Oh My Blog!

first of all counciling went well.

But today I'm just mad! Long distance and finances are just taking there toll on our relationship at the moment. everything will work out but at the moment things aren't great.

Ciaran announced that he is going to Rhode island on Monday and won't be back until late tues night, then has to go to work on weds and is volunteering for something afterwards, and then is going to salem thurs and to work that night and you know he might squeeze in a phone call to me next weekend! I didnt even mention what about me, even though i was feeling it, i didn't want to mention it, it just felt selfish, but he sussed something was up and i said, 'will i hear from you when you're away', his reply 'oh yeah, hhhm, i guess you mighten't'. I MIGHTN'T!!!! its like he has just stopped himself thinking about me at all!! he's gone to the theatre and the cinema this week. he has book to go to stuff at museams next week too.

I know i spend way too much time thinking about us, but I have a really boring job, but I don't go out anywhere, I just don't, I save every penny I have and that isn't much as I'm also paying debts and helping him out.

When I pointed this out he said 'do you want me to have no life, you have your family around you, do you want me to go to work, come home, talk to you go to sleep, wake up go to work and repeat the cycle' 'what do you want from me' I do want him to have a life, I do, I don't know if I'm jealous, or hurt, or insecure, or what. Everyday I love coming home knowing its only a few hours until we talk, however I've been disappointed most nights, I wake up in the morning to see if I have an email, again disappointment, I got one 4 line email. I guess I haad become accustomed to talking for hours everynight, and the long essays he would send me. now I constantly get the 'I don't have time' yet he is working nice hours and said the pace is nice at work.


is it fair to say 'Just beause you've made a decision that you want to do more, feck off on short breaks and talk less doesn't mean I can change and just accept it over night' If it were the other way round there would be war! but I don't have the oppertunity to do that!

When we are together, none of this seems to matter, we just get on with it, we are so in love, we love each others company and spend all our time together apart from work, and we never argue. i know he finds it hard being apart, we both do, Every day I cry because I miss him so much, I send him things I know that will cheer him up, I email, I text, What happened to his thoughtfulness!


Sorry for the rant, its just been frustrating me for a couple of days. just needed to get it out of my system!

Woo-hoo I've changed my ticker, we're going to Boston a week early!

and I love my new avatar!

I'm tired, so tired. Things are not great with SO and its tiring me out. last week he was so snappy because his finances where so bad, I owed him 700 so I got a loan from an aunt (to put it bluntly she's rich and its easier to pay her back weekly) and transferred it. Ciaran was grateful but things haven't been the same since last week. We got into a big argument over the time he spends with me, he feels he's not getting any study done and he wants to do things while he's there but by the time he finishes talking to me he doesn't have time. To me this has suddenly come from no where. I've no idea what has suddenly changed. He kept worrying about changing rotation last week as on this one he'd have more time and said he was going to miss me more than ever. Instead I haven't heard from him bar a couple of phone calls, he's stopped senting his usual emails, he's stop texting. For the last 4 days in the mornings I get texts that say can't wait to talk tonight and it hasn't happen yet.

I'm terrified the distance is going to tear us apart. As far as I was concerned up to a week ago, nothing could ever tear us apart. absolutely nothing. we are soulmates, Ciaran is my best friend, the only person in the world I've left my self be totally honest with, the only person I trust 100%, the only person for me.

How can we be shopping for engagement rings one week and the next hardly speaking? I'm absolutely devastated. I'm so cut up inside. /time is the only thing that will bring me an answer.

I'm so excited, my stomach is full of butterflys when I think about it!

When I woke this morning I wasn't going to check my emails boy am I glad I did before I left the house! So sent me an email asking if he could take us to munich in Germany in December for 4 nights! The highlight of the time tehre will be going to see this place:
http://www.neuschwanstein.com/english/index.htm

It is somewhere he has always talked about going to so I can't wait. Future MIL will be coming too. I've met her a few times, one of them being the airport when he left for America, it was so awful to see her just cave and burst into tears as soon as he walked through the gate, she's such a strong woman. Some of the other times I met her we didn't lead on that we were more than friends but she knew otherwise, she used to say to me 'I just want to see him settled before I bucket it! and would add a wink of the eye. She's had a few life threatening illnesses in the last year.

