Oh My Blog!

Ok I thought I would start a blog, more for myself than anything else to help get through these particularly bad days of being 2995 miles apart from SO and being basically a single parent.

I've just had the best month of my life, I quit my job that i've been moaning about for 2 years and gave up our home and moved back in with my parents, settled ds with them and did the worst mummy thing in the world, I left him with my parents to go and be with Ciaran for a month to try and make a start to setting up our lives over there and settling him into life in America.

the first 2 weeks were fantastic, he was in the emergency department working a 40 hour week, not over tired, and we had a blissful time with funny tales to tell, Ciaran could finally see how life is good no matter what country you live as long as you have the most important person in your life by your side. the second 2 weeks were trauma surgery, not nice but we still managed to do some things, during the long days it gave me a chance to find suitable places for our famil of 3 to live, so the things he hasn't been able to do because of work like buy a fridge! banking stuff, posting stuff, day to day things most people take for granted.

However 80+hour weeks are not good for Ciarans temprement and it lead so some minor arguments, both of us to blame, tiredness leads to many misunderstandings! all which resolved pretty quickly.

We went to New York and we went shopping for my engagment ring.

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Although I know which one he's going to get, I don't really know

We dont know when we'll get married as it is dependant on when ds and I can join him in America although we know if we could get married tomorrow we would be able to join him, I would do this, he is far more cautious than I am, he is also an only child and his mother would be devastated and I do understand this but my drive to be together is stronger.

Yet he surprises me at other times when one day I got some of the symtoms I got when I was pregnant with Matthew like this sudden hunger nd heart burn together where 'i have to eat now or i might eat you' and just other things, even though we are cautious, as things are now its far from ideal!! Anyway I was with Ciaran at the time visiting him for lunch at the hospital and I said this thought out loud and he suddenly got excited at the prospect of another baby. My face emotionless through this, we are living in impossible circumstances to bring up a family, its hard enough with one baby, I've moved out of our house and livng back with my parents so we can save to move over and afford my flights back and forth as often as possible!! Although it sadden me too when the test was negative even though we knew that was the most likely outcome.

The next day I boarded the plane and I arrived back here in Dublin this morning, its with tears I write that. I look out my bedroom window at the sea and its like a constant reminder how afr apart we are and not just that we won't even be able to talk for 2 week due the the time difference, by the time he gets home its 3am here, when I get up up its the middle of the night and when i get home from work he's in the middle of his day. I can't handle 3 min conversations, they are too hard and too rushed, i'd rather wait 2 weeks and have 2 hours! Ciaran wasn't meant to come to the airport he was at work, at 1pm 3 hours beofre i had to check in there was a tap at the window, he found someone to cover, i open the door and said nothing just burst into tears, it was so so wonderful to see him, like one last chance, it was the best gift he could have ever given me however when I got to the airport Ciaran handed me a bag with something in it, it was the smallest pair of scrubs I've ever seen for Matthew

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2 hours after I was in the door these arrive. 12 longstem red roses, each of them so perfect.

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I know we are far from being alone doing long distance tthing particularly in the medical profession and I'm so lucky i only have to do it for 8 weeks before we are back together and have another 2 weeks together, but it still is hard and feels like you are so alone, its really lonely. I can't just jump in the car or an airoplane and go and see him.



edited: Because I can't sleep, partially because I'm jet lagged and partially because it feels horrible lying here without Ciarán beside me, I've been browsing the net and Ciarán came online (skype) que the tears, it was so good to talk to him and see him, he was pretty happy too and didn't sleep last night, he did fall alseep while we were talking but it was lovely to see him peaceful and relaxed for seeig/talking to me. I hate crying, and I can't stop at the moment. my eyes are swollen and red (uurggh) my head is saying 'cop on, you are seeing him in 8 weeks, and my heart keeps arguing back 'but that isn't right now' and my heart keeps winning, I wish I cold put my head in control of all actions!! or at least a fair share of them! Thankfully I've been fine during the day with Matthew, he has seen mummy cry before but would hate him to see me really cut up!

I also got to tell Ciaran about what matthew said to me at the airport when I arrived with out him. When he starting asking where Daddy was, I was speechless thankfully he answered the question himself better than anything i could have said 'Daddy gone back on the plane to work mummy?' so I said yes and gave him one of his pressies (a litttle speed boat for the bath which Ciaran picked up at the aquarium....me thinks when we are over in November Matthew won't be the only one playing with it!!) and he immediately said look mummy daddy's driving the boat, look daddy is crying, so i asked why and he said 'daddy is sad, daddy misses mummy' and then he said, matthew misses mummy and gave me a big hug and started getting excited about all the planes again.

