Life In The Real World

[PrincessFiona]

It's official. My crazy neighbor's husband got a job in Houston. He accepted it this morning and turned in his 2 week notice. They are leaving here in less than 2 weeks.

[PrincessFiona]

It's officially...over. Finally.....we can all exhale. My neighbors finally hit the road last night. (I have a picture of their moving van for future posting :> )

The last couple of weeks were very...strange. I talked to CN daily..sometimes 2 or 3 times daily...she was stressed out and needing support and companionship. She seemed strangely normal...and nice...and I realized that that was what our friendship could have been if she didn't have such severe mental health problems.

I felt good about how I handled things...but strange that I was communicating with her. It was a very weird feeling to accept that Yes, she is crazy and Yes, she is also nice and worthy of forgiveness. I was able to forgive before she left...able to move on...and that felt good. I sincerely hope that her life in TX will be better than it was here, but I have a sinking feeling that she will take her problems from here with her.

I also think our neighbor died last night. She lives across the street from me and has been dying of some kind of bone cancer. I found out only about 3 weeks ago. I meant to take over a meal and...I didn't There are cars parked all over the front of the house and street....I nearly cried when I drove up and saw them...It's so terrible....cancer is an awful thing.

Things have been a bit...rough for me over the last month. My relationship with Thomas has been really up and down and I think I've been grieving alot about last year...I'm slowly coming to terms with the trauma that it was for me. While it was all happening, I just couldn't afford to let myself feel afraid or angry or believe that things might not work out. Now, every time I look at Zoe I just...can't believe what we went through.

I have been subbing at our local Montessori preschool/kindergarten and I've also made a *definite* ( ) career decision. I've decided to pursue a PhD in health psychology, and I'm thinking about all of my options. There is a program at North Dakota State that would only be 2 years with an MS in psych. So...I'm considering getting an MS from St. Cloud State (not the greatest program, but...I'm trying to be realistic about my options considering where we live ) over the next few years. The entire program is available both on-campus and online...this would allow me to complete it from home except research and internship stuff....then maybe in a few years I could keep doing my research here while finishing up coursework a couple of days a week in Fargo????

Who Knows...

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Good-bye, CN

I still can't believe that my neighbor is gone. I woke up at about 3am in the morning with the worry that...they would be coming back. They haven't sold their house here yet..and I just can't imagine that she will be able to cope with the stress and change very well. On moving day, she sat on the floor in her house having a melt-down because the mover was 3 hours late and things weren't running smoothly. Here, they have in-laws to help...and at his job here, he worked from home. Every day during the summer I saw him out in the middle of the day carrying the baby or taking care of the kids because she needed a *break*...For the last 5-7 years he's worked from home. What if she can't cope when she gets to TX? His new job requires him to actually go to work every day and to TRAVEL.

I really woke up in the middle of the night in a panic that at the lastest...they'll be back here by summer. I guess I'm just still traumatized by it all They did find help for their son down there, so maybe that connection will help them to get plugged in and invested down there. He may be transferring from one hospital program to the next....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, Alex turned 8...wow...where did the time go? I can't believe how quickly the kids are growing up...

Here we are at Space Alien's Celebrating. We were partying it up while..CN finished packing up the truck to move out...When we got back...she was gone. (I wonder if CN will end up being such a huge thing in our lives that we'll date things by "was this before or after CN? )




Refusing to crack a smile anymore until she gets braces to fix her front teeth...



Yesterday was Aidan's first day without the stomach bug and so we went to our new super McDonald's play area to celebrate him feeling better (and to give me a chance to get out of the house during the day )





Ahhh...and last but not least...Yes, I did finally put the finishing touches on the Link blanket...ugggh. wrinkly...and I spilled coffee on it this am ...but here's a pic...



kris

[PrincessFiona]

Go Zoe Go! (click on the pic to watch the video)

February 13, 2007

(That's Amanda squeaking in the background...and yes, those are crumbs all over my kitchen floor. Poor Zoe...she doesn't even get her moment of glory because there is so much action....life as baby #5)


So...she's pulling herself up on everything. I still think she's weak on one side...but I've been assured it is my imagination by everyone around me.



kris

[PrincessFiona]

I had a really interesting experience yesterday. DH had the afternoon off and so we took Aidan and Zoe and went out for lunch....Afterwards, we went to spread our *yuck* germs at the local play area in the mall. Aidan seemed to have rebounded and was fine and it didn't really occur to me until later that he had been feeling so lousy and was under the influence of tylenol. Ahhh, what a desperate mom will do to get a few minutes to talk with her hubby.

Of course, dh went off to Caribou and left me watching the babes on my own. A mom about my age sat down and started chatting with me. She is also a sahm but lives in the town that I've been harping on moving to (about 15 minutes outside of the twin Cities). I asked her what she was doing in St. Cloud and she said "well, I headed out to a furniture store near here and then..well....since I have nothing else to do I thought 'what the heck...why not St. Cloud'". Scarey how our lives kind of mirrored each others. I certainly understand the empty hole that can swallow up a day when there is no schedule to give us direction.

She has two boys that she adopted from Columbia and is in the process of adopting another....their last. I told her about how Jenn had adopted from Russia and that her "labor and delivery" story was simply incredible...wanting to acknowledge her experience as an adoptive mother. I told her how great it was that she had given her boys this chance at a wonderful life.

She looked....insulted.

Obviously, it's better to say nothing...at which point, I fear many people would interpret as indifference or judgement. I realized that I had put my foot in my mouth. She did not understand what I meant or the intention of my comments.

We stumbled past that and she filled me in that what she loved about adopting from Columbia is that she got to follow the progress of the pregnant mom and ensure the health of mom and baby throughout the process. Adopting a healthy baby, she admitted, was very important to her.

She then asked me if Zoe was 6 or 7 months and remarked on how incredible it was that she is pulling herself up already. "She is 10 months old" I said. "Oh, MY. She is little". I added that she was born ~ 7 weeks early but really seemed to have caught up.

