Life In The Real World

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

We picked up the van yesterday afternoon.

Yeah!

The funny thing about it is that I had to leave to pick up Amanda from school, call Andrew's school and tell him I'd be 30 minutes late and for him to sit in the library and do his homework, swing by the hospital and pick up Thomas and then go to the auto body shop.

We paid and then I tried to open up the side door...and it wouldn't open. It was open a teeny bit, but beyond that it was completely stuck. Thomas tried. The owner of the shop tried. Two more employees tried. They used such force that the van rocked back and forth. Time was ticking and they told us that they didn't know how the door got broken, but that they would hold onto it and fix it. Thomas needed to go back to work, but I needed to get Andrew before his school closed.

Thomas was freaking out that they had broken the door and I was freaking out about picking up Andrew. I opted to bring Aidan and Zoe in through the front seats and then come back this morning to have the van fixed. As we were doing this, an employee walked by, grabbed the door, reached down underneath it and popped it open. They had run the car through their car wash and the door was frozen shut.

Phew. Crisis averted.

I picked up Andrew, dropped him at home and got Amanda and Aidan's Kung Fun uniforms and then headed over to Kung Fu. While Amanda helped teach Aidan's class, Zoe got up and ran into the 3-5 year old class and started KICKING and PUNCHING.

We were all laughing, and the teacher told me to let her try it. Zoe kept trying to imitate the teacher saying "punch", "Kick" and tried the chinese numbers.
Obviously, she wasn't taking home any kung fu prizes, but it was so cute to see her follow the "big kids" down the mats and try and do a bounce kick with her hands in the air. Bummer that my camera was at home....bummer, bummer, bummer.

Have I mentioned lately how cute she is and how much I love her.

I'm really proud of Amanda too. She and I were talking about the little girl who is struggling so much because of having had leukemia and the bone marrow transplant. She is behind emotionally and her growth has been stunted. She looks like she is about 7 or 8 instead of 10. Her experience in school has been very unpleasant as well. Even though she didn't attend kindergarten or first grade because of her illness, she was promoted for social reasons...and the kids are horrible to her. Amanda offered to be her "big sister" and invited the girl to a movie on Sunday. She told me that she understands how this girl feels and that it isn't fair for people to tease her. "She can't help it that she got cancer, mom. Why are kids so mean? She just needs someone to give her some self-confidence." Amanda really does have a heart of gold.....even though she tries to hide it sometimes.

After Aidan's class was over, I ran to pick up Alex from KidStop while Amanda's class continued....then I drove back again and picked up Amanda. I bet I clocked 250-300 miles yesterday.....seriously....

We got home, had Schwan's pizza and salad and spent the evening winding down and getting ready for today.

This morning the kung fu teacher called.

"Kris," broken chinese "Your face looked so beautiful yesterday. I had to call you."

"Oh, ummm, thanks...Deema..."

"Your face looks different. happy. beautiful"

It almost would make a great lexapro commercial. But it bothers me....at a gut level....Seriously...it hasn't even been a week. I feel...a little ashamed that it makes such a big difference when it isn't even supposed to be working yet. :huh:

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

It's -34F here right now with the wind chill factor figured into things. I'm not kidding. Sporting events like indoor ice hockey have been cancelled because basically, people should just be staying indoors. But this morning when it was -40F with the wind chill....well, school was in session. It was deemed perfectly safe for children to stand at the bus stop. :huh: A friend of mine here who is also a teacher said sarcastically "well, any snow days DO cut into our summer vacation, you know" when I asked her why on earth they didn't just cancel school.

The wind was howling, and the the gate on our deck was beating up against the side of our house when my alarm went off....and I made the ultimate call. Screw it. I'm done with winter and driving kids all day long...at least for today! I called every single one of the kids in sick today and we played HOOKY. We surfed the web, watched TV, cleaned the house and now the kids are playing video games while I get dinner started.

I am seriously sick of winter here. I have nothing at all against the snow and cold, but -40F just puts me over the edge. It is too cold even go to the mall. I have no desire to bundle little ones and then pull out the buggy and push them through the freezing wind through the parking lot so that we can sit at the indoor play area. This is ridiculous.

Slowly, as my own personal fog has been lifting I have been realizing that the depression that I've experienced in recent times is less about me and more about my situation. Why? For starters, I don't just dislike cleaning...Over the years, I have grown to despise it with a venom that I otherwise only reserve for republican candidates. :> Nothing ticks me off more than having to do dishes 3 times a day or more....tripping over toys and crunched up Teddy Grahams after I have just vacuumed and cleaned a room....I can't think of many things in my day that I want to do less than laundry. Sitting down onto our loveseat that I just steamcleaned over the weekend and discovering that Zoe spilled her jogurt drink onto both cushions at some point during the day and it has dried up and crusted over makes me want to burst into hysterical sobs.

It's stupid, I know...but I hate cleaning....or better yet...I hate cleaning up the same flippin' things over and over and over and over again only to have them messed right back up in a scenario completely out of my control. Every job has it's scutwork, but come ON. My entire day is scutwork....

This weekend in a fit of lexapro-induced niceness, I cleaned up everyone's bedrooms. I spent over 2 hours in Amanda's room organizing books by size, hanging every stitch of clothing in her closet and cleaning out the dirt and junk. She was so thankful that she said "You must have worked so hard, mom. I promise to keep my room clean from now on."

I believed her.



Needless to say, somehow all of her clothes have jumped out of her closet and onto her floor and the books that I organized? Most of them are also on her floor. Please Gawd..explain this to me...I don't understand. :huh:

The thing is...I just don't enjoy the domestic life. I love my children, and I wouldn't change a thing in that regard...but I can not be a stay at home mom anymore. I really feel that I've reached a point in my life where I owe it to myself and my kids to be a happier person. I have spent my entire adulthood supporting Thomas in his career and doing my best to be there for my children. This has come though at the expense of my own personal happiness....My children make me happy...don't misunderstand...but I am not at a point in my life anymore where I can define myself by being the "dawkter's wife" or the "mom of five". In addition to being a wife and a mother, I'm also a person who needs to have some sort of life outside of laundry, vacuuming and driving.

And oh....it's supposed to be -46F tomorrow morning.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Phew...

It's only -10F with the wind chill factor. This is almost balmy compared to recent days. Yesterday, the kids were granted a two hour delay because the temperatures dipped down to ~-44F. Brrrr. But as Alex was waiting for the school bus, it was still -32F. MINUS 32. Unbelievable. How that is better than -44 is beyond me. Once temperatures hit double digits below zero, it is time to stay in the house, if you ask me...which, of course, no one is. It really was too cold for anyone to be walking around outside, let alone waiting at the bus stop. In our mad attempt, once again, to embrace the morning insane rush, I left with Andrew and Aidan, and Thomas set out to leave with Amanda. Amanda's school starts at 7.50...Andrew starts at 8am, and Aidan starts at 8.15. In order to get Andrew to school ontime, I have to leave by 7:25 at the latest..the very latest. Alex's bus doesn't come until 7:32...and often times it is later than that. Even minutes makes the difference in Thomas' commute with Amanda. Because her school starts at 7:50 and it is in the middle of St. Cloud and just off of one of the busiest (haha, I know...St. Cloud traffic...but still...busy is busy) streets, he needs a good 25 minutes to get there so that she is on time.