Ciaran and I in Milan, Italy. We took a weekend there by the lakes before he headed to Boston

This was us out at a concert, My cousin is in a British band that are getting quite big over here and we went to see them in here in Dublin


This was taken by Ciaran before he left of Matthew and I on the beach around the corner from our house......the beaches around here are not beaches per se more a bathering of lots of big stones, this was taken mid june. Summer wasn't the best as you can see!


I love this picture of my boys! its in a field next to Ciarans mums house. Matthew wanted to see the moo-cows as oppose to all the other cows around!

selfishly emotional

I title this blog with selfish because thats how I feel. I don't want to share with anyone how I feel not even Ciarán because in my head I know there are so many people who have a million times worse things to be sad about and I feel selfish for feeling so sad. At least here people can close the post rather than say stop whining, or stop complaining!

My father is in the Merchant navy and before my mum and he were married my mum would rely on letters which my father wouldn't get to send until he saw land again, she wouldnt be able to reply for obvious reasons. My best friend has just returned from teaching kids in some of the poorest areas in Africa and hearing her stories wow are heart breaking, Ciarán knows I miss him loads but he thinks I left the tears at the airport with him and would be upset if he new otherwise.

It is driving me nuts being at home again and feeling like I'm 16! My parents are fantastic, there aren't many grandparens out there that will look after their grandchild for 4 weeks! but living with them is another story! I should also mention my sister and brother are both still in University locally and live at home! I miss my bath, and my shower that actually had water pressure, I miss my kitchen and sitting on the decking with my cup of coffee in the morning, i miss not having to go down to the basement to put clothes in the washing machine (my parents have this really old house that seriously needs updating) don't get me wrong I'm so grateful, Ciaran and I wouldn't be able to have savings if we were paying rent here and in the US but it doesn't stop the 'I can't believe I'm 26, mother of one and wife to be and living at home with my parents who are fantastic but drive me mental and bringing up our son alone while living 2995 miles from my Fiancée who hasn't seen ds since June' feeling (passport problems with ds, will be able to bring him in November).

I was actually fine until this morning, I woke up with that horrible I've-just -been-punch-in-the-stomach feeling and had a cry, its the first time ever I've woken up before the little man, he's a great alarm clock at 6.30am! I opened my email as Ciarán said he'd write one when he got home last night, inbox was empty, queue another cry.

I heard Matthew stirring in his room, wiped the tears away and got into the shower. I heard the familar voice outside 'hurry up mummy and get dressed, we have breakfast and go on the train' and thats what we did, we had breakfast and instead of driving I had promised Matthew we could go on the train, and it was the best medicine! He made choo-choo noises all the way, immatated the noises of the breaks, told all the people to get off the train when we stopped and waved hello to everyone getting on, people must think I have the cheekiest child but he's being so genuine, and it's such a nice trip, for those of you who have been to Dublin and know the DART, thats what we were on and it brings you all along the coast looking out to sea for a lot of the journey.


When we came home there was a beautiful email waiting for me.

It's midnight here, I've just woken up, fully dressed in Matthews bed! Matthew was a bit upset ging to bed this evening so I got in beside him, put my arm around him and read him some stories about going to Boston which he asked for and I must have fallen asleep while reading them, he was still fast asleep on my arm, so I slip it out and removed myself back to my own room. I can't believe I let that happen, I had so much to do this evening after he fell asleep.

I woke up with that horrible nauseated feeling you get when you feel really low. Ciarán sent me an email telling me the woes of the weekend on call and I sent him one back telling him about my first dayin my new job an then before ds went to bed I sent one asking when he thinks we'll be even able to make a phone call to each other again, I really miss hearing him. We've gone from everything to nothingbecause of our stupid long distance because of stupid rotation, because I can't get a stupid visa because we're not married. we just can't afford it We wouldn't be able to get a loan to tide us over until I got a job....any job because neither of us have a credit rating we can't even get a bill pay phone and have to use top up ones because of the credit rating thing and they rob you if I call him, plus he hasn't top it up.
I sometimes think, what if something happens and our relationship doesn't pull through this residency and long distance, I will have lost everything! I gave up my Bsc Nursing because I had to make the choice of staying here or working on getting to America, I gave up my home, I gave up my job to go back to my old one (the one I started yesterday) which has no career prospects and is actually the most boring job in the world that I think my braincells might actually be already dieing off but it pays 10,000 year more than Nursing in the emergency dept. which helps finance me being able to go back and forth to america. I'm really scared. I've mentioned it to Ciarán and he reassures me but I don't think I will be 100% until I'm there by his side.
One of the other residents also doing the surgery rotation with him I met a few times and Ciarán told him we'd been looking at rings in Tiffany's his face dropped and he thought Ciarán and I were not as serious as we lived so far apart, ITS BECAUSE WE LIVE SO DAMN FAR APART!!! How can you live so far apart and not be serious!!

