Life In The Real World

[PrincessFiona]

July 28, 2005

Wow...amazingly, several things have kind of fallen into place today and I feel the stress melting away. A friend of mine from the area who I did several things with has been out of town and she just got back last night and phoned me while I was adding the previous entry. She is ready to 'get together' again and I am eager for the 'grown-up' interaction. We were working on putting together a german language program here and she still is intersted...She also is a sahm to 3 kids and understands how bad it can be. When we first met, she used to tell me about how she read these novels to her kids at lunch time during the summer, etc and I felt really insecure. Her whole house is like a huge craft closet...and mine is just a dustbowl [laughing] .

This morning I told her it had been a rough summer because of the isolation and the fact that the kids are all at such different ages with such different needs. It was a great conversation. She was visiting her mom and told me that even with mom there to help that she was just'on the ledge' 1/2 the time.

It's been a tough summer for many of us, I guess. Judging from some of my PMs and my personal phone calls I know I'm not alone. Thanks to all of you who responded and let me know that you've been there too...and managed to emerge! [grouphug]

All of our summers around here are usually so positive and fun that this has been a real bummer. DH has decided that we're all 'going on vacation' and he's been calling with his schedule for August so that we can get away for a few days!

kris
_________________

[PrincessFiona]

August 2, 2005

Wow...I've had such a string of 'good days'. Even the days that were challenging have felt good to me lately. Never underestimate the value of getting the neighborhood kids to come over only...occasionally! [Razz] Things have been so much more manageable!

My oldest was in his play Wed. and Thurs. of last week and it was fabulous. We recorded it all on DVD. He was so proud. I can't believe how big he is.

My daughter (age 9) seems to suddenly be maturing and blossomng. It's just unbelievable to look at her or talk with her. She was a difficult toddler and even more difficult in preschool/early elementary school...in the last few weeks she has become such a joy! She is always asking if she can babysit our youngest (while I'm home of course!!!) and "what can I do to help in the house" [yikes] .."you know mom, I'm going to be a mom someday too". Most recently, she has decided that she 'needs' deoderant (she's 9) [Big Grin] . It's adorable to see how she's growing.

Most significantly, she asked me a few days ago whether I was planning on going back to work in the Fall. I'm working on bringing a german school to the area and she heard me discussing it with my husband: "How could you? Now what will we do?" I had no idea what she was talking about. The German school is a Saturday program, but I'll also be teaching in her school. She thoguht I would be at work full time. At first she kept asking about our 21 month old "how can you DO this to him" she asked?

The truth is that if I worked full-time they would adjust beautifully...and there would be no harm done..really. But it was nice to know that they like having me there..that this is 'fun' for them....I felt a sense of peace that this had been the right decision for our family.

That being said, I've been revisiting career decisions. The only real choice I've made is to wait a few years. When the time is right, I'll go back to school. Until then, I want to try and enjoy this time.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

August 2005

There's a Muppet song called "Somebody's Getting Married".

The muppet babies sing "Days go passing into years" and the old muppets sing "Years go passing day by day"

Remember when you counted each day of summer anticipating the start of the next school year? How about counting the days until the weekend? Your Birthday? Christmas?

In my life now, I have stopped focusing on the day...or even the month. There is so much to be done that my focus now has become "next year"...."I'll add more perennials next summer" "We'll put the house on the market next year", "we'll visit home next summer"...and now 'next year' comes so much more quickly that there are times where I have had to put off a task for yet another year. Time has simply galloped on ahead of me.

I remember being pregnat with my first child. We lived in Germany and were planning to move to the UK in a year...it seemed like I still had forever in germany...and then..it was over. We moved to N. Ireland for what was to be a year and I imagined that the time would never end...our adventure there would give me time to relish and enjoy the experience more...and yet...suddenly the time was over and we were moving on.

I felt that my experiences in Germany (where I lived for several years)and N. Ireland would never be far from my memories or my heart..and yet now, 9 YEARS later, it almost feels like we never lived there. When I look through our photo albums it is hard for me to imagine that that time in our lives was real.

