Life In The Real World

[PrincessFiona]

July 21, 2006

I've officially been lazy all week. Andrew, Amanda and Alex have been at camp and instead of tackling my huge to-do list, I've slept in with Aidan and Zoe and ...painted the bathroom (a late, impulsive addition to my to-do list meanie) I can't seem to motivate myself to do the cleaning and organizing that I had planned on, but I think the relaxation and extra sleep has also done me some good.

Of course, their trip away has not been without it's own little breed of drama. At first, Alex wanted to come home because he was afraid of monsters and zombies hiding underneat his bed...this problem was quickly solved because apparently all 4 boys in the room decided that the mattresses were much more comfortable when placed on the floor altogether in the middle of the room Laughing So now my two boys are huddled up with two other brothers....crack me up! I haven't even been able to get Alex to stay on the phone with me for more than a few second since he got over his zombie scare.

Amanda's roomates are all 13 year old girls...This of course resulted in her deciding that SHE was 13. Apparently, it evolved into her swearing Shocked being mean and generally acting like a brat. Andrew called me almost hourly at one point to update me Rolling Eyes Somehow even with them at camp I still had to listen to them fight!!!! Things finally turned around for Amanda after the 13 year old girls turned on her. She called me begging me to step in and get her a different room, etc. and I just pretty much told her that she made her bed and now she has to lie in it. It wasn't even hard for me to do because I was so angry about her bad behavior. Apparently though, my breed of tough love worked because....her behavior flipped around 180 degrees...now she is being nice. (At least that is according to Andrew's daily updates Laughing )

Then came Andrew. Wednesday night he called me at 11pm crying so hard that I couldnt' understand him. He begged me to pick him, told me that he was terribly depressed, that the kids were making fun of him that he was miserable and if I didn't pick him up, he was running away. I tried to talk to him for a half an hour, but I could barely understand him through the sobs and his attempts to get control. I honestly thought I would have to go and pick him up.....and then it started spilling out of him...the chemo, the cancer, thinking the baby wouldn't make it....the stress of the neighbors....

A camp counselor was hovering nearby and I was able to get him to give the phone to her. She sat down and talked with him for an hour and listened while he talked about this horrible year...and now...he's happy again.

I've decided to get counseling for the kids though and am in the process of looking for someone good. I can see now that our experience has had a huge affect on them and maybe I'm not the best person to try and *help*. I can listen, hug and cry with them...but maybe they need someone more skilled to walk them through this journey?

Our neighbor situation has been an ebb and flow kind of a thing...We ended up having to contact the police after they swore at our children and babysitter in our absence (and then pulled out their digital camera and were taking pictures of them, etc). The behavior was totally threatening and out of control...then the neighbors lied and said that I had made it all up because I wanted to hurt them personally. The police went to our sitter and after her report came back to our neighbors to pretty much tell them "the gig is up". The result? They hid in their house for several days...

I found out that they have basically gone houseto-house with different rumors....but the response was not what they had hoped for. People have turned their backs on them and we have ended up finding a great deal of support. Our neighbors have had so many issues in the past with 'crazy neighbor' that they are mostly rallying behind us....I have had several neighbors approach me and express their outrage and that has helped me immensely! Also, my crazy neighbor won't be sending her kids to school next year in this town...due in part to some run-ins that she had with the school counselor in regards to her children....so...that is all good news for us too.

I feel sorry for her in a way (slap me...I know I'm a weenie!). I really think she is manic-depressive or something in a realllllly bad way. After some talks with a friend (thanks Nellie!) I realize that if she was being medicated she probably stopped during her last pregancy. Since delivering her baby this outrageousness has started...and she's trying to get pregnant again (God help that little baby!!!) so I bet she's not on anything now either. It *almost* makes me feel sympathy...but she has been so awful to us that I'll never be able to forgive her.

That's my update for awhile. I pick the kids up tonight for the pigroast/farewell and then I'll be offline again much more.

Finally, I wanted to add a picture of the remission gift that I bought for myself. Here is the little baby garden angel that I put in my front garden. It is in honor of the little boy who passed away this year while Zoe was in the NICU. It is made of stone and the shading/color differences are due to the variations in the stone itself.



Kris

[PrincessFiona]

August 6, 2006

Doctors can be such tools. meanie I think I have had enough medical *help* from them now to make that statement!

This has been my crazy week! I continued having issues with shortness of breath that got worse (the rad onc said it could, right?!) Then I began having pleural pain and was sweating everytime I walked anywhere. When I was struggling to walk from Target around the corner to B. Dalton in the mall, I knew there was something wrong.

So...I went ahead and put in a call to the rad onc and he decided to have me come in for a visit. There, he promptly let me know that he "sees this kind of thing all of the time after treatment"...you know...people and their anxiety. Rolling Eyes I am not disregarding anxiety as an actual thing that happens after treatement...I do have some...but...this was more and I felt it quite strongly. He actually told me that he had "laid in bed" the night before trying to think about what could be wrong with me and that there was just "no medical explanation".....tool!

After a nice little condescending conversation he decided to do a CT to "rule out the medical" and told me ithe CT would come back clear and that I would see that after more of these clear CTs my symptoms would go away.

Oh, Thank you, medical Gawd. Rolling Eyes

Of course it wasnt clear...I had ground glass-like lesions throughout my right lung and one lesion that my regular oncologist (whom I like) called "peculiar"....and...off and running we were all over again. Rolling Eyes Thomas got so sick to his stomach and upset that he couldnt work and had to come home several hours early. The radiologist of course couldnt rule out relapse and so Thomas and I were fairly hysterical.

Then the rad onc called to tell us that he had seen the same lesions on my planning CT so there was nothing to worry about....and we calmed down...then the next day, the radiologist combed through the planning CT and announced that they were not there at planning....so they are new.


Diagnosis? Histoplasmosis (fungal infection in the lungs...nice...)....We will do serology Monday and hope for antibodies and then fluconizole for 6 months...with a follow-up CT in 6 weeks. If there are no antibodies and the nodes grow we have to...biopsy. Hopefully that will not be necessary. I was told that they are 99.99% sure it is not lymphoma recurrence. All lesions but 1 are in the field of radiation and it would be an "impossibility".

The rad onc called back Thomas and sort-of apologized: "I really, really thought it was anxiety. I see that all of the time". Thomas responded "yah, well that really bit you in the ass, didnt it" meanie Sometimes I am just reminded of why I love Thomas so much meanie

Quite frankly, I have found the stress to be unbearable and I really am just no longer "in control" anymore when it comes to the kids. I hate that I have no patience or understanding anymore...I have screamed, called names Shocked , sworn...you name it...I feel like my crazy neighbor....really. I just dont know how to handle all of this fear and worry and stress anymore and then Andrew and Amanda add these pre-teen antics to the mix and Alex is running in and out of the house schlepping toads and dirt....I find myself constantly exploding and I dont know how to just relax and reign it all in. I am do disappointed in myself. This has turned out to be a terrible summer and I feel very strongly that it is mostly due to me and my inability to be....me. I have become a bad mother....and I dont know how to change it because the anxiety and stress levels are so high.