I wasn't sure weather to ever mention this but I will. I was thinking along the thoughts it would be nice to be none in one place as a family (which is what we are) instead of just Jane and her son Matthew and Ciarán.
I had Matthew before I met Ciarán, Matthews biological dad was an orthopaedic surgeon I was together with for 3 years who left me for another women who he has since married, He has never seen Matthew, he didn't even want to know the sex of the baby, I've called him from time to time but he has no interest. We had been trying for a baby but i had miscarried 4 times before I concieved Matthew (and if you read labor stories, you can see why i'm so extra proud of him and why i consider him my mircle baby) he left while I was hospital 5 1/2 weeks pregnant when I had to have the emergency surgery.....nice.
Ciarán I met when I went back to work after maternity leave......and there was't a hope in hell I was ever dating again especially not a doctor.....so much for that theory Ciarán is amazing, my true soulmate, we have the most fun together and when its the 3 or us or just the 2 of us we never stop laughing, I could tell him everything, he's my best friend, I just can't leet go of that feeling that nothing is gaurenteed! Matthews biological father ruined that for me!

Ok tears rolling down my face and can't see screen properly. I hope I haven't been too open, it does feel so good to get this stuff off my chest! Best therapy ever! Thanks iMSN xx

I really shouldn't write posts in the middle of the night, its when i'm most vunerable, tired, paranoid and panicky!!

got to put me lippy on!!!!

another short one

Feeling excited/anxious/nervous...but mostly excited.

SO was at teaching today and afterwards they ring to see if they have to go back and today they said no so he's on his way home and will call in 15 mins. This is the longest we've gone without talking since we met. Hair is all over the place (haven't time to get the GHD out) and no makeup on (of course he normally sees me without make up but you know the way on web cam it doesn't exactly highlight your best features and makes you look like your anaemic and haven't slept in the last year (this part true, Matthew hasn't slept through the night since he was in hospital at 11 months)

Had a good cry with my mum earlier, I get on so well with my parents when they are on their own, I know thats really bad but together they love to give a good ol' lecture. Anyway I just burst into tears when I walked through the door, told her how scared I was that if things don't work out my life is nowhere and feel I've put all my eggs in one basket I'm just hoping and praying I got it right, I know in my heart it is but what if? Felt so much better. She also said if we wanted to get married we should just do it, forget about families and think of ourselves, and that they have the money to throw a good bash waiting for when we make that descision.....Tonight I am not bringing up the W word with SO! it was just nice to hear my mum say that we have their support.

I'm super super super happy today!!

I spoke to Ciarán for over 2 hours last night, until 3 am my time and then went to sleep...its the best nights sleep i've had since I got home. We both just kept laughing and having fun it was fantastic, I love him so much!

Might even get to do it again tonight fingers crossed, doesn't matter i'm working with the most boring person in the world today who keeps saying things like 'Doctors in my day were much better clinicians with more accurate diagnosis without these MRI's' etc.....inside my head I'm actually swearing pleding him to please just say nothing, do the work and let me get the 'bleep' out of here before I have no control of what comes out of my mouth!

Anyway work doesn't matter, I'm happy and have my groove back again

Things are looking good. the residents annual retreat have extended their invitation to SO and children and I get to go over a week early, wo't change my ticker just yet just in case but really excited about the trip nd bringing Matthew up in the mountains...... must find out what poison ivy looks like, I've heard it gives you a really nasty rash.

I gave future MIL a call this evening, I'm worried about her, She was really sick last year and Ciarán was called to the hospital t sit by her side during the night when they thought she was was going to die, but she made it through and has been fit and well since, well that is until she told me she's having simular symtoms again, she did all the right things and went to the hospital but they did bloods and sent her home, she's going to see her family doctor tomorrow, im worried especially ith her history but she's asked me not to tell Ciarán because he's really stressed at the moment. I'm stuck in a dilema, if I don;t tell him and something happens I'd never forgive myself, if I do tell him then I've betrayeed her trust. I think I should tell him, her safety and our relationship comes first.....I hope I'm right. They are very close (its only the 2 of them since his dad died), I'm pretty sure she told me because she doesn't want to tell himut she wants him to know.