I thought that I would never forget how my first baby smelled....his first word, the day he took his first steps...and I didn't write these things down. I didn't think I would ever forget what they were like as babies...and now, the only thing that I have that connects me to that time are my photographs.

There are times now when my 9 year old daughter jumps onto my lap that I realize that I have to burn this memory into my mind. She is getting older and soon...she will be too big for my lap. A time will come before I'm ready, that she will be moving on into adulthood...and eventually it will be her daughter jumping on my lap.

Life is galloping on...moving forward at a pace that feels indescribably fast to me.

When my older children were babies I didn't feel too concerned about putting my career ambitions on hold. "There will be time for me" I consoled myself with the certainty of a woman in her mid-twenties that felt she would never hit the magic age of 30. 30 was my goal...at 30 I would definitely be back on the career track...I would be skinnier again, more confident and I would feel more...grown-up.

I'm 35 now...the skinnier part unfortunately hasn't happened yet...and I would say I'm not really more confident...I have just reached a point in my life where I feel entitled to my opinion and I don't really care what anyone else thinks [Big Grin] . But more grown-up? No...I don't really feel like I thought I would feel as a busy mom of 4. I feel like the same old me. My 61 year-old mother informed me yesterday that she feels the same way..that one of the big secrets of life is that you never really feel 'grown-up'. Wow, what a shocker. Now, I've revised my career-plan again. The magic number is now 40. Though this time, I realize that this number is ephemeral and subject to change...because Life happens.

I want to start living live each day again..not year by year or God forbid, decade by decade. The first 10 years of our marriage, my husband and I lived for tomorrow. "If we can just get through the USMLE...internship year...residency...fellowship...the first year out of training, then ....." And now, I just want to enjoy each day.

I have made a conscious decision to slow down...to take each day now and to savor the time I have left at home with my children. I don't know what the future brings, but one thing is certain: Years from now, they will leave the nest and this season of my life will be but a memory...it's one I am determined to enjoy.

Get off of the computer, grab your kids..and go to the park you guys! Do it now...do it this evening...just do it.

Kris
_________________

[PrincessFiona]

September 29, 2005

Wow..has it really been over a month since I last wrote? It's been such a busy time.

We made an offer on a house (that was accepted), sold our house and went on vacation...then the kids started school!

I initially enrolled them in our year-round charter school, but within a week I sent them back to the public schools. Nothing really was wrong..it's just that the kids were not happy. My oldest son wanted desperately to move on to the middle school to be with his friends. He wanted to join the band and take part in the knowledge bowl. My daughter hated wearing uniforms and just didn't feel like she was connecting with the kids/teacher. This was magnified by the fact that school didn't get out until 3.30pm and we didn't end up making it home until about 4.15pm.

Making the decision to switch back was tough...and I've regretted it from time to time...but at the end of the day, the kids are all happier. The thing that sold me on it at the end was that a good friend of mine teaches 1st grade in the new elementary school that our children are slated for with the new house. She agreed to take my 1st grader in her class and to handpick a teacher for my daughter. Then she helped us get a wonderful 5th grade teacher for my freshly minted middle-schooler.

It's working out pretty well. My oldest is now playing the saxophone and is doing well socially. Things (crossing my fingers) seem to be going well.

I'm adjusting prett well to not working this semester. I thought I would end up feeling badly or missing it. Instead, I just feel relief. I have time to focus on writing and just generally taking care of my little guy.

Surprisingly, I feel very peaceful about things. I'm glad that I'm not at the U dealing with kids who feel entitled to their A because they paid tuition (even if they need a calculator to multiply!). I am going to use this time to focus on writing and deciding what I will do in years to come.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

October 7, 2005

Man...how did I go from juggling so many balls to feeling like I can't accomplish anything? I'm realizing that stepping out of my job has resulted in me completely dropping all of the plates that I've been balancing.....crash! I can't seem to get anything done.