Pause...

Was she mentally trying to figure out if she was stepping all over my issues after going on and on about having a healthy baby?

"What did you say her name is?"

"Zoe"

"oh....."

I started wondering if she had seen the newspaper article about our family and was putting it together. Did she feel that my daughter would not have been adoption material? I didn't really know what to say. More silence.

Life is so complicated with all of the issues that we carry around with us.

We had a nice conversation...tiptoing around the issues of prematurity and adoption and settling instead on MN.

I asked her if she liked where she was living. "No, it's just too inclusive. It feels impossible to break into. You should stay where you are." It must be a MN thing.

Thomas came back with the coffee and pointed to his watch. "We have to go home..Alex will be getting off the bus in 15 minutes."

We said our good-byes, did the "maybe we'll run into each other sometime" thing and took off.

I wondered later why I hadn't just handed her my phone number....I'm sure I'll never run into her again. I thought about telling her my name...giving her my number....Funny how two strangers can talk about issues like struggling with infertility or lonliness....but ultimately don't feel that they can take the risk to reveal themselves or risk that offer of friendship.

More drive-by intimacy, I guess.

I realized later that I am not ready to reach out right now. I'm hurting right now in ways that are very difficult for me to both express and cope with. Just as I could not have known what the right or wrong thing was to say as she shared about the adoptions....she could also not have known what our last year was like....and really...no one can...and it isn't fair for me to expect that.

But I feel let down by the people in my life...in a compelling way...that makes me want to move and leave no forwarding address. My mother feels free now to brandish her own tough love everytime she calls to complain about the job that she's been complaining about for 5 years. My father no longer calls and if I call him, he's usually busy....again. I had my 6 week follow up with my OB when Zoe was ~6 or 7 months old. Yes, it was late in coming..but...we needed time to settle.

He hasn't seen me since before Zoe was discharged from the NICU.... He ran into the room and began talking before he seemed to realize that he was seeing me. He stopped himself mid-sentence.

"kris....." pause "kris...I meant to thank you for the chocolates and christmas card. I was going to go to world market and get you some marzipan (YUCK...so glad he didn't :> ) but i didn't have time". He was having a busy day...He did the exam in 30 seconds flat and stood there kind of wanting to say something but not sure of what to say and it was obvious that he was busy.

"hey, quit standing around", I joked. "You have patients to see...out, out so I can get dressed". And he was gone.

After all that happened.....I am the only one left with the wounds that need to be healed. Maybe I shouldn't have ushered him away, but I know that the docs need to stay on schedule...and I felt that I was rescuing him from having to say anything....

I found out that the source of all of the leaks about my healthcare crisis had been my old OB.....Jodi....The one who had said to me "Kris, you can tell me anything. I promise that I will keep your secrets".

Betrayal.

Our before cancer friends still aren't our friends. Our during cancer friends have gone back to their lives.

Thomas and I struggel to even face each other some nights...opting instead to fight or do things separately. He works later now.....I spend most of my days alone...wanting to connect with him again, but not knowing how. I can't allow myself to be vulnerable...can't face the pain that this last year has brought.

The kids are all struggling because of the new changes in our home. There is distance between all of us...and some nights we don't speak to each other until with relief I finally say "bedtime".

No one wants to go to bed....we all seek a connection that none of us know how to make right now.

Things seem to cycle between being better and worse....and I feel like I am a lightning rod for my family's connectedness...and emotional stability. This is a scarey thing, as lately...I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I have more of the shortness of breath...coupled with chest pain...I find myself gasping for air again sometimes and I have been drawn back into the terrifying fear that I will become a statistic. My children will grow up without their mother...I will miss out on their lives. Instead of embracing them and holding them tighter, I am running away....terrified of losing my family...of things never...ever....being ok again. A normal chest x-ray assures me that with 99% likelihood, all is well and we are dealing with radiation damage issues...but...I feel torn apart.

It is not supposed to be like this. The "new normal" is supposed to be different. We should be embracing each other more, appreciating each day...not fleeing out of grief and fear.

More drive-by intimacy, I guess.


kris

[PrincessFiona]

Preemie Schmeemie



So, Zoe is standing everywhere. She hasn't quite mastered adding the taking of the steps, but it's coming. She can stand up anywhere without needing to hold onto anything. Go, Zoe. Who would have guessed it!!!! She has also turned from being my easy-going little angel to being demanding,demanding,demanding!

We've been really busy the last couple of weeks with the hotel stay, activities and school. I've gotten the legal papers that I need to pull Andrew and Amanda out of school right now and am in the process of deciding if that is indeed what I am going to do. I'm giving myself some time to cool off and think it through rationally before making an impulsive decision. It's a long story, but the Cliff's Notes version is simply that...I think it is more stressful for our family and the children having them in school dealing with the crap than it would be if I started high dose prozac therapy :> and began homeschooling.

I've found some curriculum options to finish out the year and am so close to doing it....the only thing stopping me is the...the fear of it being the wrong thing....

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Amanda has been out of school all week....and it's been a really interesting experience...

I called her in sick on Monday and then talked to the vice-principal (whom I've been dealing with all along). I explained to her that Amanda wasn't sick but that I felt the situation between the girls had become so escalated that I really needed to pull Amanda out of it...that she was begging not to be sent back into the middle of it and I felt that i needed to really listen to her cry for help.

The vice principal......agreed. She told me that ordinarily, they don't allow parents to do this, but that she was going to go with me on this one and see how we can work things out.

I've been knock-myself-out busy all week. We start out out each day with German and then move on to Language Arts...I've had her doing a mixture of the work that they are sending from school and my own....writing assignments...So far, I've had her write from the teacher's perspective...about wanting to become a teacher and how it feels to have these "girl wars" happening in the classroom...how she feels as a teacher...as well as writing as one of the girls that has been so nasty to her....In that paper she's had to write about that girl's life and how that girl really feels. Today, she has to write a letter of apology and forgiveness to that child. I told her she won't have to give it to that girl, but...I'm hoping that...she'll want to eventually.