Yesterday, after I was out the door, Alex went out to wait on his bus. As usual, it was running late...but the temperatures were so cold that despite his face mask, gloves, snow pants, boots and warm coat he was freezing. He ran back up towards the porch just as the bus pulled around the corner. The bus driver didn't even stop. He didn't see Alex and so he just kept on driving. The result? Alex had to be driven to school and Amanda...was 15 minutes late...again.

Late as in....hmmmm....how did the vice principal put it when she was talking to me about it yesterday....."just so you know, this is her 23rd tardy this trimester". cough cough....did she say 23? Holy, holiest of shits. 23 TARDIES? I explained about having only one car last week and that I had called each day to remind the school that we would be late, but beyond that, she has been 2-10 minutes late more times than she had been punctual.

It's shameful really...except there is no solution. I honestly don't know how we can change things.

She asked me to describe the problem to her, and I did.

"hmmmmm"...

She offered that I could drop Amanda off as early as 7:30 at the school and we then tried to calculate whether or not I could make it across town at that time to get to Andrew's school. They couldn't be farther away from each other if we had tried....Finally, the vice principal said "there is no way on earth you can get there at that time...any other time of the day? maybe. not in the morning. Not at 7:30. Could you leave your 8 year old to catch the bus on his own? No. Forget I even suggested that. You really are between a rock and a hard place"

OMG....23....I'm still stuck on that. I have no idea how we can remedy that..but we sure look like the loser family.

Thomas tried to calm me down: "Kris, we're doing the best that we can. It's almost funny. I guess it's just who we are...we're the Math's".

Ummm..yah....23 Tardies. We are building a great name for ourselves.

The even sadder thing is that my first parenting article for the St. Cloud Times comes out on Monday and...hold on to your hats... I wrote it about oversleeping and not being able to get going in the morning. Is it too late for a retraction? It was really more tongue in cheek and referred to a particular night where Zoe was up vomiting and I just kept letting the alarm go off...and it was really meant to be a funny article and not a commentary on every morning, though between you and me and my alarm clock...Damnit...I'm not a morning person. I KNOW who is going to get the last laugh over this one, and it isn't me. Boohoooo for me. I haven't mentioned moving in a while...maybe it's time?

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Oh, the Agony.

I might be close to my Britney moment. I swear that anytime now you will be hearing about the crazy dawkters wife in MN who shaved her head and ran off to Mexico with her pool boy Sven while speaking with a British accent. Not to poke fun at Britney, who I really feel for, but



If you are of the opinion that motherhood is the be all/end all and that any mom who dares struggle shouldn't have had kids or is a bad mom...get out of my thread and beware, because I do have a voodoo doll that I'll use if I have to. Hmmm...now where are the little pins that I need to stick into the doll?

I don't know...I think that they may be somewhere HERE:



Buried beneath some of the mess. Well, I guess anyone CAN get away with judgment right now!

Why does my living room look like all hell broke loose? There is one simple reason. I have had one single thought all week...the democratic debates. Politics are my one last remaining pleasure and I enjoy hearing people's opinions and watching debates. This one in particular, I knew would be historic...and so I cleared my calendar.

Thomas had a meeting to go to tonight and so I was on my own with the kids. To bribe them....I mean...encourage good behavior, I bought them pizza and pop......I invited them all to join me in the living room to be a part of this historic moment and then I decided that come hell or high water, I WOULD watch these debates.

The state of my living room is the result.

I sat on one of the sofas, logged into a political forum on my laptop, with kids running all around me. I think that my 13 year old was the worst behaved of all of them. How does that happen? :huh: I begged for quiet, I pleaded, I raged...to no avail. I simply had to tune them out in order to be able to watch and enjoy.

The price that I paid? It took me as long to clean up the mess as it did to watch the debates...and by the end of it all, I was so angry with them that I swear anyone braving the cold to walk by our house might as well have just dialed 9-1-1. I would have surrendered willingly. I considered calling 9-1-1 myself and meeting them with a little white flag in one hand and a glass of rum and coke in the other.

Lord help me. I do not have a mom to come and stay when I need a hand or cluster headaches have me down. There are no siblings or friends to co-parent with. I am...absolutely exhausted.

I just wanted to watch the debates. Is that so wrong?

:huh:

And to top it all off...can I just add that one of the brand new treads on our stairs is broken.....We have no idea why...the boards are made of two pieces of wood joined tightly together...and one of the boards split at the seam and is bowed up. It isn't water damage...it's just "bad luck" as the installer said today.

Bad. Luck

It. Never. Stops.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Ahhhhhhhh.......FRIDAY!

:stars:

...and what an up and down week this has been.

Our babysitter arrived on time at 7:25 and sat on the sofa with Zoe in a daze while we raced past her to herd kids into the cars. "bye", she called after me as I ran out the door with Aidan, who was still trying to put his mitten on "by himself".

Phew! Bye.....My single thought was getting Andrew and Aidan where they needed to be so that I could go to Caribou and search the web guiltlessly....I wasn't in the mood to write or work on photo albums. I just wanted....to have some quality ME time.

On the way to Caribou, I got a call from Kelly....and was enjoying being able to talk about politics, residency and life without the disruption of crying kids until...my phone went dead. It isn't holding a charge well anymore and the fuse in my lighter blew and I can't recharge it while driving..

sigh.

So I traipsed into Caribou with my laptop....eager to get online and just relax....only to find out that the internet connection is broken there today. Everytime I tried to login I got an error message.

It would be funny....except....it isn't!

So I opted to do something that some would consider healthy (but the woman behind me thought was insane) and....I opened up a word document and just vented to myself....I pulled every angry, upset thought that I was having from the tips of my toes and released them right out through my fingertips onto the page...relishing in allowing myself to have a full-blown temper tantrum about the state of our house, parenting and all that has been frustrating me. It felt good to just get it out..as irrational as some of it was....I left no stone unturned, and as I did it, I felt myself being able to take control again....It felt so good to just vomit it all up and validate my own feelings. Phew! Then I turned around. A woman was sitting behind me with her daughter and she was staring at my screen....eyes as big as saucers. Hey...that's what you get for being nosy.

The truth of what I was writing though is that Thomas and I are exhausted beyond belief. It really goes beyond not being able to watch the debates last night....The commuting is killing us one brain cell at a time....and we don't seem to be able to catch up on our sleep. Zoe still wakes up 3-4 times a night right now. She was truly better as a newborn than she is now, but I attribute this to her being stuck in the car for all of the driving. She is not getting proper naps or sleep and it is showing up at night.

The other issue we have though is the big kids...and instead of complaining about it....I'm going to let you think about how you would feel in my shoes.

Amanda's bedroom (don't forget, I just cleaned it and it was spotless):



Now here's what I don't understand....why do they have to open up every single drawer in every room in our home without closing them? The wet towel...the books and papers on the floor? I complained bitterly to my mom this morning, and she practically cackled with glee "Do you remember what a mess YOUR room was?"

Ummmm....moving on.

There is something that you should notice lying in the middle of Amanda's floor...let me highlight it for you:



Gee, what's that? A...photo album? MY PHOTO ALBUM?

Once again, Amanda got into my photo albums and pictures. Didn't we just have this argument 2 months ago? She pulled out every album and a large number of picture and I found one in her bedroom this morning and the rest were scattered downstairs all over the family room and BATHROOM floors. Seriously.

