Let the Games Begin

[Stella]

So, I haven't updated anyone on anything going on in my life recently. Just bitching here and there doesn't really count, I guess.

First, I'll start with some pictures because those are the most fun.

This was Michael and I at our ski house in Snowshoe, WV over Christmas.



This was my dad's "Christmas tree." The stupid wife hates Christmas (hag) and so my dad got this little bush and decorated it. I thought it was hilarious!


This is me with the darker hair. It was supposed to be much darker than that, but I guess it wanted to stay blonde. I've since lightened it a LOT.


Right before Christmas, I had Pippin (chihuahua at my mom's house) staying with me and he and Paris got along so well. It really makes me want another dog!


New Years Eve was fun. This is Michael and his best friend Ned. Ned is wonderful and a real stand up kind of guy. He's engaged to Lia, who is great also, and Michael will be the Best Man in their wedding in June. Here they are.


And this is the only picture of me for the whole night. I was trying to stay up for my little brother - he had to work a party at the club that night and wasn't getting home until 4am. I didn't last long.




So, things with Michael are getting MUCH better. I haven't seen him a ton but we've spent a lot of this weekend together and have been having an absolutely wonderful time. Last night we went to Sette - a brick oven pizza place and we used a gift certificate that his sister gave him for Christmas. The gift certificate was only for $50 but when we got the reciept back it said we had a $55 balance on it - turns out the gift certificate was actually for $100 (!!!) but his sister had only paid for $50. We are so excited to have 50 free dollars!! Afterward, we watched a movie together and then... :wildthing .
He's been eating better and working out and he has lost 11 pounds since the last time we had sex (yeah, it's been a while ), and wooooo! What a difference! My boyfriend is hot. He's going to try to lose ten more. The girls will be all over him.

Anyway, the dog is doing well. I'm falling in love with her so much and really bonding with her lately. I switched her to a new food that should make her even prettier. I love my girl. I also got my two fish, who are doing great. Paris likes to lay on the couch and watch them swim around.

I'm very happy right now with my life. It's a good feeling. I hope it stays like this for a while!

[Stella]

My endometriosis hurts SO BAD!!! I don't want to have surgery again... but it may be my only option yet again. This SUCKS!!

[Stella]

I'm feeling so frustrated with everything today and I have been really confused lately...

I am so fed up with my job. Crazy Girl just gets in the way of everything and yet she gets the final say in what happens with our job placements. It's hard to explain to anyone not in the HR/Staffing arena, but it just sucks. I think by now she has probably cost me at least $5K in deals. Our bosses do NOTHING about the issues with her and since we got a new recruiter, there has been another voice on my side of the issue. I sent my resume to a friend at a travel insurance company who is going to try to get me a job (she's in HR there) as a Customer Relations type person, hosting events for Disney, etc. It sounds really fun, the pay is okay but about the same, and I'd have some travel, too. I am just sick of getting a splitting headache every damn day because I am stressed about work.

I am broke - it came out of nowhere but all of a sudden, I seem to owe everyone a ton of money and I have nothing to use to pay them. I am going to try to file my tax return next week so I can get some money back ASAP to use toward my debts. I just hope it happens that I get a lot back. Last year, I got $1500, so we'll see what this year brings... I'm trying to sell stuff on eBay, conserve gas, not eat out as much, etc. but it's so difficult and I'm always stressed out about everything. I need a way to make money fast, but there is nothing that will do it.

Valentine's Day is on Wednesday. I don't know what the hell to do for Michael and it's too late to order any of the cute personalized things I wanted to get for him. I'm also just confused about "us" and so I can't gear up to do anything super romantic right now. I am disappointed in where we are now and how we got here. He's a great guy, I'm just afraid that we'll have spent all this time together for nothing in the end. I am not sure I want to marry him anymore. I am not okay with his selfish side or the audacious remarks he sometimes makes. He's not understanding with my GAD and even uses it against me. He is reactive and not comforting when I have an anxiety attack and it only makes it worse on me. I can't help it every time and he doesn't see it that way. Good thing he's going to be a doctor, right? I've been feeling distant from him and I think it shows in how I've been treating him. I just feel... tired. I am hoping it is just a phase, as it very well may be, but I feel anxious and uncomfortable and expectant - for what? I have no idea. I guess I'm kind of restless right now and feeling a little miffed that he doesn't think about it at all. He just assumes that when the time is right, we'll get married, and that is that. To me, it's not that easy.

