Veggie in the city

Spring has definitely arrived! Time to bust out the shorts and short sleeve tops. I still have my winter wardrobe in my closet, time to change it out for the summer stuff.

Today it was so hot that while I was out doing errands my face was red and I felt super overheated. It's that hot out already!

We had a nice weekend. Friday night we went out for dinner, and then went to bed pretty early. Saturday DH was on call but it wasn't too bad. I tried to keep busy and I worked on not fretting over it. It went ok. Sunday we went to a really fun event--a pet adoption event. It was so much fun! There were the cutest puppies there. Among other animals, there was a big pen of puppies and I picked up and held each one. Each was adorable. My favorite cutie was a dashund (sp?) mix. He was adorable. DH and I are seriously thinking about getting a dog. We just want to make sure that we get a good breed for our cats--i.e. not a breed that likes to chase, because these cats love to run and chase each other around the house.

After the adoption event we went out for lunch, and then we went to some open houses. The prices are still outrageous. We went to see one house, which was small (3 bedrooms) and not very well-maintained, and it was selling for 1.2 million. It had no yard either. It's absolutely ridiculous here. We also looked at a condo for $500,000. It wasn't anything special either. We're not interested in condos really but just wanted to check it out.

All in all, a very fun weekend.

Lately, we've been working on DH's sleeping issues. DH has had sleep issues since residency, which never got resolved. The problems are that he needs a lot of sleep and he has to get up really early. That means in order to get his 8-9 hours, he basically needs the bedtime of a first grader. So we're trying to get him in bed by 8 pm. We've been getting him in bed by 9 pm but he says he doesn't get enough sleep with that. Hopefully, we'll work something out soon so that he actually has energy after work to interact with me instead of falling asleep on the couch.

In other news, I signed up to be on the board/leadership of one of the young professionals groups DH and I joined. We've gone to about 8 or 9 events with this group, and like the people, so I thought in order to meet new people (and maybe make some friends), I'd join the board/planning committee. I'm planning my first event in May. Should be fun. I've always enjoyed planning/leading things. In high school and college, I was club president of a lot of clubs and really enjoyed that kind of thing.

Not too much is going on with me.

I haven't seen much of DH lately. He's studying for boards. His schedule still sucks. So with studying for boards, working 75 hours per week, lots of call, and him coming home late (frequently) and going to bed at 9 pm, clearly we haven't seen much of each other. It feels like residency all over again. But I'm trying to keep busy. My main activity lately has been job searching. I've been looking for research assistant positions/medically related jobs. Nothing yet, but I'm still looking.

I also joined a book club. I'm really excited about it. They'll tell us what the first book is soon.

Other than that, DH and I are looking for a new apartment when our lease ends.

I'm reading a good book, "The Two-Income Trap." Very interesting.

I still need to work on my bedtime. I've been going to bed at 4 am every night.

So the last couple of days I've been doing intense research into clinical psych PhDs, the GRE, and everything I need to do to apply to grad school in clinical psych. Sadly, it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to do it in one year, as I had hoped. App. deadlines are in December. By December, I'd need to have taken the GRE, taken the psych subject GRE, taken several pre-reqs, done research, done independent research, have a publication or two, get stellar LORs, and volunteer. Whew. And on top of that I was planning to take the August MCAT and apply this June to med school. What was I thinking?

Now I don't know what to do. And, of course, DH doesn't have time to discuss this with me b/c he's on call and studying for boards.

Lately I've been feeling really down with regards to all this career stuff. I've been quizzing DH for his boards and it only re-emphasized how little I know and how much DH knows. His fund of knowledge re: his specialty is immense, and I don't have a fund of knowledge in any area. It makes me feel very inferior. I very much enjoy quizzing him because I love to go through the clinical problems and hear the decision-making process. That's what I want to be doing. But at the same time it makes me feel sad, because we're both the same age but he's accomplished so much and is a doctor and I've accomplished nothing.

I went to bed at 4:30 am last night and I'm super tired. I haven't been able to get out of this 4 am bedtime up at noon thing.