Dont laugh, but I am even considering homeschooling the kids just to have more time with them. I feel like such a failure this summer and I just desperately, desperately want to reconnect. I have no doubt though tha thomeschooling likely would not provide that connection for us. What am I going to do though? I hate that the schoolyear heaps on its own damned stress. I cant do more stress. I am quite honestly at my breaking point.

A huge part of the problem is indeed also crazy neighbor. Our babysitter called the police last time she was here again after said crazy neighbor stood on her porch smoking and screaming at my kids that I dont love them, dont care about them and she cant understand why a babysitter would even want to be around them. She then threatened my sitter and was screaming and swearing when the kids were on the street that they were stalking her and on her property....She then told the police that my daugther had beat up her daughter Rolling Eyes, that our sitter was smoking and swearing and they we were trespassing. For the love of Gawd almighty. bolt The only *good* thing to come out of this is that the neighbor who lives next to her on the other side approached me and asked if I was doing ok what with "crazy neighbor" and all. She basically told me she had seen all kinds of things and was so sorry for us. We had some other people over for a little mini-dinner party. They are colleagues of dh and also live in the neighborhood. They have been friends with crazy neighbors for 2 years and I was worried. Instead, they told us that they thought she is actively psychotic and have serious concerns and "we almost bought your house...we are so glad that we didnt."

Hey...it doesnt get quiet around here. What is up with that? I want to be bored...bored, bored, bored! I am ready to pack my bags and move into the country where I can be surrounded by deer and toads and friendly little field mice or something. meanie

I have also been busy getting the kids ready to go to TX...which has provided me with some entertaining emotional upheaveal....I was terrifeid of them flying and being so far away...but they left this am at 6.18 and apparently had a great flight. The ups and downs of trying to navigate a custody arrangement with my divorced parents nearly sent me to the psych ward this week. My dad didnt want to share once we agreed to let them come and he insisted that the only way that my mom would be allowed to see them was if I extended the kids trip...and on and on and on.....I nearly had a stroke over it all. Confused Then...he changed his mind, called my mom and gave her 2 days....and it was done. Rolling Eyes Embarassed

This week I hope to get the house clean, paint the laundry room and I might try Scarsdale for 1 week since I wont have to cook for anyone really except Thomas...and he can fend for himself meanie My weight loss is so frightfully slow that I am considering doing something to jumpstart it. It doesnt seem fair that I have cut my consumption down so dramatically and have seen such minimal results. Sure, I am losing about 2 pounds a week...but I am eating almost NOTHING.... Half the time I skip breakfast, I have a chicken salad for lunch and meat with veggie for dinner with no snacking. How can it be? Maybe I am just impatient though. I am an instant-gratification gal when it comes to dieting.

Anyway....I am really looking forward to a week of getting things done here and playing with Aidan and Zoe without having to chase after my pre-teens and my Toad-catcher.

Did I mention that Alex took a Toad with us in a teeny box to Kellys house? I dont know how the poor thing even survived the trip. I sent him to let it go at the park near her house and he said he had. At nearly midnight, Amanda came into my room and yelled "there is a toad in my bed". Sure enough...a toad! Sean had to watch me run out beside the house and let it go......

Ahhh...the Math family adventures. Mr. Green

kris

[PrincessFiona]

September 12, 2006

I'll try to stay away from the rum/coke when I blog and hopefully I'll not end up deleting my blogs accidentally again. I've gotten most of my old blog back now...

But on to ....the present:



We had a really wonderful last month of the summer! The kids and I started going on little mini-field trips to break up the monotony of the day-to-day stuff and visited parks, a zoo and a couple of different MN beaches. It was so much fun to just get us back out and doing things!

For the two weeks before school started, we had friends of ours visiting from the UK with their 2 children. That made 4 adults and 7 kids!!! We went to a jellystone park for a week and all stayed in a cabin and had the most wonderful national lampoons family vacation! Highlights included being put up at a cabin on a construction zone and having to be moved, me burning my hand in the fire making s'mores, wrecking the driver's side door of my van, Thomas losing a couple of teeth and needing a dental implant :yikes: , the antics of our kids...you name it...if it could go wrong, it did...but it was so much fun!

Before they left for home, they were already online planning their next trip over here. We're hoping to do it again next year (without some of the excitement though!)!

The kids started school last week and I was both sad to see them go and relieved to start getting back into a schedule. Andrew (11 1/2) has had to get used to changing classes now in 6th grade, but seems to finally be relaxing a little. He tried out for the play and got a part and so he's just pretty much hit the ground running as he has school until 3.30 and then play practice unti 5.30...then it's boy scouts, etc....

Amanda (10) is having the best school year start that she's ever had. She has Andrew's teacher from last year (who I contend is the best teacher I've ever met ... no kidding!) I was anxious about her starting middle school, but she is so relaxed now and is trying so hard. Every day after school now she does her homework immediately and has me sign everything. She lays her clothes out for school at night and has her bag/gym clothes etc all at the door. Her teacher called us to tell us how organized she was and dh couldn't help but say "are you sure you dialed the right number...this is Amanda's dad" :laughing: . Things have really improved between Amanda and I. We have so many good talks now and I find that our relationship is so much more relaxed than it was last year. We've done a lot of talking about the effect of my illness on our family and on our relationship and I am now able to look back and see that a lot of her behavioral issues were simply how she was coping with the stress.

Alex is off to a good start as well, though he'd much rather sleep in than go to school. I can't blame him...I'd much rather sleep in too! Second grade doesn't have the same fanfare about it that middle school does, so I'm working on some ways to make Alex's days more *fun*.

I've decided to bite the bullet and do a trial run of the german preschool for Aidan that is 1.5 hours away. I'm done with the complaining so I'm just going to head on out and see if I can manage it. I think it's great that they'll give us a trial run to see how things go before making me commit to it.

Zoe is growing and seems to always be smiling. Here is my new favorite picture of her (with Alex). She looks big in the picture, but in real life she is actually small. Most people are very surprised when I tell them she is nearly 5 months old...she looks to be about 2 months old and is still wearing size 0-3 months (and some of her newborn clothes).
I can't believe how much she is growing/changing. She is really developing a little personality of her own. Most of the time, she is very content/happy...but if she gets upset for just a second, she screams hysterically.

I'm doing pretty good....I'm not sure when my next scan is simply because we haven't scheduled it yet and aren't sure when they wanted us to do it...so dh is going to call and ask. At this point, I have decided to just not worry about it anymore. There is nothing that I can do to change things. It would be highly unlikely if I had some kind of malignancy and if I do...then I'll deal with it at that time.