This stuff has had me thinking a lot about different things. I had a dream a few nights ago about my ex. (In the dream, he cheated on me. ) I think the dream was spurred by seeing him on Sunday. He was at the Super Bowl Party and I couldn't stop looking at him. He's my type - tall, slender, writer, blue eyes, funny. We had a lot of bad times, but I still felt excited to be near him again. Afterwards, I just felt depressed and guilty for feeling that way after we've been broken up for almost 3 years... I just feel like a terrible girlfriend.

I have also been wondering if there is any truth to "The One" and if not, how do you get around the thought that maybe there is and you missed them? What if you go through your whole life wondering if you missed your soulmate? What if you go through your whole life thinking you let your soulmate go? I'm just so torn up about this stuff, I can't stop thinking about it. And if there is no "One" or soulmate, do you just pick someone who is "good enough"? That just seems depressing to me.

Apparently, I watched too many Disney movies as a kid...

So, the three biggest things that set off my anxiety (money, work, and relationships) are off the charts. I feel like I'm about to have a massive freak-out and it is only a matter of time.

[Stella]

First of all, thanks to my friends here for talking to me. I need all your pep talks and your advice, even if it is brutally honest. It takes a lot to offend me.

Second, I have a job interview on Tuesday. I'll let you know how it goes...

[Stella]

The job interview got postponed until tomorrow. Apparently the manager is sick. That means I did my hair and ironed a shirt for nothin'. Ah well.

Work has been... awful. CG is even crazier than normal and has been completely up and down this week. We found out through the grapevine that she has interviewed at other companies, so we are saying our prayers that she leaves. New Girl and I get alone great but we both are feeling extremely frustrated with the company and CG. I have an interview tomorrow for a Client Relations position and I know that NG is going to start looking soon, too.

SO called me today to wish my luck on my interview and to say he was thinking about me. It was sweet, especially since I haven't seen him since Friday!! I think I am going to stop by his house on my way home from work and just say hi. He has another big test tomorrow (two actually) but he said he wanted to see me, even if it's only for ten minutes. :sweet:

And I tried to efile my taxes last night. It says I owe $500. That is NOT good! I'm sending my forms to my mom so she can have their tax people do them in case I screwed up. I really hope I screwed up.

[Stella]

Tonight, I hung out with Michael and I fell asleep on the couch around 11pm. He woke me up at 11:30 and said he was leaving because he just got off the phone with his friend and they are picking him up tomorrow morning at 8am for "guy's weekend" in Charlottesville. Apparently, it is not an option to just wake up early to go home and meet them. Anyway, I got pissed (he had his coat on and was tying his shoes by the time he decided to fill me in....) and he "offered" (i.e. Well, if you don't like it, you can just come over to my house then!) for me to stay at his house and I told him "No way!" We got into it and he left and I was fuming.

Anyway, I called him and told him I was sick of his attitude and that I thought the way he approached the situation was rude and uncalled for and that I was sick of it. If he was going to leave it like that, it was best to just leave it all together and not bother calling me all weekend. He refused to compromise, saying he wasn't sorry and he'd just call me tomorrow. I told him I wouldn't answer, possibly not ever if that was his attitude, and I hung up on him.

He called me back and asked if I hung up on him or if he accidently hung up on me. haha. I said, Of course I did! and that I didn't want to talk to him because I was disappointed in his behavior. We hung up.

