Life In The Real World

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

I thought I'd do a quick update before Thanksgiving.

My dad and Rose arrived this weekend to help me prepare for the arrival of our two international students who came yesterday. Instead of helping though, I discovered (to my horror) that my dad's drinking has...intensified.....(WHY do holidays have to be like this? ) I'll spare you the gory details because...quite frankly, I'm too embarassed. All I can say is OMG. :thud:

Rose is helping me as best she can, but she is overwhelmed and depressed by the current situation. My saving grace is Thomas, who has really stepped up to help talk with Rose and try and help her as best he can, and he is helping to keep my dad in line. Yeah Thomas!

I picked up the two boys yesterday when I picked up Andrew. They are 16 and 19 and seem very nice and down to earth. One is from Costa Rica and he grew up in a large family. I was apologizing for the dinner time chaos....Zoe was crying, Aidan was talking them to death with his "I am 4. Can you see my beard? I had a birthday party and my best friend Ingrid came and we played the balloon game and she gave me a....", and everyone was talking as we set the table....madness was more like it and the boy from Costa Rica said "don't apologize, I feel like I'm home.".

The other boy is from South Vietnam and has one sibling....he has one sibling and is much quieter. He spent the evening helping Alex with his math.

We all got set up to watch a big family move and the two students really seemed like they were being polite but wanted to play on their laptops.....so...I handed them each a Coke and told them to play away...I showed them the refridgerator, the snack drawer and let them sit and do what they wanted. I think they were much happier doing that!

I am terrified that my dad is going to embarass us all. It is sad to feel that way about your own parent....hopefully my step mom can get him under control.....


Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Phew! Another holiday behind us and ... we are one day closer to Christmas! I already have most of my indoor Christmas decorations up (including our 5 foot tall singing Santa :> ). I also have two smaller trees lit and decorated...one is in the kitchen and the other is downstairs in our family room. They are each only about 2 1/2 -3 feet tall. We'll still go and chop down our real tree at the beginning of December. I decided this year that the Christmas season starts November 1st around here....

I love Christmas....I love everything about the season...the baking, the spirit of love and friendship that seems to guide people's behavior, the Christmas Eve service, packing the presents and watching the kids joyfully open them on Christmas morning. It is such a happy time for me personally, and I am so thankful to have another Christmas to celebrate! Two years ago at Christmas, we didn't know how things would work out for me healthwise...today we are blessed with Zoe and I had my 2 year scan on Oct. 31st that proved to be clear....so I feel like Nov. 1 is the beginning of the "season" for us. (Of course, my "Keep Christmas in your heart all year long" sign stays up throughout the year, as does the nativity set that Thomas bought me after I was diagnosed and the little christmas tree that Andrew found for me before I started treatments. I guess Christmas tries to stay around here all year! )

Our Thanksgiving turned out to be truly wonderful. It was a little frosty outside though


My step mom cooked up a storm in the kitchen.


My only contribution to the meal was some cranberry sauce. We had ham, deep fried turkey, cornbread stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potato pie (that was so good I couldn't stop eating it), cornbread with jalapeno peppers, green beans cooked with cream of mushroom soup and fried onions....I know I'm forgetting something. We had such a huge spread and have so many leftovers that we will be eating for days. Everyone has been on their best behavior for the last few days, so I was also able to relax and stop worrying about things so much.

It was really neat that my dad was able to come and deep fat fry the turkey together with the boys. He and Rose basically got off of the plane and bought everything we needed to do the frying before they even got to our house. They set it up in the backyard which....was kind of frosty on Thanksgiving! Aidan and my dad injected the turkey with all kinds of yummy cajun spices:




Aidan was really excited to be able to do this, but declared himself a vegetarian after seeing the raw turkey!

Zoe, of course, demanded to be a part of the action:




Later, Andrew and Aidan helped my dad with the frying.





Then....the feast began







Having the exchange students here has been a lot of fun. It worked out much better than I thought it would. They are 16 and 18 and pretty much are glued to their laptops with the exception of mealtimes and when we watch family movies. They are really nice boys and we have had some interesting talks about politics and healthcare systems in their countries. It's always interesting to hear different points of view. I think Thomas and I both feel like we would do this again.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

I need a wife....or a mom to swoop in and take over all of these balls that I'm trying unsuccessfully to keep in the air. Things are just crazy around here. When I have a moment of quiet, I feel baffled by the chaos and activity.

Andrew turns 13 in two weeks, but he has officially entered the world of teendom early. My sweet, kind, gentle boy now just smarts off with a "shut up" to anyone..including Thomas and I. He and his buddies have all started to develop little potty mouths and the moms and I are all beside ourselves. How did this happen? When did my loving, gentle boy turn bad? He has lived without his wii or gamecube for a couple of weeks now and it seemed better until the other night at 9:30pm when Thomas announced that he needed to go to bed. Andrew turned around and said "You can't tell me what to do. I'm not a child".

He's not a child. He's nearly as tall as I am and he weighs 100 pounds now (normal weight, btw). He can be mature beyond his years and then minutes later have a tantrum that puts my 18 month old to shame. I just can't get over this. Everytime I look at him, I remember the gentle, loving little toddler with curly locks that adored me....and instead, I see a young man who rolls his eyes at my obvious complete and utter lack of brain cells.

I want my little boy back....and I'm not going to get that. His childhood is over...it really is...he is changing.....and we are going to have to buckle down and ride the bumpy years of adolescence with him.

Amanda, on the other hand, has evolved from being my sassy little hellian into a kind and caring young lady. She is an incredible help with Zoe and Aidan and we have wonderful conversations now. This morning while I drove her to school, she was talking to me about her feelings about the miracle of pregnancy and abortions and why people would choose that as an option. I really enjoy her now more than I think I ever have. She is growing up and changing and it is coming out in good ways right now.....but......

drumroll please.........

Her report card arrived last week in the mail. She got D's in EVERY major subject: Language arts, Science, Social Studies, Reading and Math. D's. D as in door, day, damnit.......................

Amanda has never gotten bad grades. She has stumbled through math before, but a D in language arts and a D in READING? HOW can that happen?

So I was off to conferences on Monday to find out....

I realized while I was sitting waiting with the vice principal (who was also attending Amanda's conference...be still my heart) that there are a few things that I just can't talk about in real life...they are childhood traumas, cancer, and my kids shortcomings.

I sat in the chair in the hall with my heart pounding, my palms sweating and thinking seriously that I would just give it all up and homeschool. The vice principal sat next to me and asked me questions about our Thanksgiving and my face was red (WHY can't I control that?) and my voice trembled. It was so embarassing. She actually put her arm around me when we walked into the room. I just was mortified. Generally speaking, I'm pretty bold about things....just not things that get to me at a gut level.

