actually gives a damn. But stop sending my kids to prison before they are even out of grade school. I'm so over it. What about the kid who last year brought cigarettes to school? And what about the one who constantly talked about his dad's gun? And what about the girl who didn't wear panties to school on the first day of fifth grade because she heard radio DJs talking about how "sexy" that was???? Why can't the school adress any of these idiot parents? My kids get to school on time, fully clothed, with lunches packed, and their homework done. They don't swear, they don't talk back to the teacher, and they don't tattle tale. And they aren't beloved at the school because they have opinions and they aren't little robots.

I knew Kate was screwed when in 2nd grade for the "I have a Dream" project she wrote: "I have a dream that one day all people will be Christians" and her teacher flipped out. "You know, Christianity isn't the only religion, and it's not even a major one." She seriously said that. Whatever. But Kate is made of strong stuff. She has "anti conformist" written all over her. Izzy is so sensitive and delicate. She needs more positive stuff. If she's being yelled at she will crumple up and suck her thumb and totally lose her confidence. I'm worried about her fledgling confidence being completely broken. I'm not exactly worried about Steven, but I would like him to respect his teachers. He is wicked smart. He can give you a calculating look that says, "I know what you are saying, but I think you are an idiot so I'm going to completely ignore you and anything you say to me in the future." He doesn't really aim to please, he writes people off. I think he would like his teacher to like him, but I don't think it would rock his world if she doesn't.

So, yesterday sucked. It didn't help that at the end of the day Kate wanted to use the computer, and I told her "no" because she has big exams on Wednesday, so she said "You Suck" to me. She got grounded for an extra week for that infraction, which she tried to tell me was a compliment. Yeah, thanks. I love those kinds of compliments. Nice try.

Life this year has been. so. complicated...

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

I just want to apologize to anyone who's toughed it out reading my rants. I'm sorry to be such a downer- really... I'm usually fairly level-headed and calm. And my kids are really happy- everyone tells me how well-balanced they are. They are normal, I just get sick of normal sometimes and wish for perfect! Ah.... Perfect....

This year has not gone as smoothly as I hoped, and coming from a place of perpetual low expectations that's saying something. Mac just isn't available, which is magnified by a sense of forebodance that he never will be. And that depresses me, because it is a lot to deal with. When I feel like I'm in the trenches of the mundane, and he comes home and wants to unload on me about a poor soldier who's been totally disfigured, and I just can't get past "kate said this" or "steven did that" to listen, I just feel.... less than functional. I hate being in survival mode, but there it is...

I will try to be upbeat, or at least to look for the positives!

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

I just got home after a day of errands (starting with "donuts for dads" with Luke's preschool class-- guess who played the role of "dad"?). Anyway, I checked my email and I had received a forwarded message from my dad written to my uncle about my grandpa's obituary... Ummmmm, ok, so I've called home like 5 times in the last week, no one has answered, they've been home from their European jaunt for about 1 week, and... I get a forwarded message. I would call my sis, but by the time she gets home from daycare etc, and with the time change, it's too late and I don't want to talk to anyone (DH included) after 10 pm.

But my Lord... If my dad can spend all that time to write my uncle and edit the obit, couldn't someone tell me if my grandpa is still alive? Or what is going on??? Grandpa is 91, he has alzheimers, and he was just a wonderful wonderful person. And I will go to his funeral and haul my entire crew up there to the Albany area, but I kinda need to know what's going on.

Ironically enough, yesterday I was thinking about what a different personality type I am from my parents and if that's a good thing or a bad thing. My mom is very much a "seething in silence passive aggressive" type of person. When she got mad, for instance, when I missed the school bus and she had to drive me, (read: get out of bed before 8 am), she would not say a single word to me the entire day. She would drive with unusually scary and jerky motions, and continue the silent treatment into the night. My dad, the dawkter, would never react to anything. The worst he did was sigh deeply and put his head in his hands. There was no communication, really. I, on the other hand, have a wee little temper but it exhibits itself over really stupid stuff, usually before I've had my obligatory 16 oz of heavily leaded french roast. (Using a French press, of course!) For example, if DH leaves the counter all crunchy with little cereal bits and his own French press and coffee grinds all over my counter, I've been known to mutter uncontrollably. Then of course, sometimes the fifteenth demand for some odd thing (another spoon, milk for my oatmeal, napkin, pop tart...) elicits a "BE QUIET" followed by a tangent about how I have to do everything, and can't they see that I haven't even had my coffee yet, and so can't they just hold on for one minute... The kids just look at me, almost like a cat (you cat owners know the expression) and wait for it to pass. Those are my bad mornings, though, and at least I say something! Usually the kids crack me up, too, because I'll end up saying something like "I only have 2 arms, you know... It's not like I have 8. It's not like I'm an octopus." And that's just too much logic for two 6 year olds and a 3 year old. I can't even rant with dignity.

My point is, my kids know that I blow my top on occasion, but I don't do it often, and I don't hurt anyone, and usually everyone ends up laughing at me. Of course, I have to do my apologies (waaah-- I hate apogizing to my kids; it's so embarassing) and that sucks, but then I get over myself and life moves on. I feel like I have a relationship with my kids, though. I feel like I know what makes them tick. And even if they are overwhelmed by life and their bodily changes, I hope that they get that I am right there with them, at least trying to understand. I never got that from my parents. They were just too distant, and too preoccupied. I remember as a 7th grader having to go somewhere with my mom, and being frightened to get in the car with her because I didn't know what we'd talk about. As it turned out, we didn't talk. She just drove, and I just sat. It's very sad. If my sister wasn't there, there was nothing to talk about. I lost my "family identity" if I didn't have her with me- she was the funny one, the emotional one. She talked for me. She has talked to my parents lots of times about their style, and they brush her off, blaming it on some liberal psych class she must have taken.

I usually don't let it all get me down, honest. And my family is loads less dysfunctional than Mac's, but I would like to know how my grandpa is doing, that's all. I hate never knowing anyting. I wish it were important to them that I know, that I be included. But it's just not, and so I'll deal with it...

