Let the Games Begin

[Stella]

I love you guys.

[Stella]

Michael? So far, so good. He hasn't really been an ass since I went nutso, so I'm keeping him around.

I have been feeling lost, stifled, and afloat recently. Like I'm drifting...and if I don't start looking around soon for the right things to grab onto, I'm going to drift so far away that I can't find what I need and I'll end up lost.

I know that I want so many things out of life, yet I have a hard time figuring out exactly what it is I want. I feel these strong urges inside me, like I'm yearning for something, but I don't know what it is. I feel driven and motivated but that if I take off, I'm going to run like Forest Gump - going, but not going anywhere.

When did I let go? When did I go adrift? And why wasn't I paying attention?

The thread on "Head or Heart" really got me thinking and I couldn't decide what my answer should be, so I never responded to it. I guess I try to follow my head for the most part. I generally am a logical thinker and I try to be fair. Yet, there are times when I feel that I just HAVE to do something. I may not have a reason, but I just know. I can feel it. Some people referred to their gut, but I think this is different. I associate my gut with intuition and, yes, that is a part of my urges, I suppose, but I think it's not quite the best way to describe it. I just feel it. I get these urges or feelings on a whim and will act quickly. Sometimes, these are huge decisions (like moving to Richmond with no job and no apartment right after having surgery and being laid off) and sometimes, these are little decisions. Today, I had a whim, a feeling, and I bleached my hair. It's....white. And I love it.



I also got new fish since Tallulah, Phineas, and Fluffy died. I got a bigger aquarium and some fun bubbly things and then some tropical community fish. Here are two of my favorite fishy photos.





I'm also going to (re)start my 365 day self portrait project. I think some of you remember I started that and, well... I got about one month into it and lost it... I couldn't keep up. Well, I think I should do it. I think it will be a good tool of self-discovery and maybe, just maybe, it will help me figure out what branch I am trying to grasp and where I need to go.

[Stella]

Today just flat out sucked. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just don't feel like I'm living the life I want. But I don't know what to change. I feel completely overwhelmed even though I'm not going "through" anything. I feel so lonely being away from Richmond, my mom is going through a nervous breakdown or something, and Michael is just plain emotionless.

I just want to sit down and... cry. And I can't give you any one concrete reason why. It's just a bad day...


ETA... Here's my second picture of the 365 days. The hair is white....still love it.

[Stella]

Hey you guys. I miss you all lots so thought I'd pop in for a quick visit.

I'm doing really well so far. Lots of roller coaster days at first but I had a really fun weekend and am back on me feet for good I think. I had lunch with Michael today which was nice but a little weird. He kept pulling me close as we were walking back home and even tried to kiss me. I just pulled away and told him it wasn't fair to do that. Sigh... I really want to be friends but I think he wants the best of both worlds. I've been down that middle territory before and it's just too draining emotionally. I won't do it again. Anyway, I still have high hopes that all will work out in the end.

In the meantime, my friend and I joined Match together for fun. Vishenka is screening possible new doctor boyfriends for me.

Anyway, if you'd like to stay in touch, please do. I love you guys in a big big way. My email is kristelpoole@gmail.com and my AIM is kristel221. If you want my number, email me so I can send it to you.

xoxo Take care, friends!

[Stella]

Okay, I'm going to do something here I don't like doing... and I know that some of you will think this is really tacky and that's fine but if not, please just lend me an ear a moment.

Those of you who know me pretty well on here know that I love my photography. It is my passion, my dream, my goal, and (I believe) the job I was really destined to have. Despite feeling so drawn to it, I've been scared - no, terrified! - of actually going for it. It's hard to do, trusting yourself and going after something like that, but for me it just became necessary. I realized a lot of this while Michael and I were apart because I had to look at myself and my life - separate from him - to figure out what was going to make me happy. Turns out this separation was the best thing that ever happened to me because I had the chance to focus on my photography, and even more importantly, I had the chance to share it with other photographers who thought - and think - that I'm really talented. (Totally blushing writing that...)

Anyway, my prints are for sale now. That was a HUGE step for me. Michael was so proud of me that he forwarded the link to my e-shop to his mom. Well, she was impressed. Two days later, she saw an ad in the paper looking for photographers and assistants. I went in thinking I barely had a shot and they hired me as a photographer on the spot. The same day, I had another person inquire about me shooting their wedding so I know have TWO weddings booked for the coming year. Holy crap. My dream went to a true potential for reality in the matter of ONE DAY!!

The only problem is my equipment. I don't have a great camera, hell, even a descent camera when it comes to "pro" stuff, but I found one online REALLY cheap for around $450 (normally $650-$850). I just don't have $450. Sooooo, I created a page with ChipIn.com that allows friends to "chip in" towards someone's goal. This is mine. I have friends from my other site that I'm addicted to (flickr.com) that have already donated to my camera fund, and I'm hesitant to ask here for fear you'll all hate me and think I'm an asshat for being so audacious, BUT I also know that some of you might be willing to help if you can.

So...if you can or want to, please click on this link:
http://shetakesphotos.chipin.com/a-real-dslr-camera

In return for ANYTHING you're willing to give, I'd love to send you a print of anything you might like on my website: http://havesomefun.imagekind.com for free.

Okay, thanks for listening if you've read this. I wasn't sure if I could post it in the call room so I didn't but if I can, can you let me know?

Thanks... (I feel so meek right now, I'm gonna walk away and shut my eyes...haha.) XOXO

Oh, and here are some of my recent photos:

[Stella]

Michael's birthday dinner with his family was really fun and I'm really glad that I pushed it this time. They say you pick your battles and I am really happy I chose this. And, in the end, I think he is too. When we finished dinner, his parents gave me big hugs and said emphatically, "We're really glad you came." So, I'm really glad it worked out! And Michael got a new car! Thank God!