After we all sat down, I got the lowdown. Amanda's disorganization has reached new heights. The child who last year was one of the most organized students in her class in now one of the least. Gone are the nightly checkboxes next to her bed: shoes, coat, bag, reading minutes....Instead, her papers are all crumpled at the bottom of her bag. She has D's for 2 reasons....MISSING ASSIGNMENTS and poor performance on tests. The teachers all commented on how capable she is and that when she does get things in, they are well done.... :huh:

The test issue has already begun to remedy itself though. Amanda asked me a few weeks ago if she could work with Mrs. Anderson again and so I arranged it. I think it took a lot for her to ask for help and I told her that I thought it was a very grown up thing to do. A lot of people struggle without asking for help. The sidenote here though is that I told her she didn't need to see Mrs. Anderson again. "Amanda, I can help you. Why don't I sit down with you?".
"Ummm, no offense mom. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...I don't want your help."
"Why?"
"I just don't....oh...great...see...now it's written all over your face that I hurt your feelings."
"No...no, my feelings aren't hurt." (said while I tried to remove any shred of hurt from my face and just tuck it away in my heart).

Her last science test she got an 81% which was a huge improvement for her. Her math classroom grades are all A's and B's...but she crashes on the tests every single time. Mrs. Anderson met with her for 2 hours the first time, and told me that it took her an hour of working with Amanda just for the math anxiety to go away. She is convinced that Amanda has test anxiety. She told me that when they just sat and worked the problems she got them all right...when she did a timed test, Amanda's face was red, her hands were shaking and she missed 1/2 of them.

I told her this trimester the grades start over. She can be an A/B student if she wants to...it's a fresh start, and I can tell that she desperately wants this success. Today she has a test in science and social studies and she knows it all cold. She studied the science for the entire thanksgiving vacation, even instructing our foreign students in 5 different types of joints and we went over the social studies so much that I could write a little essay about the beginning of Trade in the US and the voyageurs. Go Amanda Go!

Then we move on to Alex.....who still is my sweet, smiley little boy. He is so effortless sometimes that he gets the least amount of attention. This year, he placed into the highest math group and they are flying in this class. All of his homework and in-class work is A's. His last two test grades? D

Again with the D thing. The teacher contacted me about 10 days ago and said that it is obvious that he is capable...he gets everything right on their daily work....but that she can't keep him in the class if he tests badly. :huh: I asked what the problem was with the tests from her perspective. She told me that Alex rushes. He was the first person done both times. Sooo...I had Mrs. Anderson (Elizabeth from here on out) work with him yesterday for an hour after school as well. She told me that he didn't make a single mistake on any problem. "Kris, he knows this. If he doesn't get an A on this test, I will throttle him.". So will I.

Elizabeth also told me that she had spent a half an hour with both of his teachers talking to them. "You know that his teacher doesn't even know about the cancer and everything?"

"I don't know why they would, Elizabeth."
"I told them about Alex and how he wouldn't go to school and how hard it has been on him. They were surprised that you hadn't mentioned it."
"Elizabeth, it was TWO YEARS ago. It's over. We have all moved on."
"Kris, your children are still recovering. Don't you see that?" She added a few comments about what she saw during that time about how they were affected and what she sees now, but I'll spare us all by not writing about it...especially myself. I don't want to look at it. This is someone that I have known since a year after we moved here. She has nurtured two of my children in her first grade class, tutored Amanda off and on since second grade and has been a part of our family. She is the person who had to help me get Alex out from beneath furniture and redress him with me some mornings....She knows it all about us. I trust her judgement. Still, I need to move on.

But I haven't really moved on, for all of my fanfare about it being over. I ran into a woman in Barnes and Noble 2 weeks ago who is also a 2 year survivor. We started chatting and again with the face turning red, hands shaking trembling voice thing. I think I apologized 10 times in our short conversation because I was so nervous that I couldn't really carry on a conversation. God, I embarass myself.

But back to Alex....he has his chapter 4 test today and then tomorrow he has a Unit 1 test over the first 4 chapters. I can barely deal with the stress of it and worrying that he'll be tossed out of this math group.

Aidan continues to be my little living action figure. He has boundless energy....but....he is small. Our pediatrician has told me not to worry because he's continuing to grow....he's just teeny. He is still wearing pants that are 18 months. Zoe is moving into the 24 month sizes, but they just fall off of his waist. :huh: He has a huge personality though to make up for it. He is always trying on different super hero costumes and his latest obsession is with transformers. I still can't believe he's already 4!

Little Miss Zoe is......adorable as usual. She is so busy and so...cute. I just love everything about her right now...(except the whining!) She seems to be developing appropriately. She still has the intoeing thing going on,but her vocabulary has increased enough that she can communicate a little bit. Her first word was "mine" (Ummm, yah, I guess if I was the littlest of 5 it would be my first word too ), and she says yum yum, Katze (cat), Nase (nose), Booo (for Buch the german for book), poopoo , potty, FooFoo (That's what she calls Amanda...it's a long story ), Mama, Papa, and Molly.

The thing is, with all of this going on...with all of my mixed feelings about the last two years and my daily struggles to get kids where they need to be and make sure planners, reading minutes, reports, tests and other papers are signed each day, I feel.....happy. I really do have what I always wanted....a big family. I even mourn the fact that there will never be a #6 (someone slap me). I am truly content with my life as it is. I know that some day my house will fall quiet, the laundry won't be exploding out of the laundry room and everything will be clean and organized...and I just want to savor these moments of chaos and activity. I really feel so blessed.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Phew....Saturday! I survived the busy week (only to enter the busy weekend of my son's 13 year old birthday party and the annual "go chop down the tree" event.)

To wrap up the week, Alex did indeed end up with an A on his math chapter test. He only missed 1 out of 30. That STINKER. Apparently, his teacher simply let him know that he would be the last one to turn in the test (no more rushing). I have no idea how he did on the unit test though since it wasn't graded, but I'm hoping that at least he did well enough for me to stop worrying.

My biggest news though, involves Amanda....who after buckling down made not just one A, but TWO. She got an A on he science quiz (a 96%...go AMANDA!) and an A- on her Social Studies Test. (WaHOOOOOOOOOO). To date, her best grade on a Social Studies Test has been a whopping F. I'm not kidding. She studied endlessly for these events and is so proud of herself. Truly, listening to her talk about her grades and seeing the joy written all over her face is just the most rewarding thing ever. It makes this rollercoaster totally worth it. Yesterday in the car, she said to me "You know, Mom, this means that I am smart now. I am an A student now."
"Yes, Amanda, yes you are," I said.
She has always goofed around in study hall and written notes to friends.
"You know that I reread the chapter twice during study hall before the test (social studies"...
"Wow...that sure paid off for you, didn't it!"

Andrew is usually pretty negative about Amanda and academics because he picks up on bits and pieces of things. When we picked him up, she had both tests in her hand. He grabbed them from her and started shouting and hollering "Awesome. I always knew you had it in you. You are awesome, Amanda. " He just kept high-fiving her and announcing to her how great she was....She was just so proud and happy...Andrew's opinion means so much to her. I want this to continue for her so much. She deserves it.