Right, we've just had an email conversation while he 's staying with a patient in CT and we'll talk later.

It's nearly midnight. I've just spent the last hour up with Matthew. My poor cheeky 'muckey' is miserable, he wasn't even properly awake and he was just restless trying to sit up so I gave him his ventolin and put an extra pillow under his head to sit him up and he's much more comfortable.

I'm tired. better get some sleep before DS wakes up again.

I was just browsing through my online photo album and thought I'd share a few pics.


Matthew 1 day old in his hospital cot


Matthew learning to walk in the park age 11 months(ignore man with thermos in background, i know it spoils it!)

Edit to say: No I don't know what the hair dresser was thinking when she cut his hair! (in the pictures)

winning the lottery

I have a headache. I'm stress about finances. I actuallly have nowhere to turn to get money.

Current/checking a/c: up to limit over over draft with is 700 euro
Credit card: maxed at 3700 euro....possibly gone over the limit while in the U.S.
Credit union: I have about 400 saved in it but also have a 3 year loan I'm paying back of 1000 euro, so minimal payment.
I also have a loan from when I had Matthew to cover private Maternity care, buy a car and pay for baby stuff of 15,000 I think.
I have 500 due to my lawyers, 90 due to the dentist. 350 due off my loan and childcare is due monday week......I have nowhere to get this money. I had 250 left in my overdraft last night. ciarán and I were talking, (I didn't tell him I didn't get paid this week) he was just mentioned that he had x amount payment due on something and he was scared that it was going to affect his credit rating. I transferred what I had left, if his credit rating is affected because of a late payment it affects us, we are relying on it to be able to get a loan to buy somewhere to live. I can borrow 20 off my parents to pay my train ticket. I'm due my first pay at the end of next week and have about 1000 coming my way from the holidays I didn't take in my last job and hopefully that will be this week. If it doesn't I'm so screwed! Ill ring the bank on monday and ask them to let me delay my payment by a few days.

I graduated from college with no debt (free education, actually we got 6000 a year for living expenses if you decided to study nursing ) and no credit card or over draft. Matthews father is a orthopaedic consultant ( attending with private practice) and I have never seen a penny. It would be nice to be out of the debt I got into after having Matthew but not worth it to have him hanging over me for the rest of mylife wondering if he is going to step in at any minute . It would devastate Ciarán and me. we've done all the hard work, We've been the ones who've done the sleepless nights, the hours on end in the emergency department, the 2 hourly nebs through night and day, we've gone to work after 1 hours sleep and worked long shifts, hoctor appointments, hospital appointments, developmental appointments, thought him to walk and run andplay football, thought him songs, read thousands of stories, wound up all the boats in the bath so he'd get in, pretened that duckie and bunny teddy bears can talk etc etc etc etc....We do it because he's ours, our baby, our son, and we love it and we love him, not for some as*h*le to walk in when he's 12 and be the cool dad with the cool lotus elite and drives it like boyracer! sorry for some reason this is all on my mind today.

The great thing about today is that is Ciaráns last shift on the Cushings (surgery) smushing service and although vain, my skin is so much softer since I came off the pill.


Later that night:

I spent 2 hours speaking to Ciaran this evening, might as well have been 5 minutes between him falling asleep ( which was a good thing because I was able to tear Matthew away from grandparents and bath and read stories and put him to bed) and my sister really getting on my nerves and stressing about finances. I've decided to go to the bank and see will they consolidate everything because the interest on my credit ard is huge and my credit rating wouldn't be good enough to get another one. It is so irratating that over here Ciaran could walk into a bank, mention the word doctor and they are like 'please, please take our money, spend our money have another credit card', My finances are better than his and all I get is 'no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!'

I've just down loaded all the rules for the diversity immigrant visa programme(green card lottery) for 2008, the opening for applicants is soon and want to have everything ready. There are 50,000 visas, and ireland is an eligable country, and 5.5 million applied for it. Ireland got 160 last year. hmmmm that gives me just less than 1% chance of getting one.