My symptoms are no better...but not really worse than they were a couple of weeks ago. I did experience a weight loss while on vacation that kind of freaked us out a little. I had been dieting and doing well and then hit a plateu....I ended up giving up and gained several pounds back before my weight stabilized at about a 10 or 11 pound loss. I got so frustrated that I gave up and just really ate like a...hooniac for the last month....when I stepped on the scale, I had actually dropped 6 pounds. I hit a new low. Apparently, the burger king, mcdonalds, snickers, coca cola diet worked for me on vacation. At first, I really was worried about the weight loss, but then I decided to embrace it and *try* to keep losing weight. The result? Gained a pound. :laughing: I've been walking 2 hours a day for the last 5 days.

See...dieting doesn't work. When I eat like a pig...and I really, really enjoyed my vacation with food and wine...I lose weight. When I try to lose weight, I gain weight. Go...figure...!

I had planned on taking a night class this semester in general chemistry but ended up not enrolling when I realized that it conflicted with my daughter's extracurricular activities schedule. I'll be back in school next Fall at the lastest. I'm going to retake my old science classes and maybe some psych classes and just see where it takes me.

I'm done agonizing over how to balance motherhood/career or feeling guilty. I'm not sure where my path will lead me, but I'm just going to jump on board and start heading in a new direction.

Life is good.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Crack me up.....I decided to really take advantage of the weight loss zone that I was in and again made some attempts to lose weight....I mentioned before that I have been walking for a couple of hours/day for about 5 days and have really been watching my food consumption. The result? A 3 pound weight GAIN as of this morning! Of COURSE! Well, at least I can feel comforted by the knowledge that my weight loss wasn't a result of a pathalogical process going on.

I'm doing pretty well and feel very optimistic/upbeat lately. My oncologist has assured us that there is less than a 1% chance that the lesions are malignant and so I feel like I can really just start moving forward with my life. It is a weird feeling.

I've made a lot of changes though over the last couple of weeks that have really helped me. The biggest change that I made was establishing a solid routine. (novel idea, eh?)

I have really structured my day so that I feel like I'm getting things done, enjoying my children and taking time for myself without guilt. It's working so far.

Basically, I get up a few minutes before the kids to put on my coffee....then I get my older three up and out the door and enjoy another cup of coffee before Aidan and Zoe usually get up. I give myself some internet time while Aidan has breakfast and Zoe plays with her little jungle gym and then we all go for a long walk. I only walk 2.2 miles but sadly, it takes me almost 2 hours! Of course, I am pushing the buggy and am stopping to talk with Aidan or look at the tractors, etc....but I walk pretty slowly right now too.

Then it's home for lumch.

After lunch, I clean up, we play outside in the back (if there is time) and then the kids start slowly trickling in from school. There is never a dull moment from that point on.

Yesterday, Amanda rode her bike to school. Well, let me rephrase that. Amanda took Andrew's bike to school. When he discovered it, he was outraged. So...he skipped out on taking the bus and followed her on foot. When she stopped at the little market near our house for a snack, he grabbed his bike and took off.

Poor Amanda came outside and was terrified that the bike had been stolen. She had to be picked up/driven home!

Obviously, I was mad at Andrew beause it was totally unacceptable, but...ok...at the same time, it was kind of funny! My kids crack me up! I will have to journal about this in the photo album from this year so that he can laugh about it after he is no longer grounded. :>
Never a dull moment! :laughing:

In addition to structuring my day better, I'm trying really hard to get more organized. Instead of counting on my memory I am writing things down in my own planner and on a family calendar. Also, I've restructured our evenings so that we all do homework together at the kitchen at 7pm instead of a sporadic thing. Whomever doesn't have homework has to sit/read or help the others.

I'm also adding time for me...I've signed up for a couple more scrapbooking nights, dug out my sewing machine and am working on finishing the quilt that I started for Zoe when I first began chemo, etc. I'm almost done....

I am really liking the new normal right now.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

A quick post before bed....

Around here there has been much agonizing about Andrew continuing with band. He played the sax last year and considering he never practiced did pretty well. This year, he decided he didn't want to play anymore. The reason? The instrument was too heavy to carry and the 8th graders made fun of the younger kids. Did he like the instrument? yes. Did he like playing in the band? yes He was adamant though and Thomas (not wanting to pony up a minimum of $500 to pay for a used sax using part of the lease to buy rental money) was quick to back Andrew up.

I decided that he wasn't quitting. Everyone told me to just let him decide and quit and to not push him. I finally came out with it. "If the worst thing that happens to Andrew as an adolescent is that I forced him to continue with band for 1 year then I'll be happy". I felt very strongly about it. Andrew needs the extra help making social contacts. I didn't want him to make a mistake that he would regret....(If Andrew had said he didn't enjoy band, didn't like the sax or wasn't interested in learning to play I might have come to a different conclusion.)

Thomas and I went to the music shop today. They only let us apply 70% of our rental fees and the cheapest saxaphone that they brought out was almost $1500. After our rental fees, and a 20% discount we would have paid about $1000. That, of course, was totallly out of the question.

The new me stepped in. "I was told that you also had cheaper saxaphones" (lie). The store manager informed me that they didn't. DH and I stood there for a second and so I turned to dh and said "let's just get the one from Ebay for $400 then". Thomas looked a bit baffled, but played along. I turned to the manager and basically let him know that the prices were ridiculous for used instruments not in pristeen condition and that we could just get the instrument from ebay.

He watched me pick up Zoe's car seat and then said "wait. I might have another one in the back"

Oh YAH!

Cost? $475

So....Andrew got his saxaphone today. I was afraid he'd roll his eyes and act put-out that I was indeed forcing him to take band. Instead, he grabbed the case. "It's really mine? I can't believe it....my very...own...saxaphone. Oh, MOM, thanks". He opened the case and played and played and played (scaring Zoe half to death and sending the cats running for cover!). He was so genuinely happy.

"Thank you for not letting me quit, Mom...thank you"



We'll see how he feels in a couple of weeks when he has to be practicing! Is it a bad thing though that I was happy to be "right" and have dh be "wrong" in this instance :>


Funny side story? I picked up Thomas at lunchtime today in order to go to the music shop. Aidan hasn't driven with us to the hospital since Zoe was in the NICU. I have pictures of him sleeping in his stroller in the NICU! Today, as we pulled up to the hospital door he put his hand on Zoe's car seat and said "Mommy, are we taking Zoe back?" He thought we were going to return her! "Do you want me to?", I asked.

An emphatic "NO" answered my question.....

[PrincessFiona]

Our Schwan's man officially moved on this week. He's been *with our family* for three years, even following us last year to the new house when we moved here. It's funny that I should even bring this up in my blog, I know....but last week he told Thomas that he had gotten a promotion and would stop by one last time to get a final order from us. He stopped by and said "this is my last visit, I've been promoted" and he told me about the promotion with Schwan's and what he will be doing. We even hugged each other when he left.