I demanded that she clean them up immediately and put things back exactly as they were, and this is what she did:



remaining vestibules of mess:



Are you KIDDING me?

I didn't discover the albums on the bathroom floor until Andrew was walking out after going to the bathroom. He simply was stepping over them to get back out. :huh:

"Can you pick those up?"
"Why, it's not my problem. I didn't put them in here."



OMG!

:thud:

Thomas and I each raced to see who could get angrier with them faster. I think....I won.

We need a break....a vacation from the driving, planners, homework, projects, kung fu...and for extra emphasis, I'll say it again....driving.

And in case I haven't mentioned it, I'm behind on laundry:



And that doesn't include what is lying all over Amanda's floor, or sitting in the laundry room.

It isn't just Thomas and I in need of a break though...I think it is all of us. The kids are restless, the weather is too cold, we're all overwhelmed and it seems like each day is just more of the same: dishes, laundry, driving, homework, drudgery....

So after my rant with myself, I decided to figure out how I can give us all a shot of fun again.

We can't head off on a wonderful Caribbean vacation...Disney is out of the picture....so...I booked a room for the kids and I at a hotel with pools and games and...fun. Thomas has to work all weekend and he is happy to be granted a vacation from....us.

"I'll come and see you every day"

"No, it's ok. Come home from work and watch your shows and study.....do what you want to do."

"Really? You won't be mad?"

"Nope"

And I really won't be. He needs some space from the kids and the chance to do some things that he enjoys....I need to be able to relax and let the kids have some down time. It works out great....I think we're all going to have a nice weekend.

Here's hoping that this gives us just the shot in the arm to get through another month of MN madness! Now I'm off to clean the house and pack before my mad dash to pick everyone up from school!

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Cracked.

That's me....I've just kind of lost my marbles. We all know that I was hanging on by a thread with the winter being so cold and so....long. This past couple of weeks just put me over the deep end, and I have one glaring reason for it: Prednisone.

Yuck.

If you are curious about what being on high doses of prednisone feels like, click here. The music says it all:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Nwh3FmpZ7kg

It's been...a hard week or so....To get away from the yuck, I'll focus on the positive highlights:

Last weekend, in an attempt to help my find my sanity, Thomas booked us a weekend at the Holiday Inn. I spent time relaxing and watching Aidan and Zoe swimming while the older kids played games and swam in the big pools.

Andrew playing ping pong:


Amanda reading:


Alex riding the motorcycle with Zoe:


Aidan playing ping pong:


Zoe being...cutie patootie princess Zoe:



It was a much needed break. In those two days, we completely forgot that it was brrrr cold outside. Everyone got some space and had a chance to relax. Thomas worked all weekend and instead of moping about or being ticked off about the mess, I just enjoyed having the time to not worry about cooking meals or cleaning up. We've decided to do it once a month until Spring has come!

Monday, Alex turned 9. NINE. Where have the years gone? I can't believe he is in the third grade...that he is so big. We made our traditional trek to Space Aliens, but not before Aidan had his first indoor soccer game...and Alex played his:

Aidan with the ball:


Alex warming up:


At Space Aliens: Happy birthday, Alex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are my sunshine...you bring me so much joy.





Andrew and Zoe


Amanda


Alex


Aidan


Thomas playing 'Deal or No Deal' "I can quit at anytime". Uh huh.



Tuesday, we had the caucuses here in MN...and Thomas and I went and proudly cast our vote. I had thomas take a picture of me, but I look so terrible that I've decided to spare everyone. When did I get so fat and old? boohoo.

The rest of the week is just a blur. I am experiencing a drug-induce inability to fall asleep and so I haven't gotten much rest. The result has been me melting down a lot, much to my regret.

Wed. I went to Barnes and Noble to get some work done. I sat next to two very interesting women and at one point, I just couldn't help jumping into their conversation about Britney Spears. We ended up talking for 2.5 hours and the manager eventually came up to us and said "ladies...do you know that we've been closed for 10 minutes?". We exchanged phone numbers and addresses, and I nearly fell over on Friday when I opened up the mailbox and found a card in there from one of them. She just wanted to say "hi" and hoped that we would get our little ones together. Wow. I was just so taken aback by her offer of friendship. It sounds silly, but that single act of kindness really meant a lot to me.

Friday, Thomas was off and we went to Ikea to get some small things for the house. Since we're both tired and stressed out, all I can say is...it's a good thing Friday is behind us. We really just took it out on each other in the worst way. I think that I am actually the bad guy. I just couldn't stop yelling and raging at him. It's terrible...it really is.

Friday evening/night I cleaned the house from top to bottom. Saturday, we had Kung Fu with the kids at 11am and then noon...During the different Kung Fu classes, I raced to the store to buy things for the card club meeting at our house that night. I picked up the kids and then raced home to get everyone ready for Alex's birthday party.

At 2pm I headed out the door to take him and some of our neighbors to the Skatin' Place. It was really the best party any of our kids have ever had. Of course, it didn't come without stress...both of our older children ended up grounded and unable to attend. I don't want to even address their teen behavior. I'm so exhausted from it.

Alex's party was really a blast. The kids skated, played games in the arcade, got 15 minutes of laser tag, ate pizza and had a great time. The only thing missing? Birthday cake. I'm so bummed that I don't have a picture of Alex blowing out candles this year. I might have to bake a cake just for him to do it!

Alex had a lot of fun with his . It's just a coincidence that he is wearing the same clothes as he did to soccer on Monday.






My friend Debbie and her daughter Lakota...Lakota had a rare form of leukemia and even though she is 10, she is physically and emotionally behind:


Carmen and Evalyn...also a friend of mine. Evalyn was born just a couple of months before Zoe:


Aidan might have had more fun at the Skatin' Place than Alex. He got to spend the day with Ingrid..his..one true love. They held hands the entire time.




This is the little girl that he was attached to all summer...whom he said he loved. He said he wasn't going to marry her...just kiss her.

The end of the party at 5 sent me on a psychotic journey to get home. I had to wait for parents and then ended up taking a neighbor's child home. The parents were at a friend's house and I couldn't fine it. It was a mess. The temperature was a heart-warming -12F and it was just...yuck.

By the time I got back to my house, it was 6pm and I had 1 hour to prepare for our neighborhood card club. Thomas had been at home with Zoe, Andrew and Amanda and much to my dismay, I discovered that he had spent the time playing online. All of my hard work cleaning was...just a memory.

After I tore him a new one and had a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, I sent him out the door with the kids to get dinner while I killed myself cleaning. It was terrible. I was so angry that I could barely see straight. Andrew stayed home to "help"...and he just kept telling me to "chill out mom". It. Didn't help.

30 minutes before they were supposed to arrive, I pulled out the new card table that I had bought that afternoon..and discovered that it had to be put together. . I was literally still screwing the table together when the first guests arrived. I was sweaty, in tears and Aidan was crying when they rang the bell.

:huh:

Fortunately for me, they were very nice and...the husband helped me put the table together before the others arrived.

By that time, it was -28F and we realized that our ice maker had stopped working. Our nice nextdoor neighbor got dressed again and ran home and brought over an ice bucket full of ice.

By then, I had settled myself with a glass of white wine ... When our final guests arrived, they said "My God, your house is so clean, Kris....and you have 5 kids. They are so quiet and well behaved. How do you do it."