I'm in utter disbelief. I expected a C, hoped for a B on one or the other (but was prepared for more of the same)...but to have improved that much...I'm in awe. I hope we can harness the momentum here and keep the positive going.

Man, this parenting thing is so much work. I always assumed that I could send them to school and the school would take care of the educating part...and then at home I would be able to take care of being a mom and making sure that they got their homework done. I had no idea that I would be filming movies or spending hours teaching them to study for their social studies, helping them figure out how to make life-size models of the human skeleton out of clay or just standing around with my foot planted up their behinds to make sure that they get it all done.

At the end of this week, I was so tired that I fell asleep last night in the middle of a very funny movie that Thomas and I were watching.....I woke up at 3 am to discover that Thomas had brought me my favorite fleece blanket and covered me up right there on the sofa.....This morning he said "you were sleeping so peacefully, I just didn't want to disturb you."

All of the stress of the week was totally worth it though. I feel right now like we can really keep things going....I hope we can.


Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Last night, we all left out our shoes in hopes that St. Nikolaus would fill them with some yummy treats.....

It looks like we got lucky and Nikolaus ended up making it over from Germany after all ...



Aidan got a spider man action figure


Zoe got a baby and a book, but was most enthralled with the older kids' candy.


Amanda got a nice sweatshirt, but is picture here opening up her lip gloss and eating some breakfast candy.


Andrew got a few used games for his gameboy color. He collects "old" nintendo stuff. Here he is in his teen glory sprawled out on the floor eating candy. "Andrew, I can see your tummy...pull your shirt down." "Relax, mom. It's all good." What alien has overtaken my sweet boy, and when do I get him back?


Sweet, sweet Alex with his hover ball game. Nikolaus also brought him some old Deutschmark. I think he has been especially good this year!


The whole herd of 'em:



It's been such a wild week. All of the beautiful snow and cold weather has brought me one very special gift: a flu. I've felt absolutely miserable the last two days. This morning I seem to be turning the corner on feeling bad, but now have developd a yucky cough. I'm assuming that I have a touch of bronchitis which I think I can also blame on one of the kids that came to Andrew's sleepover birthday party. He doesn't turn 13 until the 11th of December, but we did his party early in order to avoid the holiday rush. (I'm so glad we did!) This particular child came over with an awful cough and it turns out he'd missed school but....came to Andrew's party. ugh.

Andrew.....at his 13th birthday party.

How can it be that he is turning 13? When did this happen?

It really is beautiful here though with all of the snow. This is exactly whey we chose to move to the cold north:

I love the snow. (At least for a short time. I know that in a couple of months, I'll be crying for summer to come!)

Aidan loves the snow too and has been outside playing in it every day:


Andrew has been a huge help this year with snow-related things. Everytime we get any snow he has gone out on his own to shovel the driveway....You can barely see him here through the falling snow....


I hope everyone is keeping warm!

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

What a MESS...My HOUSE, that is! Seriously, this place is an absolute dump. It just caps off what has been a lousy week. I have spent an entire week in my car driving around through snow storms and uncleaned streets, getting up when it's dark and then having the sun set by 4:15. The kids aren't really getting outside anymore and so they spend their days inside fighting, arguing and making messes.

Seriously, I clean the kitchen and living room so many times a day that I don't even like to be in the downstairs anymore. It's awful. On Friday, I spent the day cleaning up the main level. I battled kids dragging neighbors into the house with snow all over their boots, secret snackers who opened up the cupboards and took out food and left it out on multiple occasions and then gave Zoe a snack that she spilled all over the floor. It was a never-ending battle and by the end of a few hours of it, I screamed the heads off of everyone including the neighbor's child and then told them all to just "get out of my sight".

Yes, hours of cleaning and this is the result:



And another view:



The only proof that I had done any cleaning up at all is the vacuum and other cleaning supplies lying about.

If that isn't eybrow raising enough though, check out the downstairs where the kids went to play. I had actually tried to pull out my sewing stuff in an attempt to do some work the day before and it was spread all over the floor. Even my ironing board got knocked over.



Best of all though is my own work desk. I mistakenly put the kids computer there so that I could supervise them when they were online and they have destroyed my entire work area...completely...



Still in doubt? Have a peek UNDER my desk...a good look....


It's just gross. I can't keep up with the kids anymore....seriously....My mom tells me to just "give them responsibilities". I try...I really do...but quite frankly, enforcing all of these rules is even more exhausting that cleaning everything up myself. Also, they do help out usually...with their littler siblings...and that is a contribution that I also value. They also help set the table and clear the dishe. It's not like they don't do anything. But at the same time, when they enter a room, they feel like they have to open every cupboard and drawer to look inside without closing them again. They pull out the cereal and milk for an afterschool snack and then leave it all out. If I'm not quick enough, it all ends up on the floor because Zoe is so fast!

I'm exhausted. I think the time spent in the car is finally catching up with me. Aidan is just so busy and Zoe...she is a little monster. Cute. But a monster.

Witness said monster in potty mode. Try not to look too deeply into her eyes or she might cast you under her impish little spell. And please, feel free to notice that she is wearing her princess costume yet again and is smothered in chocolates that she stole from her older siblings' Nikolaus shoes.



The best validation that I have come from Thomas. He was home Mon, Tues and Wed. of this week and he helped out by giving me some extra time to myself. He told me that he could never do this, that I needed to go back to school or something because it's incredibly frustrating and mind-numbing and that Zoe is a "nightmare". (His words, not mine). She is so busy that it truly boggles the mind.

Here she is sneaking around in her elf costume getting ready for Christmas:

Click HEREto see the video I made of her.

In all seriousness, my personal patience level is completely off because I'm so tired and frustrated with the driving. For Thomas, the worst part of watching the kids was that he couldn't get online (check!), couldn't talk on the phone (check!) and couldn't watch his shows (check!). We talked about it last night and I realized that the hardest part of my day is that I don't have colleagues or friends to bounce ideas off or even make small talk with. The only conversations that I engage in lately are battles with my teens/pre-teens. Things were different even a few weeks ago because the kids were still able to get outside. They got together more regularly with their friends which also brought me into more contact with the parents. We've only been blanketed in snow for a week or so, but already, the Minnesnowtans are hibernating.

Ummm....YES, it is too soon to pull out my "I LOVE WINTER" posts unless you want to be removed from my Christmas Card list. :> Save the tough love for February.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Oh my gosh what a whirlwind the last several days have been. It feels like a month since I last posted, though I know it's been less than a week! Our weekend was so busy with Thomas on call. I was such a crab, too. Thankfully, the weekend ended on a better note. Sunday, Thomas got done with work early enough that we were able to go out to the Christmas Tree farm and get our tree. We go to the same one each year and the whole family looks forward to it.

Here are the kids sitting on the big sleigh before we took off for the woods.