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

I talked to my mom on speakerphone (I Hate speakerphone) and she said that Dad's email was not forwarded properly- he had wanted to forward all the previous emails in the string. Still nothing personal. Anyway, Grandpa is hanging in there but barely. She told me that when he does die, or when it gets really close, that they will tell us actually, not just send a forwarded email. But... I doubt it.

My little brother called me about the email too. He was sort of ticked. He's really been ostrasized by mom for the actions of his wife and her email war with my dad. She was totally wrong (she flipped out because my mom had a birthday gathering for my brother without going through the wife. But my mom had asked my brother if it was OK, and he said, sure. He forgot to tell his wife, she assumed Mom was overstepping, and she sent off nasty emails to my dad of all people) but anyway. That was over 1 year ago, and my poor brother who used to hang out at my parent's house for hours on end just because he liked to, well, he's barely welcome. It's screwed up. Anyway, so I got to talk to him, and then he talked to Mac for about 1 hour about med school (his wife is applying). So the fun result of the forwarded obituary is that I got to talk to my little bro. I don't know why I don't call him more.

Then we had just a really really busy weekend. We drove up to meet the breeder and choose our top 3 puppies. They live on a farm, with horses and cats and so, we were playing with the puppies, who are adorable, and pretty soon I started to get some allergic reactions. I got some hives where the dogs licked me and I was sneezy. Mac thinks that because I wasn't taking my regular medications (claritin, flonase) that I just had a reaction that my meds will take care of later on. He said this for 3 reasons:

1) He wants a puppy. (Shoot, he wants it all. He wants a big house, with a garage, 2 outside dogs, 1 indoor dog, 2 more kids, and unlimited access to my bod whenever.)

2) He takes into account my history with my moms huge outdoor dogs and that when I'm on my meds around them, I am mostly fine. They don't lick my face (I really don't care for doggie kisses) and I wash my hands a lot. And given that those dogs are big shedders and what not, he thinks I should be fine around this "doodle" dog that really shouldn't shed.

3) He thinks most of my allergic problems were because of the huge cat in the dogs' area, and the horses' stable about 15 feet away, and the ragweed, hay, etc. from the farm. He thinks I was having reactions to all that cumulatively, not just the puppies...

This is a picture of our #2 ranking dog- he's a boy. The #1 looks basically the same. The other dogs have different colored coats, but Mac prefers this one. And these both are just so cute- the breeder says they have the best temperaments of all of the batch.



Anyway, so on the way home he was trying to talk me into getting the dog, and I basically told him that it was not up to him. We took the kids to see these dogs, they were totally excited, and so I guess rather than have them hate me for being allergic to the farm, and not getting a dog because of that, we'll bring one home and just have me take antihistimines for the forseeable future. He was happy with that.

Then he started to complain about the next week. I totally thought he was talking about the kids week, and my week by extension. We have somewhere we have to be every night of the week, plus Steven has a Halloween event on Tuesday (yikes- not ready), and Luke doesn't have preschool on Wednesday so I don't get a break there, and my mom is coming into town on Thursday night so I need to clean up. But... he was not talking about my week. Poor baby, he was talking about his week, and how one chief is on vacation, and one resident is on paternity leave, so he guesses he'll be pretty busy. Whatever. I just couldn't believe he was looking to me for sympathy- yet he had that excited look in his eyes too. On Friday he was complaining because it seemed like the doctors were "too relaxed" and not in a big enough hurry to please him. We may live in the same house, technically, but surely we are not on the same planet.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

My Grandpa died today. I am glad that he's moved on, because the last 3 years have been really hard. He didn't know anyone. He couldn't do anything. He just sat in his easy chair until he was too weak for even that. Alzheimers just sucks.

Now we have the funeral drama to attend to. My Grandma has pretty much been taking care of Grandpa (or lately, getting in the way of the hospice workers) for the past 4 years, since the Alzheimers became obvious. She is not doing so well, and has a tendency to be unyielding. She is demanding that the funeral be held on Monday. That doesn't give anyone enough time for planning. Grandpa is being cremated, so the memorial service date is theoretically flexible.

I guess that will be a major topic of discussion with my mom later this week when she comes into town... I know that Grandma is just trying to control something. I understand that. It has been very hard for her.

Now, to tell the kids... I'm not sure what to do there. They remember him, but never really knew him. He is their great grandpa and started showing symptoms when the twins were just babies. Kate remembers him. He took her out canoeing on Great Lake Sacandaga when no one else wanted to go. He always did stuff like that. He was really great.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

To cement my standing as the reason why all my children will need extensive counseling someday:

We have decided to not get the puppy. I am so upset, but Mac and I both agree that with my obvious reaction to the dog, and with further research into dog allergies (they get worse as said animal gets bigger, btw), that we have to wait until we can get an outside dog... So, we were supposed to break the news to the kids last night, but Mac didn't get home until pretty late, but in time to rush the kids out to a Halloween boy scout event. So, tonight I had to tell them. Mac was still at work, of course. And so I got to see the faces:

Luke: doesn't care. He's been vomiting all day, and he wasn't sure about a puppy anyway.
Isabel: crushed. But she can not possibly say so. She must look chipper at all costs. Poor thing- she is so sweet. And she has the most tender heart for animals. She wants to be a pet doctor. Serious mother guilt going on.
Steven: disappointed. Immediately goes on to "can I have a fish" and "can I write my name on the bottom of the bowl". Grasping at straws to try to have a pet buddy, while putting up a brave front.
Kate: angry. "I knew it. You guys always do this. You always ruin everything."

I feel like crap. I really really want a puppy. Steven has allergies too, and his allergist told us to not even go down that route. But I got swept away on the hypoallergenic frenzy, and... I would seriously live with it. I would take my allergy meds and not complain. But knowing that Steven's asthma and allergies are well-controlled now, but that they aren't so well-controlled when we visit my mom and her dogs (OK, Steven has major allergy problems there- I have to double his dosages of Zyrtek, which he has to take all the time anyway), I just couldn't jeopardize HIS health. And Kate, much as she demands to have a dog, is allergic too. She won't admit it yet, but she was sneezy all the way home. (Although she says that's a cold--- a very convenient cold to me.) And who knows if Luke is allergic. I know he's a big chicken, and it would probably take him 3 months to even pet the dog... But now we'll never have that piece of the American Dream.