The people who got there first knew the real scoop!

The evening went fine...but I was never so glad for a day to end.
I didn't fall asleep until late, but this morning when Zoe woke up, Alex came into my room and offered to take her for me. Thank you Alex. Thank you! Thomas, in his infinite wisdom (or desperate fear of being yelled at some more) let me sleep in until noon...and then he let me go to Barnes and Noble to work on my final book edits today. I got the final comments back a week ago and have until Feb 13th to get them in.

I couldn't concentrate enough to work on it, but the break did me good.

3 more days of prednisone....3 more days....I don't know how long it will take for it to clear and get me back to a bit more of a feeling of normal, but...I'm almost there.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Another day...another dose of prednisone....As it turns out, my 3 days have been turned into 3 more weeks. I'm going to have to find a way to adjust. It's a bummer, but I'm just going to have to figure out how to deal with this.

Fortunately, Thomas is being very understanding of the fact that I'm not getting enough sleep and that I need some extra down time to find the more patient side of myself again. Last night, he sent me to Barnes and Noble after dinner and put all of the kids to bed so that I could have the evening to myself to finish working on editing. Yeah, Thomas! A friend called when I was gone and she couldn't resist calling me on my cell: "hehehe...How did you get out of bedtime with the kids tonight? You should hear the madness!" She went on to describe that when she called, Thomas was trying to get Zoe and Aidan into bed and Zoe was crying her head off while he pleaded with her. :>

Speaking of editing though. :thud: I have lost all ability to read through the manuscript anymore. As a matter of fact, I've become so befuddled by it all that I can't figure out where the commas belong or what words should be changed. It has a crazy-making quality about it. I would never be a good professional line editor. I'm so busy trying to make sure that I don't have too many spaces after a word or a period or haven't hit enter one time too many between sections that I feel like I've completely lost control of this project. I had no idea that it would involve so much busywork. Also, some of the editing that has had to be done has altered parts of the text ... and I don't feel the same about it anymore. I just need to get it done. Today is supposed to be the deadline. If I don't finish it, I'll have to beg for more time.

I'm doing my best to try and keep up with things this week. Monday, my first short article showed up in the St. Cloud Times. It was also edited from the original, but I think it was ok. It was posted online at the moms website as well as being in the first section of the paper. Here's the online version..... http://www.moms.mn/apps/pbcs.dll/articl ... /1067/MOMS

In other news, I had parent/teacher conferences for Alex last night. In recent days, he has made some rather unusual announcements here at home that have taken me by surprise. Last week, he showed me his school folders where he had crossed out every isntance of "Alex" and replaced it with "Alexis".

"I'm Alexis, mom, not Alex."
"ummm" (feeling the anxiety rise from the tips of my toes right up to the top of my head) "Alex, you are a boy."
"I'm a boy/girl, mom."
"What is a boy/girl?"
"A boy who is also a girl."

He proceeded to go off into a routine about breaking a nail and needing a manicure and it left me scraping myself up off of the floor emotionally. I began imagining that in 15 years, this would be the moment that I would look back on as THE moment.



His teacher put some of my concerns to rest. Apparently, he just really enjoys the attention that he gets from the girls. Three days a week, he sits with the girls at lunch. The other two days are devoted to the boys. The girls fall all over him giving him attention and including him. They all have encouraged the Alex to Alexis...conversion. I suggested that even though it seemed harmless that I...well...I want Alexis removed from his folders. She didn't see the harm in it, but...well...I've heard of little girls who are tomboys, but not...about little boys who want to be girly girls. I admit it. I'm freaking out a little.

I talked to Alex about all of it and I tried asking him how he felt about being a boy.

"Are you happy being a boy? Do you feel like...you aren't a boy? Do you wish secretly that you were a girl?"

"eeeeeeew. That's disgusting. Why would I want that?"

Ummmm...I don't know...maybe because you are calling yourself Alexis

phew! ?

One thing's for sure...things are never dull around here!

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Ahhhhh, Friday!

It's really been a pretty good week all things considering. To get through the psychological hurdle of the whole steroid thing, I decided to increase my water intake, decrease my coffee consumption and....do more walking. I think it has made a big difference for me. Even if it's a placebo effect...who cares! Yesterday I really felt like I had much more energy and was getting back to myself again, which was a relief. I got the house cleaned up again, caught up on the laundry and I managed to get everyone dropped off and picked up as needed.

The sleep thing is still an issue, but it was better last night. Sleep is always a good thing!

Last night is the first night that Zoe has slept in her room for the entire night in a good 6 months too. I'm sure that helped! I put her down every night in her room, but she screams so much in the middle of the night that if I don't go get her she wakes up Amanda, Alex and Aidan. I laid her down and left the radio on in the background to see if maybe it would serve as a little white noise. It seemed....to do the trick! (fingers crossed that it works again tonight!)

Things have been eerily calm here all week. I'm almost afraid to post that the kids have been getting to bed on time ... with their homework done, that the sass has been kept to a bare minimum and ... that happy voices have been heard around here, because once I say it ... it might go away! It really does seem like the kids are a bit more settled this week and that things are going smoothly.

Andrew and I finally had a talk about his anger and frustration and it ended in him saying "Mom, get over it. I am separating from you. I don't want you in my life anymore."

hmmmm. My baby boy...separating from ME? I tried not to take it to heart and let him know that I completely respect that he is growing up and that I will give him as much space as is appropriate. I told him "you don't have to be mean to me to separate from me...." It seems to be working.

I had to completely resist the urge to meddle (who me? ) in his Valentine's Day plans yesterday. Ok...well, I meddled just a bit...but not like I ordinarily would have. He has a first crush and I had asked him if he wanted to get her a card or something. "Go Away, Mom. Leave me alone."

uh huh.

Soooo...being the non-meddling mom, I bought him a bag of little valentines Nerds candies to hand out if he "so chose"... I did add that "if" he wanted to give one box to a particular girl, this would let him do it very casually. She wouldn't have to know how he felt.

He was so offended by my suggestion that he made Thomas drive him to school so he didn't have to sit next to me. Of course, he did take the bag with him and...I found out that he did give her the candy and...she said "THANKS".

Hmmmm, the only drama that we've had all week is that yesterday on the way to kung fu, the seat that Amanda was sitting in sort of....caught on fire. Amanda said "man, this seat sure is hot"...and then we started to smell burning feathers and plastic....



Fortunately, Amanda wasn't hurt in any way. The car is no longer under warranty, but I still think that VW should have to replace the seat. I have never heard of an in-seat heater burning through like that! It could have been really dangerous.

I guess the other excitment going on in my life right now involves politics. I'm trying really hard not to discuss it with anyone that I know because I understand that we all have our own opinions that we're kind of married to. It's probably no secret that I'd really like to see Hillary Clinton get the nomination even though I have a feeling that it has slipped from her grasp.

I've been trying to figure out why that fills me with such sadness and outrage. I love getting involved in politics, but I don't usually have my heart as invested in a candidate. This primary season, it seems like a lot of people have their hearts really set on one candidate or another in a very emotional sense, so I know I'm not alone...but I really, really wanted this.

It finally became clear to me this week why I have become emotionally so invested in this choice.