If it looks cold outside, it's because...it WAS. It was incredible though...We were all bundled up with our hot apple cider. This is exactly the way it should be!













Bouncing up and down on the hayride!


Brrrr. Poor Zoe was in such shock that she didn't utter a word the entire time!


Oh yah...don't be fooled. After he finished posing for this picture, you KNOW who really had to get down and saw the tree down.

That's right...as soon as he realized that he would have to kneel down in the snow, it was all me. I actually ended up having to lay down in the snow to saw it down close enough to the ground. Fortunately, there are no pictures of me doing this.

The Math Family Christmas Tree...


We're so busy that we still don't have the tree decorated. The lights are only up on 1/2 of it, but this weekend it will get finished!

Tuesday was another full day. Amanda's choir class put on a Christmas play and it was Andrew's birthday. Since family tradition dictates that on every birthday we head over to Space Aliens, this made for an interesting conundrum. Amanda's concert was supposed to be from 6:30-7:30, so I fed the kids a small snack and anticipated being at Space Aliens by 8 at the latest. Ahhhh, what do they say about the best laid plans?

The concert ended up including perfromances by the 4th, 5th and 6th grade bands first. The band teacher veered from the program adding encores and extra things. By the time that Amanda's group finally took the stage, Aidan and Zoe could be found like this:


I caught this much of her performance

before Zoe snuck out from beneath my grasp and ran towards Amanda screaming "Foo Foo, Foo Foo" (Amanda's nick name!). I had to usher her out of the hall and....I missed the entire thing.

We made it to Space Aliens by 9pm. Zoe was so tired that this is all she did:

It of course screams Captain Obvious, but 9pm is a little late to be heading out for dinner with little ones.


And so....the little boy who made me a mother....turned 13 on Tuesday.

He officially entered the world of teendom with fanfare, emotion and pride. He moved to our spare bedroom on the other side of our home for more privacy but not until he had broken my heart with his confession about his life and unhappiness.

I'm not sure what brought it all to the surface. This is just the time of year that our thoughts seem to wander to the traumas of the past couple of years. We were sitting on the couch and he suddenly blurted out that 2 years ago for his birthday he had gotten the game Mario Kart Double Dash for the gamecube....and within days I was diagnosed with cancer. He worked his way up #2 in the US
http://www.mkddusa.com/ by spending countless hours hiding from his family to play. He joined a busy online forum for players of this game and he explained to me that they became his family. Since school started, we have not allowed him to play endless hours of computer games or spend much time online and he nearly cried about how in the darkest days of his life, these were the people who supported him and listened to him. He misses them and is no longer as good of a player and seems to be grieving over it.

"Mom, they say that when Jim Henson died, the Muppets died with him."
Andrew has been a huge Muppets fan for years. He loves Kermit.
"When you got cancer, my mom died. She never came back."



I played my game because I didn't want to see you. I didn't want to be around you. I didn't want to know anything.



Such joy and sadness....all in one day.

No wonder I look so exhausted....


Happy Birthday, baby boy.

With the sadness though comes the realization that healing is happening for him. He can articulate his feelings and feels strong enough nwo to share them with me.

It's amazing that the experience that we had 2 years ago can have such far-reaching consequences. We'd all like to think that it's over, but it isn't....life has changed for all of us and navigating those changes is a real struggle sometimes.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Two years.....click here

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

ho ho HO from Minnesota!



So I was driving home from Zoe's pedi appointment this morning and I stopped by the drive-thru at Caribou coffee to grab a coffee and...yes...a forbidden chocolate muffin. The Christmas carols were blasting in the background and I took a big yummy bite of my muffin before pulling up to a red light. As I finished the bite, a rather largeish chunk of the muffin fell down and slipped into the top of my blouse and landed in my bra...between the girls. Oblivious to the world around me, I reached in to grab the offending carb, but I just couldn't easily reach it. As I dug around in my bra I got that FEELING..(no not that one )...the one where you think someone is watching you. I turned to my left to smile at two young college-aged guys staring up at me with open mouths..



Falalalala la la la Laaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

This all about sums up this holiday week. The Math Family Christmas kicked off this last week with the annual decorating of the tree. We had to buy new lights for the tree this year. Thomas picked out the large outdoor bulbs because they are his favorite. After I got them all up, the kids gleefully put up their ornaments. The only ornaments that I own are the ones that the kids have made throughout the years and I love watching them hold these memories in their hands before placing them gingerly on the tree. There was a lot of talk this year about who made what ornament and when, and I sat back and watched and listened while they filled the tree.

We sat back and took it all in...and then the lights blew out. This wasn't the first time. I had already taken back one string of lights. Apparently, it isn't possible to put two strands of Wal-Mart lights together without blowing a fuse. We tried every combination of stringing and went through 6 fuses...Eventually, we gave up and got new lights. These were more expensive Target lights that twinkle red, blue and green. After getting them up on the tree and turning them on, we discovered that the string in the middle only blinks red and green. For some reason, all of the blue lights don't work.

Sigh. It is what it is. The big bulbs are still on the tree...lightless...the little lights twinkle to their own special beat..red, green and blue; red and green; red, green and blue. I'm waiting for the squirrel to leap from the tree, the cat to gnaw through the wires and and the old man with the cigar to burn the tree down (ala Christmas Vacation)







We're so busy this time of year that I never did get all of the decorations out onto our lawn. Joseph from my light up, outdoor nativity set toppled over into the snow last week, where he still lies face first. The baby Jesus is covered in a layer of snow. My animated deer and Christmas tree are still safely tucked away in the garage.

Maybe next year?

This past week, it felt like I was being crushed by the weight of my to-do list and the kids endless needs. Andrew had cumulative final exams Mon-Wed and the stress nearly did us all in. Note to self: Buy more rum.

Amanda finished up the week yesterday and I went through her school bag and found a failing grade on a social studies test. Oh Dear God, please help my daughter live to see Christmas. If she doesn't get with the program and start studying, please God, help me to find the perfect boarding school for her. :>

Sometimes parenting is so hard that I feel like I want to jump back into bed at noon and start over the next day. I'm so grateful for the true and honest friends that I have who aren't afraid to tell me that it is hard for them too...who share their vulnerabilities with me instead of judging me at every turn. And...thank God for my husband who has sat with me for the last few nights while I cried about my disappointment and feeling overwhelmed....He has held me and told me that he loves me even though I've gained 20 pounds and I'm crabby from driving around all day every day. If one person really, truly gets it lately, it is my husband who has moved heaven and earth to help me get kids to school and kung fu and try and keep this house running. Man..it is hard sometimes....

Wednesday, Aidan had his program at the Montessori School. "What are you going to do for your program, Aidan?" "I don't know. Program something?" He went on to excitedly describe his teacher and her "rocktar" (guitar) and we all prepared for an evening of preschool fun.

