Let the Games Begin

[Stella]

I made an appointment with a psychologist for next Monday. I was so scared to call and actually do it, but I feel better that I did. Of course, my insurance only covers 12 visits over 12 months but I'll make the best of my once a month visits! I'm just thinking that once a month will never be enough for me to handle all my issues. :> I haven't told SO and I'm not sure I will for a while. This is something I need to do on my own and he'd probably get freaked out anyway.

In the meantime, I will continue to repeat positive affirmations...

[Stella]

So, in light of some advice I received, I called my dad and asked him to write me a list of the things that he loves/likes about me. I'm going to print it out and put it on my dresser mirror so that I can read it every day. He just sent me the list, and it couldn't have put a bigger smile on my face (and a few sappy tears, but hell, I'm emotional!)

Hi Daughter,
I'll have to be quick with this, but;

You are an awesome daughter!

You are also;

Beautiful
Intelligent
Logical
Opinionated (this can be a negative thing also, but it's good that you actually have opinions)
Have an accurate, good, and healthy view of life
Friendly
Sociable
Humorous
Overall positive and optimistic outlook
Desire the good things in life (I mean not just materialistic things)

…see, I could on for a while. (What's that? Don't stop now?)

Anyway, I love you very much and am very proud of the person that you are.
Keep your chin up daughter and remember, you have parents who will always love you!

Dad

[Stella]

So, yesterday was my first appointment with the therapist. It was good, it was bad, and it was definitely interesting. She asked why I was there, to which I could only reply, "I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me. I guess that's why. Does that make sense?" I think she was relatively new, but she was nice enough. She asked about my anxieties, my past, my childhood, my parents and their SOs. When she asked me about my dad, I burst into tears. I guess that was bothering me, no? She said that it did sound like I had a lot going on and that it was understandable for me to feel overwhelmed. Just hearing that made me feel so much better. Sometimes I feel like I'm fabricating things in my life and that I shouldn't be overwhelmed because nothing is "that big of a deal." She reminded me that things that happen to me matter because they happened to ME and that was enough. We're going to work through things a little bit each week and she also wants to help me come up with a few things that would be fun for me to do alone so I am not relying on Michael all the time. I think that sounds great!

Afterward, I talked to Michael and gave him a run-down on our session. He was surprised at the number of things (particularly related to my family) that worried me or concerned me because I have never brought them up. I guess I just never wanted to burden him. We agreed that we would talk more about the things on our minds. I think that will be nice as well.

So, it's a new step, I suppose. I have homework, too.

[Stella]

1. Therapy
I had session #2 on Monday. I didn't cry this time! She asked me more about my mom and, boy, are these people good at picking up on things that you don't see yourself! I think I said one comment about how my mom is pretty embarrassing but every once in a while she's the mom you expect. Then, I mentioned that SO had the "perfect family." Those comments pretty much gave into a 30 minute conversation about my expectations. What are they? What do I expect from other people? Why do I feel responsible for my family? Why am I afraid to talk to Michael about my concerns? Why am I so concerned with meeting expectations?
All interesting stuff. She thinks that I might have so much anxiety and stress because I set unrealistic expectations for myself and others and I feel responsible for other people. My perfectionism needs to be lessened. (All true and brilliant observations. I feel like she will be able to help me a lot.)
Homework: Write about what I expect out of my life. What is my ideal life like?

2. Michael
Last night was a very powerful time for Michael and I. We were hanging out a little at his apartment and (out of the blue) he puts on music and lights candles and then tries to have sex with me. I was reading before and it all felt so random that it was very awkward. He laid on the bed for about 30 seconds before he sighed, got up, blew out the candles and just said "Forget it."
Finally, we decided to talk about it. "It" being that it feels awkward about 80% of the time and we only have sex about once a week. That's not good for a couple our ages...
Some reasons we came up with: stress and anxieties about school/jobs; residual effects from the Depo I was on for 6 months after surgery (during which I didn't even want him to touch me); physical fitness (or lack thereof) - I haven't gained weight but I've lost shape and he has gained about 20 pounds since we started dating; no need to flirt, etc. now that we've been together for a while - it doesn't feel as "exciting." It helped to acknowledge those issues, but I still feel awful and I don't look forward to it anymore. What is wrong with me?? I used to be a "go-getter" in the bedroom and now I just want to cry at the prospect of doing anything.

At the end of the sex talk, he placed his hand on my arm and asked, "Are you okay? I'm just worried about you." A tear fell from my eyes and at that moment, I knew I loved him more than anything. I told him how I was disappointed with my life and that I hated my job. I hated that I wasn't doing something I loved and always wanted to do and that I was terrified of pursuing my dreams. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to keep it together and for being so stressed out. I told him that I felt horrible about our sex issues and that I felt like it was all my fault. I don't like my apartment, I don't really like Richmond, I don't have anyone to talk to except for him and I miss my friends and my theatres and my restaurants. He turned to me, hugged me, and said, "I'll be your rock, okay? I'll be your strength here and you can always talk to me about this stuff, okay? You're going to be fine and you can do this." :---

He was everything I needed. And then we made love.