I thought last week that spring had sprung....but we're freezing here! I'm back to wearing my winter coat, scarf and gloves! I was about to change out my wardrobe and bring out the shorts and tank-tops, etc. but I'm glad I didn't--I've needed the heavy sweaters and pants this week.

Anyhow, I had a nice weekend. DH had call Fri. and Sun. so we barely saw each other, b/c Sat. was the only day he was home and he's studying for the boards so he studied all day. But Fri. night I went out for dinner and for dessert with a gal I met off Craig's List. We had a nice time--the dinner was good and the conversation flowed really well, and afterwards we went out for dessert. All in all, I had a good time. Sunday I decided to go out and do some tourist stuff. I had a great time. Even though I went alone, I was fine with it, and it didn't bother me. I feel like I'm getting better with that kind of thing. So that's an improvement.

I'm still torn re: the grad school thing. I'm looking into PA schools as well. I think I'm definitely going to apply to PA schools, but I'm still up in the air about clinical psych. Dentistry, I think, is out. Medicine, though--is still in.

Other than that, DH is furiously studying for boards, still has a sucky schedule (clearly his weekend was non-existent), and I can't remember the last time we went out but I'm not complaining and am just making sure he has what he needs to study.

Wow, what a week! DH took the boards and then took the rest of the week off for vacation. We spent the week at home, doing tourist stuff all day and night, trying new restaurants, shopping, taking long walks, going to the park, going to events, seeing movies, etc......it was wonderful!!!!! It was so wonderful to have DH back after two long, hard months of studying non-stop for the boards!!!! Before this week we hadn't gone out together in two months--that had been really hard for me. But the wonderful week we just spent together was very romantic and special. I planned the itinerary for the week in advance--jam packed with activities each day. Today he's back at work and the long hours and crazy call schedule starts up again as usual. But having that week off was incredible. It was refreshing as a couple to have that couple time together, and I know DH was very burned out from having to study so hard on top of his already crazy schedule and I was sad about never having any time with DH.

I took the week off from job searching, and now am back at it. Still no luck. I've been following up on every resume and cover letter I send out, but it's just really hard to find something in the field I want. I guess at this point I'm going to offer to volunteer in the role that I want, in the hopes that it may in the future lead to a paying job.

In other news, I'm doing much better with the lonliness issue. Still haven't made any friends yet, but over the past 5 weeks or so I've been getting out a lot more, and going to events and social groups. I took Stella's suggestion and got myself a planner and am filling it up with events/lectures/social groups I want to go to. I went to a women's social group a few weeks ago and met a bunch of nice gals there; I emailed a couple of them to ask if they'd like to get coffee and two responded, and we met last week. We had a nice time, and I invited one of them to go to another event with me tomorrow. I joined two book clubs as well and signed up for a bunch of lectures. At first I thought that I would feel lonely going to all this stuff alone, but it's been fine--I haven't felt lonely at all.

I am sooooo frustrated with the job search. I apply to open positions and cold contact as well, and then I follow up, and I never hear anything. I just completed another round of follow-ups. No one is responding at all. It would be nice to at least get my follow-ups acknowledged with a no, because some of them have sent me encouraging-sounding emails saying my background/experience is a good fit, and we should schedule an interview, and then I never hear from them again despite my several rounds of follow-ups. Arggghhhhh!!!!

So then with this last round of follow-ups I offered to be a volunteer because I just really want to be working and to gain relevant experience. And still nothing. I don't know what to do. I cannot seem to get a job--paid or unpaid. I'm offering to work for free at these places I'm highly interested in and I still don't hear anything. I don't know what steps to take next. I am broadening my search to include jobs/fields I'm not really interested in, and I guess we'll see how that goes, but that's not going to help my grad school application at all.