My goal is to get her to see everyone else's feelings and not just focus on her own hurt.

We've done a lot of science and have focused on....the cell...seeing as I have realized that not doing science in a couple of years has actually made me forget everything else...and holy cow...I even have had to look things up for her. Where is my brain? In any case, we pulled out the microscope and have looked at hair fibers, cheek cells, onion cells and some odds and ends. She has made a cell using a plastic bag, petroleum jelly and some bobbles and...made one out of construction paper.


I....am exhausted. EXHAUSTED, I tell you.

We're trying to keep up with her homework assignments for school and quite frankly, I'm blown away at the level of work that she has to do and how well the teachers have taught them to do it...there really is a serious method to their madness. I have a newfound respect...
Amanda's behavior has changed completely since being home. Yesterday, even Andrew said "what's up with Amanda, Mom...she's so...nice...it's weird!"

Yes, she is...so nice. It's amazing. There has been no sass, no out bursts, no sadness, no yelling...she has been...(I know I'm jinxing myself) delightful. The more work that I give her to do, the more she just says "what's next, mom". She told Thomas last night that she never wants to go back to school. "Mom is a good teacher. School is boring. Please don't make me go back."

And...I'm torn on the issue. I'm a perfectionist...and I don't think I am giving her what she gets at school...I'm not kidding....the more I try and teach the more I realize that I don't know 1. what I'm talking about and 2. how to do it. Who KNEW that I couldn't remember how to find the circumference of a circle (C=d * pi ... just fyi) AND that just explaining what a radius and diameter are and giving her the formula/practice problems would bore here nearly into falling out of her chair. :huh:

I'm....a bad teacher.....

This is hard!

I have the full backing of the middle school, which is really interesting. I've been completely upfront and honest with the vice principal and she told me she's behind me 100%. The first time I brought in the work Amadna's been doing to show her what we were doing she said "Kris, you don't have to prove anything to me...really...I mean it!"...and she did mean it.

It made me feel...well....good. She knows that I have Amanda's best interests at heart and that we're doing everything we can.

I met with a therapist and discussed it on Wednesday and the therapist's take on it was that this is a toxic situation of abuse between the girls and the best course of action IS to remove Amanda from the situation if it can' t be adequately worked out.

Are we going to keep homeschooling for the rest of the year? Honest moment...I don't know what I want. I feel selfish, but..I miss being able to get online and read what's going on here (isukisukisukisuk) and there is a part of me that kind of hopes that Amanda *gets* how much I love her and am willing to do for her and will want to go back to school on Monday(isukisukisukisuk).

At the same time, I'm enjoying our time together....I feel in a way that it is sort of healing for us both....I don't know what the right thing to do is...we have to decide by Monday....I don't want to be selfish...I want to do the right thing...

I'm feeling more even keel emotionally lately (which is a good thing!). My hormones are totally out of wack (2 periods in 3 weeks...sorry for the TMI) and I think that that really has kind of thrown me emotionally for a loop!

To top it off, my crazy neighbor's daughter's friends were talking yesterday at lunch and Andrew overheard that they are moving back. :thud: I'm hoping that this is just a rumor....Andrew broke it to me this morning and I admit feeling proccupied with the thought all day.

I had a horrible dream 3 weeks ago that her kids were standing in my kitchen and she had run screaming into her house and I actually *gulp* called her that morning once I got the kids off to school and sorted....I HAD to make sure she was staying there. She seemed sort of on the fence about her new life and said that as of April 1, they would be paying nearly $6000/mo for 2 mortgages and he's only earning 90,000 ....her kids were having terrible adjustment issues and her 7 year old child with the behavioral problems that had been hospitalized (psych) before they
moved had been running through the neighborhood screaming at his dad "you bitch, you a$$hole". She thought it was funny...and that just really gets to me.

I realized at that moment that I'd finally found closure.....I was done with her...I could let go. I have not thought about her since then really and feel myself slowly unwinding. DH said "if she comes back, we' treat her like the crazy person that she is". Easy for him to say.

I hope...that this is all untrue....but I had this *feeling* from the very beginning. There house is still vacant and they never have showings...when we had the snow, there driveway had 3 feet of snow piled up in it for about 10 days until a neighbor used his snowblower to get rid of it....there was no way that they could have had a showing.

They have had a couple of people show up for open house, but the people leave pretty quickly.....

Who knows..........

Anyway...here are a couple of other pics of the kiddos:

Zoe enjoying a yummy snack (she's such a pig )

Andrew shoveling snow:

Zoe at the swimming pool

Alex coming down the slide

Happy Aidan

Amanda being goofy

[PrincessFiona]

I am the only person that I know that can eat her way through a stomach ache. No really…it’s sadly true. I developed a terrible stomach ache Wednesday night in the middle of the night. The pain woke me up and I drifted in and out of sleep. Thursday, I actually got the kids out the door to school and then laid in bed with Zoe and Aidan crawling on the floor around me and watching TV until nearly 1pm. I felt miserable.

And yet…I didn’t miss a meal. Really, this was the perfect opportunity for me to really get a grip on my eating and I couldn’t do it. What does that say about me? I returned to a healthy eating plan on Monday and did well until I got sick…I was already losing some of the weight that I put on from stress eating over the last month. Logic would dictate that getting a bad stomach ache would mean that I would lose a little more…maybe not even be able to eat until I felt better? Nope, not here. My fat cells actually go into panic mode if there is any hint that there might be a famine coming.

sigh. The stomach ache remains…as does the appetite. Oh, how I wish I could just wake up thin again….I lay in bed at night some nights fantasizing about how I would never allow myself to get this fat again…..