The program started at 5.30 and when we arrived at 5.35pm, the kids had already gotten into their circle surrounded by parents sitting in chairs all around the circle. Aidan had to be brought in while we grabbed a seat and tried to blend. That's when I realized that my new pants had a split all the way up the seam and I was flashing the room. After I got myself settled and covered up, Zoe noticed a baby sitting across from us. "Baby, Baby" it began...quietly, then shrill as the preschoolers listened to the story about the baby jesus and then sang their little songs. "Baby, Baby" nothing seemed to quiet her. Andrew and I tried walking with her and then she discovered that there were cookies on the tables. "Cooooookies" she wailed over and over again. All of the parents videoing this intimate little event kept looking at me like there was something that I could do. :huh: It was a small room, and there was no exit (except outside into the snowy night). I whispered at her, begged her...and finally stole a cookie from one of the tables to calm her.

Falalala la la la la laaaaa



Feel free to notice Zoe begin her pleas in my one attempt to video part of the evening.

At the end of it all, I discovered that our nextdoor neighbors were sitting directly across from us. Their granddaughter was in the presentation too. They came over waving and greeted us with a holiday cheer that immediately made my embarassment vanish. They are the parents of four children and grandparents to 12...We talked about Christmas and the kids and laughed about Zoe....it was all good after all.

The week came to a close with Zoe's peds appoitnment. She has been referred to peds ortho in the cities for her gait abnormalities that *may* just be tibial torsion but looks like it *could* be coming from the hips. In any case, I'm relieved to just get on with it and find out. We also survived the obligatory purchase of teacher gift cards and arguments that followed and the final days of school for Alex and Aidan. YeeHAW! They don't go back to school until January which gives us a week of sledding, movies and fun...Most importantly though, I won't have to drive anywhere I don't want go for over a week. I've been set free for a few days.

I celebrate that freedom tonight when I head out to Handel's Messiah with a friend of mine. Hallelujah and pass the rum!

Of course, the stress is all worth it. All I have to do is watch Zoe as she plays quietly and sings her baby song....and I am reminded to take life a moment at a time. Motherhood brings great highs and sometimes terrible lows...We have to embrace the good moments and hold them close.

Happy Holidays everyone!

The baby song...

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

PHEW....We finally have Christmas behind us.

The 24th was a wildly busy day. The older two babysat while dh and I ran and did our final gift and grocery shopping. We then spent the evening as a family with a fondue dinner followed by making/decorating a gingerbread house (a tradition that I have Kelly to thank for!) as well as our traditional ornament making. We then decorated stockings with glue, glitter and fabric paint and finished wrapping gifts.








Then Andrew and I went to the 11pm service at church while the others all got settled into bed. Church was a lot of fun. The sermon was really one of the best I've heard in a long time. Andrew was so tired though that he nearly fell asleep. We went up for communion and he took the bread and his little cup of wine...and kept walking, oblivious to the woman trying to get the little cup back. He walked straight OUT of the church and into the annex with the untouched bread and wine still in his hands. I decided it was time to go home and we left early.

When we got home at 12.30am, all of the kid were still awake and excited. I shuttled them into bed in Thomas' office and hid out with the videocamera (as directed by them!) to possibly catch Santa coming in to our home.

Imagine everyone's surprise when Santa really did show up!



For the Video of his visit to our home, please click here...though there is some commotion at the end with the kids, Aidan's little fake Santa number is priceless!:


Click Here

We were all absolutely exhausted once Santa had made his way to North Dakota and we managed to all sleep in until about 9.30am. This is a new record for this house on Christmas morning.

After everyone got dressed, we made it downstairs and the present ripping open fiesta began! Alex, Amanda, Aidan and Zoe were wowed by their gifts....









Andrew...not so much..which really bummed me out. I put a lot of thought into his gift...and I thought this would be one of those "best Christmas' ever" for him..instead, the reception was only luke warm. He has a Wii, gamecube and a cherished Nintendo 64 which he likes to call an antique. He is really into the history of videogaming and so...I bought him an original Atari 2600. Santa brought him an original 2600 case in the original box and several awesome Atari games like pacman, Adventure, and Frogger (in the original box with the original instruction sheet).

I thought I'd be high-fiving myself all day about how awesome I am to have thought of this gift. Andrew just wasn't wowed by it all and so I felt deflated. He likes it...even a lot...but says he doesn't want to play it because it's a collectors item and therefore...felt a little left out because he didn't have anything cool to play with.

While I prepared our roast, german Spaetzle, brussel sprouts and apple/cherry cobbler, the kids cried, fought and basically drove me crazy. The rest of our Christmas was courtesy of Bailey's Irish Cream :> . At one point, Andrew walked by Alex and actually hit him in the face...not meaning to hurt him, but...I suppose a gesture of...brotherly...love? Alex carried on for 2 hour s about not being able to open his jaw, eat, or move his mouth...which sent dh into orbit. I had this *feeling* that he was exaggerating, but any mention of that caused a ripple through the house that I was "defending" Andrew...who lost his Wii over the incident.

It all came to head over dinner when Alex cried because he couldn't eat, Zoe cried because she was exhausted, and Aidan cried because...well...when Andrew sat down next to him, he accidentally bonked him in the eye. Thomas got angry, Andrew ran downstairs to his room..and...I captured it on film because...well...this is the real world, not a cheesy Hallmark card.






Alls well that ends well, and eventually, we all made it to the dinner table and managed to move past the bonks and the slaps and our general holiday moodiness. Amazingly, once I mentioned that perhaps we should go to the ER and see if Alex needed his jaw sewn shut :> (Oh yes, I'm evil) he was able to talk and eat without a problem. I KNEW it!



The rest of the evening was relaxing again and we all enjoyed our new gifts and even spent time in the kitchen rockin out to Jordan Sparks "Tattoo".

Thomas wasn't really crazy about his big gift either...then he figured out what it could do (store 150 CDs or DVDs and organize them electronically) and he got excited. He spent an hour uploading CDs and information through the computer to this thing only to have it....break down and simply quit functioning altogether. He spent a good chunk of time writing a bad review on Amazon...and...I finished off the Baileys!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Is it really already 2008? I can't believe that Christmas and New Years are already a memory. My Christmas cards are still sitting without the addresses and I never did get all of my decorations up...Now it's time to take them down.

We have kicked off 2008 in true Math family fashion:

The check engine light went on in Thomas' car...and the repair bill today? $600 We were bathing Aidan and Zoe and noticed that some of the tiles were lifting off of our bathtub...and surprise...after we got the kids out and dried we had a look...and the wood is rotten underneath.

The real kicker though...oh yah...you know that no year would be complete without this:



Oh Murphy...WHY must you love us so?

So...Thomas turned on the water in the sink in our laundry room....and then walked away to do something else. He forgot about the sink until Andrew yelled up the stairs "Hey, there's water dripping through the ceiling".



Need I say more? The one thing I'm most grateful for is that I was not home when it happened. I was in Wal-Mart. When I got to my car there were 11 messages on the machine from my frantic husband and children. "Help!" "Emergency". Hey, I really mean it when I say that I can't leave them alone.