Beyond my getting absolutely nowhere with the job search, I'm doing well with making acquaintances and going out. I've been to several happy hours in the past few weeks, and I'm meeting lots of people. Last night I went to a fun happy hour--it was nice out so the group sat on the patio. I talked with lots of gals and it was a lot of fun. Monday night I went to another happy hour with a different group I joined, and also had a nice time. I joined a bunch of new groups in the past month, and I've been going to lots of different fun events. I met 3 gals who I really click with over the past month at various events, and I invited them all out for lunch, coffee, etc. and we had a great time, and they all want to go out again! I actually have plans with people for once--lunches and dinners coming up this week! Yay!!!!!

DH and I got back on Saturday from a lovely, one-week trip to California and the Pacific Northwest. It was wonderful. It was just what we needed after DH's several-month stint studying for the boards. We visited a number of cities on the trip, including San Diego, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, among a number of others. We did a lot of touring, a lot of eating, a lot of holding hands and chatting. San Diego was my favorite stop, because I'd never been there before and there was so much to do! We did a city tour first, and walked around the Old Town San Diego area which I absolutely loved. I didn't realize it would be a recreation of an actual old town. It was great. There was a gorgeous marketplace there and we enjoyed walking around. We also walked around Balboa Park and went to one of the museums there. I didn't realize that San Diego had so many incredible museums! Balboa Park is really amazing.

We had great weather on the trip all in all and saw so many great cities. The food was great. We also dressed up and went to dinner a couple of times--I brought two dresses with me. That was fun.

We got back Saturday and had a busy day Sunday, unpacking and getting ready for the week. The biggest thing coming up for us is that we're moving (apartments), so in two weeks we'll be in a new apartment! Although it was unexpected, moving so quickly actually works out better because it means we don't have to pay double rent (our current lease ends June 30; we can move into our new place June 1). Basically we're able to get out of the lease early so the landlord can schedule lots of open houses throughout June. The reason for this sudden move is that the landlord is selling our condo. And he wants to sell it ASAP. He had mentioned he was thinking about selling last month so for the past few weeks before the trip we'd been looking at new apartments, although we preferred to not move and would have liked to have stayed here another year, but nothing was definite until this past Sunday after we got back from our trip and he told us for sure he is selling. We finally found one right before we left on our trip--it's larger than our current place and in a new area. I'm excited about it!

Things with my new pals are good. I think friendships are slowly blossoming with them. There are four women who I've been hanging out with. We all have a lot in common and I enjoy our outings very much. One of them is coming over tonight to hang out. I'm happy to have finally found people who are eager to hang out and enjoy going out and doing stuff.

In other news, although DH's board studying is over, the bad news is that he's getting even more call than he had previously. We're talking three calls per week now on top of the 80 hours per week he already works, which will make it more like 90 hours per week. I thought residency was bad, but this is just as bad. I'm sort of annoyed about this but at the same time not as annoyed as I would have been a few months ago because I now have people to hang out with. Of course, Q3 doesn't thrill me but I don't think there's going to be any more extreme lonliness or crying on the phone to DH when he's on call. Now I have pals to chat with or hang with.

My other news is that I started my volunteer work in the hospital. I really wanted a paid job, but after several months of looking couldn't find one, so I decided to volunteer to at least get back into the healthcare environment, and gain more experience to put on my grad school applications, and maybe once they get to know me it could morph into a paid job. But the experience is the most important thing at this point, and I made sure to find positions where I will gain very good experience--patient interaction being the most important. So I'm doing two different volunteer gigs. I started one of them this week. I really enjoyed it. I met the other volunteers, who are all undergrads, but I enjoyed talking with them. One of them gave me her phone number and suggested we get together for lunch. Fun!

I'm planning to take the GRE this summer and this week I need to register for a pre-req class to take this summer. My plan is to take a full load in the fall.

My parents are coming in for the weekend and they'll be here tomorrow. I'm planning some fun activities for us for the weekend.

The summer has started out well with travel, fun, family and friends. But it sure has gotten hot. When the temperature gets above 85, that's too hot for me, let alone the temps in the 90's we've been having recently. Plus, our air-conditioner doesn't work very well, even though it's central air, so these temps in the 90's make it very uncomfortable in here.