I feel like a total failure because I should have seen it coming- and I should have had the good sense to go and see these dogs earlier on before telling the kids that we were getting a puppy. Book research and talking to breeders just wasn't enough. I needed to be licked by the puppies and to get the hives to really have it sink in. So I take full responsibility for this disappointment. Very poorly done.

On a different front:

The funeral saga continues. My Grandma has chosen to have the funeral next Friday. That gives my dad time to get a ticket, and my mom is here visiting us so she can hitch a ride with us up to the funeral. Except... she apparently told the family that I didn't want to go, and that it was too much of a bother. So I had to call my dad to tell him that I was planning to go (shoot- I wrote it here- I have proof!). Mac may even get leave to go with us, which would be wonderful! I miss talking to him. I am too tired at night, and he is too. A long car ride is just what we need. With my mom in tow. Complaining about my grandma... (Her MIL.) Now, Grandma has been a bit nasty lately, it's true. But her husband of 70+ years just died after 4 years of slow and rapid deterioration... I can cut her some slack. I just home my mom will too. She hates going up there to visit- and they are locked in to visiting over the Thanksgiving break (mom and dad are splitting their Thanksgiving week between us and my Grandma in Albany). So Mom feels it's not necessary to make the trip up there now, too. But Grandma wants the family to make a special trip for the funeral, apparently, and not to just fit it in to a "previously planned trip." I think this is reasonable. I'm sure that when my mom settles down, she'll be gracious as well. It's just a process. I hate being caught in the middle. Sometimes 3000 miles geographically isn't enough.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

So, my mom is visiting, which makes us all very busy... Luke and Steven are sort of taking turns being sick (I think they are scamming for the yummy berry ibuprofin...) and Mac is pretty busy at work. The brake lights don't work on the suburban (a wiring problem), which Mac insists on fixing since the auto shop would no doubt charge a small fortune for it. If it even is fixable... So when he's home, he's outside with his ridiculous spelunker headlight to help him see. What a dork! We have had 2 (or 3, depending on how specific you want to be by the term "costume") Halloween events so far... Is it just me, or does this "holiday" continue to grow, and grow, and grow??? And Kate has a pre-algebra assessment today on fractions, which she is too stubborn to learn. I don't understand. Fractions... *Big sigh.* We had another "homework help session" yesterday (read: me yelling at her to do her work, her looking out the window and throwing in enough snarky comments to earn 9 days of grounding.) Eventually she did the problems, but can't be bothered to put the correct sign on the answer or to reduce her final answer. Which means the teacher will, drumroll please, mark her wrong! Because she is wrong! She is so stubborn. Then, in the middle of that, I had to make some baked goods for a bake sale at at the hospital to benefit the soldier's kids. I think they are going to buy them books using the proceeds. I made a double batch of choc chip cookies. But while I was measuring the flour, people came up to me and kept asking me questions.

Mac: Do you think I can work on the car now, or in 15 minutes? And how long until we leave for the Halloween thing-- 2 hours? Or 1 hour?

Kate: Mom, big whiny voice, if I get 2 problems right, can I have a treat? Or do I have to do 3?

Me: Holding the flour cup. Oh.... Shoooot. Did I just put in the 3rd cup? Or the 2nd cup?

We shall never know, but probably the 2nd since when I tried to bake them, they were all soupy. I have never ever ever messed up a Choc Chip recipe ever. And I have relentlessly teased my sister for doing the same thing years ago... Do not tell my secret! Please!!! I particularly enjoy teasing her about that...

Anyway, now it's time to get the other kids up after a fiasco getting Kate to the bus stop today (we went to two. I particularly enjoyed the point where she told me to "hurry" to make the second bus after we missed the first bus because she was in her room messing around...)

I will update you all soon on Kate's halloween dance. It was frightful, let me tell you.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

OK- So... The Dance.

It was a quasi-themed Halloween dance. No decorations, but costumes were allowed. I had volunteered to be a chaperone- since Mom was in town, it was a good opportunity for me to avoid being here during the 4 o'clock hour. (Anything to get out of the house and away from the kids!) Originally, I was hoping to go with Mac, but the dance people changed the schedule so that the dance started right after school. So I was flying solo...

And I got to the dance on time (like I said, anything to avoid the 'witching hours'), and asked someone who looked like she knew what was going on where I should report. She said, oh, just go in there... And waved me on to the cafeteria area. As I approached the doors, I thought I would faint. Dear Lord, the BO.... It was horrendous. But I forged on, through the doors, and into the semi-lit cafeteria. The "house lights" were on in the corners of the room, so it wasn't dark enough for the kids to get into serious mischief. My first impressions, besides the BO, were that the kids have a personal space comfort level of apparently 4 inches. They were all clumped together, so that about 250 middle schoolers were taking up less than one-fifth of the room. The principal and several chaperones kept walking through the clumps of kids (think: swarming amoebas), but the groups all reformed.

So, I started casing the joint, walking the perimeter. You all know that I was there to spy on my daughter. Let's just be grown-ups here and admit that is the only reason to go to a middle-school dance. I didn't spot her though. After about 10 minutes, I stopped circling and stood still to look at a group of kids who looked to be in Kate's class. The song playing was really cool- and appropriate for middle schoolers.

Lyrics:

Her body's moving like a cyclone,
She makes me want to do it all night long.

On and on and on... Then all of a sudden, some girl jumps out at me. I did not recognize her at all. This is what she looked like:





Then she started talking to me. And she called me "Mom". Ah-Ha- apparently she had borrowed someone's makeup (Ew) and someone's sweatshirt, and had been all glammed up to her character of "dead goth gangsta". If anyone doubts the changes that happen during puberty, these are the halloween memories I have of Kate:

In 1st grade: A princess
2nd grade: Pocahontas
3rd grade: Black cat
4th grade: gypsy
5th grade: Midieval princess
And now,
6th grade: Dead goth gangsta

So, anyway, she wanted me to give her friend a ride home, I said OK, and then she ran off to her group of friends. Occassionally she would spastically wave at me- so I don't think she was all that embarrassed I was there. I resumed my circling...