The week itself was just crazy. This was Amanda’s trial week of school. Because it was the week before spring break, each day was jampacked with fun activities that she didn’t want to miss. She also said she missed her friends and she wanted to try it. Things steadily went downhill and ended with me basically…making a complete a$$ of myself. I got so frustrated that I responded to the vice-principal’s email to me by telling her that their 0 tolerance policy was a joke and that I had given 150% of myself to solving the problems but that now my only advice to my daughter was to stand up for herself and fight….amongst other choice words. I don’t ordinarily actually respond to people without thinking things through, but I was at my wit’s end.

The vice principal has never known me to be anything but friendly, calm and rational and she called me and said she was literaly bowled over by my response to her….and hurt. I apologized for taking my frustrations out on her, but expressed my frustration that there was little punishment for misdeeds and those punishments seemed to come weeks after actual infractions. I could tell she was still unhappy with me.

I sent her a very nice email apology…and followed it up with an apology card the next day. I haven’t heard anything back…and there is a part of me that feels terrible about it. I have really prided myself on trying to handle things diplomatically and I guess with all of the stress of the week and my upcoming CT scan on Monday I just…lost it.

A friend of mine here who is also dealing with this same issue with the vice principal pretty much told me that I was within my rights to feel the way that I do. She had a meeting on Friday with the school where she also expressed many of the same feelings. My mom :therethere: consoled me by pretty much saying that maybe I was feeling badly because expressing my dissatisfaction like that was so out of character for me these days…That’s true….I tend to vent to DH or friends and then am really polite when actually addressing a problem…so I have given myself permission now to move on from this episode. I have given all that I can in terms of apologies and whether they are accepted or not….I move on.

Finally..the big ouch for the week…I was getting Andrew ready for boyscouts after dropping Amanda off at a bday party sleepover. We had only 30 minutes to get him completely packed and so I was hurrying. I grabbed a sweatshirt from the closet but couldn’t get the coathanger down. The bar was up too high and I was in such a hurry that I tried pulling on the sweatshirt to get it off of the hanger without actually having to reach for the hanger.

Much to my surprise, as the sweatshirt came down, the coat hanger snapped and broke…sending a projectile piece of plastic directly into my left eye. OUCH.

Here’s the coat hanger:


and the projectile piece that rocketed into my eye:


I feel incredibly lucky that I didn’t….lose my eye or end up with some serious eye damage. I spent a couple of hours in the ER to find out that I had abrasions to the surface of my eyeball…along with some swelling and a little bump….but…no corneal damage.

What a way to end the week! Of course…I treated myself to McDonald’s french fries because I felt like I “deserved it” after all of that.

And I wonder why I can’t lose weight.

Today…I’m definitely getting my eating back on track.

[PrincessFiona]

I had my CT scan this morning....and...there is no sign of recurrence! :stars:
I was so panicked about it last night that I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 3 am.....and then had to be at the clinic before 8.

I've had a lot of chest pain in one area and difficulty breathing...especially if I exercise...but also at rest...it turns out that I have "ground glass opacities" throughout the field of radiation and quite coincidentally, the pain that I've been experienced is also in that area. (I'm sure my rad onc would still argue that it "can't be from the radiation" or that it was from stress. )

It sux to have an abnormality be there, but it is such a relief at the same time (as strange as that sounds!). I guess...it's validating.

Yeah...I think I might go and buy some paint and paint our family room to celebrate.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

There is one profession that I'm not cut out for: Daycare provider/Nanny.

Mom ...Yes! SAHM? I don't know. Days like today and yesterday certainly give me a reason to stop and think it over!

I love my children more than well...anything....but I don't think I'm cut out personality-wise to deal with the never-ending stream of shennanigans that plagues us during the Summer months. I'm getting a taste of that this week during Spring Break....

Yesterday was our first day off...and we were suprised with some fabulous weather. My kids, of course, fought non-stop with each other (even going as far as to chase each other around our block throwing shoes at each other . There was the whining, "I'm bored", etc....and I thought my head was going to just twist around and rocket into space. Then my 3 1/2 year old just took off and went to a neighbor's house without my knowledge. I turned around in the garden and...he was gone. I was so mad at him that I went to go and get him...and came right down to his level and said in my firmest voice "you do NOT leave the yard. You are not allowed to walk off and go to other people's houses". My neighbor's jaw dropped and she looked at me like I had just beaten him or something. But really, it just made me so fearful that he would run off like that and be gone in an instant.

Then a neighbor boy came over and started running with my older boys through our backyard and our playhouse. This kid was slamming the doors of our playhouse and banging his body and baseball bat against the windows of the house while my children laughed and went along with him. Last year, the same kid broke one of the windows in our play house by intentionally hitting it, one of the plant hangers and 2...not just 1 but 2 of our plastic deck chairs.

I went outside, bawled them all out and told the kid to go home. My kids were embarassed, my neighbors probably were hoping I'd move back to my trailor... all in all, it was not a good day.

I was hoping that today would be better, but I'm unnerved by the constant running in and out of the house, the tattling "she called me twerperitis", "he won't give me my jelly candy", "he's doing this...she's doing that...." On top of it all, my 3 year old is just desperate for more freedom. He wants to run outside and play, but I can't let him go into the front yard. All of the other kids want to play out front or head over to our dock to look at the melting water and so he ended up standing in the backyard crying and sobbing, "I hate you mommy. You're not my friend anymore" while I worked on the oh-so-fun task of cleaning up a winter's worth of dog poop with a shovel/bucket. The best part of course though is that my 3 year old is now running around spitting on his hands, clapping them together and then trying to shake hands with my daughter's friend who is here visiting. So the girls are screaming at my little guy...who is absolutely delighting in his new power.

Zoe was sick last night....again...It seems like she has had a cold since December, really. Last night she was up in the middle of the night coughing so much that I thought I would have to take her in to the ER. It absolutely sounded like she was choking...and it seemed endless.

I only slept a few hours and...I'm just beat today!I feel like hopping a plane to the caribbean....I wonder if anyone would notice?