Reading that email this morning was ust so reassuring that everything is going to be ok!

Matthew and I are both miserable with viral sore throats, temps and a nasty cough so I'm going to dose up on the lemsips and a nice relaxing jasmine bath (I don't like lavender) before my parents return from Italy in 1 hour and my beautiful tranquil peace is broken.......

The one relationship I've succeed (so far) with in my life is the one I have with my son, although very rocky to begin with (bad pregnancy, labor left me with a bells palsy and post-natal depression). We get on so well, even now he's 2 1/2 people who haven't met him will always critisise me for having a baby so young (was 23, its not *that* uncommon!) and then they meet him and can't believe how lovable and good he is. He's never thrown a tantrum (yet) and he's always supper happy and we are great friends. I hope it always is like this.

Everything has been going sooooo fantastically between SO and I. Counsilling is working for me and I'm a much happier person this week. Ciaran is happier since I'm happy too. We're making plans for the our future once again. I think we just had a little bumpy patch which we've ironed out.

Then he drops the bomb....He's going to Peru with his mother for his holidays in February, she's always wanted to go there. It will include his birthday and Valentines day, I've had no reaction yet because I wasn't able to do anything except get upset and I'm not going to get upset......I may get angry though!!!

I'm off to see my family doctor in half an hour to get all medications prescribed so we can take them on the aircraft like matthews nebs and inhalers, kids tylenol and ibuprofen and phenergan (anti histamine).

I'm really nervous, I have palpitations, AF is 2 days late. /i'm pretty sure i'm not pregnant but theres a niggle in the back of my brain going please AF hurry up and arrive so i can relax. I'm not scared of being pregnant, i'm not even scared of hyperemesis again or even doing that alone, the fact that we have the atlantic separating us and finances are poo is a bit scary but i'm terrified of miscarraige alone, I've had 4 in the past, its all been investigated, laproscopys, ultra sounds, ct's, blood work, cryogenetic testing but there is no reason, just bad luck.

I'm pretty sure i'm not, as Heidi will know as a fellow hyperemesis contender you usually know your pregnant before you even miss your period, well i do anyway. and if i was I'd be more it would make me at least 6 weeks and i had been hospitalised on all pregnancies by that stage.

OH sh1t i wish my heart would calm down!

I'm blaming my sister!!! she came home last week and I bet my cycle slip into hers! no one ever goes into my cycle i always go into everybody elses! it was a nightmare when i started college and was living with 3 girls!

In bed, laptop on my knee, headache, belly ache, back ache. AF.

17 days to go!!!

I'm so excited to spend time as a family again!! even the simple things of getting Matthew ready in the morning and bathing him at night and kicking a football around in the afternoon, I just can't wait!

Its going to be the best!

Woo-Hoo a fort night to go until we go to Boston!

Well at least i should be feeling that way but today I don't!

The last 2 weeks have been great, I started on prozac, I felt I couldn't progress with councilling unless I could communicate and with not sleeping, not eating etc I went to my doctor and started on the happy pills, I've had them before and they suit me ( apparently its going out of fashion now!) so the doctor said to give it 10-14 days to kick in but felt much better after 7.

Today is the first day I've felt yuck. I had a huge argument with my parents, I've no idea what about, it started with my mum and dad whispering while i was cook so I asked 'do you guys have something you want to say to me? and thats when it started.

anyway it ended with my Mum saying 'well I'm going away on friday so you better find someone to mind Matthew next week and you can't get a sick cert to take time off because i told the doctor i was taking the week off to mind matthew because he can't go to his childminders in case he's incubating chicken pox'!!!!! WTH!!! So my mum who has shingles and most likely has given ds chicken pox has taken a second week off work when she was told she could return after one week of treatment on the grounds of Matthew needing isolation and is basically taking a holiday with that time, I now can't take leave because we have the same family doctor and he has signed her off to take care of Matthew, He can't go to the childminder........What am I meant to do!!!!! I can't afford to take unpaid leave! Hence the onset of anxiety and feeling Yuck!