Laundry? boring Kitchen? Boring Bathrooms/bedrooms/playroom? BORING! I can't seem to motivate myself to do the basic things that I know that I 'should' and need to be doing each day. I find that I've been wasting a lot of time online or goofing off instead of organizing my time and getting things done. The result? chaos. In that sense, I really do miss working. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and external motivation to keep things organized!

We're in the middle of moving...still. At this point, we're literally living out of boxes. I've had to go over to the garage of our new house and bring things back home and open up packed boxes. My oldest child has suffered the most from the chaos...it seems to have bled over into his ability to organize as well.

DH and I seem to be arguing/fighting all of the time simply because of the stress of living in limbo.

So that's where things are here....chaos and moving stress.

The only other realization that I've had is that it will be a long time before I will be able to go back to school/work. I had hoped to be able to apply for a PhD/PsyD program in 2 years but it doesn't seem to be realistic. It's left me wondering if I will end up putting this decision off so long that I'll end up not going back...and that does cause me some anxiety. My dad used to always say "If you take a break, you'll never go back"...and I was certain that he was 'wrong'...but...maybe he is right? [Guilty] In any case, my older child's needs seem overwhelming to me....he needs more emotional attention and help in social areas.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

November 17, 2005

Wow...another month and so much to report!! We finally moved after having our closing date put off week after week...then 3 days later, my german mother-in-law and her best friend showed up for a 3 week "visit". They just left about a half an hour ago. I suppose it's a bad sign that the minute they left I ran for my laptop and have been furiously catching up on emails, posts, etc!

This was definitely an *interesting* visit. I have never met my mil's best friend and so it was a bit akward at first. Then, I discovered that she and I had a great deal in common and actually got along quite well....That being said, they were both quite intrusive about their cleaning ( a bad, bad habit that my mil enjoys torturing me with ) My mil constantly bugged me about my children's bedrooms (which by my standards looked just fine!) The women "team-cleaned" every morning and this included them actually going into MY bedroom/bathroom and cleaning my things, making my bed (if I hadn't gotten to it by say...8.30am) and even washing my clothes...including undies [Eek!] My dh and I had several "hell-come-to-Jeesus" sesions where I ran into the garage and basically met him at his car swearing! He chose not to take a single day off during their trip and I was left to entertain etc.

Here we had just moved, and I felt like a teen-ager in my own home. It was quite frustrating to be pushed aside. Fortunately, by the time this last week had rolled around I had kind of accepted it....kind of like the last stages of labor/delivery, where you realize that you are laying there with your feet in stirrups and are naked from the waist down with your ob (who you just had pizza with a week ago when you went out for dinner) standing at the receiving end...you know..you just kind of...pretend like this is *normal* and get through it....

That's what I did...I gave in and just reminded myself that it would be over soon....they delighted in washing my undies and making my bed...and I had to let them or be miserable. Unfortunately, there are no epidurals for mil visits .....

School is going really well for my oldest, who struggled so much last year. He has a fabulous teacher who is incredibly nurturing. At parent-teacher conferences he ended up having all A's and A+'s [yikes] and she just gushed on an on. We had heard so many negative things last year from his teacher that I had begun to wonder if he really did have something wrong with him. Several of my son's teachers (all men, btw...though I'm trying REALLY hard not to get biased here) had made some negative comments to me like "good luck with that one" etc at the end of the year...I had been told that he was a bit odd, etc....and this teacher just told me how fabulously intelligent he is etc (of COURSE it's all my genes [Good Vibes] ) In any case, many of my fears have been alleviated and I'm just thrilled that things are turning around for him like this. He tested into a special math masters program and is a group leader on the academic triathalon!

My daughter (age 9) appears to believe that she is already 16 and I feel like ripping my hair out all of the time. She just drives me bananas with her back talk and sassiness [weeping] Her teacher has already informed us that she is "going through puberty" and needs deoderant [yikes] and so now she is convince that she'll be wearing a bra and having a period any day. [Roll Eyes] Lord help me!...

