Yomama

[Gwendolyn]

O.K. so, I have started this blog at least five times before erasing it and walking away. I am nervous about this. I can't say why exactly. Well, I could come up with some reasons, but that's not really the point.

I am not much of an internet person. I check my email, do remote access to the university libraries for research, and I occasionally make purchases from well established companies; Gap, Victoria's Secret, Dell. I frequented a chat board while I was pregnant to trade old wives tales with out reprisal and I dropped an online class after one day that was about bloggs in education. This new fangled way of communicating is uncomfortable to me. The researcher side of me can’t just leave it alone. I am curious. I have decided to give it a try.

The warning is that I have terrible punctuation and spelling. I will try to write in Word first to catch the mistakes, but Word can’t make up for my colossal loss of all information gained in 4th grade.

O.K.

Here I go……

[Gwendolyn]

CENTRAL IDEA
By Caitlein Ryan

So your walking down the hall.
YOU: Hey
YOUR FRIEND: Hey man, Wussp?
YOU: Hmm, Not much. I'm on my way to Public Speaking. Gotta give my speech today.
YOUR FRIEND: Cool. Wasit about?
YOU: Oh...

Dr. RYAN: Insert your Central Idea here. It is the topic sentence of your speech.

THE END

And that folks is how the college lecture is done.


I actually used that in all three sections of my class today and it got a laugh in all three classes accompanied by thoughtful, understanding nods. However, I did have a flashback to a Scrubs episode a few weeks ago where J.D. asks all of his residents to stop laughing at his jokes if they (the jokes) weren't funny and no one laughed at any of his jokes.

I suppose I should give the backstory.

BACKSTORY
By Caitlein Ryan...just kidding...sort of...

DH (John) and I met in undergrad. I was friends, from high school, with some of his fraternity brothers and had agreed to help them with rush. While schmoozing, this very attractive (read: HOT) guy approaches the circle of girls and with irritating confidence (indicated by his Pinky and the Brain tie) introduces himself. After disclosing that he was pre-med I made some disparaging remark about him and all other guys who think they are cool (It was probably worded even more awkwardly that that). In an attempt to improve his image John announced that he was an Eagle Scout.

Me: Really? That’s kind of nerdy.
John: Well actually, I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts.
Me: What?!? How do you get kicked out of the Boy Scouts?

(For those of you who know the joke, you have by now realized that I have walked right into the trap, serving him a victory with parsley)

John: Yeah, I ate too many Brownies. (I hope that isn’t too offensive for the web…) :!

We moved in together the summer before junior year, broke up during the first time he took the MCATS, got back together a few months later, engaged the summer after undergrad graduation, married and conceived DS November of MS3.

During MS 1 and 2 I completed a Masters in Theatre Education for teacher certification, and During MS 3, 4 and PGY1 I got a PhD in Theatre with a focus on theatre for youth. We agreed that we would do it together, and so far it has worked out.

Our big dilemma right now is a second child. I would have been desperate for a child six months ago…now I am kind of numb about it. John feels we need to financially wait until I make enough money to support a second child…but more work means more time away from said child.

He’s rightish.

We could not afford for me to quit working entirely, but a second child would eat up all the additional income I provide in child care. I am just over the limbo land that is residency. I am over what it has done to my career and my family aspirations.

But at least I am a good lecturer

[Gwendolyn]

We would be considered cynical people. John is often worried that I am going to hell because I have a hard time getting into oppressive metanarratives. He is the gooey one that has watched Love Actually about 20 times, often in my absence. His cynicism comes into play when it comes to medicine. He is allopathic to the core. Old school. Yo.

DS was born with one small ear that has tested as severe hearing loss. After a full genetic work-up the explanation is that it is just who he is. His “good” ear is fine, but with conflicting tests suggesting mild hearing loss in frequencies that don’t show up in language. I have had a very difficult time getting the medical profession to be proactive with his ear…including my husband. Audiologists and language therapists have been supportive and helpful, only to have the Dr.s put on the breaks for a more conservative approach.

As a woman who has been a functional single mother while finishing a doctorate degree, the last thing I am interested in dealing with is being treated like I am overly emotional about my son’s apparent lack of speech development, particularly from my own husband.