Anyhow, let me update you all on what I've been up to. Last weekend I went to my cousin's wedding, out of state. I left Friday the 8th and got back Monday. The weekend was okay--I went alone because DH couldn't get the time off. I had my own hotel room but there were so many activities planned I didn't have much down time. There was a BBQ the night before the wedding, the wedding itself, and a other activities. Pretty much all my cousins and aunts and uncles came for it--and I have a lot of them b/c I have a very large family. I wished DH was there but I had an okay time overall. I had actually been dreading this wedding for awhile--mainly b/c I didn't want to be asked the dreaded question, "what do you do?" Nearly all my cousins are doctors. It's hard for me to say what I do when they all have such impressive careers. But I was able to quickly change the subject, and we mainly talked about my move and other things besides career. I was happy that no one asked me detailed questions about my lack of career.

So this past week DH had a vacation week, which was great. I came back from the wedding to a nearly completely packed-up apartment and he finished up the packing this week! We're ready to go, too bad our place isn't ready yet. They're putting in new carpets so it will probably be ready for move-in in a week or so, definitely by July 1. DH did a lot of cooking during his vacation week--he made some really tasty things, such as a delicious chocolate cake--it has an entire container of sour cream, a big package of chocolate pudding mix in it, and 1/2 a cup of chocolate chips, among other things--you know it has to be good with those ingredients! I had a lot of work to do this week--I'm keeping busy with my 2 part-time volunteering jobs plus my part-time paid job, and I'm getting everything ready to start applying to grad school.

We didn't have too much time to hang out this week b/c of all the packing, and my volunteering, but Saturday was cool so we went out to some local parks. First we went out for lunch, and then we did some hiking in one park, which was very nice. Then we went to another park and walked around, and later that night we went to a birthday party for one of my new friends. It was a lot of fun--the party was on a rooftop deck, and the views of the city were great. There were appetizers and drinks and it was a lot of fun. DH enjoyed it too.

For the first time in a long time--a very long time--I'm actually quite busy. It's a new feeling. I actually feel a little overloaded with too many things going on right now. I'm not sure what to do about that. I haven't had time to cook, clean or pack for the most part, so DH has been doing all that. I'm not sure how I feel about being busy, quite frankly. Maybe it's because it's such a big change from the past year, when I felt on most occasions like I had very little to do except cook and clean, etc. and I had no friends. Now, I'm getting social invitations left and right and I can't go to everything b/c I have so many other things going on. It makes me wonder how I'd be able to handle grad school and keep up with household tasks. I had a full-time job in our last city, but that didn't seem as hard to manage as three part-time jobs are, for some reason. Anyhow, I'm happy to finally be working toward something meaningful--i.e. grad school--and I'm making good progress in the volunteer jobs.

So we moved on Friday. The move was very tiring and took a lot longer than anticipated. We were told an estimated move time of 5-6 hours. It actually took 9 hours. And in the rain yet too. At least it was cool, because it had been scorching all last week. Even though it took a long time, the move went smoothly. Everything arrived intact. Friday night was our first official night here, and then all day Sunday we had to go back to the old place to clean and do touch-up paint, etc. Then we turned in our keys, got our security deposit, and came back here. Too bad DH has had such a sucky call schedule. He was on late call the Thursday night before our move, then was on call Saturday and now today/tonight. So he hasn't had a chance to unpack or set things up. I've been doing that and laundry all day. I set up all the knick knacks and unpacked about 1/3 of the boxes.

This place is definitely a big step up for us. We've never lived in anything this large before (it's a rental). We went from a one-bedroom, one bathroom apartment in residency, to a two-bedroom plus den with one bathroom as our last place, and now we have two bedrooms, a den, and four bathrooms! There is more space than we need, but the interesting thing is that we're paying less for this place than we did for our last place, in the same city, even though this place is nearly twice the size of our last place.

Since I've been here alone mostly since we moved in on Friday, I've been trying to keep busy with the unpacking, laundry, and setting up. Our new neighborhood is very nice and I like it very much. I'm feeling kind of lonely tonight, though--DH is on call and it feels disconcerting to be in such a big place that's only half set up with boxes everywhere. I haven't been out with my gal pals in a week. I feel kind of lonely and restless. I could watch a movie maybe. I don't feel like doing much else--I've been unpacking all day.