I saw a very strange trend. The girls (mostly 7th and 8th graders) were bumping and grinding with each other. The PTA president told me that it was OK... It was very odd. There were booties sticking out all over. Yuk. I know they were just imitating what they watch on MTV or whatever, but it was really wierd. Occassionally some lucky dude would get pulled into the middle of a group of girls, and they would all start to bump and grind on him. At that point, the chaperones were to go break it up. One time, I approached this boy and told him to get out of the circle. He played dumb, and so I went up to them and yelled: Time to break up the bump and grind fest! So he stepped out, the girls glared at me (seriously, they looked strung out on something) but they kept "dancing" together. After the song was over, he came to me and said, "I didn't want to dance with them, they surrounded me!" Yeah.... I was born yesterday and I would like to buy the Brooklyn Bridge too.

Besides those episodes (yuk yuk), I noticed that the kids dedicate an incredible number of brain cells to memorizing lyrics. Imagine the potential! And they all recognized new songs right away- usually with incredible cheers and enthusiasm. The dancing was frenzied, the kids were wild, and there were frequent mosch pits. All the while, Kate and her friends sort of hung near the front too self-conscious to dance. They usually shouted out the lyrics along with the songs though. She was sometimes sitting next to her "bf" (that's boyfriend), but there was about 5 inches between them, thank goodness!

Another thing I observed about the dance was that the DJ group they hired (one guy to do the music and another to "get the party started") were... perhaps not the best mentors? The guy who was there with a mic to keep things moving looked like he was about 25 or so, yet he referred to himself as "middle aged". I think none of the kids got it- he was trying to be funny. I thought it was funny how they all accepted that he was "middle aged". Then of course, his inspirational words to the kids in the middle of the dance. Were they telling the kids to study hard? To listen to their parents? Nooooo. He said:

"How many of you want to play football in high school?"
(about 4 hands went up)
"All right! Yeah! Remember- for football it's FASTER, BIGGER, STRONGER"
(kids losing interest, so am I)
"And if you remember that, you can get a championship like I have"
(Oh brother. Now I'm booing- at least mentally)

So... I think the take home message is to make sure you go to college, because former football champs sometimes end up working as a DJ for middle school dances for the rest of their lives!

Anyway, we survived, but I think the bumping and grinding should stop. I don't care if it's "just girls" doing it. The boys are still watching them- and they were most definitely watching. It was gross, and the girls don't understand that they look really, really cheap.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

I feel compelled to share... that we are truly strict parents. I know that with the struggles that we have with disrespect from Kate, it may seem that we are too lax, or perhaps were lenient earlier on, and now are paying for it... I may have opined the same thing a few years ago...

She is, and always had been, a "Difficult Child". The arsenal of parenting books I have from her years are all about "strong willed" and "difficult" and "anger in children." She just is incredibly strong. Smart, strong, and an underachiever... We have used various methods in disciplining- with some success. Grounding from the telephone and internet is effective now, whereas a year ago she couldn't care less. A year ago the only thing that worked was having her lose her privileges to choose her own outfits (Dad got to choose them!). Before that, the only thing that worked was taking out all her stuff-and enforcing a very early bedtime.

Our other kids so far don't display any of the strong-willed tendencies that she has. That could change, of course. The "hardest" kid could easily be yet to come... Hopefully we'll have learned something through our struggles with Kate, and mistakes we've made in reaching her.

But, to clarify...

She is not allowed to have a boyfriend-- at least how we define boyfriend. In her world, her vernacular, a "bf" is quite different. He is someone whom she talks to on the phone, but mostly thru IM with a group of other kids. He is also someone she meets in virtual life- in Runescape (it's a computer game). They know each other's characters. Sometimes they walk down the hall to their next class together, since they are in all the same classes. When there's a field trip, he wants to sit next to her (but not really close- they are not "comfortable").

In her world, her vernacular, they use some words that are alarming, but seem to have inocuous definitions:
*hitting on: flirting which isn't returned. Not even aggressive flirting, just flirting.
*stalking: looking for someone in the halls, and asking one friend of a friend, "is so and so here today?".
*going emo: (Emo for those of you who don't know are people who are into self-mutilation/cutters) means getting sad and dressing in black. (no actual cutting-- that's sick.

That's all I can think of now, but there are others.... I may add some later as I come accross them. I just want to impress on you that we are trying, and while it may seem that parenting skills are lacking here, and that is most certainly true- believe me, it's just hard to deal with adolescence...

I feel like she listens to me, though. And picking my battles is huge. Right now I am zero tolerance on homework issues, to get through this phase of pre-algebra angst. It is getting better- last night we worked on taking square roots, which she has not learned ever, and she did it without a struggle. She didn't want to get grounded anymore- so she controlled herself! A HUGE victory!

A couple of years ago, I would have seen her Halloween "costume" and flipped out. I would have grounded her for eternity, for having 1) dressed up as someone scary and 2) dressed up without having cleared the costume with me first. But, that was a battle I wasn't going to pick now. Had she been dressed like some of the girls there (I saw a "bumblebee" or something who apparently forgot the bottom half of her costume--Maybe she was confused as to the abdomen feature of an insect...) I would have definitely picked that battle. As it was, we were able to discuss how she's not allowed to wear make-up, and how it's bad for her skin, and how she will in the future get in big trouble for wearing makeup without permission.

So, anyway, that's where we are now. It's hard. It's really hard- but life prepares you for it somewhat. I feel like I get eased into my kids' next stages of development from little glimpses of things to come in their current stages... If that makes any sense.

Time to get bf (that's breakfast- haha) for the other kids! Where the biggest battle is getting them to get their shoes on! (and believe me, that's a big battle!)