He called me back AGAIN about fifteen minutes later and apologized. APOLOGIZED. You do not understand what a milestone this is! I was thrilled!! He said, "I'm really sorry I handled it the way I did. It wasn't right. Please don't break up with me."

I'm so happy. I can't believe he apologized! And I held my ground and it WORKED!

:stars: :happyrolling: :happyrain: hone: :nana: :mydoc: :hey:

[Stella]

Things with Michael are really good right now and have been for a while. I'm happy and enjoying it.

Also, the shit has hit the fan at work. My boss and the new recruiter I really like both quit on Thursday. Now it's just CG and I left. She thinks that someone in the company started a rumor about her sleeping with clients and now she is threatening to sue this person for slander. I don't know if she thinks it was me or the other recruiter or someone from another office, but I am so over her dramatic BS. The owner of our company is coming down tomorrow and "wants both of us there." He didn't say why, but I overheard her complaining to him about the slander issue. I don't know what their plan is but if they decide to fire me, I'll come back with sexual harrassment for having to hear about her sex life at work - the girl talks and it makes it really ... awkward. Anyway, I am so fed up with this damn company and I can't WAIT to leave!!

I have a second interview with the new company on Tuesday! I am so excited but I'm also really nervous. This job is in a different industry and it sounds like something that I would absolutely LOVE, so I really want to impress them this week. They are making a decision by Friday. I'm so nervous and excited!! Wish me

[Stella]

Well, I am terrible at updating apparently. A whole month since my last entry? Who knew?

I took the marketing position with my parents. I already love the flexibility and I'm enjoying the work I've done since last week. (My gift bags turned out perfectly! Tomorrow I'm meeting with a guy from the virtual tours website so that should be fun too.

My SUV is packed to the brim with clothes, etc. I'd say it's all for moving over to my mom's house but if I was completely honest I'd also have to mention that it is free laundry. I'm going to have to cram the dogs in there somehow!

The dogs are doing much better. They went threw a crazy period of Paris peeing randomly (wtf?) and Chachi pooping everywhere. Thank God that is over!

Since going through with crazy job fiasco and having a ton of time on my hands I have done some serious thinking. I think that I have gone away from my true self a little bit while dating Michael. It upsets me that I have let that happen. He doesn't exactly bring out my fun funky artsy side and it's something that is very much a part of me. Seeing my best friend and other friends for St. Patrick's Day this weekend was a big reminder that I'm not the same person I used to be. I don't know if I feel embarrassed of that part of me around Michael or if he just doesn't bring it out in me. He's so... staid. I wish he were a little more... creative? aranoid: Is that bad?

I guess this is what your 20s are? This is what finding yourself is all about? Ugh. Whatever it is, it has gone to my hips. Someone kick me and MAKE ME WORK OUT.

I'm such a grump today. Where's my fun side?

I miss my friends.

[Stella]

Things are going pretty well here. I started working as the Creative Marketing Director for my parents and it is going pretty well. I've been super busy making flyers and brochures and shopping for gift baskets and creating video tours and websites. So far, so good, but there is SO MUCH TO DO. I've been working a lot but at least I get to have Chachi on my lap while I do it! It makes it much easier to keep working when you enjoy what you do and you don't have to work with CG all day. I heard through the grapevine that CG moved to Northern Virginia so I don't have to deal with her ever again! Yay! The only downside to my new job is that I am spending the entire week at my parents' instead of just a few days/week. It will change within a couple weeks when I hit my stride and really know my job but for right now I'm still learning and trying to catch up on everything. I just miss going to bed with my honey every night and waking up next to him...