I talked to my dad this week. He is a self-professed neocon...a swift boat veteran bank rolling republican who HATES Hillary Clinton. He hates her so much that he told me that he and his friends will all be going to the polls to vote for Obama in TX. There is a republican movement to prevent Hillary from getting the nomination...and just like the with the Kerry swift boating, my dad is involved at a grass roots level. :huh:

I tried to pinpoint the reason that he hates Hillary so much, but the only thing that I could come up with is that he hates her because she is a woman. She is "controlling, hard, imagine what a nag, a bitch". really? It all boils down to the idea that Hillary should have been a good little wifey and not tried to be her own person...that the best man for a job is...a man. He will do everything within his power to make sure that that "bitch" doesn't get the nomination.

And...he will.

My take-home message is:

Strong woman = bitch

This is democracy at work? Holy Cow. Republican hacks get to help decide who the democratic nominee will be?

My mom isn't much better though. She was a Hillary supporter until she "heard" that Hillary was going to abolish medicare and that she had said "mean" things about Obama. When I tried to tell her that Hillary wasn't going to get rid of medicare and that both Obama and Hillary were engaged in a slapdown, she just didn't seem to get it. It's ok for the man to take the upper hand...but not the woman.

At a gut level, it makes me want to stand up, declare "I am woman" and create a strong independent life of my own. You know...I would have made a good doctor...but I made a choice to support my husband in his career and raise our children. It bothers me that there is still the public perception out there by both men and women that the only way to be a really good woman is to stand by your man and not make waves. Heaven forbid we all rise up and start being "bitches".

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

The politics of gender are alive and well in our house. It's actually fascinating to see my tweens so involved in the political process this year!

I was *informed* (ahem) that there had been a scuffle at school, with Amanda in the middle of it all. Apparently, discussions about the current primary race in social studies blew up and settled with two groups fighting it out: The girls vs. the boys.

The boys at her school hate Hillary. The girls at her school love Hillary. That's how it breaks down. A raucous exchange ensued with shouts of "everyone knows boys are smarter than girls" and ending with my daughter making a sweeping statement that included remarks that the boys in her school are complete idiots.

It was handled well by the teacher and the kids sat down and did some writing to work it through. Here's Amanda's passage:

An Interview with Obama by Amanda Math
I=Interviewer
O=Obama

I: Hello, Obamalama
O: Hey! Don't call me that name?
I: How do you fel about the nicknames "Obama Lama" , "Obama mama" and such?
O: The people who started that stuff I want to dropkick to the moon.
I: Ok...so how do you feel about this election?
O: I'm gonna win!
I: What makes you so sure?
O: Hillary Clinton looks like a squirrel. Don't you agree?
I:ummm....yes...sure.
O: I totally agree dude.
I: What can you do to help with the issues?
O: (stands on desk) You people are always complaining about issues. Well, you wanna hear the truth? We have NO issues. Ther is no slavery anymore. So what, if your grandchildren never see a polar bear? We never saw dinosaurs. It is the way of nature. Here me out, y'all.
I: (wiping away a tear) Beautiful speech, Obama.
O: Thank you sir (grinning to himself)
I: What will you do about the ozone?
O: what?
I: And air pollution?
O: what?
I: But what about...
O: So what? You know it'll never be solved. My oppponent is making promises that she can't keep.
I: Hillary?
O: Ya think?
O: I know you want a sturdy prez, who has good laws.
I: What kind of laws do you have?
O: Everyone must have a robot.
I: But what will that do to help?
O: I don't know, but they're cool.
I: Alright! That's all the time we have for today!

Wow. This led to a great conversation about how she feels about being a woman and feeling like poeple think women aren't as smart as men.

Andrew had to interject. "They aren't. Everyone knows that."
"Andrew! Why on earth would you say that?"
"Look, mom, its' true. None of my friends are voting for Hillary Clinton. She's weak. She's a woman. She cries all the time. She would ruin this America"
:thud:

"Well, first of all, none of your friends can vote...but women are as smart as men.

"You are just saying that because you are a woman."

Thomas jumped into the fray:
"Andrew, I voted for Hillary Clinton"
"OMG, Papa, that is so gay. How could you DO that?"

We all had a long talk about their misonceptions about the candidates and feelings about gender and race.

"Where did you GET this stuff?" I finally said.
"YouTube"

YouTube? It's blocked in our house in the kids computer. They can't access it. It turns out that my kids get their news from their friends and wathing youtube at the libraries in their schools!

Wow...so Amanda now knows to not say ObamaLama and that he has a little more substance to him than that. Andrew knows that he'll be boarding at his school if he ever suggests that women aren't as smart or capable as men, and I know to call the school and tell them to block YouTube!

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Lightbulb Moments.

This weekend has been full of them.

I have spent a lot of time doing soul-searching and trying to figure out why I have had this personal low moment. My journey led me to some old friends at a forum for lymphoma patients that I haven't visited with much recently. Here I was thinking that my anxiety, depression and complete preoccupation with my health this past week was pathological...I expected to be told that I needed to see someone or get on some more powerful meds or something.

Instead, gentle hands reached out through cyber-space to let me know that everything that I'm feeling is completely normal....even 2 years out....totally acceptable. When you are facing a cancer diagnosis and are undergoing treatments, there is not much place for dealing with the emotional fall-out. It's important to be positive and not let your emotions overcome you. For me, the 6 months or so of treatment were about putting one foot in front of the next. My family and friends were grieving while I was having chemo. They were working through their emotions while I was doing everything I could to keep strong and march forward. A lot of people do that. It's a way to survive.

When my treatment was finished, I didn't have the chance to really sit down and process/grieve the experience. I had a baby in the NICU, my marriage felt like it was on its last legs, my kids needed attention and Zoe had her own developmental issues that we were concerned about. Our concerns for Zoe continue to be ongoing. We will probably always be overly concerned about her. There wasn't a moment where life stopped enough for me to be able to say "holy SHIT!" I had the support of a terrific therapist, who I credit with helping me keep my head from exploding while I put out fires and tried to slowly process things despite the fact that life just seemed to keep....happening. I am very lucky that I had her to support me through the toughest of times. She retired last year though and accepting that has been hard. It's another thing to grieve on top of all of the other losses in the last two years....and another loss that I really didn't process because I just haven't been able to give myself the attention that I need to. To me, it is a significant loss. This is the person who saw me at my most vulnerable...probably the only person who saw me cry over it...feel helpless...angry...lost...and who helped me to keep positive and on the right track. I never had the chance to say good-bye to her because our schedules were so different. I am grieving the loss of a relationship that was significant to me.

When I had my 2 year (from the time of diagnosis) scan, I was really in shock. Two years. How did that happen? Here I was doing my best to get everyone through it and it felt like I completely missed my own opportunity to grieve...and people pretty much make it clear either through their silence or their outright expression of their opinions that it is time to move on. Interestingly, even scan day was full of the stress of renovation, Halloween and moving into a hotel at the last minute. Life doesn't stop for cancer....but somehow, I missed my socially acceptable window to deal with my feelings. Since everyone else in my life already put this behind them, I'm supposed to have done it too..at least that's how it feels.

What I never saw coming was the ongoing pulmonary issues that I would have...the stress surrounding scans or the side-effects of medicines used to treat different ongoing problems.

How do you march on with life as usual when you are being dragged down by additional challenges. That's hard.

I was so surprised to get messages from people about their own experiences with fears of relapse and struggles with ongoing health issues. One woman with whom I share a similar diagnosis, wrote to me that a couple of years back she had developed bad bronchitis...and that she began feeling shortness of breath...and became terrified. She admitted to me that she had also had a very ummm...entertaining emotional week.