The thing is...I just can't get myself upset about it. Yah, it sux about the floor...and the car..and the bathtub...and it is coming at a rather unfortunate financial cost to us because we can't file with our homeowners insurance, but...instead of feeling angry or freaking out I find myself glad that these are our problems. We are healthy, it is a beautiful winter, and our family life is pretty good right now. Thomas was a mess over the floors. He wanted me to join in and was almost deflated when I said "there are so many worse things that could happen".

We managed to let it go...despite the agony of 4 boxes of wood at $250 a piece plus labor....We simply let it go.

My uncle's astrocytoma just recurred. I have a good friend struggling each day right now with the after-effects of her son's treatment for a brain tumor...and the fear that she has that it will come back.

My wish for all of us here at the iMSN this year is that the biggest challenges that we face are rotting wood and buckled floors, and that we able to find beauty in each day despite residency, fellowship, or the stress of everyday life.

Happy New Year everyone!

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Wow. It's been nearly two weeks since I last updated. I just can't find the time to get online and catch up with everyone lately...and my brother downloaded poker software to my laptop that has caused the computer to run at 80% physical memory (and sometimes more :badday: ).

The end of the holidays has meant...a return to the drive-a-thon otherwise known as "cart everyone to their respective schools" I can honestly say that having nearly two weeks off from the daily driving has made it much harder to get back into the swing of things.

The truth is that this is not sustainable over the long-term. Thomas and I have already conceded that if Amanda is able to continue to keep her grades up that she will be able to return to the public middle school next year. :huh: I think this school has served its' purpose well. She went from being on the bottom to making A's and B's (with a C in phys ed). Yeah, mid-terms!

We are also all in a slump. Andrew is constantly giving me his "I hate you for sending me to this new school" speech because he still doesn't have friends that he feels close to at the middle school. This has worsened as the school year has dragged on. sigh. Amanda harps about the catholic school every day: "I hate you too". Then they fight with each other. Frankly, I feel deflated. Instead of enjoying the time that I spend with them in the car (for endless hours each day) I want to just drop them off at the nearest greyhound bus stop and drive off as fast as I can. Obviously that isn't an option.

Things are just way too busy here...homework, kung fu, bathtime, bedtime, blah, blah, blah and we're about to add indoor soccer to the mix again. I seem to have lost myself in the process of taking care of everyone else. I got a new babysitter who started last week. She came from 8:30-11:30 Monday and Tuesday and instead of celebrating my new freedom, I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. :huh:

I simply had no one to call and invite for a quick morning out. I have realized lately that I'm unable to embrace most of my former friendships. I simply have been unable to return to my before cancer life...even though I really have tried. Yah, yah, I know...everyone else moved on instantly, why can't I? I don't know...call it trauma...Whatever the case may be, I feel like I'm alone even when I am sitting with another person or even a group of people....and that feeling has only deepened with the passage of time. This is how I feel online and in real life. I don't feel depressed about it...just that I don't really fit in anywhere right now in my life. I have plenty to keep me busy...but things are definitely not the same...in any realm of my life.

I have tried to focus more on the kids, but that is really hard with the teenage hormones, attitudes and moods breaking through each day. Instead of being cool, calm and collected like I always knew I'd be, I have turned into a bit of a screamer. I just can't listen to them complain all. day. long. I am working hard to inject some adventure into our lives though....Each weekend I have vowed to take the kids out and do something fun. Thomas gets that day to stay at home and read, play online or relax. This way, both of us get what we want. Here we are setting out on our way to the science museum last week....



For my kids, getting anywhere is 1/2 the fun. We packed up a picnic lunch, got everyone into the car and then before I even made it to the highway they had cracked open the picnic basket and were excitedly passing around the yummy treats. They had a great time going through the museum, but I'll confess here that my adventure mainly consisted of counting 1-2-3-4-5, 1-2-3-4-5 over and over again as I kept tabs on them.












Eventually, we ran into a situation where I hit 1,2,3,4.....1,2,3,FOUR....four, four, four....where is Aidan, where is Aidan...holy SHIT, where is AIDAN. Andrew, Amanda and I split up and I grabbed Alex and Zoe. We all met in the designated central spot, but there was no Aidan. Then I saw him standing there....sobbing hysterically. There were moms everywhere, and even a museum attendant nearby, but no one as much as glanced at him. (I assume they were counting too ). When I reached him, he fell into my arms with heartwrenching cries. He had decided to sneak back to the dinosaurs for one last look...and then realized that he was lost. "I thought you were gone forever mommy."

"No, honey, I'll never leave you."



I decided that my heart had had enough adventure for one day, so we packed it all up and headed back home. We stopped at a burger king for dinner and let Aidan and Zoe play until they were so tired that they dropped right off to sleep when we put them back in the car.

Phew!

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

You know you've hit the psychological winter 'wall' when the ice and snow on your driveway jump up and tear off your bumper... :> ...or you go out into the garage to grab the 12 pack of pop that you left outside to discover that the cans have exploded and the temperature is a balmy -17F.

We've officially hit the wall...

The reason that winter in Central MN is so awful isn't because of the cold, ice or crunchy snow that makes life outdoors seem uninhabitable. It is because the only indoor activities for children are fighting with each other, fighting with each other over the computer, fighting with each other over the gaming systems and listening to parents fight with each other about the fighting children.

We have reached a point in our parenting of feeling helpless. Our once mild-mannered 13 year has entered adolescence with full force...this has been a sort of sudden-onset puberty where our firstborn went from being kind and sincere to really difficult to deal with in a matter of weeks...and it has stuck! Admittedly, I have handled this with the grace and class of a homeless alcoholic being swarmed by hornets. The words that have come out of my mouth have been unacceptable and have only served to fan the flames of this adolescent battle that we are engaged in. When did I become such a bad mom? :huh: How did this happen?

Both Thomas and I recognize that we need to step back, start acting like adults again and regain control of our behavior and our household, but the truth of the matter is that we find ourselves in the situation of feeling helplessly, hopelessly overwhelmed. It is the dead of winter and the kids are stuck indoors. I am exhausted beyond the limits of my ability to cope by the constant driving around in the car, the early mornings and the day-to-day issues of dealing with 5 children ranging in age from 13 to 21 months. I'm so tired and worn out that I have begun to neglect the basic things in this house....dishes, laundry, homework routines....you name it.

Yesterday, the kids had a kung fu show at 1:15 and Thomas was busy all morning/afternoon giving a CME talk about MRSA for family practitioners. I was on my own trying to get everyone ready. It seemed like things were going as planned until I realized that Andrew and Alex's kung fu shirts (that they had hung up in their closets) were filthy. With only 30 minutes before we left, I threw them into the washer on the quick wash cycle...and even with that I kept going back and rotating the dial to make it go faster. This backfired on me though and I couldn't get the door to the washing machine open. When I finally was able to get the clothes out, they were soaking wet because I had screwed up the spin cycle. I tried squeezing them out and then tossed them into the dryer, but when it was time for us to go....the shirts were still very wet.