Well, I am officially a student again. I started my first pre-req for PhD. It's a weird feeling to be a student again. DH and I went to the school this week to find my classroom and buy my books. I haven't been a student in 2.5 years. Well, I started my post-bacc in summer of '03. I finished it in summer of '04 but took some extra courses in the fall of '04, so it's been 2.5 years since I've been in a classroom! It's hard to get back into the studying groove, I admit. But we have a lot going on right now, seeing as we're still unpacking and setting up our new place--we haven't even been here a week yet. I guess that's a little distracting.

But beyond getting used to being a student again, I'm excited to _finally_ be taking a step toward my goal of getting into grad school. After 2.5 years of indecision and angst, I'm finally working towards something that I feel really passionate about. I really do feel that I'm on the right career track, though I still plan to apply to med school next June, assuming I don't get into a PhD program this cycle. Besides taking this class, I'm enjoying my volunteer work at the hospital. Well, at least one of my two volunteer jobs at the hospital. The other one is very mundane grunt work. But the other one is giving me really good experience for PhD work.

DH and I sat down the other day and made a list of the schools/cities I will be applying to. The next step is to choose a research focus. I'm having a hard time with that. I have a mentor who is helping me with this, but everything in the field is so interesting to me that I'm having a really hard time narrowing this down. I'm setting up some informational interviews to talk to practitioners in some areas I haven't explored yet.

In addition to the class and my two volunteer jobs, I have a part-time paid job. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by all this and the move. I need to figure out some kind of schedule so I can be better with my time management. The move has really consumed most of the last three weeks so I feel like I finally have some free time freed up from that. Half of our stuff is unpacked and set up so we can take our time with the rest.

I haven't been out with my friends in awhile--about two weeks ago was the last time when I went out for dinner with two of them to a Mexican restaurant, which was fun. This weekend DH and I want to keep unpacking and I have studying to do--wow, I haven't said that in awhile! It feels weird to know that I have my first exam in three weeks but I'm really excited to be back in the academic mode.

Being back in school is going well. It's still very nerve-wracking, though. This class's pace is very fast, and it's a subject I'm not very familiar with. I studied for 9 hours on Tuesday and I feel like I need to put in a lot of study time in order to understand the material. But at least I'm getting it. At first I was really anxious about being back in school because the failure from my attempt at applying to medical schools was fresh in my mind. After my post-bacc, I applied to med school and did not get a single interview--this was two years ago. It really crushed me, and for the past 2.5 years it's made me afraid to go back to school and try again, for fear of failing in a general sense again. I'm still very afraid of failing--of not doing well in this class, of doing all this work to get into PhD programs and getting in nowhere, but I can't let that fear keep me from trying. I finally was able to come to that point where I could get past the no med school acceptances and move on.

I'm making friends in the class. I didn't expect that most of my fellow classmates are women in their 30's and 40's (and even 60's). They're all career changers. I have struck up a friendship with a woman who sits near me--she's in her 30's I think. A lot of the people in the class have already been accepted to grad school and need to take this class before starting their grad work in the fall. Others are career changers who also need the class to apply to their programs. Very few in the class are actual undergrads--18-22 year olds. It's interesting. I didn't expect this skew toward the "non-traditionals" but I am pleasantly surprised, because I will have no problem finding study partners and during the break I've been having nice chats with the women in their 30's and 40's who sit near me.

So I'm studying, doing my volunteer job and my part-time job. It's a lot to juggle, and I feel like it's hard to keep up with the housework, let alone do any unpacking or setting up. We haven't unpacked a single box since last weekend I think. I think there will be a bunch of boxes we won't bother to unpack, since we're probably moving in a year anyway. I don't think I've actually cooked anything since we moved here nearly two weeks ago. We've been doing takeout and frozen food. Oh well.