In the spirit of Michael's birthday, I would like to talk a little bit about how wonderful he really is. Michael is very supportive of me and would move continents to make sure I am in a good place in my life. He's been my #1 (and #2 and #3) cheerleader with the photography business. He's encouraged me to start painting again. He constantly tells me that he thinks I'm talented and that he loves my work. He even tells other people in front of me after I brush it off. He makes me feel like I've got something special... and that's a special thing.

Michael has worked his butt off. He's competitive with others but it's mostly about proving it to himself. His work ethic is amazing and he has put forth triple the effort he put forth last year to manage his time better - and I've noticed. He wants to spend time with me and he wants to manage his schedule so it's possible. He's even done a much better job separating the stresses of school work from our relationship and it has made us much happier. I'm so proud of him.

And... although it takes time and lessons and he might not be perfect, he growing a lot in our relationship and learning that sometimes you just have to suck it up for the one you love. He wants to make sure I'm happy and he wants to make me feel included and loved. He's doing a pretty darn good job. And he hasn't made any snarky asshat comments like he used to - even if we disagree. He's made such a conscious effort to turn himself around and communicate better. Again, I'm so proud of him. And grateful. He's really a wonderful person. And I couldn't be happier to be back together with the love of my life. I am so blessed.

:mydoc: :stars:

[Stella]

Re: Let the Games Begin

I know it's become more of a photo blog... but you know me!

These are from the luau my roommate and I threw in August - the first one is my dad and I and the second is my roommate and I.



I have been so crazy busy for the past few weeks. I haven't had many moments to just do NOTHING.

Work has been ridiculously busy - I have been working some 14 hour days! I also picked up a second job photographing kid's sports portraits and team photos. It's mostly weekends and the pay sucks but it is practice and it is at least a little extra money. And by extra, I mean it is helping me to break even.

Let me interject: IT IS EXHAUSTING TRYING TO BE FINANCIALLY STABLE.

I am having such a hard time keeping up with my rent, car payments, credit card bills, cell phone bills, student loans, etc etc... I just want to crawl under my covers and cry and never come out. Well, actually, I did that the other day but it got too hot to stay under the covers for more than 10 minutes. Anyway, I've been marking every purchase (there haven't been ANY since Monday!) in my checkbook and am no longer relying on the Internet bank account. I always think I have more money than I actually do and I can now see how I've fallen so far behind. I'm so angry at myself, so embarrassed, that I've gotten myself into such a financial bind. But... by next summer, I should be okay. I just wish it didn't take so long.

Anyway, here is an old photo I found and scanned from when Michael and I had been dating for... almost two years. So this was last summer I guess. Look at how skinny I was. I really want to get back to that!


And since I've been feeling nostalgic...

Here is a photo of my parents on their wedding day. Didn't they look great? (It didn't last... so I got all the wedding stuff... that's kind of weird. But at least now I can share it with others. haha)


And the baby is born - me at 6 months. Look how blue my eyes were!


I was my parents' first child. I think I was only one or almost two in this....


Aaaaaand... senior prom...


This is me with my mom's side of our family. My brothers, my stepfather, my stepsister, my mother, and me.

[Stella]

Re: Let the Games Begin

I loooooooooooooooooooove my Michael. He's just been wonderful and I am so happy to have him. Lucky me.

Here is a photo of us on the ferris wheel at the state fair Friday night.



And some random shots:

[Stella]

Re: Let the Games Begin

Sorry I've been so MIA. I've had so much going on!

First, let me just tell how excited I am that my three year anniversary with SO is tomorrow!! Yay! Of course, his med school has decided to give him a difficult exam the next morning. So, instead of celebrating on our actual anniversary, we are just going to have lunch so that he can spend the evening studying for his test. Then, on Thursday, we are leaving for a wonderful three night/four day weekend on the Eastern Shore!! This is where we are staying. We have the Chablis Room from Thursday night until Sunday and we get to bring the dogs!! We are SO excited!

In other news, I've been so MIA for a few reasons.
1) My car broke down a couple weeks ago and I spend a LOT of money to get it up and running again. Of course, the second I get some savings, I have to spend it all on my car. Grrr...
2) The day after I got my car out of the shop, I got strep throat. And those who know me well know two things. A) I have gotten strep throat at least 20 times and B) every single time it is REALLY BAD. Thank goodness I had SO to take care of me and he wasn't too busy.
3) Halloween. No, I don't have kids, but that doesn't mean I don't get to go all out for Halloween. SO and I built a huge graveyard in his front yard, had a bubbling couldrin, dressed really scary, and even dressed up the dogs and they hung out with us. We went through over $50 worth of candy and had at least a couple hundred trick-or-treaters. It was so fun!

My photography stuff is coming along pretty well. I started a blog that you can find here: http://hsfphotography.wordpress.com and I am REALLY excited because I met with a manager of a few local restaurants on Friday and ... they want me to hang my prints (for sale!) in two of their restaurant/bars!!! I get a 40 foot gallery wall in one of them and I can do with it as I please! :happybouncing: They are even going to throw me a gallery opening and I can leave my prints up for an indefinite amount of time. This is JUST the thing I needed to get my photography business going. As soon as it is up, I'll post photos so you can see it. I have SO MUCH to do for it and I am just getting started. Eek.

And, since I wouldn't be me without it, I'm going to add some photos too.

Last year, SO and I on our TWO year anniversary!


Sunset

[Stella]

Re: Let the Games Begin

Happy Anniversary to me. Thanks for asking.

Just kinda "over it" right now. I think I'm going to take a break.