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

I'm a big fake. A huge fake. I've been pretending that I'm ok with Mac's career, and I am not. He is right now an intern in his chosen field- ENT. He is lucky to get home by 7. I know that's way better than most people get. But the kids go to bed by 730 (Luke) and 8 (twins) and I have to start the math wars with Kate much earlier than 7. That leaves lots of time for me to single parent, and the kids are lucky to see their so-called dad for 30 minutes each night. No family dinner. The only reliable thing, I guess, will be pancake breakfast on Saturdays except for his "power call" weekend and his "research" weekend (so that's 2 pancake Saturdays a month, I guess.) And I don't like pancake Saturday because the dishes are piled up. Mac can make the pancakes, get out the griddle, serve up plates of stickiness, and leave it all to sit until he "gets around to it." By lunch time, it's still not done, and he tries to "make lunch" by pushing aside the pancake mess to clear space on the counter. That doesn't work, so he starts "food prep" on any so called surface. It all results in a big fight between us, and a huge messy kitchen that I end up cleaning. And he expects me to fall all over myself in gratitude because 1) he made breakfast and 2) he was "taking care of the kids" all morning so that's why he couldn't get to the dishes. Except "taking care of the kids" usually means turning on the TV, while he sits there with them and falls asleep. Sometimes it's too much...

So, I'm not looking forward to the next five years, and I'm ready to run off to my gyn to get my tubes tied...

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

Last Friday was Grandpa's burial and memorial service. We did end up going, and Mac got emergency leave so he could go too. We trucked it up there in our Suburban- all 7 of us. No brake lights, but "thems the breaks". (yuk, yuk, yuk... That's for my sister.)

Anyway, my mom still didn't want to go, but since we were going, and she was staying at our house, she sorta had to come! I think she was glad to be able to be there to support my dad. It's remarkable to me how much she enjoys spending time with him now. Before, when we were kids, she just really didn't. She just complained, pretty much. That apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I really have to watch myself in that arena... I *understand* more, a little bit, but really, we were great kids. At least I was. My older sister was a bit of a drama queen, and my older brother was probably autistic (but has never been diagnosed) and so that had its trials, but my younger bro and I pretty much were independent. I made my own lunches starting at about 2nd grade, and I walked to school by myself in Kindergarten (this school was NOT close to my house- but a private school so no bus, and so I walked about 2 miles each day!). Also, he and I did a lot of sports, and we also did our own homework with no help from her, so she pretty much was "free" from about 8 am to about 6 every day... Anyway, why does everything turn into a dialog about my childhood angst?? I need a therapist.

So, we drove up the old NJ turnpike to upstate NY- just north of Albany. That's where my dad was raised, and where my mom and he met. She moved there as a junior in high school- she was raised in eastern Washington, which is where my parents live, and where I was raised. The drive took about 6.5 hours. Mac is a slow driver, though. The kids watched DVDs on our portable player the whole way, so it was OK. We stayed at a hotel the first night, and Luke slept like a champ in his blow up ready bed! We just (as in last week) transitioned him to his toddler bed. (Yes, he is 3.5 but really loves his crib. It is a special crib- I painted a Noah's ark scene on it when Kate was a newborn. This is perhaps the last big crafty project I did- I am so obsessive compulsive that I spent an obscene amount of time on it, using paint thinner to "erase" mistakes... I was planning on keeping the crib forever, but Mac tripped one night while trying to put Luke into the crib, and he broke the side rails. It's been duct-taped together for about 3 months. I'm very sad about that...)

Anyway, the next day, Friday, we were set to go to the services. When we arrived, we found out that there was a burial service first and then a memorial later in the day. I wasn't prepared for that. The kids at a gravesite!? Yikes. And 2 days after Halloween. I had never been to a burial before. So I tried to prep the kids as best as I could- Grandpa was cremated, so they were burying his remains in the family plot. Trying to explain to the twins about cremation was really hard. I basically said that Grandpa was very old, and his body was sick. He died, and now he's in heaven with a brand new body. But his old body is still here on earth, where it has been turned into ashes. And the ashes are in a box which will be buried in the ground near where the ashes of other people in his family are. I told them that when we die and go to heaven, we don't need our regular bodies anymore because they don't work, and we get perfect bodies that never get sick or hurt.

Yes, it freaked them out a bit. I didn't know we were doing a burial; I thought it was just a memorial service which is basically like a church service to them, and always way over their heads. A graveyard, however, is very real.

So before the burial, we went to a Maple Tree farm where they produce real NY maple syrup! It was great. The piping from trees to the production house was interesting. It's not the right season for "tapping" a tree now, so nothing was being produced, but it was still interesting. They tap these trees in late February to March. Then you can go there and see the whole production! It would definitely be worth it to see. I felt like I was in a Mr Rodger's Neighborhood episode- at the Maple Tree Farm!

These are pictures from the Maple Tree Syrup farm. Isabel was incredibly bored. The boys had fun running through the leaves and open space!



And a "tap" on a maple tree (keeping it educational here!):



Anyway, then we went to the burial after lunch. It was not a very formal thing, which was good. The hole was already dug, and my grandparent's pastor was there. My cousins, whom I never ever see, were there and my Aunt and Uncle, my Grandma, my parents, and our family. So it was only family. Mac and my mom were the only non-blood related people there! So, the pastor said a prayer, which we missed because we were out reading old gravestones, and then my dad put the box into the hole, and threw the first handful of dirt. Why my dad? I don't know. Maybe because he's the only Christian. I think my Aunt may be a Christian, but not my Uncle... So, then Isabel threw in a flower (from a weed), and Steven was going to throw his in, but Kate grabbed it from him an threw it in. She can be such a brat. We calmed Steven down. He was already a bit freaked to see this little tiny box which he knew held the remains of a person. And so we got him another flower, and he threw it in. The rest of the time was spent trying to keep Luke from falling into the hole.

The hole:



Pretty soon the gravedigger came to shovel the dirt back into the hole. Steven watched the whole process wide-eyed. When it was done, we headed back to the cars and he started crying. Grandma came and told him that it was OK, that Grandpa was happy now, and that she was happy, too. It was very sad. It was just too real for him. He's a sensitive kid.

The filled in hole:



Steven wondering around the graveyard:



So we got out of there, went swimming at the hotel, and then headed out to the memorial service. It started at 6, so we didn't eat because we were supposed to go to Grandma's house later to eat with her. The kids were hungry (especially after swimming), but we thought it would be short. Most of the memorial services I've been to have been under 45 minutes. This one, however, was not short. There were 2 mini sermons, about 10 really long scripture readings, 5 hymns, and a long time of memories. I liked the memories part-it was great. Grandpa was a great man. He worked himself out of a horrid family (abuse, alcoholism) and started his own business (an auto garage). He was completely self-taught, very humble, and very successful. He helped a lot of people in his life. He lived simply. The thing he enjoyed most of all was serving other people. He built all sorts of things for my childhood house when he came out to visit. The one I remember most was a big fort! 2 stories and everything. It was great fun.