My 6 year old is having a blast in 1st grade and has adjusted well.....and...my little guy just turned 2! I can hardly believe it! He's such a bundle of energy that I struggle to keep up with him and all of his messes!

In any case, the family is doing well. DH is a little unhappy because for the last 2 months patient census has been down. He has had several days where he sits around waiting for a consult for a couple of HOURS...and then gets a consult at the end of the day....other days he has simply come home early because there just aren't any patients to see.....so, he's panicked about his production numbers etc.....

I am back to contemplating career (as usual). This came about when my mil basically told me that I needed to "quit my job and go to work" because I "obviously don't love cleaning". Ummmm....are there any of you out there that LOVE cleaning? She wouldn't let the topic go and she kept telling me what a shame it was to waste my education...A little info about my mil...Her opinion is "why have children if you are going to work?" She is quite vocal about how terrible it is for women to work AND she blames the high divorce rate on women's selfish needs for self-fulfillment/actualization.

Obviously, her suggestion that I return to work was quite unsettling. More unsettling was my realization that I do struggle to find happiness and a balance between being a mom and meeting my own personal/professional needs. To be honest, I really HATE cleaning AND if I am even MORE honest....I don't even do it often enough or very well. I sort of go through cleaning and laundry *spurts* [Embarrassed]

I realized recently that I have very little fun in my life that doesn't involve the kids...My dh and I haven't gone on a vacation alone since we were married almost 12 years ago! Our lives revolve around the kids and the house....and we don't even take ourselves out on *dates* very often. I am suddenly going through this very selfish phase where all I want to think about is my own happiness....which...comes at an akward time as I am ~11 weeks pregnant.

The pregnancy was something that I really wanted.....and so did my husband....It isn't something I regret, but at the same time, I'm wondering how I will manage our little brood and still find time to nurture myself...which I believe is also important.


Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

I woke up this morning feeling sick and have just been sort of sliding downhill all day. After getting the turkey into the oven I went upstairs and tried to get myself comfortable...but I just feel lousy. I'm sick to my stomach, have a headache, shoulder pain and a tooth ache. I can't tell if it's a real tooth ache or pain radiating from my shoulder.

I'm baffled by the shoulder...I must have slept on it wrong...but it's so sore that a warm bath, a heating pad, and an attempted massage by dh have done little to alleviate the discomfort.

We've had a whirlwind of ups and downs with the kids over the last two weeks that have again humbled me. I realized that I'm basically clinging on for dear life to this parenting roller coaster. One week we're up, the next week we're down...I suppose the fact that we have 4 children is what keeps me on my toes...I can always count on 1 child being down while the others are up...and if all of the stars are aligned....they can all have an issue going on at the same time [Roll Eyes]

In any case, the issues began when my soon-to-be 11 year old discovered some anti-harry potter websites written by some extremists who insist that HP is inspired by the devil,etc....I had no idea that he was visiting this particular website as I've never had any reason in the past to question his online judgement...although that has now changed. He began having tantrums and getting hysterical about it...and I had to completely unplug the computer.

Right around the same time, I had parent-teacher conferences for my 4th grader. We've had a non-stop series of social issues going on since school started. This involves her former best friend who we discovered 2 years ago was hitting my daughter in anger and was kicking her under the table whenever she'd eat. The child obviously has eating issues and we ended up having to end the friendship. As luck woudl have it, they ended up in the same classroom this year..and the..games began again.

I don't know what's wrong with kids...or parents nowadays....The girls here are so 'on-again/off-again' with their friendships. Every day that my daughter comes home she will tell me "Nicole and I 'broke up'...she said she hates me"...the next day "Nicole is my bff (best friend forever)"..the next day "why does Nicole hate me again?"

It's terribly confusing for her (and me, I might add) and after living here for 4 years, she doesn't have a single real friend that she can count on...not one. I feel sorry for her.