I nearly burst into tears.

Seriously, who gets worked up about things like this? I guess he has just been a stable fixture in our lives for the last 3 years. No matter what else was going on, every 2 weeks, Jay showed up...and every 2 weeks I promised him that "next time" I would be more organized and would know in advance what I wanted. That, btw, never happened.

I guess I'm just still a little on the overlyemotional side!



Friday was absolutely crazy around here. I had someone over in the morning to visit and both Aidan and Zoe were sick...so Aidan finally settled down and slept. After my guest left, Aidan woke up and cried for nearly an hour. I had a headache and was feeling yucky too. I was trying to pack for Andrew to go to boyscout camp as well, but Aidan wouldn't let me leave his side.

Alex came home and sat with Aidan while I packed...then we drove to pick Amanda up from the middle school and went on to the store to get the remaining supplies that Andrew needed. I knew that I had to pick Andrew up from play practice at 5:15 and had to hurry.

I got done early enough to swing by the house and pick up Andrew's sleeping bag, etc and the minute I walked into the house, Andrew appeared from the living room and yelled "where have you been?" I was so startled that I screamed.

It turns out, he had skipped play practice and taken the bus home and hadn't know where I was. He had called Thomas, who had called my cell phone that was, quite usefully, sitting on the kitchen counter!

We gathered up all of Andrew's things and got ready to leave...and I explained to Andrew that I hadn't had time to write him a note for each day that he is gone like I usually do. I also kind of assumed that since he is almost 12 he has probably outgrown the need and might have even been embarassed by it in the past year.

His response? "What? What do you mean you didn't write me any notes? Well, do it quickly then!"



He plopped himself down on the sofa while I got paper/pencil and then walked by to make sure I was writing to him.

He's still my little boy sometimes.


Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Time to catch up....First off, pictures of my *new* van. Well, it's not really new, but...it has an entire new floor. I don't know why auto makers insist on making mini-vans with carpeting on the floor. Who drives mini-vans? That's right...mostly moms who are busy carting around kids. Kids are messy. In MN that means that all winter long, my children drag in ice, snow, mud, dirt, sand (on the streets to control ice), salt (to control ice)...etc. In the summer, they bring in sand from the beaches and spill drinks and food if they eat in the van while we're traveling. And yes, I admit it, I do let my kids have the occasional meal in our van when I'm busy....and every single time I have regretted it!

In the past, I've tried all kinds of remedies, including buying boxes of vinyl tiles and gluing them down over the carpet. The problem? The seams on these tiles are lousy and so they lift up and any spills also still leak through.

When Darrin and Fionnuala were here, Darrin took one look at my sad little floor (this was my 3rd attempt at a vinyl floor and it was...bad) and announced that he could easily fix it. He's a car expert who worked as a VW expert for years... He went out to Menards with dh and they bought a piece of vinyl flooring for $30...some of the special adhesive and some tools and off we went....He removed nuts and bolts and bars and...all kinds of parts to get the back seats out and I just hoped that he really did know how to put it all back together.

It took us 4 hours + to scrape the old carpeting up because it was glued completely to the wooden floor. We got it off, cleaned up the wooden paneled floor and then adhered the new floor in under an hour....then we put it all back together.

Here it is:

Thomas and Darrin working on scraping up the carpet. This was the max of Thomas' contribution. He ended up bring Darrin and I diet cokes while we finished it.



Finally, the carpet is gone:



TaDa:



It is one solid piece...it goes under the back seats and through to the back of the van:



Final Pic:

[PrincessFiona]

My headache has continued to plague me this week. It's now localized itself to the right side of my head/neck and shoulder and my right shoulder is swollen. When dh realized how swollen I was he panicked last night. He started going through all of the lymph nodes that he could feel (none of them swollen) and I admit it....I got panicked too. I remembered how painful my shoulder was last Thanksgiving before my diagnosis and how nothing seemed to help. We stood in the kitchen together in an akward moment of silence until I realized that Zoe's car seat is hard to carry...I carry it with my right arm...and she IS getting heavier. Sighs of relief...sort of...This morning dh came downstairs and immediately went to my shoulder to see if it was still swollen. I woke up again at 3am and had to take some ibuprofen and get ice packs. The shoulder is still swollen, but the muscles are all very hard. I really think it is muscular and has to do with the car seat carrying. I'm going to start carrying on the left side and see if this makes a difference! It's hard to feel so out-of-control in regards to one's body. My experience with NHL has made me realize that bad things do happen that we have no way to control and I'm a bit more paranoid now!

For the most part, things have been quiet. The neighbor situation sometimes makes me feel like I'm losing it....even though in all honesty, it shouldn't even approach my radar anymore. I feel sad and disappointed that our "dream house" has turned out to cause us so much stress because of our neighbor...but dh surprised me the other day by telling me that he has considered moving because of it as well. We've decided to try and limit contact again, but to do it more....gracefully than in the past. I'm getting Alex signed up for a bunch of after-school activities that start Monday....Andrew is already busy and it isn't an issue. Actually, Andrew is sooo busy that I don't know how he's managed this far...he's thriving on it though! I'm also signing Amanda up for several things (which I know she'll hate, but will just have to deal with!). In addition, I scheduled a playdate with Alex's friend from our old neighborhood today. I've decided to try and bring in people from the outside and then I can legitimately say "Alex can't play today because..." without it seeming that we are snubbing the neighbors in any way.

Also, we've decided to do more landscaping next year. Our backyard is fenced in, but the fence is the only barrier between us and the neighbors. Next year, we're going to have the sprinklers moved out a little and create an oasis of large bushes/trees/flowers etc to creat an additional natural barrier. It'll be beautiful...and functional :>

I love my house...I love the pond...I don't want to leave and so we're going to work hard to make it liveable here.

I have realized in recent weeks that we have become more a part of this community than I had thought. On the middle school parents night, I ran into more people that I knew than I didn't know. Since school has started, I've had more people "pop in" for a visit than I have since...well...since we lived in Penssylvania more than 7 years ago. I realize more and more that I do have friends...

This last year was difficult because people whom I had considered friends pretty much disappeared when I was diagnosed. I had that "now I know who my friends really are" epiphany.

That has also now been resolved. The friend whom I felt most hurt by stopped over yesterday. She was also pregnant (with her first) when I was pg with Zoe. She was a month behind me. Her baby is ~3 months old (and bigger than Zoe) and has colic. She had a traumatic delivery, hemmorhaged days after having her daughter and ended up back in the hospital and has been struggling with post-partum depression. She called a couple of days ago out of the blue sounding horrible and so I invited her over. I felt uncomfortable because we hadn't talked in so long...but things pretty much flowed like they did before this whole mess.