The good news in all of this is that I had my CT scan yesterday and it came back clean. I am still in remission! The chest pain and shortness of breath is easily explained by scarring that is evident...but the cancer is...gone. It's such an anxiety-provoking issue for dh and I...and yet I know that now chances are that we have beaten this. It's gone.

My heart goes out to Elizabeth Edwards and Tony Snow. I cried today when I turned on the news and found out that his cancer had returned and is metastatic. Obviously, I don't know these public figures personally...but I can feel how devastated they must be....and I feel devastated for them. Life is sometimes terribly, terribly unfair!

With my good news yesterday, I also discovered that our pussy willows have bloomed. We have 3 huge, natural pussy willow trees growing on the edge of what we own of the pond. I love pussy willows...they are beautiful, unique plants that are environmental indicators...where they grow...the environment is healthy.

[img]src="http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b271/kmmath/P1010818.jpg[/img]



Personally, I celebrated my continued remission by taking on a painting project! I picked out a color for our downstairs family room (formerly white walls) and decided to go for it. Since my yellow/red fiasco a few years ago, I have leaned towards natural beige colors, so this was a stretch for me. When dh found out that I had gone to Home Depot and bought paint he was ... very concerned (to say the least). But now...he loves it:</span>

Before: (ahem, forgive the mess)




and...
After: (again with the mess...)




It looks much more orange in the pics than it actually is, btw....it is a kind of a terra cotta color...the only thing that bums me out is that it matches the woodwork so well...we almost need white woodwork to get it to "pop", but I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to get off-white curtains for our sliding glass doors and windows and some off-white throws for the sofa....after I clean up, of course.

[PrincessFiona]

So...happy,happy me. The week started off on a low note while we all adjusted but we eventually found a comfortable middle ground. The kids probably spent too much time watching tv and playing gamecube, but we also did our nightly Little House marathon and a night out at Chuck-E-Cheese! I'm actually sad to see the break coming to the end....and since Alex still has 150 of his 300 reading minutes to finish..I know he's wishing the break were longer too. Tomorrow will be a long reading day for him.

It would have been so much nicer if the weather had been good. We've dealt with nothing but drizzle and rain for much of the week...BUT...by mid-week, people were returning from their trips. The warmer weather brought our neighbors outside despite the rain.

I reconnected with one neighbor who I haven't talked to all winter. She lives down the street and she was as freaked out by CN as I was. She had had her own bad experiences with her....When she saw me drive by, she waved for me to pull over...and jumped out of the car and ran over to me. I got out of the van and she actually threw her arms around me and shouted "I heard you're free!!!" The thing is...I knew exactly what she was talking about. My neighbor is gone, gone, gone!

:happyrain:

It's such a relief. I realized that I let the kids go in the backyard (when it wasn't raining cats and dogs) without worrying...that we went on walks without having to feel anxious....I can't wait for summer to get here and to be able to garden in the backyard! I'm already busy planning.



DH and I have been playing in the neighborhood 500 card club and we've gotten to know many of our neighbors this way. I think joining was the best thing that we've done since we moved to this neighborhood! (Oh, and can I just add that I was the big winner last time and won a bottle of wine :> ) We saw these neighbors out this week as well and there was a new level of comfort....I notice that we are waving at each other when we come and leave the neighborhood now. I'm in the middle of planning and preparing for our first annual neighborhood easter egg hunt.

Holy Cow.....when did this happen?

Someone here told me that Feb. and March are the hardest months because you just "hit the wall" and are in desperate need of spring. Everyone seems to be hibernating...and...it's true. The last couple of months have felt excrutiating to me because of the isolation.....

This week though, several people that I had kind of given up on even called to find out if we were going to walk again together this summer....to set up our dinner club routine again, etc....

It's like all of MN just finally woke up out of a deep sleep or something....I feel like someone just shot me with a blast of sunshine or something.

OH...and there is a woman here whom I have gotten to know who is very nice...she teaches our children's Kung Fu and she is very lonely, so I've talked with her on the phone, referred a bunch of people that I know to her new studio (my 4 children were her first 4 clients ) and she offered to repay me for my kindness by babysitting for free.

I refused to accept that but said that I would love a babysitter for one morning a week that I PAID. She was embarassed because in the chinese culture people just do favors for each other....but...accepted my offer.

Wow...so....I have nice neighbors that I am finally getting to know, I'm good at 500 :> (Oh Yah..I'm really good ), old friends are calling again to set up all of the things that we had done before I got sick and I have a babysitter for one morning a week........all in the period of a week.

Holy Cow...someone pinch me!

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Would winter PLEASE go AWAY? Seriously....I'm sooooo tired of it . It has been so cold all week and the snow that we got has stuck around. We may even get another dusting today. How on earth will I hide Easter eggs ?

The Easter egg hunt planning has turned into a little mini-job, as everyone seems to want to get in on the action. That's a good thing though...I've had the chance to talk more with my neighbors and get to know them better. I've decided to have a little kid's hunt on one empty lot and a big kid's hunt on the empty lot next to it. This will keep the groups separated.

I am really glad that I decided to be the organizer...only for the fact that it has helped me make some new connections. My phone has been ringing off the hook "when will the website be done" (soon, soon...I'm working on it) and "do you think you could organize a walking club?" (Do I look like I walk :> ....but yah, I'll take that on! ) I've never been an organizer before (just ask those closest to me :> ) but I am jumping at the chance to make new friends. People seem to be really excited that the neighborhood is starting to do some things and I want to be a part of it all.

It turns out that the main reason people shyed away from us last year had nothing to do with CN ... but my illness and their concerns, fears or inability to know what to say. People are calling me to ask me if I need help getting anything done for Saturday and then pretty much immediately follow up with a "I hate to be rude, and you don't have to answer, but...." followed by an "are you ok health-wise now". When I say, "yes, I'm doing fabulously" I get the "we were so concerned...we saw the articles in the paper (damn, damn, damn,damn) ....we didn't know what to say...." blah, blah, blah.