Phew! I'm actually normal.

In closing, let me say how thankful that I am for those of you who took the time to contact me via PM, email or by phone...or who took my hysterical midnight phone call to give me a much needed boost and pat on the back. Thanks for letting me be vulnerable and not feel foolish about it. I feel like I'm in a much better place emotionally and I owe a lot of it to you for your caring and compassion.

I think that I have found a really good place to personally begin to work on my feelings. I'll probably be more scarce here. I need to get offline and spend time focusing on the new mom's group, my scrapbooks, my family and myself...not necessarily in that order though. You all won't be far from my thoughts though.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

I haven't completely jumped the shark...I promise.

I think I'm doing a pretty good job of getting a handle on things here....prednisone aside. Fortunately, I'm in the last 8 days of taper now.

I'm actually feeling such relief at finally being able to talk about how I feel. I've said many times that in order to get through everything over the last couple of years I had to really dig deep to do things that I didn't want to..and that the only way to manage was to toughen up...to develop a tough outer shell....The drawback is that this toughness found its way into my heart.

My emotions have been strangely comforting to me. Thomas and I have talked now about everything more in the last few days than we did in several years...about the experience, about our feelings...about our fears...we have needed this....really, really needed this.

I'm realizing that the best way to the other side is just....to go through it...not avoid it, dance around it or over it...but look at it. I think that it will take time for me to sort through my thoughts, but I also feel like I'm on the right track.

In other news, I decided to get my butt back into a schedule. I revised our daily hourly to-do list and pulled back out my meal-planner. It feels good to take control again. I'm back to having a separate story/craft time for Zoe and Aidan, a set time for lunch (instead of the eating whenever thing that's been happening). I have once again laid out our days so that things are again predictable and all of the meals for the entire week are planned...in my family planner....no stress...even breakfasts and lunches....and...I went back to baking homemade banana chocolate chip muffins for the kids for special breakfasts.....

After just a couple of days, Aidan has already re-adjusted.....I picked him up from preschool today and he said "Mommy, is it my craft time now?"...We had lunch and then...went home and painted.




Now I'm enjoying my 1 hour window of me time online before I head out the door to pick up the kiddos.

Oh...and I picked up some seed packets for my winter garden.....

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

OK...so I have to update this! Here I was working so hard to count my blessings and...I've been really excited about the tile. They finished up everything but the grouting and then took off while I was busy picking up kids from school. I came into the house to drop Amanda and Andrew off and to grab Aidan's Kung Fu stuff. Thomas made it home early and had a chance to talk with the tile guys and so we went upstairs so that he could show me what needed to be done.

While we stood there admiring the beautiful work and counting our blessings we heard....a ....meowing noise coming from the bathtub.



No. It couldn't be, right?

Within minutes we were able to confirm that Mr. Mischief himself, Scouty, had indeed snuck behind the tub and was entombed between the tub and the tile! Once he had our attention, he cried and cried like a baby! It was terrible!

Does Murphy have ANY laws that DON'T apply to our family?????

It was 5 but we were able to catch someone at the tile shop and the workers made it back over here within 15 minutes to release our beloved cat!

So...yah....there you have it. One more think to be thankful for, I guess. Thank GOD we heard him in there!!!!

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

February ended on a high note. After a long and relatively boring week where I didn’t have much to do, Feb. 29th proved to be the busiest day of the month!

Friday, Andrew couldn’t find his coat in the morning (or his shoes), Alex missed the bus, and Aidan was too “tired” to go to school. By the time I got the kids out the door and started doing my drop-offs, we were late. Andrew got to school 15 minutes late and as a result, Aidan was 20 minutes late. I had a conference with Amanda’s school scheduled for 9:30 and had hoped to have time to get a shower before going. Instead, I raced home with Zoe, scrunched my hair, tossed on some make-up and ran out the door again.

And…oh-ho…the agony of meeting with her vice principal. I was there to talk about the Germany trip with her and to see where Amanda was at right now with school…and was completely unprepared to have to deal with little girl drama that apparently has reared its head at her new school. “Don’t worry, it isn’t just Amanda…it’s the whole group of 6th grade girls”. Oh, gee, that’s a relief. <sarcasm> Apparently though, Amanda had a falling out with her best friend. The little friend was being mean and moody and Amanda called her a jerk and told her if she was going to be a “beyotch” <sigh> that she wasn’t going to be friends with her anymore. The real kicker though is that Amanda wrote WTF on the chalkboard in response to her friend and another little girl “playing the whisper game”. Oh, I’m sooo proud.

“Mrs. Math, do you know what WTF means? I didn’t. I had to be told.”

Seriously? You DID????

“Yes, yes… I’m <ahem> vaguely familiar with what that means.

The friend spent the week crying. Amanda spent the week upset. Teachers intervened and asked the girls to write a letter about what happened. Amanda’s letter? “Dear Mr. Neron. We aren’t babies. Let us solve our own problems. Get out of our business and let us handle these things ourselves.”

Ummm. That went over like a lead balloon!

While the vice principal was sharing this with me, Zoe was busy tearing the little paper tags out of the filing drawers and ripping them up.

“It’s ok, just let her”

“ummm…..ok?”

So….after we came to an agreement about how to deal with my child (I said let the hammer fall on her sassy little butt…I want her to squirm!) I grabbed Zoe and headed to my first Mom’s Club meeting. I haven’t been in a playgroup since Andrew and Amanda were little, and I was really excited/nervous.

I got Zoe buckled in and headed out realizing that I was going to be a few minutes late. When I got there and went to get Zoe, I discovered that she had somehow managed to get a hold of Alex’s markers. He had left them in the backseat and she had colored all over her hands and face. Of course.

So…I made my first appearance as a mom of five with an almost two year old that had colored on herself. I guess at least I already know now who the moms are that I’m going to get along with. I could instantly see which moms were the freaky “OMG” moms and the more laid back “OMG, when my son was two, he smeared himself in butter” moms.

I had to leave early to meet a friend for lunch…someone that I haven’t seen in a long time but who was in town and agreed to be an active participant in a Happy Meal catch-up date! We had the chance to talk and reconnect while Aidan crawled underneath the seat to get back to his side and Zoe spilled her chocolate milk under the table onto his head. <aaaah, the joys!> I am not sure if this stuff is supposed to faze me anymore. It…didn’t. I pretty much wiped him off and let him go play!

By the time lunch was over, I felt so peaceful. I had a great time. You have to stay connected to what is important in your life….

When I picked Amanda up after school, she proudly announced that she and her girlfriend were once again “best friends”. “See, we didn’t need any adults getting involved. We can solve our own problems”….and then the story tumbled out…her friend got her period during library time…and they bonded together in the bathroom again over tears and maxi pads…” Holy moly. Her friend came over for a sleepover later and they spent the night connecting and talking….and when her friend got up in the morning, she asked me for a cup of coffee. After all, she is…a woman now.

It's been a lazy weekend...I can't believe it's already Monday again tomorrow. Boohoo.