I emailed SO telling him I needed to talk, and he was in foul humour because ds was jumping around and everytime he jumped it was like someone banging the microphone and giving out that my micropphone was too sensitive, which is all my fault (WTH!), SO finds it really really hard when I am not all 'happy and bouncy and sparkley' because as other have said about there SO's 'he can't fix it' so he just gets in a foul mood.

So although I should be all 'woo-hoo, only 14 days to go' today I'm just not. I wish I could use that as an acceptable excuse

Someone: Jane why are you not all happy and your usual self
Me: I'm just not

Well I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow (or as I call her screw driver, for my loose screws )

So its a little over a week until our trip and I think I'm all prepared. I have all the Matthew plane activities sorted and I'm meeting Future MIL to pick up a list of things Ciarán has given her of stuff for me to bring over from his house, so I'm meeting her on thursday and bringing the laptop so she can see and speak to Ciarán, they talk on the phone all the time but she's completely computer illiterate.

As I've said before, I like her, we get on well, but she intrudes in our relationship on my part, up until now she hasn't been able to fly because she had multiple clots on her lung last year, now she's got the all clear it means that Ciaran is going to want to fly her out as much as he can to america ( he's convinced she's going to drop dead any second), so not sure If its a good thing or not, maybe if he does do that he can save his vacations for us and not be bringing her away with us. I spoke to her today and we spoke about our trip to Germany, she told me that she doesn't even want to go, she hates travelling () but she's going to come because its christmas etc, I'm going to teaseout the peru situation with her because if she's not pushed on going to Germany, there is no way I can see her going to peru and roughing it ( I know I'm so )

I haven't slept the last few nights and felt xceptionally anxious, Ciaran has been in New York from friday to monday and knew it would give him time to think, I just had a feeling when he mentioned how alive new york was and how if he'd have chosen to go there he'd be partying all the time that he's feeling trapped. I was right. He says he feeling a lot of pressure at the moment especially with me and Matthew. He feels trapped within our relationship. He wants to see more of america, and needs more time to study, which he is not doing, he feels like he is wasting his opertunity in America at the moment. We're going to see how things go when we're over and in the new year we'll only be talking on his days off work.

I'm anxious and devastated but relieved too if that makes sense. I'm anxious because I've given up SO MUCH and if we end up breaking up I'll be left with virtually nothing Relieved that if we have a schedule so I know when i will be talking to him I'd find it a lot easier than always waiting for him to come online or scared I'll miss him when I go out etc. I know we'll have a fantastic time when we're together, its the time apart i so hard.

So its a little over a week until our trip and I think I'm all prepared. I have all the Matthew plane activities sorted and I'm meeting Future MIL to pick up a list of things Ciarán has given her of stuff for me to bring over from his house, so I'm meeting her on thursday and bringing the laptop so she can see and speak to Ciarán, they talk on the phone all the time but she's completely computer illiterate.

As I've said before, I like her, we get on well, but she intrudes in our relationship on my part, up until now she hasn't been able to fly because she had multiple clots on her lung last year, now she's got the all clear it means that Ciaran is going to want to fly her out as much as he can to america ( he's convinced she's going to drop dead any second), so not sure If its a good thing or not, maybe if he does do that he can save his vacations for us and not be bringing her away with us. I spoke to her today and we spoke about our trip to Germany, she told me that she doesn't even want to go, she hates travelling () but she's going to come because its christmas etc, I'm going to teaseout the peru situation with her because if she's not pushed on going to Germany, there is no way I can see her going to peru and roughing it ( I know I'm so )

I haven't slept the last few nights and felt xceptionally anxious, Ciaran has been in New York from friday to monday and knew it would give him time to think, I just had a feeling when he mentioned how alive new york was and how if he'd have chosen to go there he'd be partying all the time that he's feeling trapped. I was right. He says he feeling a lot of pressure at the moment especially with me and Matthew. He feels trapped within our relationship. He wants to see more of america, and needs more time to study, which he is not doing, he feels like he is wasting his opertunity in America at the moment. We're going to see how things go when we're over and in the new year we'll only be talking on his days off work.