There were so many social issues in the classroom that my daughter resorted to her old standby...reading...so whenever there is "down-time" in the classroom she picks up a book and reads. The teacher informed me that she was having a meeting with the social worker about my daughter and her perception that my daughter is 'depressed'. I talked with her at length about the social issues and the fact that Amanda says she 'just doesn't want to deal with it anymore' and that somehow cinched it. The teacher basically let me know that girls always have been and are like this and since Amanda can't adjust and make friends with these freakazoid children of freakazoid parents <heavy sarcasm> she should go to a 'friendship group' with other girls struggling to make friends. [Roll Eyes]

I suggested that a 'friendship group' might be more valuable for every single 4th grade girl to participate in since there are obviously wide-spread friendship issues...but that wasn't well-received.

I'm feeling exhausted by the unrelenting issues that continue to pop up. I wonder if we'll ever have a time in our lives where there is just...calm...relaxed calm.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

November 29, 2005

I have really been at peace since leaving my job teaching biology labs at our local U this summer.....I don't miss the politics, the issues with the students or doing all of the prep work....though I do miss the interactions with my peers and the intellectual challenge of teaching. I have regretted walking away from the job though because of the fear that I won't ever be able to get my foot in the door again.


Two days ago, I found the keys to the University that I was supposed to have turned in already. I was unpacking a box and there they were....I put them aside to take back in recognizing that this final gesture could be sort of therapeutic for me...I should accept that this is the life that I chose.

The next morning, the phone rang. It was a prof from the U asking me to teacher her class in the Spring...she most likely will not be returning to teach the class either (a non-majors Human Biology) class AND it is unlikely that they will be looking for another PhD to take on a non-majors course...if I say yes...this could be the break I've been waiting for.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up...I set down my coffee and listened....."180 students, lab class, my own T.A's"....it really would be fabulous. I told her I'd think about it and then I called my husband. He was jubilant...."I just KNEW something would come your way..of course you'll take it", he exclaimed.

That's what I'd thought too. What could possibly stand in my way of taking this job? Hmmmm...being...pregnant...giving birth just weeks after the semester ended? The stress of putting together a new class, learning new labs and teaching them AND managing TA's...and...being very pregnant.... It sounds pretty exhausting and as it is, if I'm not in bed every night by 9pm I'm worthless the next day.

Could I handle it for those 4 months? Yes....I think I can...I could start preparing for lectures and lab now...and the semester doesn't start until Jan 15. I worked with this last pregnancy right up until 2 days before I had the baby...providing I have a safe/healthy pregnancy, I should be fine...

But what about the Fall. The whole point of me accepting this teaching 'gig' for the Spring is that it would hopefully lead to a regular position at the U teaching this class...which would provide my children with free classes at MN universities when they are older, etc...and breaking in can be soooo hard to do. Can I go back to teaching a still new class when the baby is 3 1/2 months old? Can I handle getting 3 children off to school, 1 off to preschool, and the other off to a daycare setting on the mornings that I have to go in and teach? Can I be separated from the baby? Can I manage the stress?

I'm so full of self-doubt. I remember how stressed out I was teaching before...and 180 students...is a huge class. I've never taught a class larger than....29 I'd need Depends for Adults to get through the first few classes.

This morning, I had my first OB appt. I was measuring large for my dates, so she sent me in for an u/s to confirm. There was this little jumping bean on the screen. The ultrasound tech even needed an extra several minutes to measure the heart rate because the baby just kept jumping and twisting and moving...2 legs, 2 arms...a normal looking head and body....and then it turned towards me and put it's hand over it's face like it was playing peek-a-boo.

I was just amazed at how at 13 weeks/3 days this little clump of cells could have turned into this seemingly perfect little human being kicking and moving and bouncing about....

At that moment, I understood that I really do have some decisions that I'll need to make.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

December 8, 2005

Winter boredom is already setting in ...I'm thinking that this will be one LONG winter for me, since it's only early December and the worst is yet to come.

I should rename my online diary 'the rollercoaster ride' or something....it seems like one day I'm up...the next I'm down..