After all of my insisting DS has been in speech therapy for three weeks and there is a noticeable difference…John admits it. DS gets a hearing aid in a few weeks that will also help improve speech development. With the existing improvement, some things have begun to clarify in diagnosis as well. I had noticed some patterns suggesting that it isn’t just that he isn’t hearing sounds (sensory), but he may also be having difficulty producing sound (motor). The speech therapist, without my propmting, brought it up today and suggested we do a motor evaluation…not her area…to rule it out or add some techniques to our arsenal.

I might as well have told John that I wanted to take James to the chiropractor! He immediately got upset that all “these people” do is create problems with soft diagnosis. “There’s nothing wrong with James!”

I know that it is not just that he doesn’t like the grey areas of therapy. I get that there is a component of DH not wanting anything to be “wrong.” I am so over wasting time being conservative on this one. I will be keeping such decisions to myself in the future.

[Gwendolyn]

I work for a children’s theatre doing workshops in local schools. When a school buys tickets for a group to go see a play they have the option of getting a pre or post show workshop. It is an opportunity to prepare students for the themes in a play and then give them time to process. I also teach other workshops for them like a 2-day drama where the students create a time machine to visit inventors in history as a companion to a science unit.

The play that is up right now is about Civil Rights and what legacy exists for young people today. The target audience is middle school and I have been teaching workshops about the play with 5th-8th graders. Milwaukee is a very segregated city and the students’ differences in frame of reference have been startling. In one school, the 6th graders (all three groups) didn’t even know the difference between the Civil Rights Movement and emancipation.

I will keep the story about the school I was at on Wednesday short a.k.a. there was more to it than this. In the middle of a substantive discussion about civil rights the teacher of the 8th grade class used multiple racial epitaphs about white people…I’m the only white person in the room. He wasn’t calling me names, but was chiding his students for acting too white or, more specifically, like “crackers” (to name one word he used).

I don’t feel discriminated against exactly, it’s not like my feelings are hurt really. I am mostly just uncomfortably confused.

There is a deep racial divide here that I did not experience in Arizona. So far I have felt like an outsider to that tension…maybe I can’t claim that anymore.

[Gwendolyn]

Happy Valentines Day :---

[Gwendolyn]

So, I suck at this keeping up with a blog thing.


Sorry.


Today would be like any other Wednesday...I don't want to do it. I have to get up at 5a then teach three college classes, hold office hours, then teach a grade 3/4 after school class and finally pick up my son, who I am worried has forgotten what I look like. I know there are plenty of moms out there who do this 4 and 5 days a week and I feel like a total wuss complaining about one day. My heart goes out to those women. This sucks.

So, I said today would be like a normal Wednesday...I went to bed at 10p last night prepping for the early morning and DH's pager went off 10 minutes later. Just in time for us to be drifting off to sleep. That alone is irritating. He wasn't gone long, but looked like he had been run over by a truck when he asked me in a quiet voice, "are you still up?" Usually he would quietly slip back into bed and be snoring in 1 minute flat.

Last night he was called in to do a shaken baby evaluation on an 18 month old that had been severely beaten. Needless to say, it took a while to get back to sleep and it has been haunting me all day and I wasn't even there. I tried to tell him that although brief, he got to be a good guy last night. He got to be one of the adults that would protect this baby, but I know it won't erase what he saw from his mind. I know there is no answer to this, but it leaves a yawning hole. How does this happen?

If only I wasn't the teacher! I would ditch everything and spend the day with DS. Snuggling, going to the museum, giving him as much juice as his little tummy can handle, did I mention snuggling?

I am having a hard time taking care of how I feel about it and I know falling short in helping DH take care of himself. It's a catch 22. You want to forget as soon as possible, but at the same time honor, by remembering, the life of this child...baby...so he doesn't disappear.

[Gwendolyn]

Here's the grand confession that always elicits a "WHAT?!?!" from those that hear it.

I never finished my master’s degree.

Now that it is out in the open I would like to complain about it. I suppose I should first explain myself. When DH got into medical school, I applied for the masters program to get my teaching degree, and keep me occupied for a few years. We were in Tucson and there is no medical school (MD there is a DO school) in Phoenix, so UofA sends about fifty students up to Phoenix for MS3 and 4 for clinicals. I am from Phoenix and DH thought he would get better experience in PHX, so he opted for Phoenix.