Being a student makes me feel like I'm in my element again. It's been 2.5 years since I took my last class in my post-bacc--anatomy. I love being back in school--and I am really excited about taking a near-full load in the fall. I guess what it is is that I'm much better as a student than I am in the real working world. I feel like in school, you know what's expected of you and it's more of an independent kind of thing, where you work alone and produce work and work toward a goal--either a diploma or getting into a new program. But in the working world, I feel like things are a lot less well-defined. I feel like the goal you're working toward is more intangible--a promotion or the corner office? For me, in all of my jobs, I didn't have any goals or interest in promotion or working my way up the ladder. And it was when I realized that there weren't any careers or jobs where I was interested in that that I decided I need to change careers entirely. For instance, if I had practiced law, I wouldn't have been interested in making partner. I would have just done my job for as many years as I could stand it without having the desire to put in that extra effort that might lead to partnership. In general, I don't think I make a good employee, because there is no job that I would have the desire to put in that extra effort beyond the bare minimum for, beyond those in the healthcare field. I didn't like dealing with office politics and gossip, which was present in every one of my jobs, and I didn't like how I never really had a job description for any of my jobs. I also didn't like the inflexibility of the working world--nine to five and 10 days vacation. Being back in school is very flexible. Besides going to class, there is plenty of time to study when it suits your schedule and you can work around other comittments.

Another difference is the degree of challenge and mental growth: I felt in all of my jobs that I learned the job in the first three days and then I was bored out of my mind after that. In school, however, you're always learning new things, and the material is presented in a structured way--i.e. not all at once in the beginning, but spread out in equal amounts so there's always new and interesting things to learn. Contrast that with my jobs, where I was looking at my watch every 15 seconds after the third day.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is I love being back in school, and it's definitely a much better fit for me than being an employee in the traditional sense, which is why one of my main criteria for my eventual career is that I be self-employed. I really like the way dentists work--they're self-employed, work alone or in a small group, and don't have a "boss" per se. That's the kind of workplace model I want to have--work alone or in a small group with no boss. Then again, maybe I'll apply to dental school as well as PhD.

I feel very inspired by being back in school, but at the same time it's really making me reconsider whether it's PhD that I want or medical school. It had been so long--2.5 years--since I was last in school that before I started this class I had serious doubts that I could get back into the academic mindset. It felt very foreign to me at first. But now I'm back into that academic mindset 100%. And I'm starting to think more about med school. I guess it doesn't help that I work in the hospital and see doctors every day and think to myself how much I want to be doing that. So right now my plan is to get my PhD pre-reqs done on the schedule I had originally planned and apply in December, and then in the spring take some more upper level bio while re-taking the MCAT, to prepare to apply next June. Maybe I'll take some upper level bio this fall in addition to my PhD pre-reqs. My desire and drive to be in medicine is becoming stronger. I am very afraid, though, of taking the MCAT a third time and reapplying a second time and not getting in anywhere again. I guess I just have to accept that as a real possibility and go for it, but the fear of failure is holding me back.

Interestingly, since I've started this class, I've felt like my self-esteem has been a lot lower than normal. Normally I have low self-esteem but since I went back to school it's been even lower. I think this is in large part being anxious about failing or not doing well, but also in part because I'm embarking on a whole new path and I feel like if I don't get in to a single PhD program it will be like the med school applications all over again--i.e. in that case putting in a year and a half of hard work (the post-bacc) into applying and getting nothing out of it. I've been feeling much more inadequate than I usually do--a lot more. DH has a work social event coming up and I decided there is no way I can go to that so he just RSVP-d for himself. I don't want a repeat of what happened at the formal at the beginning of June, where I ended up crying afterward for like 6 hours. I don't want to mingle with his gorgeous female colleagues again and have them completely ignore my presence when my self-esteem has plummeted back down. I don't want to think about how they've achieved what I wasn't able to: becoming a doctor. Maybe being back in school will give me the confidence to attempt the MCAT a third time and re-apply. I don't know. I haven't been able to work up the courage to attempt the MCAT a third time in the past 2.5 years since I finished the post-bacc. We'll see how things go.