The job appears to not be materializing as I had anticipated and this has left me feeling surprisingly deflated. I already had imagined myself taking the job....teaching part-time again....and finding childcare for the baby in the Fall so that I could continue. In my warped and desperate need to have a career that doesn't involve only listening to Barney sing or pretending to clean my house or do laundry all day...I really started feeling good about this. I imagined that this could lead into a 'career' path....maybe not one that I had foreseen, but one that could be positive. It would provide my children with the ability to study for less money in MN and WI and would give me a professional and personal outlet...I started plotting out the next 5 years of my life. Rolling Eyes

The thing is...even though the professor teaching the class now called me and offered the job to me (and told me she had met with the dept. chair and dean and that they were prepared to hire me), I never actually heard from the dept. chair. [Frown] I called and left him one message immediately after the prof had called me, but I feel that my obligation ended at that point. I don't feel that I should be the one to chase him down. If he is interested in hiring me, then he will call ME.

Time has passed though and we're already into December....with the holidays coming, my extra 'prep' time is quickly dwindling and that has been making me nervous.

Today the prof who offered the job called me...instead of enthusiasm, she was short. "have you heard from the dept. chair"

I explained that I hadn't heard anything yet.

"Look, Kris, what are the chances that you will actually take the job if it is offered to you? I need to know"


I told her it depended on salary and what the departments needs are, and left it at that... I remained enthusiastic, but she interrupted me to let me know she had someone else who was interested.....

and it became clear to me that she was hoping that I would say that I didn't want the teaching job.....

I don't feel offended by the fact that SHE may not want me.

I am offended that the dept. chair didn't call me...I always worked hard and had good reviews. I feel put out that she called me about this job in the first place and then called me back to pretty much...let me know she had someone else in mind.

And so now, I'm back to pondering again what I'll do with my life.....how can I build a part-time career for myself that I can combine with family needs that will allow me to grow in my responsibiliites as my children become more independent?

kris

[PrincessFiona]

December 14

I heard from the Department Chair and they have officially offered me the position. Now here comes the kicker. I didn't accept it right away. Something is just....holding me back! Thomas and I have been back and forth on it now for several days. He says this may be my 'last chance' to get back 'in'....and I, suddenly don't think I really want the job. Rolling Eyes

Good GRIEF....yes, there is a huge part of me that wants to do it...and then I think back on how stressed I was last year and how I would possibly manage being pregnant, having 4 children AND coming up with new lectures labs and working with TAs and I know in my heart-of-hearts that the timing isn't right.

So now...I have what I want...and I don't want it.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

December 15, 2005

Last night, I was worrying about whether or not I should accept the job for the Spring Semester...today...I am worrying about whether or not this might be my last Christmas with my 4 beautiful children...whether I will lose this 5th baby...how fast life can throw us a curveball.

I was diagnosed with 'asthma' 4 months ago but it just didn't seem to get better with the inhaler. I started having pain in my chest the other night and heard a frightening popping sound. I had an x-ray yesterday...today...the frightening diagnosis of Lymphoma.

I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant...and tomorrow I go in for the MRI and visit to the oncologist...

To say that I'm terrified is an understatement. My physician called me this morning at home to tell me that there was something wrong...and my dh called me at home to tell me that we "need to find a babysitter for our 2 year old" because he says I won't be alive next year. In the 3 months since my completely normal chest x-ray, I now have a huge mass of lymph notes above my heart....my husband says that it appears to be highly aggressive and it was the largest that he had seen in a long time.

My internist called tonight and told me that I wasn't going to die...that lymphoma (if that is what it definitely is) is curable...and my ob/gyn actually came to the house ...comforting and terrifying at the same time .... I may have to terminate the pregnancy and lose this precious baby...I may lose the baby to chemotherapy anyway...but I can't stand the idea of not seeing my children grow up.

I am sad...I am afraid...and I feel so lonely tonight even though the phone has been ringing off the hook.