I had many other interests in undergard and often didn't go to class. My first year postgrad was really a baccalaureate track to get my grades up to qualify for the masters program (which was fine because I needed some extra classes for teacher certification)...so I was cramming a bunch of work into one year. The plan was to complete my thesis the last summer and graduate in August.

I chose to do a study using drama with brittle adolescents with diabetes. The IRB process alone took months. I went through three reviews before my study was accepted.

Well...Arizona State (Phoenix) has one of the best and only theatre for youth PhD programs in the country. I had always planned on getting my PhD, but later. After this residency mess was over with.

Shortly before the application was due, I had an identity crisis and decided that if we were going to be in Phoenix anyways, I needed to do this now...who knew what could happen in the future (divine inspiration).

I spent all summer trying to complete the study and I couldn't get more than two kids at a time in the study. The classes for my doctorate started. We got married in November and one month later I discovered I was pregnant with a honeymoon baby despite taking the pill. (I thank God every day for my beautiful child, we were just surprised he showed up when he did). I won't go into all of the fun drama my parents getting divorced at the same time caused.

So...I didn't finish the thesis. At one point I just decided not to get it. I have my doctorate...I don't need it...but...

My advisor e-mailed me a few months ago to tell me that I expire this summer. If I don't finish now, its done.

I am currently procrastinating writing the sections about positivism and critical theory...I just don't want to. I want to finish. Additionally working on this has given me a fulfillment that I haven't been experiencing in my job(s). What I really want to do is watch my recording of Gilmore Girls from last night.

Whine Whine Whine

O.K. back to work :chat:

[Gwendolyn]

So...yesterday was DH's birthday.

O.K., so we went out to dinner Saturday night, then I made a giant breakfast and decorated while letting him sleep until 11:00 on Sunday. Then I had to get ready, run an errand and go to rehearsal from 1-5 (totally unavoidable and DH is usually asleep with DS during that time on a Sunday anyways). When I get there I learn that the crew was farther along than they thought they would be and they need my laptop...which I did not bring. So…I call DH to ask him to bring it down. Of course, he huffs and puffs..."great birthday babe."

I am running a rehearsal consisting of 50, 6th-8th graders and 15 parents...all waiting for me to micromanage the details, so that they can do for themselves in the future. If you have never been to a tech rehearsal, it's a mad house...especially when the director (me) is also the stage manager.

The rest of the day was fine, he was *asleep* when I got home and we watched a movie with take out.

This morning I get up before he does, as I do every MW, to take a shower, get ready, get James ready, let the dogs out and feed them, pack up and go. I had a wardrobe crisis this morning and got a bit behind, when I asked DH, who woke up and hour after I did complaining about how I let my alarm go for too long, to help get James ready while I took care of the dogs, he rolls his eyes. Then I remind him that rehearsal will go until 7:00 tonight and I would like his to come get DS from me when he gets done with work. (4 hours is a long time for DS to be at rehearsal). “I’ll do what I can” He’s been getting done around 4:30!

All I can think today is how many times I had had to bring him his pager because he forgot it at home...who does that??? It is not like I forgot my computer and needed him to pick up the pieces. It came up unexpectedly. Why do I get up two hours before I need to leave the house to attend to all of the morning chores, so that he can wake up and be out of the house in 30 min? Doesn’t he want to see his kid?

I know what I signed on for, but sometimes I worry that I am teaching my husband to take advantage…you know that “you teach people how to treat you” thing.

I just hate that he doesn’t even seem to get it. When I snapped back at him this morning, he looked at me like the thought never crossed his mind. Even though we leave at the same time, I have to get up an hour before he does. It is as if his running list of what needs to be done matches that of a single guy with a maid service.

Complain, complain, complain

I know you guys won’t think I’m a bad wife or that John is a bad husband.

[Gwendolyn]

I'm just a bil, yes I'm only a bill. Sitting here on capitol hill...
:m

Three performances down and one more to go. The kids are doing a great job and I am really proud of them. The school is happy and the parents are happy...a major deal in an affluent private school.

The town newspaper wrote an article about me that was very nice despite the inaccuracies...like John being in medical school rather than residency.