Michael is doing well. His first year hasn't really been too difficult for us. Especially for the weeks I wasn't working, we had lots of time to spend together. Too much? Maybe. The one good thing about me being gone all week is that we are really excited to see each other on the weekends. He's been pretty good about making time for me when I'm there and studying late during the week. Right now, we are doing okay. I wouldn't say we are great but we do have lots of things to work on. We'll get there. He says that despite our problems and frustrations, he really believes that we have a solid core that can't be touched. He's never told me he felt that way before until a couple weeks ago and it meant so much to me that he said it and feels that way. I had no idea. It's made it easier to deal with fights and frustrations knowing that he really believes in us. Why can't men be more verbal about this stuff ALL of the time? It would make my life so much easier. (and that's what it is all about right? )

Cachi and Paris are doing well. They love playing with Katie and Pippin (my parents' dogs) and have taken to watching Cutie (named by my little sister), a little green bird that supposedly can learn to talk. We're all trying to get him to say "Hello" right now and we can see that he is trying really hard to make his vocal chords work. He's still so young though. It's really funny that this bird is growing on me because I am NOT a bird person. But he's actually pretty cool. I'm secretly trying to get him to say "Asshat" but it might take him a while. :>

Last night, I had dinner with my high school best friend, Stacey, and my old AP Government teacher from high school. It was so good to see him - it had been over 5 years! In high school, he was our Athletic Director and the Varsity Basketball coach. I don't remember how we got close so early because he wasn't my teacher until senior year, but he was always like an Uncle to me in high school. He's always been a mentor and a friend so it was good to see him and catch up. Unfortunately, his life has taken some unfortunate turns (he was wrongfully accused of having a relationship with a student and forced to resign from his position. His long term (20 years?) girlfriend left him and he was forced to move back with his parents...all at 40. He now teaches Middle School social studies. I'm definitely inviting him to my wedding, along with a few other teachers that I respected greatly and I think really helped shape me as a person through their guidance and place as role models in my life.

Sunday, my brother turned 21! I got him a bottle of Patron and a pinata filled with airplane bottles... glass airplane bottles. I'm such a ditz. At least he has the Patron... (I didn't finish the rug I started for him because the dogs peed on it. ) Anyway, he's old now and I can't believe it. Good news though? He might not join the Army after all!! I really hope he doesn't! I'd be so proud of him if he did and support him, but I don't want him joining our military at a time like this. It was hard having my Uncle away in Iraq but I can't imagine if something happened to my brother. It tears me up just to think of it. I know it's selfish for me to feel this way, but I do. I just do. :|

As far as things to look forward to, I'm going to start taking more cooking classes. They are expensive but what the hell?! I love it! I take them at Sur La Table. When I find a new apartment in August, I don't care where I move, I just want a nice kitchen! I hate my dinky kitchen. It's smaller than my bathroom at my mom's house! Anyway, I signed up on the waiting list for Essential Knife Skills next Wednesday. I hope I can get into the class!

[Stella]

Well... Michael and I aren't really speaking right now (my choice.) I don't know what I want from him. I'm so depressed about where things have ended up with us. I love him. I really do. But is that enough? I told him last night (after an argument) that I needed a few days to think about things. He agreed that we have issues but didn't think they were as big a deal as I'm making it out to be. He said he was too "busy" right now to deal with it because he has a lot of tests coming up and couldn't we just put it off for a month or so? Am I supposed to con myself into thinking that everything is okay for a month and then address our issues? It isn't fair.

He thinks I'm overreacting and "freaking out" (his favorite phrase for me ) over things that haven't happened yet. Little does he know I'm thisclose to just calling it quits because I'm so damn tired. I'm just exhausted from the arguing, the apathy, the assumptions and accusations. I can't take it anymore.

So...I told him I would talk to him on Thursday. He huffed and replied with "Good Lord... whatever." And he wonders why I don't feel like he gives a shit...

How did we end up here? How did I end up so... apathetic? I'm not in this 110%. I don't have the motivation to try or to care. I am just... over it. I don't know how long I can just drift through this relationship while nothing changes...

Why do things seem important to me and miniscule to him? Why isn't the fact that they are important to me enough to make him pay attention?

...........sigh..........

[Stella]

This was a good weekend...miraculously. It actually started off terribly but after the first hour of fighting, I started crying and we both decided to just be nicer to each other. Guess what? It worked!