Anyway, by the middle of the exceedingly long service, Luke, who was making noises but not crying or anything, started crawling under the pews. That was OK, because it was quiet and kept him busy. But then he decided to crawl under the pews all the way to the front of the church! I thought he was back 3 rows with Mac, but he was actually about 25 rows in front of me. How did I find out? He crawled out and stood on top of the pew with the biggest smile on his face, like he'd just done the most wonderful thing. Then he started to crawl over each pew to make his way back to us. This was a formal service, with a median age of about 85 for the people in attendance, and I don't think they thought this was appropriate... I don't think it was appropriate, but it just happened. At this point, my mom felt compelled to stand up and share. (I was ready to hit the deck-- "Quick, duck- you never know what this crazy lady will say.") Anyway, she started off by saying, "Well, everyone is saying nice things about Grandpa, but did you ever consider how hard it is to host him??? (Her motto: MeMeMeMeMeeeeeee.) She tied it in to be complimentary, but I was pretty freaked. Then she threw in there: ("You have to excuse these little people. They are his Great Grandchildren and isn't it wonderful that they have so much life and vivality just like Grandpa had???") Then she came back and said, "See, now you don't have to worry about the kids running around the service. It's ok- everyone knows that you belong here."

Uhhhh. Gee thanks mom.

So finally we got out of there- famished. We were all shuffled into the "reception room" where cookies and punch were waiting. I usually avoid those places because of the peanut risk (no labels of ingredients or anything), but everyone was starving. The kids were begging, and Steven was waiting patiently for me to tell him which cookie he could eat. So I looked it over, and lots looked suspect. There were only 2 that I was confident would be ok. One was a sugar cookie with a Hershey's kiss on top- so I let him have that one. About 10 seconds later, Steven said: "Mom- this has Peanut Butter in it! Don't give me the shot!!!" Then Kate, the smartass, said "Mom, these cookies are from the store and this kind all has peanut butter in the middle." (She was eating one herself.) I grabbed Mac, interrupted my Dad from his conversation with some people, and told them that Steven ate peanut butter and what now. Steven was sitting in a chair starting to panic, waiting for imminent death. (No doubt visions of graveyards in his head.) Dad, the ER doc of 25 years plus, said, well, he looks fine, just watch him. I am panicky though-- I said "Here Mac- here's the Epi- just inject him to be safe!" Steven said "NOOOOOO! Don't give me the shot!"

Gak. It was super stressful. I guess this was my "feebie" which probably means next time Steven accidentally ingests peanut he will have a really bad anaphylactic reaction, and fast. He hasn't ever ingested peanuts- he's only had casual contact through other people eating them around him. (For instance, when Steven was a baby and Mac ate PB&J sandwiches, and then kissed Steven-- that gave him a rash and exposed him to peanuts enough so that he tests positive for peanut allergy on a scratch test.) So since this is the first time he actually ingested peanuts, his only symptoms were a scratchy throat, swollen mouth, and watery eyes. I hate to think how it may be worse next time. Especially since he's not with me for most of his day. It's too scary. So I have an allergist appointment to get a professional opinion on this matter. As it was, Mac ran off to the drugstore to get some benadryl (and got the wrong kind ) but Steven took it. I hate giving him Benadryl because he gets so hyper. Within 15 minutes, he was running around the reception room. He couldn't stop. He almost ran over 3 old people with walkers. So we left early, and no dinner with Grandma.

I think she was happy we went, and I think it was an important gesture, but wow. It was quite a weekend.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

This weekend... wasn't relaxing. Big sigh. I was hoping to get at least a solid 2 hours without having to worry about kid stuff, since this is the *last* weekend for a while where Mac didn't have to go in to round or anything. But, no....

On Friday, which was a half day, Kate's friend came over to work on their "save the bay" project. So all of you who are worried about the health of the Chesapeake Bay, never fear because ALL 6th graders in Montgomery County are on the job... Anyway, it's a "group" project and that means middle school drama. So Friday they worked on it for about 6 hours. That is how long it takes to glue about 10 pictures to a display board, apparently. And I had to buy all the supplies for this project- Kate's friend's parents sent along the jump drive with the pictures on it- to print up here? Our printer sucks. It sucks to a new level of horribleness. I am eagerly anticipating when it will just die, because I would love to buy a different one... For now, though, I don't print photos on it. So I uploaded the pics from her jump drive to pick them up at Costco. I already had picked up $4 of my pictures of them doing the "Bay Cleanup" from Costco the previous day, as well as $15 in supplies from Staples.

So then, Saturday morning I had to get up early to help deposit our Suburban to the dealership to get the stupid brake lights fixed. My word, that took forever to get Mac to give up that little venture. He spent... about 15 hours on that thing. Checking wiring, looking up stuff on the internet, going to the auto parts store... My mantra all along: you don't know anything about cars, call the dealership. Oh well. 15 hours he could have spent doing something really useful, like painting over all the dings in the walls from the kids throwing their cars at each other. :huh:

Then we got home to get Kate ready for her soccer game. It was super cold out, so I just took her. They won, and were awarded big trophies! What is it with sports and trophies? She has several trophies in her room- it seems that every little team she's on, whether it be drama, soccer, swim, etc., awards trophies. I never got a trophy growing up. Perhaps I will go get one commissioned: Mom of the Year! Ha ha... That's definitely one I'd have to get made up myself- not getting it from my kids!

After soccer, we stopped by Costco to pick up her pictures, then I schlepped her to her friend's house (only about 25 minutes out of the way, but hey) where she stayed until 9 pm working on the Chesapeake Bay project... So she worked for 6 hours, again, during which time they were able to IM some of their school friends to talk about who likes whom and is so and so still mad at me, etc., etc. Kate also got to eat with her friend's family- a traditional Chinese meal. Yum! Homecooked! Kate was surprised at how quiet their dinner table was. She thought they weren't allowed to talk. That may be the case, but I doubt a dinner table gets much louder than ours does. "Inside voice" is still a work in progress. Kate was also surprised at how "controlling" her friend's parents are- they made us look not so bad. So I guess that's a plus. For instance, her friend must leave her door open at all times, and isn't allowed a CD player in her room. But she does have an iPod, so... It's hard to keep the kids from the technology... This particular friend refers to herself as "goth" and dreams of being "emo" one day...