It has been a hard week for me. John has been a grade A a**hole. We had our last day of James's communication group. We will still do speech therapy, but when I start my job with the Boys and Girls club, I will be working during comm group time. I have also been welcomed into the community at the school. I bring James to rehearsal and I feel like we've been apart of that community. That all ends tonight.

I am losing our two support groups. Places James and I go to twice a week every week and see the same people and chat about what's going on. Now that is done. i am back to a solitary life.

*Sigh*

[Gwendolyn]

*Sigh*

James was born with congenital hearing loss. Immediately after delivery, we could see that he had small pits at the top of each ear and one ear looked smaller…like it was smooshed. Everyone was quick to remind me that people who are deaf have no outer sign, so the reverse is also true. At birth James also presented with kidney and heart problems with an elevated hematocrit reading. He had to spend an hour in the NICU for an exchange (use the umbilical chord to trade saline for blood to drop the hematocrit reading). The heart concerns resolved with in a few weeks, and the kidney situation was deemed resolved at a year. He continued to fail hearing tests.

Almost three years later, we know that he has a tiny bit of loss in the left ear and a moderate-severe loss in his right ear. He is in speech therapy and just received a hearing aid. On the hearing test to set the hearing aid was exciting, because we learned that he actually heard more in the right ear than we previously thought. On the heels of that our ENT suggested we complete a CT scan to check for (I thought rule out) Enlarged Vestibular Aqueduct Syndrome (EVAS or LVAS).

Yesterday he was diagnosed with EVAS. There is little known about the syndrome. What is known is that it typically presents in people who already have some hearing loss. It is degenerative. James will continue to lose hearing capacity. When or how much is unknown. He may lose a little in one ear years from now, or he may steadily lose hearing capacity in both ears starting now. All we can do is be vigilant about having his hearing tested and try to get him as up to speed as possible on language now…The more he can get now the better off he will be if later he needs cochlear implants.

I was truly shocked. I am an even tempered person…not much phases me. I adapt quickly, but I was thrown through a loop. Thankfully, John has this week off to prep for the Ophtho boards and was able to be there with me. He asked all of the important questions while I tried to get my s*it together. I’m sad. I don’t want James to have to deal with this. I know everything will be fine. He is healthy and there are many options for therapy.

Good news is that we have a reconstructive surgery date on the 21st. They will lift up the top of the right ear to make it look more like the other and they will close the pits. The functional purpose is so that his right ear will be able to hold a hearing aid. Right now we have to use adhesive to stick the hearing aid to the side of his head or else it will flip over and pull the aid out of his ear.

Yesterday was a heavy day…

[Gwendolyn]

The initial shock has finally worn off. I was really touched by all of the kind responses I received. It’s a funny time right now because until recently, his hearing loss was rather theoretical. He was a baby…any behavioral indication that he had trouble hearing could also be explained by simply being a baby. Now it is clear when he struggles to pronounce a word or doesn’t turn my way when I call his name. We’ve been looking into sign language schools and the possibility of sign interpreter in school when it comes to that.

Other than this stuff James seems to be going through a developmental shift. This weekend he started to sing recognizable songs with the words. Before he would babble a tune that sounded like twinkle twinkle or itsy bitsy spider, but over the weekend I started to actually recognize words in the right order. I was visiting my brother and he confirmed I wasn’t using my mommy powers to decipher James’s babble.

It also looks like it is potty training time. I am terrified! I don’t know why, but I am. I guess I don’t want to be responsible for some horribly emotional trauma associated with elimination and evacuation. (Did you know that there were two separate terms for poo and pee?) He has been increasingly taking his diaper off of his own accord, and is typically dry through the night, unless he has woken up. He stops activity when he has to poop. Then two nights ago, while my brother and I were talking, James left playing and pulled on his pants to take them off. Once the pants were off, he yanked his diaper off. I thought it was fine…he hadn’t eaten yet, so… Within minutes James was crapping on my brother’s bedroom carpet…

I worry about the communication component…I’m not sure he understands everything, or can hear everything. I’ve read the rushing them to the toilet method can be scary, so how do I explain anticipating potty? I have more research to do.