The kids got up early this morning...and when Zoe woke up, Alex came up and took her to "babysit" so that we could get some extra sleep! It was such a sweet gesture. Of course, I couldn't sleep, but I laid in bed listening to Alex make breakfast for Aidan and Zoe. I finally crawled out of bed when the sounds of chairs being pushed around on the floor and books falling gave me a good nudge. They built a fort using the piano bench, a chair and....our living room carpet! I wish I had thought to take a picture, but before I have a good cup of coffee in the morning, my brain doesn't generally turn on!

We did enjoy a really lazy day though. I don't think I got out of my pajamas until after noon...then I laid down on the sofa at 2 and took a two hour nap. Ahhhh, the good life!

It did warm up today and the kids were thrilled to be able to go outside and continue with the work on their snow forts. Zoe even went out with the boys for about...2 minutes before deciding that snow really isn't her thing! She didn't like the two pairs of mittens, thick clothes and two jackets she got stuffed into, and the snowpants made her fall over. Her boots didnt' fit so she was stuck in street shoes too. She was happy have a chance to go out with the boys though!


Alex is inside of the snow cave!


I came, I saw...now I'm DONE!


Andrew, Alex and Aidan stayed outside working a little longer....but Aidan was the next one to come in!

Scouty had the right idea all along though. While the kids played out in the snow, check out where he was perched!

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

If I don't start going to church regularly, someone should put me over their knee and give me a good paddling. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'm having some sort of unusual religious experience. I kind of brushed off running into the two women at B&N the other night .... Today started off with the tile guys coming to work on our backsplash (yeah!). While they were here and I was lounging lazily on the sofa watching election news (Go Hillary!) my doorbell rang. Despite the mess on my living room floor, I decided to open it. It was one of the leaders from the Sartell Mom's Club meeting that I went to. She was so tickled by Zoe showing up after having painted herself with markers and our conversation that she brought me over a book for Zoe...called Purple, Green and Yellow. It's the story about a little girl who colors all over herself and it is super cute. (Wow...ok...so there are some cool moms that live around here!). She then proceeded to tell me that she....would really like for us to get our kids together sometime so that we could get to know each other better. I'm "real", I "get it". Woohoo for me! I'm sure glad that I returned that email!

I offered to let her come on in to my "real" and really messy house "Step over the cheerios on the floor..."

Not 5 minutes after she left, the phone rang. It was a woman that I haven't seen in a good year. She babysat Aidan when I had my biopsy a couple of years ago and then Aidan stayed with her on several occasions. She has Lupus and eventually quit the daycare thing.... *Something* just made her think of me and want to call...and did I "want to meet at the McDonald's play area" with the kids. Hmmm...let me check my busy planner to see if I can pencil you in. ... "Sure, I'd love to." I actually left the workers at the house in order to do it. "Close the garage door when you leave".

We had lunch and she started talking about her experience with steroids and how much trouble she had had last year...and how her sister (also has Lupus) had called her crying last week at 3 am.....coincidence?...Seriously.... So...I told her about some of the trouble that I had been having without going into too much detail. I'm telling you that I have never had such an empathetic, understanding conversation about this. Phew! What a relief. I felt like stones were just falling from my heart after talking with her. It does pay to open up sometimes. But beyond that, she and I used to talk a lot about writing. So we spent time rehashing writing projects, talking about our passions, and agreed to start doing this regularly.

Then I was also asked to write some more for the SC Times for the mothering section because the editor would like for me to be a "recurring" author.

So....hmmmmm....I really don't believe in this whole say a prayer and see what happens thing. I am fairly opposed to the idea that God will reach out and let you see some sort of acts of Hers to draw you in....I don't know how to organize all of these things in my mind.

I can say that I have felt a lot of sadness, isolation and frustration this winter...moreso than usual because I've struggled so much with not feeling well on top of it all. I have asked God on several occasions "If you're out there....."...and then...my internist called me which is what got the ball rolling on trying to work the whole lung thing out...and she has been so truly great about everything. She didn't have to call me....Good lord...if she hadn't called me 2 1/2 years ago who knows when I would have found out about the lymphoma. :huh: I always second guess myself so I don't tend to go to see the doctor out of fear of looking silly. I'll need to work on that. I think I am working on it, actually.

But just to recap my little acts of God this past week...there there was the offer to join the playgroup, Hillary taking 3 out of 4 last night (come on, you KNOW I get to count it. All of the Obama fans and Zogby knew it would take a miracle :> ),the mom showing up today out of the blue, the phone call and lunch date, the email about writing more..... all when I have been feeling at a low point.

I'm drawn to the Footprints in the Sand poem:


One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Scenes from his life flashed across the sky
and he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life had flashed before him,
he recalled that at the lowest and saddest times of his life
there was only one set of footprints.

Dismayed, he asked, "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
I don't understand why, when I needed you most,
you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious child.
I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering
when you saw only one set of footprints...

That was when I carried you."

I don't want to be melodramatic here....I mean....this all could really purely be coincidence. It might have happened without me asking for it....but it does make me stop and think that maybe....there....is a God....and maybe right now I really am being carried and I'll look back someday and realize it?

As an act of good will I've decided to give up my worst habit, which...is swearing. Lately I've been a really bad potty mouth...I don't know why....but out of respect I've decided to make a real effort.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

I've had...a pretty good day. Hectic, but good. Besides the regular chaos of taking kids around, I also met up with a good friend for lunch.

Good friend. Important words.

She and I actually met when I first moved to the area and our friendship grew quickly out of shared interests and personalities. Problems only started when we tried to get our husbands and children in on the friendship. I think we wanted to have the kind of friendship where we could get together on weekends, barbecue and be family friends. The problem was that our husbands really didn't share that lovin' feeling. It was beyond awkward and more like abysmal. We ended up having a falling out, and every time we ran into each other later it was...awkward and we both obviously felt feelings of friendship for each other and regret. We stumbled through these unexpected encounters. We reconnected a few times and then lost touch....until she read the article about our family in the newspaper a couple of years ago and wrote me a letter. Her son had been diagnosed with a brain tumor.

Since then, we have reconnected, mended fences and it feels like we didn't lose those few years. She is also the counselor at Amanda's new school and I like that I have someone who I trust that can keep tabs on things. It's so odd how our lives could be so inertwined through the years. More of the hand of God? Who knows? I border on becoming quite the unexpected religious zealot.

We met up for a quick lunch today to touch base because it's been a few months since we've had a chance to sit down and talk. I debated going...I don't feel like I'm at my best and if I can't present a more upbeat face to the world, I'm hesitant to head out the door...but I just decided to be honest with her and tell her that I am feeling a little under the weather and I didn't know if I could bring my sense of humor with me. Maybe now wasn't the best time? She...didn't care. Come anyway.

It turns out...she didn't bring her sense of humor either. She brought her true, genuine self and the 1.5 hours that we had together really flew by. She talked about her work and the struggles that her little boy is having after radiation to the brain....the troubles in her marriage after the changes that have happened in her life. Real life. Not airbrushed "things are great". It was such a breath of fresh air.

"You guys have been through so much the last two years," I said.
and she returned the volley....."uhhh...yaaaah...you too..."

And so I just bit the bullet and decided to be open instead of putting the ball back into her court. I told her about the steroids and feeling miserable. I said that I feel like I'm grieving this change in my life and that I don't know what to do with my feelings. Here I am 2 years out and I expected to have this all wrapped up in a neat little package...(me, the weeble wobble gal who always stands back up...always...but right now wonders if she can again...if this is just the final blow to bring me to my knees and keep me from moving forward)...and to be struggling with breathing issues and the uncertainty that this all brings...it's very upsetting to me.