Instead of being upset, we just decided to embrace it. The boys put on heavy shirts underneath their uniforms and we laughed on the way to kung fu about writing this one up in the scrapbook as the kung fu event they went to soaking wet.

The Kung Fu teacher was much less amused. She can be very serious and she sought me out to scold me for Alex's wet shirt. :tsk: "Kriiiiiiis", she chided, "I had to give Alex an extra shirt. It is very wet." It was so obvious that she disapproved, yet instead of being apologetic, I responded "well, if you think Alex's shirt is wet, you should see Andrews!" The teacher looked surprised. "Why?" I just sighed. Of course, nothing trumped Aidan's PINK Kung Fu shirt. I had to explain to Thomas that I separated clothing for exactly that reason. White + Red= PINK!

Amanda and Andrew's group got the program started:

Notice that Andrew is wearing a heavy sweatshirt underneath his Kung Fu uniform.

Aidan's group was up next. If you look closely, you'll see how pink his uniform is!


The program closed with Alex's group. He is the second one and is directly facing the camera:


My two good friends were there and we giggled like school girls about Aidan's pink shirt, the boy's wet clothing and the struggles we'd been having of late. Good grief, if we didn't laugh we might just need to be committed. OK...so we also giggled over the demonstrations by two of the adult male kung fu instructors who showed us every possible martial arts lock and release from a... lying on the floor, legs wrapped around each other in what could have been interpreted as a warm embrace position. It was almost embarassing to watch.

I feel desperate for time alone to myself though. Last week, I had to cancel the babysitter who comes in the morning because all of the kids got sick with the stomach flu.

This morning, I got up early with Zoe and tried to get online for a little bit while she rummaged through her toy chest. Instead of playing with her toys though, she tore off her diaper and pajamas, climbed up onto the sofa with me and proceeded to pee all over me and two of our three sofa cushions. It all happened so fast that I was actually stunned enough to sit there for a minute.

I spent the next 1.5 hours trying to wash off the cushions with woolite and our wet/dry vac....The cushions look shiny and new, but the smell....it is still lingering there. :banghead:

The problem that we have is that there is no easy fix. We do not have reliable family to help out. Thomas and I have been trying to survive through tag teaming. I let him go out for a few hours, he lets me go out for a few hours and sometimes we let Andrew and Amanda babysit. This is always a rather awkward option because even though Andrew is 13, Amanda is nearly 12 and they both really are very, very good with the little ones when we're gone, people look down their noses at us about it.

I was babysitting when I was in the 5th grade. I don't quite understand the outrage. Before we leave, Amanda and Andrew write out a list of things to do with Alex, Aidan and Zoe....they play games, watch selected videos, set up the wooden train tracks, build with legos and actually manage to have everyone in their pajamas sleeping when we get back....they are really good babysitters...just bad at being siblings right now.

At 13, Andrew is legally of age to babysit other people's children (the age is 12 in MN) and Amanda is legally of age to babysit her siblings (the age is 11)...and yet we get the "so who is your babysitter tonight?" with the knowing glances across the table between people certain that we are neglecting our responsibilities as parents.

It is...infuriating.

We have hired babysitters in the past. Last summer, we were still hiring TWO babysitters to come and babysit our 5. What we discovered is that the babysitters got engrossd in playing video games, ignored Zoe, didn't get along with Amanda, didn't clean up, were expensive and to top it off, they were never available when we needed them because of all of the activities that they were involved in. Average age of said babysitters? 13 :huh: Any older than that and they really, really were impossible to schedule something with.

sigh.

I feel frustrated...and I'm having trouble forgiving myself for the horrible things I have said to Andrew in recent days due to my frustration with his behavior and my own exhaustion.

The only thing that is encouraging to me is that there is no place to go but up. I recognize this defeated winter crash and I know that once I realize I'm here that I'm always able to find my winter groove again.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

Mommy Boot Camp: Day1

In the spirit of taking control of this Zoo again, I hit the ground running today. After Aidan's preschool conference, I got the kitchen cleaned up, made my bed and did some general picking up and laundry folding. That sounds like what I should be doing every day, and it is...but I haven't been doing it very regularly. I took Amanda to a friend's house, came home and finished cleaning up the downstairs and then I took all of the boys out for a surprise rootbeer float at our local A&W. It was nice to think about them and not ruminate about being lonely or the weather being cold.

Also...major confession...I got back on the lexapro today. I took it after Zoe was born and we were going through so much turmoil and I did well on it. After 6 months of stable happiness, I got the ok to taper down and get off of it. My goal was to not take anything....but....I think it was a mistake to stop so soon. Maybe I need to stay on it for a longer period of time. I don't know why this bothers me so much. I'm totally pro "do what you need to do" for anyone else, and I don't judge anyone who takes an antipdepressant or other meds...but I hate taking something myself. :huh: It doesn't make sense. I got the ok from my internist to take it. I'm seeing her in 10 days for other testing and ....I may need to get back on steroids for awhile ... long story... let's just all hope for the sake of my weight (and mood) that I can avoid it!

The great thing about lexapro for me is that I get an instant result...within hours...because of the side-effects. The drug makes me tired, which makes me calmer and quieter......so even though it takes awhile for the actual medicine to do its thing, I get sort of instant relief from anxiety because of its "may cause fatigue" side-effects. Lucky me..and since I'm usually such a ball of pent up energy, everyone notices.

Andrew: "you sure are calm today, mom"
Thomas: "you seem different. much calmer"



Also, I made a conscious effort to back off from my more offensive parenting stance of the past several weeks. I forced a please and thank you out of my mouth each time I asked for something instead of just being short with the kids. It was such a relief to feel some of my old patience returning....It was awkward and familiar at the same time, if that makes any sense. I was so much happier saying "honey, could you please close the door" instead of "good Gawd, close the freaking door, you're letting all of the heat out" Yes, I have been that horrible, bitchy mom recently...it has just gotten progressively worse with all of the driving, driving, driving....

Andrew got behind in one of his classes and was afraid to tell me....and when he finally summoned the courage today, I handled it with a smile instead of an exhausted, overwhelmed "Oh, Andrew" Again...I know...I suk. I forced myself to be calm about it even though I felt disappinted and upset. We sat together for 2 hours and I tried to explain things...slowly, while smiling and encouraging him...It was made easier by the fact that I feel mercifully sedated. I am really sensitive to medicines. His angst over this class and my willingness to listen instead of being critical caused him to open up about his feelings about the workload this year and made me realize how much pressure he is under. I am sure that a lot of the behavior that I have been attributing to becoming a teenager is coming from this too. As I helped him, I could literally feel him relax....and me. It felt so much better to sit down and work through things again instead of just bite my nails and feel upset.