3. Apartment
The exterminator came last Monday and the spiders were still there. Then they came and caulked around a bunch of the stuff where they might have been. Saturday, I bombed the bathroom during doggy class and then went on a stark raving mad cleaning sweep. I think you could probably treat a burn victim in there now. Still waiting to get the exterminators back out again.

I signed up for FlyLady. I need to at least *try* it. I need some serious de-cluttering help and this might do it. I actually think I'm going to skip dance class and work on my apartment instead. I'm actually excited. I'm such a nerd.

[Stella]

So... it's 9:37pm on Saturday night and I still haven't heard from Michael. He went to the church dinner at 6 or 6:30 and we were tentatively planning on catching a movie together at 9:00 and definitely on spending the evening together. I called him at 9 and he hasn't called back. Why would this stupid dinner last so late and why hasn't he called me to tell me it would be so much later than expected????

I think I should change my screen name to "Always Waiting" ...

[Stella]

Some pictures...
Fall Foliage in Richmond

Paris

[Stella]

Overall, its been a shitty two weeks which is why I've posted nothing of any worth or substance. Until TODAY! I got a new car and it is BEAUTIFUL!! It's my dream car!!! (And I got a to-die-for deal!)

[Stella]

We had a great day!! I'm so relaxed today!

SO came over at around 12:15 Friday night and (as you probably know, I was a couple glasses in) and we watched TV and I fell asleep on his shoulder on the couch.
We woke up at around 9am yesterday and took Paris to the dog park until noon. So fun!! She did really well with all the other dogs which is great because I've been worried that she's been having some leash aggression issues and it's been really discouraging. She ended up having a blast and played wonderfully with the other dogs. Michael and I just loved it too. It was pretty cold though, but other than that it was lots of fun.
After that, we came home and I made us lunch and we put together my new desk table.
Then was dog class and graduation! Michael came with me to the graduation and she completed her final evaluation course with flying colors!
After doggy school, we came back and took a nap and then went to dinner at Franco's a fabulous Italian place here. We had the 5-Course Chef's Tasting Menu and a great Sangiovese. On the menu was a Portabello Mushroom Soup (amazing!!!!), a Caprese, a fettucini past in lobster caper sauce with jumbo shrimp (mm!!), a filet with a red wine glace and garlic mashed potatoes, and then for desert we had mango sorbet and a goat cheese custard (YUM). It was SO GOOD!!

After dinner, we went to the movies and saw Little Miss Sunshine. It was LAUGH OUT LOUD hilarious!!! Smile It was great! Then we came home, played Mancala and drank tea and then went to bed!

It was a GREAT DAY!!!

[Stella]

Holy smokes, I went to the gym today. Now I smell. And I remember why I don't like going to the gym. :>

[Stella]

Disclaimer: My writing in this post is horrid. I wrote quickly. Forgive me?

Wow. I haven't updated you all on anything in so long. I'm really sorry. I feel like I have been distancing myself from this website on some levels and I am not really sure why. I promise I'm still alive and well - I have just had a lot going on lately. I finally have a few moments to relax and I've been on this board for the past hour and a half trying to catch up, but there is so much!

So... I had friends come into town on the 18th for my birthday which was really fun. We all went out to dinner (terrible food and of course, I had chosen the place) and then out to a bar/club for drinks and dancing. Michael stayed home for the whole affair because he had a test the following Tues/Wed. I had a lot of fun but wasn't feeling well that night with the chronic headaches (didn't want to mix the Tramadol with all the alcohol, but should have just settled on being a loopy mess b/c the headaches made me cranky) and the onset of my first ever bladder infection.

So... the drug regime of the last two weeks has been laugh-out-loud for me. My Internist put me on Tramadol for the headaches and Lexapro for my anxiety/stress issues and then gave me something else which I haven't taken yet for specific stressful events that I can foresee. Add to that my birth control and then with this UTI the cranberry pills, the Cipro, the amoxicillan, the Uristat, the Cystrex (or whatever it's called) and I'm around 7 pills in the morning and 5 in the afternoon and at night - sometimes more depending on how my head is feeling. Good grief!! This is the most medicine I've ever taken in my life. Anyway, the UTI is hopefully gone by now, but we still aren't sure. We are waiting to hear back on a culture. When the hell has a UTI ever lasted for 10 days?!?!?! I've been such a crab.

The Thursday before last (the day I went to the doc for the headaches and stress - which, ironically, really stressed me out) Michael did the nicest thing he's ever done. I was stressed about the stress and my head and the fact that my apartment was in shambles and I had to get it all done before my friends came on Saturday. While I was at work, he skipped school and cleaned my entire apartment. He did the huge pile of dishes. He hung pictures, a lamp, folded blankets, made my bed, took all the trash out. I got home and cried when I saw it - it was amazing. He came over later that night to watch Grey's and we had a few drinks. After the show, we went for a walk outside and he stopped me halfway through and told me all the romantic things he's never said and I've always wanted to hear - how he couldn't love anyone else the way he loves me, how I make this all possible for him and I am his happiness, that he knows he wants to marry me and have a family with me, that he thinks I will be a perfect mother, and that he never wants anything bad to ever happen to me. :--- It was amazing and I have never felt more connected to him. He's the love of my life and I am so grateful to have him!