It's nice to just get it out of the way and be able to move on with them.

I've been thinking a lot about fitting in and it occurred to me that when we'd been here a few years I had felt more settled because we were driving to the german school on Saturdays. I had made connections with the people there and had even started working as an assistant teacher and a sub on certain days. I had a circle of people that I knew and had coffee with when I wasn't helping out. It was....fun...and I felt that I had found my place (even though it was quite a drive). I wasn't happy in my neighborhood, but talking to people that live there is always a good reminder that I totally was not alone in feeling the way that I did. I'm still glad that we moved...and this still is my dream house. I can't wait for Spring (go away snow!!!!) so that I can get back to work in my gardens!

I had reached a real point of peace with my life when we moved to our new house. In re-reading some of my diaries and online blogs I realize that...I was really, really in a good place. I had contacts within the community, people that I could call to go and do coffee with....professional connections if I ever wanted to jump back in feet first. Things were good.

Then...came the whole illness thing..and it really set me back.

I've been wallowing in my "we've been here 7 years thing", but it isn't completely true. I did have a point where I felt settled and like I belonged...this past couple of years just threw that completely off balance. I became isolated in our new neighborhood because I got sick and didn't know anyone (well, except CN, and we all know how that ended!)...and things just went downhill from there.

I feel....like I am finding my land legs again, if that makes any sense. The more I put myself back out there again, the more I seem to be settling in again, making contacts with people and feeling like a part of the community....this...after I finally convinced Thomas to buy land in the country

Anyway, I thought it was time for a "life is finally going on" update.

kris

[PrincessFiona]

Everytime I get behind on my blogging I realize that I have a confined space to share the highlights...This past week was so full, that I don't even know where to kick things off!

The week started with me deciding to paint Andrew and Alex's bedroom. I had this...idea in my mind of what it would look like and spent an entire day painting.

Before pic after I taped off the wall.



After pic....with uneven, crooked, wavy brown line.I wasn't really satisfied though with the results. Again, I'm reminded to leave the painting to the professionals!

While I am showing bedroom pics though, here's a picture of my adorable pre-teen's room after she was supposed to have cleaned it.


Zoe continued her sleepless countdown and by the end of the week, I truly felt more than run down...She cries for me all day long if I'm not actively holding her or carrying her and then has been up several times during the night because of her cold. I know she feels miserable, but quite frankly...I do too now. It's very difficult to listen to the crying and whining all of the time without feeling like my head is simply going to twist off and rocket into space!

It didn't help that we seemed to move from one drama to the next with the kids!

Amanda felt like she was getting more settled at school and the social issues were resolving. I was happy for her that things were quieter. I left the house Monday to run some errands with Aidan and Zoe and when I got back, there was a message on the machine from Andrew's math teacher.

sigh

I gave myself a few minutes before calling him back. When I did, he started out the conversation with:

"Is something going on at home. I'm very concerned about Andrew"

I asked him to fill me...as that sinking feeling took ahold of my heart...

It turns out that before Spring break, Andrew had been taking a math test...the little boy sitting near him had tried to cheat off of his test, and Andrew had written down all of the wrong answers and then after the other child turned his test in, Andrew had erased the wrong answers and had written down the correct ones on his own paper. Andrew got a 103% and the other boy got a 0. Apparently, this was indicative of a problem with Andrew. His teacher went on about Andrew's *attitude problems*. In class that day, Andrew had helped two boys who were struggling. A 3rd boy wanted Andrew to just give him the answers and Andrew refused. When the boy kept bugging him, Andrew finally told this boy the wrong answer....on purpose...to get him to leave him alone.

The teacher told me that he discussed both situations with Andrew and then told him "Andrew, what's worse...a cheater or a liar". The teacher tried to make the case to me that Andrew was as bad as the boys attempting to cheat and that this was indicative of a larger problem at home.

Really, I just couldn't find my outrage. I nearly laughed. I think it's fabulous that he wrote all of the wrong answers on his test, erased them and put the right ones...and....I don't think that makes him a "liar". Clearly, I disappointed the teacher by letting him know that I just couldn't be bothered to hear this kind of nonsense anymore. Call me if Andrew's the *cheater*, not the *liar*.

Then, there is the issue of crazy neighbor, part II. This is not my old crazy neighbor...but her dear friend in our neighborhood. Because my name was on all of the Easter Egg Hunt stuff for the neighborhood, she felt like she needed to give me a call to offer her *help*. Before she could actually make that offer though, she had to let me know that she had an allegiance to my former crazy neighbor. Whatever. Then, as she prepared to hang up, she said "well, I have to get back to work. Some of us didn't marry rich doctors and have to work for a living".

ummmm....OK.

Seriously, I can't ever imagine saying something like this to another person. I was so shocked that I didn't know WHAT to say...at all. Friday, she called me to ask me to send over one of my children to pick up a few plastic easter eggs that she had put dollar bills into...she then launched into a speech about weight watchers and informed me that I "really, really" need weight watchers.

Kiss. My. Ass.

Fine...like that isn't obvious to everyone that I know anyway that I have weight to lose.

The real clincher though came Saturday after the Easter Egg hunt. After all of her offers of help and the donation of the eggs with the dollars for the older kids, neither she nor her son showed up (and it was the vacant lot right next to her). She called me later to say "I'm sooo sorry that I couldn't come, but I had to run to my dad's house" She then launched into a "so, I hear that no once came". Huh? I corrected her...yes, people came. We had about 8 kids besides my own. She then told me that she had instructed her own child not to come, but to sit at the window and watch and see who showed up and HE had said that no one came. She actually asked me for pictures to PROVE what I was saying.

Seriously....the insanity never ends. I was so flabbergasted...and then...she announced that she was coming over for a "tour" of my house. I told her I was cooking dinner and she said she'd be over after dinner. I told her we probably wouldn't be done until too late (about 8.30) because I'd gotten a late start and she just ended up showing up at my house at 8:15 to see what I had cooked.