After we had talked for about an hour, she was standing in my kitchen warming a bottle for Zoe for me. She turned around and out of the blue said "Kris, can we be friends again. I really need our friendship". It really took me by surprise. I told her that we are friends and she said "No. No, we're not. I let you down. I wasn't there for you when you needed me and I feel so awful about it."

I opened my mouth to tell her it was ok and instead I burst into sobs.
I really didn't know how much it still bothered me...She sat on the sofa then and bawled....I told her it was ok and that I had been hurt but that I was past it....that I knew that she had a lot going on in her life...that I wanted people's support but that I had also been embarassed by it and had avoided it to some degree.

It felt good to have it out there and resolved.

We're going to meet at the mall on Monday so that she can get out of her house...

Funny story to end with:

Andrew's saxophone joy quickly turned to frustration, agitation and eventually outright rage! He kept telling his band instructor and me that the sax was broken. I got so angry with him on Tuesday morning (because he tried to refuse to take the sax to school) that I yelled at him that the only thing wrong with his sax is that he was lazy and not practicing. I was so mad, and he nearly cried. After school I asked him how band was. "Well, at least I have the fingering right...but it's broken, mom...I didn't blow on it because it just squeeks!"

I had him take it out of the case and decided to prove him wrong by playing it myself.

"hmmm, Andrew, it IS hard to play"

I was shocked.

I took the neck off of the instrument and looked inside. It was blocked by something black.

"Andrew, does this belong in here?"

"No"

I took a butter knife and pushed down.

Out of the sax flew the black cap to his mouthpiece We put the neck and mouthpiece back on the sax and it sounded wonderful.

He then played for an entire hour. :lol

I called his band teacher the next day to update her and we both laughed that neither one of us had actually considered inspecting the sax to see if the instrument really was the problem.

Andrew said "Well, mom, you better suck it up and apologize to me"

[PrincessFiona]

My buzzword for tonight is anxiety.....

I've had my headache now with right-sided shoulder, chest and neck pain for 10 days. We noticed that my shoulder was swollen this weekend. I finally called my internist yesterday when I woke up with edema above my clavical and shoulder. Basically, my internist's office decided that I needed to follow up with oncology and my oncologist moved my CT scan from Oct. 11th to tomorrow.

Is there a real concern of relapse? I don't know. It would be an odd presentation. DH says that they have discussed the option of disseminated histoplasmosis...I had those lung lesions several weeks ago that may be the culprit. We never treated because my serology was negative.

My anxiety is so high today that I've been flushed and a bit "off".....

I can't help but worry about relapse and quite frankly, the idea of disseminated histo doesn't really thrill me either.

I'm hoping that we're working off of the premise here that "if you have a hammer, everything is a nail"...and...this is a benign muscular issue or something. It seems like because I did have lymphoma people are taking it more seriously than they would if I didn't have that history....maybe it still is nothing?

I really dislike feeling so anxious, but there isn't anything I can do right now. Tomorrow at 1pm I'll have the CT and I'm sure dh will then run to the hospital and have a look. He's already given me immediate worst-case scenarios...lung biopsy, LP, blah, blah, blah.

I think I'll just stick my head in the sand for now and avoid all of this....

I might need to run to the store and get some more rum and diet coke! :> Anyone want to come have a drink with me



kris

[PrincessFiona]

My appointment this morning went really well....I'm so grateful that my oncologist is so calm and upfront. His feeling is that what is being seen on the CT is some pretty decent scarring and damage to my lung...he is not concerned about malignancy. I'll need to follow-up with my internist to start doing lipid panels, etc. The large vessels that were radiated can regenerate, but I guess the little buggers can't...and since we're seeing so much damage to the lungs we'll need to get proactive. But that's all good news!!!

It is really underwhelming though that so many radiologists and doctors can give so many different opinions about the same thing. I'm still a little bothered by the fact that dh was told so many diff. things yesterday by the radiologists. Seriously, I'm not a radiologist, but I could have babbled off that list of differentials...

I also have a hard time with the fact that dh gets so worked up about this stuff. He loses all common sense and is completely unable to separate his emotions from his judgement. I guess this is why he refuses to treat me for any piddly little thing and always has...but...come ON! When it was all said and done, he walked out of the office and said that he had promised God that if all was ok he would donate $500 immediately to a needy charity or the Lymphoma society or something.

You could have knocked me over with a feather! This is the same man that I have to force to church on Christmas

Regarding head/neck/shoulder pain...he doesn't want to rush into an MRI etc. Swelling? check Edema? check pain? check...but he isn't convinced that it is related to the inflammation or scar damage or that it is some sort of malignancy so I'm to keep tabs on it and come back if it doesn't go away or gets worse in the next 2 weeks.

The thing is...after c-sections I don't even end up taking the tylenol 3 etc....I'm up and about and by the time I get home post-section (about day 3) I don't even need tylenol or ibuprofen, etc. Rigth now, I'm maxing out on ibuprofen/aleve and it is doing little to help. I've had my max dose today and feel miserable.

I can live with this though...in my eyes, it is all good news....as long as we aren't looking at a malignancy right now, I'm happy.

And I guess the positive in all of this is that I was again given a good reminder to slow down and enjoy life day-to-day and to "not sweat the small stuff". It's so easy to get complacent and feel angry or upset about things that just aren't worth it. I feel like this has helped put me back on track.....

I'm so relieved and happy.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

It's so funny, but the radiation oncologist called Thomas yesterday just to tell him that the scarring and damage is "not" radiation damage. In his opinion, it isn't "linear" enough. It has to be "something else".



I don't know why he has such a personal investment in this not being from the radiation. This is the same guy that told me when I went in originally that it was all in my head...then claimed that the symptoms that I had couldn't be from the radiation because I "didn't get enough to cause damage" etc. I was told Friday that those symptoms could have indeed been caused by inflammation and the ongoing scarring process after all. My chest pain and difficulty exercising might not go away....

This doc just refuses to submit to that and I don't get it.

Basically, he told Thomas

"This is not radiation damage"

"What is it then?"

"I don't know, but it isn't linear and radiation damage is linear"

"The area seen is exactly the area where she had radiation"

"It isn't from the radiation"

"What other kind of injury/insult would cause this amount of damage/inflammation to the lung?"

"I don't know...just not radiation"

ummm, ok. What other damage was I exposed to in just that lobe/just that area where I was radiated over the last few months?

I've decided this guy is just an idiot.

Medicine is such a crap shoot, too...and it is so surprising to me. Yes, diagnosis is often done by a process of exclusion...I get that....but it is still surprising to me that one picture could result in so many different conclusions and opinions. I also understand that radiologists are under pressure to not miss something and so they tend to possibly....over-do it on the differentials. But with this last CT, I sort of felt like I could have come up with that huge list of differentials myself .... There isn't anything too difficult about saying what something "could be"... Hey, I can get on google and come up with conclusions like that. It would seem to me that the purpose of having someone who is trained to look at those would be to narrow down the scope. Maybe I'm missing something?!