****This story is definitely not in chronological order... Sorry.

So last Wednesday, Michael and I went to my dad's house for Thanksgiving/Birthday weekend. I cooked our dinner (which was delish!) and we had a fun day thought, I admit, I was a total grouch and pessimist - I don't know why. I think I get nervous when I go home nowadays because I'm worried about my dad and I have some um... control issues. Anyway, it didn't ruin the weekend or anything. We ended up having a pretty good time overall!!

Friday was my birthday (woohoo!) and I am finally catching up in age with the rest of the world. I got some FABULOUS gifts!!
From my brother:


From my dad:


From Michael:


My mom got me beautiful handcrafted silver servewear from Aruba and my youngest bro got me a Visa giftcard.

I have to say, I feel very special and extremely blessed after such a generous display from my family. They went way overboard. It is interesting that this happened, too, because all I could think about on my birthday and in the coming days was how I didn't need anything and I was just perfectly happy being with Michael and my family - that presents didn't matter. (But they sure were nice! ) Michael's parents also got me a nice bamboo cutting board and a cookbook. Very sweet.

We also went shopping at 5:30 am and I got some stellar deals. I am practically finished with my Christmas shopping.


We came back late Saturday night thoroughly frustrated with each other. But all was fine on Sunday when we went to my FIL's to decorate their tree. It was so fun and his mother is just a complete blessing. We talked and talked and talked and she is so warm and I know that she loves me. I feel so lucky. We had a great time and I even got a compliment from his dad at how great I was on the ladder (their tree is SO TALL!)

Last night, I bought a mini-tree and ornaments from Target and decorated my tree while listening to Aimee Mann's Christmas album (so good - run and buy it!) My tree is only three feet tall but I bought purple, teal, and blue lights and did all jewel tones on it. It looks beautiful!! We are going to decorate Michael's tree tonight!

So far, I've been well. I just really need to work on keeping myself relaxed. Michael is worried about me and he told me that I seem negative so often and he just wants me to be happy. I feel so... embarrassed. I don't want to be that way and I don't want to seem like I am constantly obsessed with how difficult this or that is. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel fulfilled. I probably need a new job. Sigh.

Anyway, I am very thankful and I hope that everyone else has been doing well. I haven't been around the boards as much, but I still care - I promise. I'm just busy.

[Stella]

I wish that once - just once - SO could act like he was actually excited to see me. I haven't seen him since Sunday night and he called at 2pm to say he finished his exams. (He's now finished with this semester.) He asked what I was up to and I told him I took the day off so I was free to do whatever, and he sounded disappointed. He said he wanted to clean his room and make some dinner and shower and he'd call me in 3 hours. All I could say was, "Oh." I just figured he'd be more excited to see me than clean his room... Guess not.

I still haven't heard from him. Now my buzz to spend time with him is killed because he didn't sound excited to see me - at all. And lo and behold, we were supposed to make the damned gingerbread house tonight. I swear, I just need to burn that stupid kit.

[Stella]

Selfish, selfish, selfish. Some days he just really makes me feel like crap.

[Stella]

Umm, okay, so he's really not selfish. Actually, he's been taking care of me and the dog while I'm sick and being generally very wonderful. What can I say...life (especially medical life) is a roller coaster.

Anyway, remember a while ago we were having conversations about which celebrities we looked like??? Well, I think I have found my match: Zooey Deschanel. Here she is from Elf:




And here are a couple from my holiday party and my birthday:

[Stella]

We are off to the slopes! Wish us a safe drive and good skiing. It's currently raining right now. Oh well, we'll make it fun no matter what! My family is dancing around singing "Skiing in the rain!"

As far as Michael is concerned, I had a short but forward conversation (kind of out of the blue for him, but whatever) about how when he says things to me in the way he does [i]sometimes[/] it makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel like a failure and like he doesn't respect me or value me for me. I told him that every time he says something to me I remember it, and it breaks my heart a little more each time. If it continues, it will be broken without repair. I told him that for him to speak to me that way is unacceptable and it stops now. If he does it again, I'm going to walk away (from him or the moment, not the relationship) because I don't want to hear it. He just sat there quiet, I think a little shellshocked. I also told him that sorry wouldn't cut it anymore. I asked him if he had anything to say about that and he said that he would really work on that and he was sorry for being an ass. I said that would be sufficient for now. Anyway, we'll see if that does anything in the future... but I feel stronger now. So thanks, everyone. And thanks, Flynn, because your advice and experiences are invaluable.

I'll also reply to PMs when I get back... I have to run! I LOVE THIS SITE, btw. Yall are a lifesaver and a wonderful affirmation to my strength. Thanks...

[Stella]

Aaaand it's 2007. How time flies, no? I died my hair last night a bright blonde and I feel so much more "in my skin," if you will. It's always a nice feeling to be in your element. I just wish the rest of my life would follow suit. I will write more and actually update you all on my life. I've been avoiding it for some reason and now people are asking me where the hell I've been. I promise, eventually, I will update you on my life.

But not now.