You just can't make this crap up.

My dad and stepmom ended up unable to come for the Easter holiday which was a real disappointment for all of us. We were hoping to celebrate a late "christmas" with them....so now we're thinking it might end up being a Christmas/Easter in July.

All week long, I worked on the first annual neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt. I bought the eggs, prizes and candy to go in them and stuffed them....made the fliers and handed them out....only....for the weatherman to sneak in with a blanket of snow and bitter cold weather! The hunt itself was ok. A few people did show up in the -3F (with the wind chill ) weather to take part. Since I overshot on how many eggs I would need, all of the kids that did come left very, very happy!

Poor Aidan cried through nearly the whole thing though because he was so cold! I had to carry him to the eggs and then pick them up for him because he was too cold to do it. Here is the one picture that I got of him actually standing up. Look at how bundled up he is!



Look at the SNOW! It's April....someone inform the weatherman!!!

Easter itself was a bit of a downer. I was exhausted, Thomas wouldn't get out of bed, Zoe cried all morning, Aidan was so excited about his Easter basket that he forgot to go potty and had an accident all over the floor. The older kids were bummed that they didn't get something fabulous from the *bunny*....and I think I won the mom of the year award by 1. not taking my kids to church and 2. taking a 3 hour car ride with Zoe to just get her to stop crying. I ended up mad at the kids, mad at Thomas...and was just a big ole grouch!

Zoe's Easter Outrage: Hold me Mom, cuddle me...NOW!


I think that it did make an impression with the kids because I basically laid it on the line for them. I am tired of not being appreciated. I busted my behind to have a nice easter egg hunt, gave them the best baskets I think I've ever given them


cooked a wonderful meal (If I do say so myself)....pork roast in a Sherry marinade with a homemade sherry sauce, white asparagus with an asparagus sauce, boiled potatoes roasted in a pan whole with butter/garlic. The picture may not be so great, but the food took me hours to prepare and was really, really yummy.



They need to start considering themselves lucky that they don't have to eat out of a pizza box or McDonald's bag every night. I take the time to prepare authentic german meals and no one comes to the table. I call them and call them and the food is cold by the time they get there. People argue about helping to clean up or set the table.

It is all about what they want and I rarely feel a sense of appreciation.

When I explained this to the kids, I was met with understanding, apologies and hugs.....they want me to know that they loev me and appreciate me and want to try and help out more. I hope it materializes.

DH and I had it out though over the latest and greatest with his mom. We agreed last year that her visits needed to be shorter. I wanted 2 weeks, but he wanted 3. We compromised on 17 days. Then, he booked her tickets to visit in May...and she is staying for a MONTH.

I was absolutely flabbergasted. The tickets are tough to buy for her because she has to fly direct adn the only way he could get *affordable* tickets was to book her for that long. I think...I simply lost my marbles over it and it might have been the at the root of my total Easter tantrum.

When, exactly, do my wishes come into play in our lives? I have so little control over most things in my life right now and then for him to have the brass ones to book her flight for a month? He's lucky I didn't have my friend Kelly draw up the papers and have him served this week. I'm tired of my needs being unmet. He doesn't want to move somewhere else near a university where I could go back to school because he is "happy" at his job. He doesn't want to lose money on the house. He feels like he has to bring his mom here for this long because he doesn't live in germany to help her and his brother does. He doesn't want to move closer to the cities so that the kids could go to the german immersion elementary school. He doesn't want ...doesn't want...doesn't want....because it might impair HIS happiness.

But.

What about my happiness?

To end on a more uplifting note, here are the Easter pics.....

[PrincessFiona]

The sun is shining, the sun is shining! It's cold, but we're about to bundle up and go for a little walk. Did I mention that the sun is shining??? :stars: How do people survive this weather year in/year out. I think I was meant to be a bear and hibernate through this.

Well...at least that is what the exhaustion that I'm going through tells me...I need sleeep. DH is convinced that I have chemo-related exhaustion. I actually have less energy now that I did when I was pregnant and having chemo. We were talking about me taking an online class this summer and dh said "Kris, how can you? There is no way you could be successful". He's right...and it's kind of scarey. I am so tired most days that by 11am I'm ready for bed. I've had several days where I just have to lock my bedroom door and let Aidan and Zoe run about in my room while I try and....sleep in the middle of the morning/day. I have nights when I'm getting the kids into bed at 8pm that I am nearly crying because I'm so tired.

I was always such a high energy person...going, moving, doing..and it is really weird for me to continue to struggle with the energy issue. It has definitely hurt by ability to cope this winter because I don't have the energy to fix myself up or leave the house like I did in years past. I literally often feel too tired to walk in the mall or just get the kids in and out of the van, etc.

I have blown this off until recently and have just been trying to muddle through...but I realize that it's making me feel really bummed. I am always so tired that I just can barely stand it. My sewing, scrapbooking etc has totally dropped off. I want to work on my projects...I haven't lost interest...I just am soooo tired all of the time. I'll get started and then find myself asleep or having to put it down because my concentration is so off. Hopefully, since we've hit the 1 year post-chemo thing this will start to get better. I hit the 1 year post-radiation thing in May...and maybe that will be the magic time? I hope.

Zoe had her 12 month peds appt. today (OMG, I just can't believe she is about to turn 1 !!!!!!!!!) and she is going to have to have a PT work-up for her balance etc. The scooting that she does is potentially an issue because she always only does it on one side. In addition, the pedi had noted before that when she gets excited she shakes her right hand/arm wildly and not her left. Also, though she's been standing and taking steps for a good month now, she has made pretty much no progress at all. She is still taking the same few steps and appears to not have the strength or balance to progress. Her tone seems to be the same for both legs, so
it may be overkill. This might be normal for Zoe, but the pedi wants us to have her worked up. I suppose there is no harm in that.