It could just be that people just don't want to miss something because I'm a colleague's wife. The problem though is that they're kind of over-doing it and creating a lot of frenzy and anxiety that doesn't need to be there. There are advantages to having your spouse be a part of the hospital where you're being treated...and then there are...distinct disadvantages!

Enough of the complaining.

I got a wonderful compliment this last week and I'm really feeling good about it. A friend of mine here is struggling with post-partum depression and new mommy anxiety. We've been getting together almost daily to walk together because she's so out-of-sorts. She told me that I am "good for her" because I'm so relaxed about everything. She said that she realizes that all of the struggles she's having as a new mom will be ok when she sees how relaxed I am with my children. The way that she said it really made me feel good about myself.

(Of course, she hasn't seen the 'crazy shrew mommy' that I can be sometimes :> )

She was asking me for advice about breastfeeding/sleeping etc. She had asked so many different people for opinions and had gotten so many different answers that she was completely confused. I just stopped her and said "You can ask 5 pediatricians for advice and get 6 answers. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you. I know you don't feel like the expert here, but you are...pay attention to what your gut is telling you and then do that. It honestly doesn't matter what anyone else would do. We all make different choices and then end up spending years justifying those choices to ourselves and others....sometimes we become intolerant of other people's choices. Take time to find out what will work for you and trust yourself."

I feel good about being something positive for someone else.

It does highlight for me how I've changed over this last year. I really, really try not to *sweat the small stuff* anymore....so many things just don't even bother me at all. I am more relaxed about a lot of things and it is also due in part to the fact that I really don't care that much about what other people think anymore of me or my parenting, etc. It just feels better to be relaxed and positive. Yes, I have my down moments and still some negative moods or times, but in general, I just feel stronger and happier and...my moods have really evened themselves out. I like the changes that are taking place...I feel like a stronger, better person.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

I'm not sure what first tipped me off that I am slowly losing it...it might be that I've been more :w lately with everyone I meet, or the particular that I have reserved specifically for dh over the past month or so. I haven't really felt depressed...just angry about a lot of things. I have tried to get it together by working tirelessly to get the house cleaned up and by dressing up every day. I really haven't felt unhappy or like I'm losing it on most days. I'm just crabby.

Yesterday, everything caught up with me. I think this was really precipitated by the article that came out about our family. Though I know many people felt *moved* by it, I felt very agitated. I am still very upset about the photo that they chose for the cover and the fact that there were several inaccuracies, ommissions and too much melodrama. I thought it was going to be an article about survival, hope and strength and would provide a lot of information about resources for families, etc. Instead, it revealed too much personal information about me and my family and a picture of me at my most vulnerable was displayed.

Really...I'm just beside myself about this. I can't get past it. Though I'm very open here in the blogs and in the privacy of this website, I'm not as open in real life until I know someone quite well. I feel very exposed. (That, of course, I can't blame on the reporter. I had no way of knowing that I would feel this way.) It has brought all of my feelings to a boiling over point.

Suddenly, every criticism of me feels monumental...and there have been plenty of criticisms lately from too many places! I don't feel understood by my husband, who has essentially told me "i'm crazy" for feeling the way that I do about the article and to let it go. A lot of people in my life also just seem to be dragging me down. My mom calls daily (sometimes 2 or 3 times a day) to complain to me about the same things that she has been for years: She hates her job (but has 1000 excuses why she' can't look for another), She doesn't make enough money (but takes a lot of time off and then when the doc she works for actually has work for her to do that will be extra money she turns it down), She doesn't have any money but then goes on $300 shopping sprees for clothing because she doesn't 'like' her frumpy clothes, she can't get the tiles fixed on her completely crumbled master bathroom shower (where she has covered the walls with plastic bags in order to shower) because she doesn't 'want' a pre-fabbed plastic shower installed by a handyman...she wants all of the walls and tilework replaced....It is totally exhausting.

We actually got caller ID this week because I have got to be able to not answer the phone anymore when my CN or my mom call and I'm not in the place to be able to hear it. I want to be able to decline the *invitation* of a ringing phone without missing an important call.

I'm overwhelmed right now in the "kid" department too. Andrew has so much homework and is so disorganized that he's just drowning...I would love to help him, but since I'm the bastion of disorganization myself...well, I'm not very useful as a role model.

The social issues with Amanda are huge because of our neighbor. Her daughter continues to be mean and nasty to Amanda. When Amanda responds in any way, my crazy neighbor calls me and accuses Amanda of being mean and won't hear any explanation.

I'm also frustrated with other moms. I'm tired of getting those "do you know what your child did" phone calls. This week, I got an angry call from a mom because her daughter left her spelling work at our house when she and Amanda were supposed to be working on the assignment. The little girl called the house in the morning to ask Amanda to bring it to school. Amanda looked everywhere but couldn't find it. So the mom called me to say that she was convinced that Amanda didn't bring the assignment just to get her daughter into trouble. I felt like screaming "are you f***ing kidding me?" but I just sighed and said "I'll talk to her". This is the same mom whose daughter on that night insisted on sneaking out of our house and going into our crazy neighbor's house while my daughter stood outside on their lawn saying "please...we aren't supposed to be here", begging her friend to go back to our house. I of course punished Amanda for leaving the house and not coming to me in the first place, but the mom insisted that this was all Amanda's fault even when her daughter admitted that she had left because she wanted to paint her nails with the mean little daughter.

Seriously....this is just ridiculous! Do these people have nothing better to worry about or think about in their lives?

Yesterday, I just felt terribly depressed and I couldn't shake it. I was near tears all day. We went for a family walk and dh started in again about how I let crazy neighbor's son into our house to play. I tried to explain to him that I don't know what to do to keep the peace...that if I turn the child away at the door CN gets all weird and freaky and that it has more serious repurcussions for the kids too....and he treated me with such disdain that I lost it in the middle of a public road. I started screaming and yelling at him in front of the kids and just couldn't stop. We went home and got the kids to bed and then I went to bed...I'm exhausted. Dh came in and we started watching a little more of season 2 of desperate housewives (man, who knew that Bri really has issues ). Thomas discovered that Andrew was laying in bed trying to finish homework and he just went nuts yelling at him and criticizing him and I flipped out.

I'll spare everyone the gory details where I completely lost my marbles in front of my entire family and had a total meltdown.


I got out of bed and despite all of my work trying to keep things clean, my failure to clean yesterday, coupled with the fact that I let things go yesterday evening after kids were messing things up blew up in my face. At 7.20am when I was trying to get Andrew to school (and was still in jammies with no bra on) our builder came to my door to go downstairs and look at a floor that needs to be repaired.