If I survive this, I will never look to have a career...I will never look to do anything other than stay at home for my family...if only I can have that chance.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

December 16, 2005

I had the mri this afternoon...not nearly as anxiety-provoking as I had feared. The oncologist met with us afterwards. The tumor is 7 cm x 10 cm and..it is wrapped around my superior vena cava? I have mild superior vena cava syndrome or something from the pressure of the tumor on the vena cava. The diagnosis is uncertain...lymphoma is now the best case scenario...the differential right now is malignant teratoma.

The doctor was more optimistic...about the cure rates and trying to save the baby.....but Thomas came home and got into his medical books/online and is back to being devastated and...planning how to manage without me.

I'm just exhausted.

I have to have a CT-guided needle biopsy Monday morning at 7.45am...and Tuesday afternoon we'll have the 'talk' with the oncologist. I will probably start chemo on Thursday. Thomas wants me to start on Wednesday, but...my 11 year old has his very first band concert Wednesday at noon and I just 'have' to be there.

The doctor said he'll do everything to limit the toxicity to the baby if possible so that we can give the baby a chance.

Everytime I walk into our room right now, or our closet...or the mudroom, I imagine my husband coming in alone...with me gone....and I am just beside myself with fear and grief. My 9 year old daughter is furious with me. She told me if I take the chemo that I am "killing one of my children"....I tried to explain to her the best that I could, but she won't hear me...all she hears right now is that I'm willing to give up on her 'baby sister'...she's convinced it's a girl.

My heart is just..ripped into shreds...how on earth could this happen.

Please pray that it is 'just' a lymphoma...that I have a chance...that the baby has a chance. Please pray for my 4 children...and for my husband to find some peace. He hasn't eaten since he saw the x-ray.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

December 18, 2005

It's nearly 3am and I can't sleep. This weekend has just been torture...waiting for the needle biopsy, waiting for a final diagnosis....I don't feel that I have the strenth to even go into the room on Tuesday and hear the 'verdict'.

My mom was coming on the 22nd but now she'll be here on the 20th...She was also able to get a 50% off medical emergency ticket for my brother, so he'll be here too.

My phone just keeps ringing off the hook and I can't answer it anymore. I feel like a robot repeating the story over and over again to family and friends.

I wish I could wake up and have this all have been a bad dream. I'm so afraid of the needle biopsy...they will be able to use a local anesthetic, but I can't be sedated. I was offered some Adavan, but it's category D...I just think that since I'm going to have chemo I have to limit the baby's exposure....at the same time, I feel so nervous that I'm afraid that I can't go through with it without something to take the edge off.

Living with a doctor during this time is difficult. Thomas just sees all of the 'worst case' scenarios. He can't help himself from telling me what 'might' happen....I just don't want to know....


Kris

[PrincessFiona]

December 19, 2005

"It's either an unusual presentation of something usual, or a usual presentation of something unusual" is how the conversation with my husband went this afternoon. Apparently, it really is unclear what the heck this is...which adds to the stress of the biopsy and ensuing oncology appointment. I hope it's an unusual presentation of something usual...and curable.

I've been up since 2am...and it's about 5am. I'm hoping that I'll be so tired that I'll just....not notice what's going on with the biopsy. I still don't understand why they don't routinely sedate people for procedures like this....a biopsy of the leg...I can understand not sedating someone...but the chest? Just the idea of this feels like torture to me. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I fear....

This all still seams so surreal.....I'm struggling to find any hope at all. My dh did 18 months of oncology before deciding on ID...and he used to tell me that "the young people die and the old people just get older and sicker"...now I can't get that out of my mind. I feel like the grim reeper is following me everywhere I go...and instead of imagining a future where I help counsel pateints facing this kind of a diagnosis, etc, I imagine my husband coming home alone....walking into our closet alone...moving on with life....I imagine how my children will respond to me not being here...

I don't know if this is a normal part of the grieving process for me or if it is a foreshadowing...and then I feel more frightened. They have a counseling group here for individuals going through this and I'm going to join.....

kris

[PrincessFiona]

December 23, 2005

The biopsy was unpleasant...though not completely miserable. They were able to numb up most of my chest..just between the ribs was a problem. I think the anticipation and stress was just overwhelming too...I cried during the last half of it..not because it was so awful...but because I just felt so awful.