Part of me isn't worried....the other part of me just feels a bit nervous that there is damage to her brain and...that this may affect more than just motor stuff.

Hopefully, this is just how Zoe is and thing will be fine. We might all be overreacting based on her history. Her hemoglobin and wbc is perfect...no concerns in that regard.

The tween hoo-ha continues though for Amanda things have settled down. Socially, she seems to be getting along with everyone and is thrilled to announce to me that she now is invited almost every day to eat at the "nice popular girl's" table. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be excited/proud about that or just feel more dread. There is a part of me that is glad that after all of the drama of this year that she is being accepted into a group...that I...never really was a part of

Her little friend with the social issues and smoking etc ratcheted things up a notch by deciding to become....sexually active. :horror: I'm...horrified...really...and thank God so is my daughter. Basically, this little girl who...just turned 11...that is ELEVEN.....has been sending obscene notes to a boy in her class (also 11). She was telling Amanda that she was going to do all kinds of things with him and I told Amanda to just ignore her and to be discouraging about it....I didn't call the mom because I just...couldn't anymore. Apparently, that was the best thing that I could have done because the little girl had the boy over and locked herself in her bedroom with him. :horror: Again...horrified doesn't cover it. She described to Amanda that they had been doing "sexual moves" and making out....and then she penned a letter to him that was found by the school...and the school has taken over being involved.

DH and I made it crystal clear to Amanda that her friendship with this girl had ended and she was sooo relieved. Yesterday, she told the little girl that she can't play with her anymore because her parents won't let her and the mom called and left 1/2 crying messages on my answering machine. Too bad...but I'm not backing down.

Andrew and Alex finally took and passed their white belt tests for Kung Fu yesterday and they were both thrilled. In Kung Fu you have to take lessons and learn skills before getting the white belt...and they were both nervous....They had to count to 10 in chinese as well as do their *stuff*...and both are really happy!

Since starting the Self Challenge I've lost 6 pounds. It's tough for me to be really happy about it because I had lost 30...but regained 10...so I'm actually losing weight that I already lost.....I don't think I'll really feel like I'm losing until I've lost 4 more and have hit the -30 again.

On the crazy neighbor front....my neighbor called me back yesterday to ...apologize. I had kind of gone nuts and let her have it with both barrels, telling her all of the nasty things my CN ever had said about her, and almost insisting that she call CN in Houston to check it out. I made it clear that I was no longer going to be a victim in this situation or tolerate the crap. She did some thinking and was pretty devastated. Apparently, the things I told her had struck a cord with her because they were all based on situations that had happened before I moved here and I could have only known about them if CN had told me. She had a long talk with her dh who said "see...I told you that CN was trouble".

So for now, I will put her comments behind me and give her another chance.....

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

A year ago today, I was getting ready to go in for another of my twice weekly ultrasounds. I had just started my 33rd week of pregnancy. My mom had arrived to help me before Zoe was born and I was complaining about having to go in for yet another ultrasound appointment....it felt like every time I went in they found something....and I argued that I was just not going to go back to see the doctor until my 36th week when we had to deliver early so that I could start radiation.

During the appointment, they discovered that my amniotic fluid was 3.o. It had been a week since my last chemotherapy and I was just bottoming out. I was sent in to see the doctor who informed me that I needed to drive directly to the hospital. I was not to drive home...not to go anywhere...I needed to be admitted and the baby would be delivered in a few hours when he was finished with clinic.

I decided that it couldn't be too urgent because I had heard it all before...the panic, the upset...and it was always a false alarm. So being the dutiful patient that I was, I headed over to Crafts Direct to get more thread to work on Zoe's blanket that I was cross-stitching. After all, I knew that I would be in the hospital for 3 days following a c-section and I wanted the chance to work on it. Also, I think I had convinced myself that it wasn't really going to happen. I had been admitted at around 27 weeks and had spent the week waiting to have her...and it had also been a false alarm.

As I walked through the store I noticed that I was leaking fluid. I paid and headed home as fast as I could because I knew that my mom would need the van. By the time I got home, I was passing old blood and tissue...I was literally gripped with terror. How could I have NOT gone in to the hospital just as I had been told.

Until I was admitted and the tests confirmed that the baby was ok, I was convinced that I had lost her.

April 17, 2006:

Waiting for the doctor to come in to take me to the OR. My face is bloated from all of the predinisone...my hair...a victim of the chemo.....This is what it came down to in the end....me at my most vulnerable...my face swollen, mouth sores, sores on my tongue...:


Zoe Christine Math was born sometime right around 3pm....


Our miracle....the baby that we didn't know would be ours:



And already it has been a year. All day today I agonized over the details of this same day last year...played back old tapes in my mind and tried to capture each moment over again....

Today...she is 1 year old. Happy Birthday, baby girl.....




First, we went to see the doctor who delivered her....


Then we headed over to the NICU to drop off chocolates for the nurses and new preemie clothes for a needy mom. Zoe got to see her doctor and some of the nurses...they were all very happy to see her looking so good...and were thrilled with my curly hair!

Here she is standing in front of the NICU:


A reunion with old friends...

Then we went to Alex's Choir Concert....




Alex stepped up as the narrator for "Pizza Pizza Daddy-O" and made us all proud with his singing and dancing. The second graders ended with "Puff The Magic Dragon"....and I choked back the tears.....It was a hard day for me...visiting with my OB...being back up at the NICU after so much time. It brought back a flood of feelings that I hadn't anticipated...and I didn't really know what to do with them.

After the concert, we carried on our family tradition of Space Aliens...












Then home we went...but before bed...Zoe and Mommy 1 year later...



And today...I also finally finished the blanket that I started for Zoe the day that I began my first chemo....it was a symbolic gesture of closure....we have survived....life goes on.....





A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant's rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened Jackie Paper came no more
and Puff that Mighty Dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave
So Puff that Mighty Dragon silently slipped into his cave.

Life...is one hell of a journey. Hold onto each other and enjoy the ride.....