San Francisco was a blast…I would love to live there. It is a beautiful city and I miss my brother so much. On top of the my husband actually missed me…I mean, I know he missed me, but it had been a rough couple of weeks. It was nice to have been greeted by the loving man I married instead of the crabby test study monster I had been living with.

[Gwendolyn]

In the midst of DS’s wild developmental ride, I have also been struggling with how I feel about my own career and life direction. I have mentioned it before, but I desperately want to be pregnant right now. We started talking about it about a year and a half ago…I wanted to start trying a year ago. Finances being the big upset…rather DH wisely recognizing that as it stands, we could not make it work and keep our marriage together. So, the conversation has yielded the compromise that if I can bring in more income…we can start trying. (You can see the land mines)

So I have applied for two jobs that I would love to have. They would be tremendous experiences and be great building blocks for my resume. I am sure that I have been cut from the pool on the university job (they were looking for someone coming from a tenure track position…I’ve only had my PhD for a year). I feel confident that I will be offered the other job. I am extremely excited about it. In many ways it is my dream job.

DH is hedging now on the baby issue. Worried about how much time away I would have to spend. (a concern, but workable) This makes my insides curdle. My biological clock is SCREAMING.

That issue aside, what if this is my dream job? I get it, love it and have to leave it in two years for DH’s fellowship?

I have to be honest. I am not a patient person. I like to make a plan and execute. I’ve had one year of limbo and it is killing me…one tiny year, but I worry having to leave my dream job would be worse…

[Gwendolyn]

“And the sign must be the unity of a heterogeneity, since the signified (sense or thing, noeme or reality) is not in itself a signifier, a trace: in any case is not constituted in its sense by its relationship with a possible trace…the “formal essence” of the sign can only be determined in terms of presence.”

Seriously. Just thought I would share some of the total bullsh*t I am in the middle of deciphering. I know some people get a hard-on for complex philosophical thinking, but even philosophers complain about Derrida’s writing. Keep in mind that I have shared a small piece that I have found useful…the rest is infinitely sh*ttier. Can you tell? I have deteriorated so much that all I can think of to describe the situation is sh*t.
:chat: :c :thud:

[Gwendolyn]

How am I not on a second page yet? :!

[Gwendolyn]

Man it has been an intense few weeks. I made it through a few rounds of interviews for a perfect job. Now I am just waiting. I am also in the final stages of rewrites for my thesis. Is it ass backwards or what to quote your dissertation in your thesis? The final draft is due to the committee on Thursday and then defense on June 2. This has been a lot of work…maybe even more intensive than my dissertation, but had I done it in the proper order probably it wouldn’t have been. My advisor is determined that I learn something from this, so she is working only as a editor…to groom me for what it is like submitting a book manuscript for publication…thuck fat!

On the flip side, I learned a research project she and I did four years ago has been picked up for publication…my first juried publication…I am very excited about that. I will be the first do accomplish that in my graduating cohort. Just in time to include in my portfolio for this job.

Also, grades were due today…a plagiarism case and 10 lost (the office placed them elsewhere until I came inquiring about them) finals later, I missed the deadline (again) by 15 minutes. I know the dean thinks I am a total idiot who can’t get her grades in on time. If he only knew how hectic things were right now…maybe there is no excuse, but…I feel justified…

DH blew Mother’s Day. For some reason he misses the fact that his residency does not exempt him from doing something. Especially if he is home all weekend. So I took care of making arrangements and smiled at DH when the check came. We went to Old World Wisconsin for brunch and a day of walking around. It was a perfect day…in the midst of a tram ride he promised he would get better and I believe him. We all had a great time.

In addition to all the drama, I have had to make some major decisions about DS’s education next year (sign language school or auditory/oral school w/o sign language). We’ve (I’ve) decided to go with auditory/oral school with private sign tutoring. It is important to maximize his oral development now while he has the most amount of auditory input he will have.

We are headed to AZ next week for my SIL’s graduation. That will be fun. DH and I have decided to take DS to day care on Monday and go to Great America for the day. DH is so excited right now, I think he might pass out in the parking lot when we get there. Then we are home for a few days and DS and I are back on the plane to Phx and Tucson for my thesis defense and some time with my side of the family.

I will keep you all posted on the developments.