The next afternoon, we saw the oncologist who had a tentative diagnosis of Large, Bulky B-Cell Lymphoma (mediastinal). Later mayo followed up with 'highly aggressive' and a bunch of other things that I don't understand.

I'm trying very hard not to google this or read too much...every time I do, I feel depressed.

I had to go in for a bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday (I think it was wednesday...actually, the days have all just blurred together). I was terrified...absolutely terrified. I took 2 percocets before I went and the doc used a massive dose of lidocaine...honestly...I felt almost nothing at all during the procedure. I was so relieved by the time it was nearly over that we were laughing and joking around. I practically lept from the bed I was so joyful when it was over. By the time I got home though, I was throwing up from the percocet.

Still, I hope to never go through it again..the anticipation is a killer. The bone marrow was clear.

Right now this has been given a Stage 1 diagnosis.
It is very large though and as a result I will need 6 cycles of CHOP-Rituxan followed by radiation.

In the meantime, the docs have met with perinatoligists from Mayo...the baby will probably do ok. The big concern is placental viability and fetal growth...so I'll be having weekly ultrasounds and be seeing my ob every 2 weeks.

I started taking prednisone on Thursday, but I feel no improvement (instant gratification gal that I am). I can't climb stairs, carry around my 2 year old, or bend over to pick something up without becoming short of breath or having difficulty catching my breath. It is terrifying...It is horrible to know that there is something there growing that I can't just remove or have removed. Sometimes I start to feel panicked and claustraphobic...like I need to run away from myself....

I can't sleep well at night because I'm afraid of something awful happening....I have to sleep sitting up on a pile of pillows because otherwise I just can't catch my breath...and it seems to have worsened this week. I don't know if it's because I've been diagnosed and I'm super-aware or if I'm really experiencing this.

I was supposed to being the rest of the chemo regimen on Monday, but that's been changed to Tuesday...and I just feel like I can't wait. I so desperately want to feel better...I so desperately want to be rid of this awful thing.

My husband goes from being hopeful (the doc told him I had an excellent chance of cure) to being devastated when he gets online and reads all kinds of articles etc. Tonight he came home from work depressed and sat alone in his office....and it made me feel more depressed.

I think the prednisone is making me feel depressed too. Only 2 days and I'm all puffy and I've gained 2 pounds...I'm taking 100mg a day, so that's a lot I guess.

I just feel exhausted and instead of feeling this joy over Christmas I feel....deflated.

None of my friends really call me anymore to just 'shoot the breeze'....I guess people don't know what to say, but I feel like not only has my life changed because of this horrible diagnosis and fear of not seeing my children grow up...now my friends don't know what to say to me.

Instead of feeling grateful for the community support I've received here through the schools, I'm feeling irritable....because I'm not good at accepting help. I am embarassed and don't feel worthy of all of the help that we have received...babysitting, food, etc....It is so great that everyone has pulled together for us and yet I feel embarassed and like I don't know how to pay people back. ...though I'm sure they are expecting nothing.

I feel like I have to be positive for my mom and brother (who have flown in from TX) and also for the kids....my daughter has been so depressed that I have really really worked at being positive for her. We even had an ultrasound today and she and I went and saw the baby....

I used to worry so much about the baby surviving...but now I have begun to realize that the baby may have a better long-term survival than...I will...and it's terrifying. I am terrified of dying...and I'm depressed at the idea that my children will grow up without me.

I don't know who to talk to....I talk to my husband but it just depresses him more....I know I need to get into some kind of counseling or something...right now, I'm just struggling to make it through a day...or up the stairs...counseling seems like way too much effort.

Christmas eve is tonight...I'm planning on being positive and hopeful....I know that it's important. I'm sure that I'll feel better after I've had the first round of chemo. Isn't that funny? I'm just so desperate to take ACTION....

kris