Friday night we had a friend over for dinner. I made salad and steak and asparagus and we drank way too much wine and had a blast. Saturday we went wine tasting with another couple friend of ours. We went to Barboursville Vineyards and Horton Vineyards. Barboursville won hands down - their wines are great! (If you happen to run across them I would recommend the '99 Cabernet Franc and the Octagon and any of the dessert wines.) Anyway, you can imagine the moods (good ones, really!) we were in after sampling 75 different wines! If you can't imagine, here are some pictures to give you an idea:







All in all, it was rediculously fun and we had a great time. After tastings, we went to Charlottesville for dinner (Blue Light Grill for dinner and Escafe for dessert for all you Cville people!) It was so good. Blue Light's calamari is to die for. I was so excited to have it again.

I wish it wasn't Monday and I wish I didn't have to work anymore. Oh well. I have GOT to start geering up for summer. My fat stomache is growing at a rapid pace and I need to do something about it. :|

The weather has been rockstar awesome. I have some things to look forward to. Life is getting better. Which is always a good thing.

[Stella]

Another gorgeous 80 degree day. I can get used to this.

Anyway, I have to decide by the end of the week whether or not I want to move out of my apartment. I'm having the most difficult time coming to a decision. I put a lot of time into my apartment but it's also missing a lot of the amenities I'm looking for - particularly a dishwasher, laundry, and storage space. More room would be a plus, but it's not necessary by any means. My landlords have found a tenant who is interested in moving into my apartment by either July or August but are willing to tell her no if I decide I want to stay. I just need to know soon.

So, my action plan has been to look around like crazy for an apartment or at least to see what is out there. As of right now, I have three options IF I decide to move. One is a two bedroom apartment with dishwasher that would be $150 more/month. I'm not sure yet if I can afford that but the extra space would be amazing. The next I'm not sure will be available but would be sweet if it was. And lastly, a place on Park Avenue with recently renovated kitchen and a WALK IN CLOSET! I would be floored to get it. I have an appointment to view it on Thursday or Friday. Yay! Now I'd actually have somewhere to store all those shoes.

Wish me luck!

[Stella]

So...I got an apartment! I had to hand over a check for $715. I don't even have that much money right now. I had to borrow from my dad until I get my deposit back on my current apartment. Anyway, the apartment is going to be great. It's not exactly bigger than the apartment I have now, but the layout is going to be a huge improvement. I will have a huge kitchen with lots of storage, lots of counterspace, and a DISHWASHER! I'll also have laundry IN the apartment and private parking! And two BIG closets for all my crap. YAY! And, it's only a block away from Michael's house. We are both really excited!

I have a job interview next week. My parents don't know. But I just don't want to not live at home anymore. MY home. They have been so nice to open up their home to me and the dogs and have been truly very accomodating to all my wants and needs, but... I miss my house. I miss Richmond. (Never thought I'd say that!) I miss my friends and not being able to do anything during the week. I'm just stuck in my parents' house with my parents! It's enough to drive me insane even though they are wonderful. Plus, the work isn't what they really said at first. It's not as creative as it was supposed to be and I feel like a secretary.

The job for which I'm interviewing is another Technical Recruiter position and it's actually in the same friggin building as my old company. I got a call from an aquaintence I met through work that I happened to run into at a bar where we exchanged numbers. He told me they had an opening and he thought of me - was I interested? Then he told me the kind of money he was making. :thud: He's 25 and makes six figures. You're damn right I'm interested. :huh:
I don't think I'll tell my parents about it unless I get an offer though. Right? I wish I didn't feel so guilty about the whole thing.