For those of you who don't believe me when I complain about the mess, here is what he walked into:

Family room:


My work Station for sewing and scrapping (any questions about where Andrew's disorganization comes from)



Today is a new day and I'll just pick up the pieces and move on. The sun is shining and the Fall colors are absolutely spectacular. This really is one of my favorite times of the year and I think I'm going to take Aidan and Zoe our for a long walk to just enjoy it.

Speaking of walks, here are a couple of pics from our family walk this weekend at a local nature preserve:

[PrincessFiona]

I've been missing in action for awhile...I guess I'm just needing time to myself to contemplate this last year and find my center again. I don't feel depressed or upset...just a bit out-of-sorts.

Truth be told, it all started with the articles that came about our family. I haven't been able to really move past them, as odd as it sounds. In all honesty, I haven't ever read the articles from start to finish. Each time I start reading I get angry and flushed. I get angry about the pictures (particularly the one chosen for the front page on the first story), angry about what was revealed, angry about what I revealed, angry that the OB that delivered me wasn't mentioned, angry that things aren't portrayed the way that I would have portrayed them. I criticize the author's writing style, criticize myself for blogging and then sharing those particular exerpts with the journalist. Angry.

Hmmmm.

I saw my therapist right after the articles came out and she thought that they were good. Before she could even get the words out of her mouth though, I completely discounted the stories and expressed my outrage. Basically, she listened and then told me that her perception was different and that just maybe I was having to face some emotions that I hadn't allowed myself for this past year. She told me she kind of expected it....that I've been too "upbeat" about the whole thing.





Alright, I admit that there is truth to that. I bounced around here like nothing was wrong and just tried to keep moving forward. At one point, my dad yelled at me when he was here "Would you sto acting like everything is normal? Nothing is normal". I said "Would you prefer I go up and lay in bed with the blinds ulled? Would that make you feel better?"

The honest truth is that when you're going through a life-threatening illness, you can't allow yourself to be down. I made a choice to harness my positive energy and to move forward. I had moments of weakness and I was able to express my fear and sometimes my sadness when I blogged. It was enough for me. My positive attitude when I walked out of the front door every day helped me to survive. I would rather laugh than cry, joke than be serious, smile than frown. That's who I am most of the time now.

Those that know me in real life are aware of this.

So I guess I am slowly taking a peek at my feelings from this past year...and it is uncomfortable.

What's odd is that I recently saw a commercial about cancer and how 1 in 3 or 4 people has someone in their life close to them who has cancer or has fought it. I actually thought "we don't know anyone".

We don't KNOW anyone????

Earth to Kristen. Obviously, denial has worked it's magic on me!


So...coming to terms with this last year is weighing on my mind.

The other thing bothering me also is related. This experience has had some rather profound effects on how I feel about myself, my happiness personally and professionally and what I will and won't tolerate in my own home now.

Thomas and I have locked horns now on many occasions becuase I simply won't tolerate certain behaviors. He can be impatient (very) especially with Andrew and I have pretty much laid down the law with this. I refuse to back down.

I am working very hard at being more kind, patient and attentive with the kids. You only live once....each day needs to count...and I've put dh on notice that live has changed and he had better get with the program. Obviously...there is some conflict.

I've also become forcused on my happiness...me...me,me,me. Sure, I've lamented my lack of career or lack of time/focus for myself and then swept in with the whole "sacrifices of motherhood" bit many times in the past. I've been a bit more open with some people about my real feelings, but for the most part I think that I just resigned myself to having my children and husband's happiness be the most important thing.

And that's over. I've decided that I will do something to carve my own professional niche...whatever that may be.

Pretty much, I've laid down the law with the kids too. I did it nicely, in a "you guys are growing up and becoming so responsible and I'm so proud of you" kind of a way...but....I've let them know that they will no longer come to the table and eat...then walk away leaving the mess for me to clean..that I won't be coming to their rooms to pick up dirty laundry...etc.

I let everyone know that I don't know for sure what will be happening, but that I'll likely be going back to school soon....

The kids were excited. "You deserve it, Mom", Andrew said. Of course, a few days later we were in the van and the kids asked me what I wanted to study. I said that I didn't know and I asked them what they saw me as becoming...I got answers ranging from "you should become a firefighter to a 'talking doctor'". The only one who didn't pipe in with twenty different suggestions was Andrew. I finally turned back and said "what do you think, Andrew?". He said, "I think you should just be a mom. That's what I see you as....as a mom. You're a great mom. You're my mom."



I was stunned into silence. And nearly broke into hysterical sobs right there! Of course I love being a mom...I love my children dearly. I do not want to sacrifice any part of their happiness. But I also need to find a way to balance their happiness with my own.

How did it get to this point?

Little things.

The kids have told me on several occasions how lucky I am to not have to "work". "Your job is so easy, mom." Gee, I'm glad that I make cleaning the house, cooking, putting away laundry, diapering babies, playing with toddlers, helping with homework and getting kids into bed look....effortless.

Then there is the old friend who had disappeared out of my life when I got sick last year and then reappeared with her post-partum depression. I took care of her, met with her almost daily to walk...and forgave the fact that because of what was going on in her own life she simply hadn't been able to be a part of my life last year. Water under the bridge.

After a couple of weeks, she went back to work. She was supposed to come over after her first 1/2 day. I cleaned up, made a pot of coffee and put out some snacks and waited....and waited...and waited. She never showed up and never called. It's been weeks and I never heard from her again. Typical, typical, typical....doctor. It has made me so sick of being the good dawkter's wife.

I'm always the afterthought and despite walking with them in the mornings, going to their pampered chef parties, etc I will always be just "Tom's wife".

Another friend who also disappeared rather suspiciously last year (with the "I know how you like your privacy" excuse) showed back up in full force a couple of months ago. She had lost her job and suddenly found herself in the 'unenviable role' of being a sahm. We've had some fun get-togethers and chats...but they almost always precede the "hey, can you watch my daughter for me tomorrow while I go on a job interview" thing. I know that she's not just using me for that....but it is hard to look past it sometimes.

Then there is the colleague from the U where I was working who badgered me all year last year to fix her website, teach her class etc while I was undergoing chemo etc. She tried to get me to do computer-related stuff for her while I was actually in the chair having chemo, visited me in the hospital to harrass me and after Zoe was born she started calling all around the hospital to "find me" saying "Hey, I'm stalking you...look, I know this is really crappy timing, but I realllllly need a favor". I've avoided her for awhile.

She called me recently to tell me that she had a mass in her chest...she'd had a CT and had seen it herself and it was "at least 3x5 cm. I couldn't help but be concerned even though I still felt angry with her. It turned out that there was no mass....that there was a slight protrusion of the thyroid and the docs thought it was a thyroid goiter. She made it out to be the end of the world or something. They decided to biopsy it to be sure, but the doc was certain it was a goiter. So...I called her back after the biopsy on several occasions to find out if she was ok.

She never returned my call.