Ciarán is said a few things tonight that are playing on my mind.
'I wish you were a glass half full rather than half empty girl'
and 'I wish i could make you happy and take all your sadness away' I tried to explain that I have to make myself happy and I am happy that I have a few worries and stresses on my mind at the moment. we are very far apart and the time differences don't help, Matthew has been unwell, and I'm financially strapped at the moment. It's kind of hard to support ourselves and help him out financially when I left my last job over a month ago and I don't get paid for another week or so. There was no way I was throwing in the fact that I had given him my last penny, it would have felt horrible for making him feel guilty, but it was so tempting. I really hate that saying 'glass half full, not half empty' and 'be optimistic' Sweetie at the end of 6 years i'm not coming out with a post grad, I will just be out of pocket and out of my mind!

Today was a good day. I met up with my best friend, for the last year she has lived on the west coast while she did her masters and I didn't get to meet up that often with her. We've been friends since our first day at school. She'll be my brides maid, she just doesn't know it yet. She popped over today to give me a cd which had photos she'd taken over the last 3 years, she was givingher laptop to her sister and she thought I want the photos. I had so much fun looking through them, they are from when I was pregnant with Matthew and his 2 birthday parties and his christening. The are the only photos taken of me during pregnancy as I usually had my head in a bucket. It was just really nice to see them, like when you are doing a spring clean in a room and you come across things you had forgotten you had.

Afterwards I drove to her house, its outside of town and went for a walk in the woods beside her house, so beautiful gushing river and woodlands, you get the picture, again another thing I hadn't done since childhood, It had been raining too so we got full of mud when we went skidding across a slippy bit and fell when grabbing each other for support. then we walked through the fields back to her house where there were still hay bales drying from summer. When we got back her mother gave us a telling off (just like when we were kids) and reminded us she was married at our age! the whole group of girls we hung out with in school was terrifed of her mother, she always used to take us one by one into the kitchen an interigate us to what her daughter has been up to!! Sarah, was hilarious as a kid, I remember when we were 6 and she produced a screw driver and while her mum was asleep in bed she took the hinges off a cupboard that her mum had pad locked to get the sweets and choclates out of it!! Her mum to this day believes I was the ring leader. As teenagers Sarah would tell her mum she was at my house when she was out on a date, her parents were always gaurenteed ring twice, I would say she's in the toilet and i'll get her to ring you back, then ring her boyfriends house and get her to phone home. the game was up one day when her father called to the house to check up on her and she wasn't here.

Even today I was brought into the kitchen...26 years old....and interigated about my job and my career choice, about Ciarán too. what was her response...'Sarah come here please, now Jane could you not find a Dawkter for Sarah' Sarah and her SO have been together for 5 years and he's has a successful career in banking!

I'm more nervous about introducing Ciarán to her than when he met my parents!

L-R Leona, Florrie, Me, Clover and Sarah

Just finding things too hard to cope with.
Ciaran's overdraft got cancelled today which he relies on. I've applied to the bank today to consilidate my loans and get the decision tomorrow.

He mention something today about us not being able to work out because of the distance and me having matthew and finances etc and then took it all back so my head is all over the place.

I made an appointment to see a counsilor today, I have my first appointment on wednesday.

Ok there's a ray of light, a faint one shining through the clouds.

Bad news first. I got landed with a parking fine, I asked my brothers advice where to park at the trainstation this morning as i was going in later and my usual place would be gone. He gave me advice and I took it and came home to a fine on my windscreen, so I called him up using several swear words and he laughed and said 'ha ha, i got one there last week'


The bank are going to consolidate my loads for me so I'm not paying huge interest on my credit card, but I will have to cancel my credit card and my over draft. I don't mind but I need my credit card for buying my flights to Boston. SO I will just have to have the money and get someone else to do it for me. I'm offically 18,500 in debt to my personal loan (15K was for my car)

I got an email from my solicitor(family lawyer) to say Matthews fathers time has run out to file for his defence for my case against him for maintenance(child support) and that they have applied to the court to make a judgement against him which will probably speed him up to get the requied documents in, date set for 10th of november. I thought the date was for the maintenance hearing but apparently its not so I actua;;y have no idea what that means but I think it something that will look good for my case. (I hate being such a lay person and not understanding legal jargon!)

I'm looking forward to seeing the counsilor tomorrow, I'm positive I will get good use from it and learn to start thinking in a different way and not so negative and tearful and whingy all the time. It'll be good for me and more importantly for Matthew to have his happy mum back again and for Ciaran to have his independant funny happy girl again.