Man, have I been way off base by reacting to my own frustration instead of just stepping back and trying to help. How did I get from being patient to being a crabby witch? Damn, damn, damn. I guess at least I see the light.

After we picked up Amanda this afternoon, I took the kids to the shopping mall so that Aidan and Zoe could play at the play area. All of the older ones complained, but then they had so much fun chasing Aidan and Zoe around and pretending that they were only playing for the sake of the little ones that they didn't want to leave.

Once we got home, I assigned each of the kids the task of cleaning their rooms, their bathroom and putting away their laundry. I haven't had them put their own laundry away since getting sick....and man...now I remember why I did it. I gave them each their baskets, asked them to take them up, hang things/put them in their drawers and have the baskets back downstairs in 5 minutes. Bam...they did it...no problems...It was like we never had stopped doing that!

As a reward for a good day, we all went to TGI Fridays for dinner. Monday nights kids eat free. :> Amanda started arguing about being owed babysitting money, etc and Thomas started up with arguing right back. Instead of joining in, I turned to Amanda and said "We aren't going to argue about this. You will need to accept your dad's decision". She started arguing with me and instead of getting angry (my modus operandum of late) I just firmly let her no that I would not argue with her. Thomas immediately sensed a change in me....and....he followed my lead :thud:

Oh YAH....how could I forget? Mom's calm...everyone's calmer. I realize that I really am a lightning rod for this family right now and I really, really have to reign it back in. I don't think it's completely fair that I have to be the one to set the tone all of the time, but...that doesn't matter. Ultimately, I just need to suck it up and set the tone.

Our evening was very nice and all of the kids went to bed exactly as they were told.....Andrew was even hopeful that he was going to be caught up before the next test and Amanda didn't argue once....even a little.



I bought a new stroller today that was on sale so that I can start heading out to the mall during Aidan's preschool hours with Zoe to walk and get exercise. My old double buggy is impractical and bulky. One of my other "mommy bootcamp" realizations is that something that makes me happier during the summer is walking and being active gardening, etc. I can't quite bring the garden indoors, but I can get out and walk around the mall. It's a must....

Tomorrow I am returning to my regularly scheduled activity of weekly menu planning...something else that has completely been shoved aside since school started. Before the kids get home from school I will have a menu for the week completely prepared to make things once again more organized and relieve myself of unnecessary stress........

I will either take control of this situation or it will completely take control of me.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Life In The Real World

I've got a few minutes for a mid-week update. It's been so crazy here because we put my van in the shop Tuesday morning and opted to avoid getting a rental car. Since Thomas' car only has 5 seats, it means that I have to leave by 6:55am to get Andrew and Amanda to their schools, come back and pick up Thomas, Aidan and Zoe and drive Aidan to school and Thomas to work....

Basically...it's a live in the car kind of week. The repair shop said that they "hoped" to have the van ready by Friday. Hoped? I said "it's a bumper...just slap a new one on. I don't even care what color it is." It better be ready tomorrow!

All in all though, things have smoothed out so much. I feel like I've been able to find my footing again. I'm not sure what helped me get there, but it is so nice to feel like I'm not wound up like a spring. I feel relaxed and as an added bonus...the whole compulsive eating thing. It's gone right now. That is a really weird added bonus to starting the lexapro that I never would have anticipated....I am a closet McDonald's french fry eater. Sad, I know...but nothing calms my frazzled nerves quite like an order of french fries. Now, the idea of eating a french fry makes me want to throw up. yeah, me! I sure hope THIS lasts!

I've actually lost my appetite.

Again. Yeah, me!

I also decided to get outside of the house a little more. One of the kung fu moms and I have started to slowly get to know each other. Her daughter started about 9 months ago. A few months ago, she said "you don't know me, but....well....the article about you in the paper...my daughter was interviewed for it too." There was a section online about area families dealing with cancer. It's a small world.

Her daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia when she was 2 1/2. She had such a rare genetic form of leukemia that there were only 4 other cases in the world....all of the other four children have since died. They told her that her daughter had a 5% chance of surviving....She had a bone marrow transplant in 2005....and is still doing well. She's doing well....relatively speaking. The chemo caused her daughter to have neurological and developmental issue and even though she is now 10, she is the size of a 7 year old, has obvious coordination problems and learning disabilities.

The more we have talked and gotten to know each other, the more I have learned about her life. Her first son was diagnosed with leukemia when he was 5 months old....and he died of sepsis at age 2. Her second child was stillborn....and now her only remaining child is living under this cloud.

It is...unimaginable....really...unimaginable. It sure puts issues like complaining about driving around in the car into perspective.

She and I got together this morning for coffee for the first time...It was so nice to be able to sit and talk with someone real....no worring about fixing my hair, putting on make-up or thinking about how I should say things. This woman is down-to-earth, doesn't wear make-up most of the time and seems completely unmoved by my ponytail, sweatshirt and jeans.

In other news, my mother-in-law called me this week. Tuesday, as I was running out the door, the phone rang and she told me she needed to talk with me. I apologized and let her know that I was going to pick up Aidan and so she said "when will you be home tomorrow? We need to talk with each other. You never talk to me anymore".

Wednesday at exacty the designated time (which, I had already forgotten ) she called. I got really nervous because I thought she was going to bawl me out for not talking to her.....or something.

Instead, she said "Kris, we haven't talked in so long. I had a dream about you the other night that you came to visit me all by yourself. It was so nice, but of course, I know that will never happen....I miss you."

:thud:

"How are you?"
"I'm fine, Leni...how are you?" Her brother just died of lung cancer and her sister is undergoing treatments for breast cancer. "I'm so sorry to hear about Hans"
"I'm fine...let's just talk about you Kris"
:thud:
HUH? :huh:

I was so stumped that I didn't know how to respond. She continued:

"Well, let's start at the top then. How is Andrew? How does he like his new school? How is he doing?" And she literally went from one kid to the next, asking questions about them, commenting appropriately....and then she asked me how I was doing.

"How is your health?"
"good".

"Things aren't the same though, are they?"
"no...no, Leni, they aren't"

"I understand, Kris"...and then she talked to me about how she thought I deserve a vacation and I should get a babysitter because we have to fill up our own tanks and not just be moms....and that if she were in my shoes, she would feel burned out...

Have I said this yet? --------> :thud:

I felt like I could really open up to her and so I told her how I had been struggling and how hard this last month or so has been...about some of the health issues I've been having and my concerns...and....she was so UNDERSTANDING.

I truly could not believe it. This is the first time we have EVER had this kind of a conversation, and it was initiated by her. She eventually brought up whether or not she would be allowed to come in the Spring for a short visit.....and I could really sense that she was afraid to bring it up out of fear that I would say no.

Thomas had a 1/2 day and he was standing near me the whole time like ----> ....

I have to say that this really went a long way towards bridging the distance that has grown between us over the last couple of years....When I got off of the phone, Thomas was in shock over the conversation. Honestly, so was I.

It's been a good week.