So, I went all the way out to get her at 9, and back home by 920. Then we were going to watch a DVD (Mac and I) but the one I rented didn't play in our player. The kids' movie I rented did play, just not the one we wanted to watch. So Mac went to change it, came back, and the same thing... By then it was 10, and I was too tired anyway. But he went back to the store and got an absolutely horrific Jackie Chan movie- apparently made in China. It was really bad. Really really bad. Just when you were ready to turn it off (after about 2 minutes of "story line") there was a big fight scence to keep you watching, I guess. But, I didn't make it. That makes about 8 weeks or so since we've actually watched a movie, DVD or otherwise.

So then Sunday, I was geared up for a nice day where at least I'd get a couple of hours to myself. And Mac wanted to do this or that as a family, but I told him that I couldn't handle spending time with the kids right now, that I just needed a couple of hours to recharge. But I did have to take Izzy to get shoes- poor thing- hers were way too small but she just doesn't tell me. She started wearing her ridiculous sparkly things all the time, and I would make her wear her tennis shoes, but... Oh well. Anyway, so we went to get new shoes (Mac even wanted to make that a family outing. (Ummmm, NO WAY IN HELL am I taking ALL the kids to a SHOE STORE to buy only ONE kid shoes....) So while we were shopping, Mac called me (I should've forgotten my cell phone) to tell me that Kate's social studies group was meeting at the library about 25 mintues away from our house, and what to do???? So, Izzy and I had to race home to pick up "the fam" to take everyone to the library, and we got Kate there on time after lecturing her about how this is the last time we schlep her anywhere on such short notice. I did ditch Mac with the kids in the library for a while so that I could go to the "grown up" book section. But not nearly enough time to be restorative...

Then we left Kate with her group, and we went across the street for Ice Cream. That occupied the kids for about 25 minutes. Luke is extremely intense when it comes to ice cream. It's pretty funny.

Finally, we picked her up, and went home. Mac told me to not worry, because he "had dinner under control". So, he put in a DVD for the kids (of course) and went on line to do something. I had to catch up on laundry, so I did that. (The gift that keeps on giving- our laundry piles.) It was getting late, so I asked him what was up with dinner, etc. He had forgotten, I think. So then he ordered pizza, went to pick it up, and we ate. He did the baths, etc., so that was good. I just wish that during the time he's home he would be more "active" with the kids. I get that he's tired, and that he has online things he needs to do, but the kids never see him or play with him. So no more DVDs please...

After the kids went to bed, Mac worked with Kate on her math. I did not interfere, much. I wanted him to get the full flavor of a snippet of the stress I've been going through. Kate, good old dependable Kate, didn't disappoint. She pitched her usual fits, her blaming of everyone else for why she doesn't "get it", her careless work, her staring out the window act... They only did about 7 problems, and it took 2 hours. She spends almost 5 minutes complaining and whining about every single *step* of every single problem. It's excruciatingly frustrating. Later, after we went to bed, I told him to imagine going through that with Kate, while breaking up screaming fights between the kids, while someone is whining at you for a snack, a candy, a cookie, milk, etc... Now he gets it a little bit why I've been so stressed. A very *little* bit.

There is no hope for me to get 2 kid-free hours on the horizon. I need to just hire a sitter and leave. I would love to have some time in my house to do stuff here, but it's just not going to happen. Plus mom and dad come to visit later this week, and I have to drive them to the airport twice while they are here so that they can go on a side trip to Albany. So I have to drive to the airport on Friday night to pick them up, Sunday afternoon to drop them off, Tuesday afternoon to pick them up, and again on the following Sunday morning to drop them off. The airport is about 55 minutes away, one way. That's a lot of driving...

And Mac starts Gen Surg this week. It should be *so nice*. Gag. Blah.

It will take a lot of effort on my part to be "thankful" this year, and I know I'm being a total brat, but I'm just keeping it real.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

I went to my MOPS meeting today. I am sort of roped into it, even though I never feel like going. I hate giving up my 2 hours of preschool time to go to a meeting for mothers of preschoolers. I feel like I've graduated, but... I'm sort of helping, so I will stick it out for the year most likely. I do have several friends there, and it's super fun to see them and catch up. It's just I could do without the talks- the first one was on car seat safety and today was on child nutrtion.

So, I'm an expert on child nutrition, right? Since I apparently think I don't need to hear the talks anymore?

Well, not exactly.

Luke's breakfast:

1 slice of bread, which he started to spit out, and never ate. (But hey, it was whole grain...)
1 small bowl of Life cereal, which he ignored.
and, the entree:
A Lollipop. (I believe it was fruit flavored- does that count?)

I don't usually give lollipops for breakfast, but the twins chose 1 piece of Halloween candy (how I hate Halloween candy) for their lunches, and Luke just assumed he got one too. Of course, he doesn't understand that it was for after lunch.

Now Mac is on call tonight, which means I am gearing myself up for fun times... I haven't even started working on pre-algebra with Kate yet. BIG BIG sigh....

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: blog is a funny word

I took Steven to the allergist yesterday. It was very informative, but took forever. He isn't allergic to dogs (Yay!) but is to dust mites, various weeds, some trees, cats, and a mold. More environmental allergies could show up. He's been so miserable, and really did not want to do the scratch test. I don't know why, really. He used to participate in a blood study where he had a blood draw every 6 months or so (it was to predict diabetes, but we don't participate anymore), and he really was a trooper for those tests. It didn't seem to bother him. I think the difference with the scratch test is that he remembers getting hives all over his back, and that is really uncomfortable.