She had been annoyed that I had *snubbed* her when I was running back and forth to the NICU and was admitted for endometritis, blah, blah, blah....not just annoyed, but really angry. She didn't care that she had done nothing but use me and try and get me to do her work for her while I was at my sickest...it was all about her.

I am just beside myself that SHE is now avoiding ME.


My mom is coming tomorrow for a few days. Andrew has a part in the 6th grade play. (When I called him my little thespian he screamed "omg, that is disgusting, why did you say that" ). Then my mil is coming on Nov. 5th. We have compromised and she will only be staying 17 days. DH also took a week off.

I've let him know that I've already packed a bag for myself, Zoe and Aidan and that if he steps out of line with her here and doesn't back me up that I'm taking Kelly up on her gracious offer to host us.....

This time....he knows I mean it too.

To end this on a happy note...here's what I've been doing with my spare time lately: Until last week, our living room and entry were white walls and completely barren of any candles/pictures/decorating of any kind.

After a binge at TJ Max and a really careful paint job, here's the entryway:



and the living room (2 views)





I haven't decided on window treatments yet, so the window isn't in the pic

Here is a "before" pic Go ahead...click on it...I dare ya...






Kris

[PrincessFiona]

So today, officially, I have lost a total of 22 pounds since starting my *diet*. Granted, I began this process this summer and then fell off the wagon when our company came from the UK and it took me a good 6 weeks to get back "on" the wagon...but 22 pounds is good. I'm happy.


I was lucky that in the time that I wasn't concentrating on weight loss I didn't regain much of what I had already taken off.

Last time, I tried low carb and took off about 17 pounds/give or take. Then I tried Scarsdale which was super low calorie and ended up not losing AND falling off the wagon in a hunger-induced state of hysteria. I regained about 3.5 pounds after that and then my weight stabilized.

I'm now down to within 6 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, which, sadly is still an all-time high for me. I won't tell you what I have left to lose to get to my *ideal* weight, but my personal goal is another 60 or so pounds....How did THAT happen?????? I know I'll never be my ideal weight again, so I'll settle for a little overweight.

This time, I did Low Carb to jumpstart myself and get rid of the hunger cravings for a week. Once my appetite was not getting the best of me, I switched over to a sort of modified scarsdale program. I've increased the calories, fats and fruits but am still losing.

Yeah for me!

I'm not snacking anymore at night and my between-meal snack is carrot sticks only....after awhile, they get old, and I end up just deciding to wait for the next meal instead.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

I'm having a very bitter few days. If you're looking for an upbeat blog, I'm afraid that today you'll need to visit someone else's. The closer my mil gets to arriving, the worse my mood and attitude seem to be deteriorating.

Honestly, there is just too much to do to prepare this house for her imminent white glove arrival and I'm not in the mood. When my mom came last week, I basically vacuumed the living room, cleaned the kitchen and was done with it. She doesn't care if there is chaos upstairs or we don't clean the kitchen immediately after eating. It is nice to be able to just relax and enjoy her company.

I am so tired lately...more so than I've ever been. I used to be an extremely high energy person and now I find that I have to be in bed by about 9 or 9.30pm. It's very unusual for me.

I recognize that my body has been through a lot and that it is still healing. I continue to struggle with chest pain and shortness of breath as well as weird swelling above my clavicle and sternum. It is what it is...
There isn't evidence of a recurrence and I don't feel that that is the problem. I think my body is just trying to mend itself and that I need more time...and rest...

I don't have time to rest though because of our large family. Aidan isn't really napping anymore, Zoe naps sporadically and my older children really need my involvement right now more than usual. Andrew is struggling so much with organizational skills right now that he is doing poorly in some of his classes. Amanda is still being bullied by our next door neighbor's child and the school counselor has had to step in. Amanda began developing facial tics and was having crying outbursts because of the stress of it all. Now that the school counselor has met with Amanda and the other child (and this child apparently broke out into hysterical sobs at school and was crying and carrying on!) I am waiting for my neighbor to drop another crazy bomb.

Alex has historically done very well in math. When there was a substitute teacher the first month of school he had a very high placement. His real teacher came out of maternity leave and gave each of the kids a *star* math and *star* reading test on the computer. Alex clicked the wrong buttons and somehow managed to get really poor grades on both...as in...below 1st grade level (He is in 2nd grade). To me, that indicates that he screwed up the tests...to his teacher, it's indicative a low ability level. The result? Based on those two tests, he was placed down in the subjects. He came home and said "I used to be good at math, but I guess I'm not anymore mom. What happened?"

:thud:

I went to conferences hoping to talk with the teacher. She's very young and also a newer teacher. She was about an hour behind in her conference schedule. By the time it was my turn there were 4 other families waiting after me and it was 7.30 (my conference time was 6.20). We had to zip through the conference. She told me that in preparation for Alex's conference that she'd had him re-do the *star* reading test and he'd tested above grade level. (3rd grade 2nd month) "It must have been a glitch" she said. "What about the math?" She didn't re-test him....she hadn't even considered it.

Jeeebus. Do I have to homeschool my children? A quick chat with Alex's first grade teacher had her scratching her head. She just couldn't understand the math placement.

DH is as overwhelmed by all of the school issues as I am....the lack of math group levels in the 6th grade, the social problems, the one-time math test being used to guage a child's ability level (did I mention Alex continues to get A+'s on every math paper and test?). So he said to me "What should we do?"

Pretty much, my answer has changed from one of activism to "well, honey, I guess we turn around, bend over and take it". This is St. Cloud. This is the professional choice that has been made. This is the area that we live in. It is not Minneapolis/St. Paul where we could choose a Montessori school, German immersion program or something different for our children. I am tired of calling teachers, going in to talk about issues that don't end up being resolved anyway etc. I feel like the public school system has finally just worn me down.

This morning, dh was really depressed about it all and I told him that we simply need to adjust to the fact that our children will never achieve the same educational level at highschool graduation that he had...they won't learn the same quantity, won't excel the way he has...and he should just suck it up and get used to it.

I'm the queen of support...I know. I'm going to nominate myself for wife of the year this year, I think.


To end this uplifting blog, I have decided to include part of my son's 6th grade science test. Enjoy the guessing game. C in the animal cell is???? The teacher told Andrew that they were meant to be vacuoles. Hmmm...I was always taught that vacuoles played a larger role in the plant cell. Of course, I could have missed something since I was more narrowly focuses on DNA...I was thinking peroxisome, vesicle...maybe even a little ribosome? Heck, if you're going to narrow an animal cell down to the bare bones like that, how about a mitochondria?

C, D, and E in the plant cell are???? D is not a chloroplast. Of course it doesn't look like the nucleus either, but C is definitely not the nucleus....which is what Andrew assumed. He thought the unmarked blob was the vacuole. I assume that C was the central vacuole.

Do they not have pre-made drawings of plant/animal cells that are a little more accurate from which to test children?

Maybe I'm just being too picky. Obviously, I'm feeling crabby today!



Kris