She didn't look down her nose at me, act disinterested, roll her eyes that it's already been two years since diagnosis and when will I get over it, change the subject back to her, or treat me like I was coming from a place of weakness to be struggling with this or to be struggling but actually talk about it instead of hiding behind a glass smile that implies strength but really just shows an inability to share my pain and be vulnerable. It was more like she nearly jumped out of her seat and screamed "Duh...of course you are grieving..."

There we were...two women...sitting in Noodles and Company talking about grief and loss like the other people around us were talking about their weekend plans. Pediatric brain cancer? check. pregnant with cancer? check. survival, life, marriage, parenting being the most unexpectedly hard job ever, working, living, mothering, self-nurturing? check, check, check, check, check, check, check check!

She talked about her anger that life would never be the same...friendships, feelings...the realization that we are so vulnerable.

And I felt so comforted and comfortable in the discussion. I didn't feel guilty or embarassed about my feelings. I felt understood. I felt...genuine...real...ok.

I felt really good. My voice didn't shake...I didn't shake...it was ok. It was normal.

It made me realize some things about myself. I'm not sure why I have trouble presenting my real...authentic self to people. I have a great need within me to take care of other people's feelings and make sure that their emotional needs are cared for...and that they don't feel uncomfortable...but I have a hard time asking for that myself. Though a lot of people tell me "you always change the subject away from yourself"... and that might be true...the truth is that most people don't mind. And you know...I don't mind listening, but I also have a need to share too...and I need to learn how to do that better. I have been trying. My most recent exchanges with people have been much more 'real' than ever before. I spent my childhood in essence taking care of my parents' feelings over the traumatic events (abduction)that happened in our lives..their struggles in their marriage...my brother....I was the family caretaker. I have evolved into the caretaker aka lightning rod for my own family now...and...I take on that roll in many of my friendships as well. I am comfortable handing out :therethere: . I don't know how to accept it. That, in my opinion needs to change. It's not that I don't share about myself at all...I think I do it more in a complaining about things that I feel helpless about way than an "I feel..." way out of a fear that my real feelings will be rejected...hence...I...will be rejected. I'd rather complain about something petty than say how I feel about somethng real. What's funny/ironic about that is that I have a low tolerance for... complainers.

Some things became very clear to me today as I reflected on this conversation with my friend: It's ok for me to let go of certain relationships in my life. I need to be with people who I can safely be real with if I need to be? I don't knw.

I don't feel bad at all for not wanting to sit down with the two doc friends who I feel walked away from my family during our time of crisis. Actually, I feel kind of empowered by it. I mean seriously...what am I hanging on to certain relationships for? Not wanting to feel rejected? The reporter who did the story, claimed some sort of *love* for our family and then completely turned her back on us when she couldn't get a second story? Ummm...right...and I owe her what? And I have been holding on to these feelings of rejection because why????

There are people in my life that I need to let go of. done. buh bye. I think..that's actually healthier than continuing to pine after relationships that are completely one-sided. There are relationships that I need to give less weight. I need to focus on the people who are interested in a true friendship of give and take. Real sharing. Real friendships. Honest emotions.

I am starting to recognize that one of the problems that I have right now is that before I got cancer, many of the friends that I had in my life (support system if you will) were people who (like my family growing up) depended on me for support. The friend who dropped her daughter off at my house all week this week is just one example. Neighbors who sent their children to my home all day long while they slept or were at work are another. Family members who just can't take care of their own needs are another...These are the same people who couldn't be bothered when I was sick (I just went back through my blogs and read about how this same mom who ... again...is entrusting me with her child all week...never returned a single call that I made to her while I was ill..) but who continues to want me to do for her....and I continue to do so...heaven forbid I disappoint.

I do have people in my life who have offered me genuine friendship and their honest feelings....I have been uncomfortable with that and I have to do some reflecting about why....I am drawn back to my internist, for example, with whom I have had an unusual and blurred relationship from the start. She has offered her real self to me...not just as a doc..but as a person...and I have handled that with...joking around. hmmmmm. That sucks. from me. She has reached out and I have drawn a boundary around myself with my laughter. I have had other people in my life try and be my friend...listen to me...want to be a part of my life and I haven't let them in....I am authentic in my writing, but not...in my ability to engage people...and that's not ok with me anymore. Clearly, I feel uncomfortable with myself...uncomfortable enough that I'm not willing to be who I am...and uncomfortable enough that I'm willing to continue on in a caretaking role with people who don't care really about me but have a great need to be taken care OF.

That is a lot for me to think about, but it's a good thing. One of the things that I also realize about myself today is that because I've had some very...unusual...experiences in my life...I may not be able to connect on the same level with people who have not. If your life makes the 10:00 news...how do you live a 'normal' life?

Today, for the first time in a long time, I had a real conversation with my mom about my grief (there's that word again) over the loss of lung function and my sadness. I kept trying to prop myself up...apologizing for burdening her with this conversation because I am always the one to support her....always....and she stopped me. My mom wanted to support me. She wants to validate me: "Kris , you have every right to feel the way you do. So much has been taken from you. I feel so angry and upset about all of this for you." My mom was really there for me today....

Thomas...is there for me...every day...anytime. It's funny to me that he gets so much criticism if he screws up and says the *wrong* thing or shows his hiney from time to time. Sure, he can seem a bit too "doc Martin" for some people (and if you haven't watched that series you need to run to Amazon or Netflix immediately and rent/buy it and watch it) but this is the man who will drop anything at anytime to be there if I think that I'm losing it. He doesn't always say the right thing...he can infuriate me...he can make me want to but if I need him....really, really need him...he is the person in my life who will always, always be there above anyone else. He can put aside his anger, his feelings of frustration...everything...for me.

I am so lucky. And I'm left pondering what relationships are important enough to pursue...what parts of my life I need to change...how I can be more honest with myself and with others...and how very fortunate I am that I have this opportunity to be honest with myself.

An even more intersesting twist? In the midst of the honest discussion with my friend about our feelings, our vulnerabilties and streses...I lost my voracios appetite...had no interest in finishing my meal. I didn't have a need to feed some emotional need within me with carbs or food. I just felt ok.

I also am happy because...I can breathe again. This high of a dose of steroids doesn't help my mental health...but now that I'm at day 3 of the new burst with the added bonus of having been on the steroid inhaler for a week.....phew...I feel so much better about being able to breathe. It's not 100% but it sure is much, much better. The secretions are 90% better...expansion...90% better. I feel better...except of course for the puffiness, exhaustion and emotional lability .

I feel...lucky...lucky to be here, lucky to have options, lucky to have real friends who will let me be vulnerable, lucky to have a husband who is imperfect (as am I) but who loves me unconditionally, lucky to have such a busy and loud house full of children who I adore (especially now that they are all sleeping :> ).

I know that the next month or two will be hard for me because I'm dealing with steroids in high doses. I have become intimately aware of what they do with me and I know that I will be dealing again with the withdrawal process. I'm also still trying to process all of this new stuff that has been thrown at me. But I'm learning who my real friends are and the things that matter in my own life...I'm finding direction..I'm finding faith....I really feel...more balanced tonight that I have in a long time...steroids and all.....


kris

I feel very, very lucky...in the midst of it all.


Kris