Anyway, the allergist recommends allergy shots at about age 7. That should allow him to participate in outdoor sports when he's older without much problems due to allergies, versus possibly being sidelined for much of the season. His allergies are fairly intense, so I think it's a good course. Of course, getting a dog is still not an option b/c of my allergies (even to the 'non-allergic' poodle- I still got hives from a poodle puppy), and also because an indoor dog will bring in all sorts of pollens and that would be hard for Steven... We're still hoping for an outdoor dog someday.

The allergist also touched on the peanut stuff- he's very allergic. Virtually no hope of him outgroing it, or becoming less sensitized to it. He recommends no more packaged snacks that say 'made in a factory that also processes peanuts' (fine by me, but DH always seems to bring that crap home when he goes grocery shopping). Peanuts, apparently, are cumulative, so by ingesting even trace amounts that may or may not be present in packaged snacks, Steven will be progressively becoming more and more sensitized to peanuts, so that his reaction in the future may be more dramatic. The allergist said that we got very lucky with Steven's lack of full anaphylactic reaction at my Grandpa's funeral. He did have the "scratchy throat" which is usually followed by "throat closed off" and "no airway" at which point you definitely administer the epipen, if you haven't already. Basically my mommy instinct to jab him with the epi right away when I knew he'd eaten a peanut was correct. The 2 dawkters (my dad- an ER doc for 25+ years, and Mac) were wrong.

Anaphylactic allergies suck. For me, it is as though Steven is always walking along the edge of a raging river. If someone touches him the wrong way, they could push him into that river. Once in the river, he'd have about 1 minute to inflate his life preserver vest that he should always be carrying on his person. If he doesn't find the vest, or if someone else has it, or if he is too disoreinted to inflate it, there is an excellent chance that he will drown and be dead within 2 minutes. This is what it's like to have a child with a peanut allergy. All it takes is some kid to wipe their peanut butter on my son's face to push him into that river.

On a happier note... Um. Well, it's not happy, but it's progress for me. I have come to realize that Kate depends on me to teach her step by step to do each math problem. While I'm doing that, reviewing the stuff she should have learned and stuff we have taught her before, she feels like she can yell at me/berate me because "I'm making her do math" and "she hates math" and "all I do is try to ruin her life". So, after a totally pointless 45 minutes of trying to get her to do one stupid percentages problem (we have gone over this before last year, and earlier this summer), I simply emailed her teacher that Kate will be going in for extra math work every lunch period until further notice. She can bring a lunch there, and Kate can get a head start on homework. I told Kate that I will not walk her through her assignments anymore, and that she can come to me for help with particularly hard problems, but not to do the whole sheet. She is so lazy. And I'm enabling her. So, now we have to bring out the big guns: First, loss of lunches (check). Next, loss of IM privileges until her math is improved (check). Then, in the future if needed, loss of an email account. Then, loss of her CDs, MP3 player, etc. Then, loss of her door. After that... Military school? I don't know.

Grrrrrr. This math is not hard. I can do math. I took years of it, and I'm not bad at it. I even tutored math in College- some of the same stuff she is working on. But I can not teach her how to do everything because she sits there, picking at nail polish, staring out the window, or staring off at something. When I tell her to sit up and pay attention, she sighs, throws out there some snide comments, and pretty much continues to disrespect me. When I have her do a problem, she says, I don't know what to do because you never told me how. I never learned this. Whine, whine, whine. I can't possibly teach her how to do this. So, no lunch. She can figure it out with her teacher. I am not paying money to hire a tutor, but I am not going to be treated like crap every night either.

I also know why she is like this. Have you ever heard: The sins of the father will be visited upon his children? Or whatever the wording. Kate's personality, and her attitude toward math, is exactly like my mom's was. My poor grandma. She is the sweetest lady. She is wonderful, and loved by all. Isabel has a personality somewhat like my grandma's, for which I am so grateful. But my mom was grandma's first child. Strong willed, mean, and simply nasty. She was a huge tomboy, and so horrible to my aunt that my aunt can't forgive her, and they barely speak. She sort of gets along with her brother, but they only see each other a couple times a year.

So, Kate is like my mom. When my mom was here and saw Kate's fit over math (that was a very mild tantrum that day), she sort of laughed and said, that's how I was. I said, "poor grandma." I also told my mom how unfair it was because her kids (my siblings and I) were never like that. We didn't have any of those "issues". Even with that, my mom doesn't see how nasty she was. She doesn't own up to her bad behaviors- which scares me. The only reason I kill myself to try to get Kate to be decent is that she has a lot of potential-- to do great things, or to do great damage. It is ultimately her choice. I would love for her to see the great damage done to herself by being lazy with school, and by being nasty to her family. I just don't know if she will get there, but I will keep watching her like a hawk.

I don't mean to be negative about my mom. There are lots of great things about her. She is very talented (again, underachiever), and she is very open and accepting of others. She has shown me lots of wonderful things about all people, now that I'm an adult too. She is very loyal to her friends, and is not preachy to them. As a mom, she was predictable at least, and let my friends trash her house every weekend. I'm not focused on her "motherhood" so much as the parallel between how she behaved as a kid and how Kate behaves. It is remarkable the similarity when it comes to math, chores, rules, social stuff, and treatment of siblings and family. Ironically, however, Mom is the one whom my grandparents chose to live close to (although I secretly think this is because of my Dad.) I just don't want Kate to terrorize the other kids like my mom did to her siblings, and I don't want Kate to think that it's ok to disrespect anyone the way she apparently thinks she can disrespect me.

Of course, she usually keeps her disrespect to the arena of homework. She puts a lid on it in other situations. Somehow she thinks that if I'm sitting there helping her with work, she's allowed to go off on me. In other areas of our relationship, things are pretty good. I am getting sick of hearing about who so and so likes, etc., but I just let her talk about that nonsense to her heart's content. I do watch her closely with her brothers and sister and come down on her very hard for being rude to them. I have deeper conversations with her about how cruel she can be, and how it will do lasting damage to relationships that she may value someday (the sibling relationship). And she seems to think about what I'm saying when I say it, and that is helpful. I tell her that her brothers and sister will not always idolize her, and in fact, if she continues to try to crush their spirits they will hate her. That makes her think. But ultimately, I just have to trust that at some point she will "get" it. I just don't know. My other kids do not have her issues. So it's not all my parenting skills and lack thereof.

Blah. I'm so sick of it.