Things with Michael have kind of reached a turning point. I realize that I am partly to blame. (I know, shocker. ) I'm being petty and beligerent and standoffish and rude, just trying to prove something. Trying to prove that I'm so damn special and he needs to buck up...but I'm acting like a child. I'm proving nothing. Last night made me realize how much effort I was putting into being a brat...and how all that energy could be put into my relationship, trying to rebuild it so that it can be as strong as it can be. I know it can be strong. And I'm not trying... I'm just letting it deteriorate and pretending that it's not happening. I have been humbled overnight by nothing in particular. I just woke up this morning and knew that I was being rediculous and I was tired. I was literally tired from trying not to care, being a brat, being selfish. I want it to work. I have to keep trying or else I'll not be able to say I gave it my all.

I want to be so much more appreciative of how wonderful Michael really is. He's a good person, he's loyal, trustworthy, and respectful. He's selfish, yes, but so am I. We're still growing. We just need to grow together...and maybe we'll have a shot. Maybe not...but at least I will have tried. I hope he will do the same.

Last night was the ball we attended. We had a lot of fun and he didn't talk about school or his tests or anything! It was awesome! We even did the electric slide with my parents. We got a picture taken together. I hate it and think I look fat but Michael looks pretty good. I'll have to scan it and post it later. I got tons of compliments on my dress!

I'm feeling very at peace today. I don't know why I'm so scared of peace in my life. How do you learn to embrace it?

[Stella]

Warning, do not read if you are offended by cuss words or raging pissed off women...


I have HAD it! I'm so fucking sick of being treated this way. It doesn't stop. I just feel that I have nothing left. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm exhausted. I try. I just don't GET it.

I'm crying but I'm so mad. I don't want to cry, I just want to throw things and have a tantrum, but I can't make the tears not come.

I just hung up on Michael. Will I talk to him again? Who knows.

He told me last week that he met this guy at school, Phil*, but that I probably wouldn't meet him because I won't like him. Well, what the hell does that mean, Michael? Oh, nothing, he says, just a guy's guy and you probably wouldn't like him. Dropped the subject........

Today, Phil comes up again (on the phone mind you because I am OUT OF TOWN) and I ask him why it is that I wouldn't like this Phil guy... I've always had guy friends. What's the big deal? I know a lot of guy's guys. Well, Michael stammers and tries to explain that he's "different" around other guys. And so are all guys. WTF? I'm not different around my girl friends or guy friends or my boyfriend. What is this other personality I don't know about and what is he trying to hide????

I pry and finally Michael admits that Phil has a long term girlfriend in Texas and is cheating on her with some girl here. Yep, you're right, I don't like him. But I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just asked him why he wants to be friends with someone like that and he huffed and puffed and copped an attitude with me saying it was none of my business. So... we changed the subject. I asked him what he was doing this evening and he's going out with Keith, PHIL, and some girls to fucking Hooters. You've got to be fucking kidding me. And I'm not even in town. Then he's going to go play softball.

I'M DATING AN 18 YEAR OLD BOY. EVIL:

And, okay, I'm not a prude, a guy can go to Hooters... but when his girlfriend is out of town and he goes out with Phil The Guy's Guy and some chicks - give me a fucking break. And don't give me that "At least he's honest" BS because it took him a long fucking time to tell me..and he was ON HIS WAY there when I called him.

So... I got quiet. He got pissy. I asked him why he was acting like that and he said it was obvious I'm angry. Well, what do you expect? I told him that I didn't see why he was so anxious to be friends with some asshole that is obvious not a good influence ---- and he cut me off right there and yelled "What are you, my mother?"

And I didn't say a word. And then I sat there. And he didn't say a word. And then I hung up on him. And now... here I am.

I hate this. My blood is boiling. I'm too good for this. Do I leave? Am I overreacting? I'm so far away and he's supposed to feed my fish for me but now he probably won't. We just went to this stupid ball and our photos taken together. We're supposed to go to two weddings in the next two months. Is this why he hasn't sent in the RSVPs yet? Why am I thinking about all of this? Do I break up with him? Do I stay? If we break up, do I keep the apartment that is a block away from his? Do I still love him? Do I even know what love is anymore?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?




*Name most certainly not changed because Phil is a douchebag and a whore.

[Stella]

Le sigh....