I'm anxious and devastated but relieved too if that makes sense. I'm anxious because I've given up SO MUCH and if we end up breaking up I'll be left with virtually nothing Relieved that if we have a schedule so I know when i will be talking to him I'd find it a lot easier than always waiting for him to come online or scared I'll miss him when I go out etc. I know we'll have a fantastic time when we're together, its the time apart i so hard.

I can' believe its only 3 days until we go to Boston!!! := Things are going perfectly, Ciarán and I are so stress free knowing its only a few days away until we are there and I'm really looking forward to the residents retreat next weekend where we'll 'come out' as a family ie we haven't been there for any of the offical get togethers with the other residents apart from a drink in the pub after one of there teaching days.

Ciarán has already managed to fill a box full of toys for Matthew, I told him a few cars and a couple of jigsaw would be enough but he got carried away in toys 'r' us! men! (cute though), he's also got Matthew kitted out with sponge bob square pants duvet and pillow set and got him the dvd's to go with it because he thinks its 'cool', its quite fnny watching Ciarán and Matthew having a chat on skype and Ciarán trying to teach Matthew all about sponge bob!

A bit worried about weather on wednesday, a hurricane is meant to hit us on wednesday, really don't want to be flying through that with Matthew esp when I'm not the best traveller to start off with!!

I'm so glad Ciarán is much more relaxed and excited about us coming, I was worried there for a bit! He's also organised everything for germany down to our train tickets and a sledge ride and a horse drawn carriaige ride at night through the parks in front of the castle, his mother will be there but that won't stop me with the PDA's!

Today marks the end of a long road for me.

My beautiful beautiful son, my special gift, biological father and I made an agreement through our solicitors for the maintenance of Matthew. I've been fighting for this months before I met Ciaran and he has stood by my side when things got really messy and the games got dirty.

I never ever could of envisioned how awful things could get over someone so precious and beautiful, but what is precious and beautiful to me is a dirty secret to Matthews father.

Before my relationship ended with Matthews father, a relationship that was a happy 3 years, 1.5 of which was spent trying for a baby with 4 miscarraiges, my ex fell in love with an old flame and he is now married to her. He ended our relationship while I was in hospital an hour before I was to go to theatre to have emergency surgery because they thought my pregnancy was ectopic, (it wasn't and now I have Matthew) and walked out and thats the last I saw of him. He has never seen matthew, never asked for him, never seen a photo, doesn't even want to know his name. As I said he married this girl and she doesn't know about Matthew nor do his parents. his brother does and was very kind to myself and Matthew for a while but then Matthew father put an end to that.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future and I'm scared for my son, he has more love than any natural father will give him from my dad, my brothers and Ciaran, He sees Ciaran as his father, but at the end of the day, one day he is going to have to face the rejection of his father and that kills me inside, I just hope when the time comes we will be ready and we'll know the right things to say.

For now we can close one chapter long and hard chapter in life's never ending book.

Can't believe that Matthew and I will be back on the plane to Dublin next Sunday Not all bad though as Ciaran will be back in Ireland 12 days later and then we'll be coming back with him for 3 weeks, Christmas just the 3 of us, a dream come through, for the last 25 years I've had to endure at least 50 relatives descending on our house with loads of cheek pinch (thats ease off since having ds and he gets most of the cheek work and sloppy old aunt kisses now )

I'm soooooooo glad we decided to make this trip while Ciaran was doing his OB rotation, its suited us so well, we have him all day and he goes off to work about 5.30 when I'm getting ds dinner and then bath and bed and time for myself and then Ciaran is home at 2am we watch a short DVD which having a cup of tea and chat. Not so cushy next time as he's in PICU its q3 going to be hard to explain that to DS, well we'll enjoy this fantastic time while we have it!

We LOVE the New England Autumn/Fall